dramallama Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 I've just had an interesting evening and I just need to write it out. So those that have seen other threads know I met a guy who lives a 90min drive away 1st Sept, he's (genuinely) incredibly busy juggling lots of stuff, but a huge texter (a few times daily, consistent since late August) - and if I average it out we see each other every 10 days or so but there has been the odd 2 week gap here and there. Anyway, having not seen him for 10 days he mentions at 8.30pm he's heading to the next city over (where I work) tonight with his cousin - it's a 30-40 minute drive away - but I'm stuck home with a sleeping child. I sent him a Wile.E.Coyote gif with a massive magnet. Long story short, he dragged his cousin over to come and say hello for half an hour on the premis of going out in my town (which is small and provincial and rubbish). They did literally stay for 30 minutes, in which time his cousin spent most of the time in the hall on the phone and we established we'd see each other later in the week. I gave him his Christmas present just before he left and he just about did a little dance, it was very cute. I don't think he expected it at all. He was ridiculously smiley. As he was leaving he asked me what I was doing NYE - I said I hadn't fixed my plans - and he said his (other) cousin's just had a baby, he's probably going to be taking the opportunity to go down south and see them "but don't be a stranger". And then kissed me and exited. Don't be a stranger? What does that mean?! Usually I'd think it meant keep in touch more, but in this case what, don't be cross because he's going away? I do think he's less confident than I thought he was. To be fair, he's uncovered that I do a big leadership job (he's 6 years into a new career and I'm 5 years older), I do loads of public speaking, I live in a big house and I've got a number of hobbies all of which I'm convincingly competent at to the uninitiated; but I didn't come from privilige, there's a bit of a story there.... it's all of these things that make it hard to find someone who's a decent 'match' in the first place. He's got his own stories and talents though - he's the first real 'prospect' I've met for a long long time. I do forget my worth sometimes though, and how I look, on paper. Meh. I don't really understand why he can do a nice thing and make an effort to see me yet still I feel anxious somehow....
schlumpy Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 I think he wanted to make sure you would be sitting at home pining away for him instead of at the provincial town inn kissing a stranger at midnight. 1
elaine567 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Waste of your time. He has you on the back burner whilst he makes no effort.FWB basically. You are not a part of his social whirl nor has he made you part of his home life. Next... 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Yeah, the "don't be the stranger" is completely ambiguous ... deliberately so ... passed off as some kind of casually cool phrase ... when in fact, it's near gaslighting. Not full scale gaslight, but the gaslighting of the socially incompetent and indecisive. Sounds like you got a lot going on ... push all the intimidation stuff out of your mind. Either he appreciates you and really wants to be with you or not! ... You can't and don't want to charm your way past some man's insecurities ... or sense of inadequacy around you. This guy sounds like he doesn't know what he's doing. He should have had his cousin shut up ... He should have told you he was coming your way ... The kicker: he asks you what you are going for NYE and this says he's going away to see a cousin. Totally inept ... Strange, off putting ... confusing--and again, socially inept. And his age can't really explain this level of social incompetence. This might be someone who is really tied to his family and cousins ... and may not have room for you .... and you might find his family stuff annoying. I mean if it's between a NYE with a woman I'm into ... and a visit to see a cousin's baby ... uh ... I can go ANYTIME to see a cousin's baby ... Can be a Tuesday afternoon! ... NYE ... made for a romantic, fun connection ... Forget the amount of texting ... texting can be meaningless ... This guy doesn't know how to keep in touch, arrange to meet you ahead of time ... and he's prioritizing a cousin--and a cousin's baby. I'm sorry ... my impression is that this guy ain't really gonna work for you. Time to turn on the critical eye that you may have been holding back and closing ... in order to not see the things that aren't working. The idea that you had to talk him into coming to see you ... not good. Why are you giving this guy a present? Sounds much more reasonable that you want to be moving towards dumping this guy. Remember: we judge people in how they treat us and how we feel--right now, as they are. We don't wanna assume any growth or improvement. 1
Redhead14 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 Don't be a stranger means, "hey, I'm not going to put a lot of effort into this, so if you wanna see me or talk to me, don't hold your breath waiting for me to call, you go ahead and do all the work". 3
kendahke Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) It means keep in touch. Nothing else should be read into that or projected onto that, unless you're just looking for something to beat up on. From what you've written above, he's been quite consistent with you, in spite of the distance and him being very busy. He's putting family first, which is what the holidays are about. Edited December 23, 2019 by kendahke 1
smackie9 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) I would feel anxious too....someone I hardly ever get to see, won't make an effort to arrange NYE together. To me that spells, "this isn't anything but casual because he can't commit to anything else". You are starting to feel less of a priority when after 4 months, this is all you get for your investment. Edited December 23, 2019 by smackie9 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 By your reaction to this, I can tell you are fairly new, to the new iteration of the whole dating game, that being the world of GPS-based dating apps, so welcome! Simply put, we have options as men today. A lot of women try to force exclusivity or feelings of it, but it just doesn't work. The whole "Are we dating? Are we not dating?" ambiguity that used to exist every now and then is now what the dating game is. We know, as men today, that most women have a ton of options and because of this, can react to getting bored by rejection. Most scientific studies done, speak to the fact that women are attracted to men who's feelings are unclear. Men who are... Indecisive. When there are feelings of indecision, this actually creates room for a sexual encounter to manifest as well, hopefully with consent from both parties. So I mean, in the modern dating scene, us men are pretty reliant upon the unknown... We are invested in creating confusion and disarray in the minds of the women we are with. Keyword, women: Men who are invested in being with a single woman, are usually more prone to confessing their feelings than hiding them and unfortunately, this a tried and true turn off for most women. But, if you are searching for "Prospects", the whole idea behind doing that, is to not put all your eggs into one basket. To suggest that in the modern dating scene of Online Dating, that this guy is the only prospect to come around for a while, suggests that your standards are a bit high... As a woman, you could be meeting 2-3 guys a day... AND for these higher value prospects, you have to hold out, you can't just bang these guys like most of the other chicks do and that makes you less appealing, which means you need to bring EVEN MORE to the table than usual in these circumstances. I mean, you can say "I have this, I have that, I have..." But, you don't have a bunch of prospects crawling at your feet, do you? If you did, you might be looking at what he said to you a little bit differently and he knows it. This guy has you pegged. He knows you've put your eggs in and he knows hes got you and he knows you'll do more than him, he knows. He knows one of these nights your gonna invite him over and give yourself to him, he knows it, you know it, hes just waiting for you to do it. Flip the script, download a dating app and get some dialogue going. Get some options going. Also, the 90 minute drive is a tad ridiculous, thats 3 hours of driving ontop of whatever time you spend hanging out. 1
PRW Posted December 24, 2019 Posted December 24, 2019 Quote I do think he's less confident than I thought he was. Obviously. If he had confidence he would just simply be making dates instead of all the texting. Texting is "hiding behind the phone" where it is safe, easy, and requires no effort. Him saying "don't be a stranger" means he expects you to do all the work. He want's you to come up with the date ideas, make the plans, contact him etc. He wants you to be the man and he will be the woman,...or you be the mommy and him be the child,...however it plays out. 1
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