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Why did he pull away

Isthisloveordream

By Isthisloveordream
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Isthisloveordream Member

Isthisloveordream

Posted
Posted

Hi,

 

There are some very experienced and smart people on here, so I was hoping you could give me some insight on a dating “situation”.

 

Some facts and background: 

- F (32) and M (32). I’m the female 

- I’m a divorced mom of a 6 year old and he’s never been married and has no kids (I haven’t be able to verify that though)

- We met at my workplace (he’s a client), he friended me on Fb and we messaged for a few days

-We went on a coffee date which went really well, and several days later went on another coffee date and I eventually gave him my phone number so we could transfer our communication to WhatsApp. 
- After date number two we made plans for a dinner date as our third meeting. A day before we were supposed to meet, he cancelled via text (We’ll postpone our plans. No anger please). I answered shortly “of course not”.

-  2 hours after cancelling on me he came to my workplace to buy something that he could’ve bought anywhere else. Not a word about why he cancelled, just general talk as if nothing had happened. No plans to reschedule either. He then left and hasn’t texted or tried to contact me for two days. I wasn’t upset and also acted as if I was fine with the situation and smiled as I always do. I think this was the opposite reaction to the one he expected.

-There was no physical intimacy whatsoever, except for a peck on the cheek after the second date, not even a kiss.

-He knew my status from before the date one and didn’t seem bothered.

-He did “accuse” me of not finding enough time for dates and of playing hard to get (didn’t really contact him first) and of trying to make a fool out of him.


This is starting to get too long, so here are my questions:

 

-What do you think might’ve been his motives for dating me?
-Why would he come to my workplace just hours after canceling a date without explanation or reschedule?
 

 

(I am largely unaffected by the situation, because I didn’t invest emotionally and we didn’t get physical, so I am merely just wondering out of curiosity what could cause such a sudden loss of interest)

I don’t care if he actually comes back or not, because it seemed to me that during our talks he kept gauging how much free time I was going to have in the near future, what car I drive and how much I make.

 

Now it’s your turn. Hope at least a few people had the patience to read till the end :)

 

 

Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

Not a lot to say here.

 

 A day before we were supposed to meet, he cancelled via text (We’ll postpone our plans. No anger please). I answered shortly “of course not”. 

 

That "No anger please" is very manipulative and controlling. If you don't want someone to have anger, you give them a convincing reason not to be angry. That is he jumping onto your side of the court, telling you how to feel and all that ... major red flag, so early. 

 

If you have to cancel, you cancel. But if you want to see the person again, you go out of your way to say you really looking forward to seeing them ... and you get specific about when you are available.

 

As some of us say around here, look this is a success. Most of dating is about screening out people who aren't going to be a good fit. This guy's sudden cancellation ... and then his tell-you-how-to-feel words ... red flag ... Move on. You don't really want this guy. Would be trouble ahead.

 

The guy just seems socially inept to me--I would assume there is some hidden logic and meaning in his actions. 

 

 

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

He just sounds shady to me.  Manipulative and like a game player.  And I don't like that he seems so interested in your financials this early.  I believe I'd say "no thanks" if he resurfaces wanting a date.  

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Caauug Established Member

Caauug

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Isthisloveordream said:

What do you think might’ve been his motives for dating me?

 

To get to know you better? See if you were a match?

2 hours ago, Isthisloveordream said:

Why would he come to my workplace just hours after canceling a date without explanation or reschedule?

 

Judge on how upset you were.

2 hours ago, Isthisloveordream said:

I don’t care if he actually comes back or not, because it seemed to me that during our talks he kept gauging how much free time I was going to have in the near future, what car I drive and how much I make.

 

I would say smart man. If he is thinking of anything serious he will want to know if you have time for him, you are a single mom of a 6yr old. If your car is a cheap piece of crap and your pay just meets your and your child's needs only, will he be looking at chipping in to help? Stepping into a ready made family can be a big deal, maybe it is a little more than he wants to take on?

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Isthisloveordream Member

Isthisloveordream

Posted
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Posted
9 hours ago, Caauug said:

I would say smart man. If he is thinking of anything serious he will want to know if you have time for him, you are a single mom of a 6yr old. If your car is a cheap piece of crap and your pay just meets your and your child's needs only, will he be looking at chipping in to help? Stepping into a ready made family can be a big deal, maybe it is a little more than he wants to take on?


Your point is valid, this is how a man who is serious about dating a woman with a child would think. 
However, after such a short time knowing each other and two rather short dates neither of us had the time to voice our expectations or hopes.

 

For example, at this point I’m not looking to introduce any man into my kids life or get married anytime soon. Generally speaking, at this point in my life, I am not looking for such a big commitment and I appreciate my freedom. So, I’d like to meet a guy with whom I could start on a relaxed note, take some time to get to know each other, go on trips together, enjoy each other’s company when we both decide to, in short just live life and enjoy it without much drama. 
This seems very hard to find though. 

chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted (edited)

I guess you meet someone a few times and decide along the way if you wanna go any further.

He just wasn't interested . He probably knew that already talking about next time just didn't have the nerve to say so.

As to why he comes into your shop a few hours later, God only knows.

Edited by chillii
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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

Posted
Posted (edited)

Being in the same boat myself (mother of 2) I agree with the above posters.
 

I’ve actually been very surprised by how many men have wanted to date me who are child free themselves. However they seem to be mid to late 40s (I’m 40) and have accepted that in their stage of lives the women they meet are likely to be mothers. Any interest I’ve received from men in their 30s (and late 20s) has been because they’ve perceived me as a MILF and nothing more. 


This man is 32 years who is in his prime and will have the option of dating women who are in their 20s and who do not have children. He probably likes you, but is currently weighing up his options. 
 

Just wait and see what happens. 

Edited by Calmandfocused
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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Yeah, men in their early 30s still want to date women  in their 20s because they can.

Saracena Established Member

Saracena

Posted
Posted

Personally, I wouldn't read too much into his actions at all, apart from the face he changed his mind about dating you.

 

He may well have come into your workplace to a) check he'd made the right decision as your cool reaction got him re-thinking. b) to see how you were reacting in person.  Evidently, for whatever reason (prior experience etc) he didn't expect you to be fine about him cancelling. At least that what it looks like, to me.

 

At any rate you played it well! Always play it cool!

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

He might have also been seeing how much crap she put up with and still be nice to him. I don't like it.

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Isthisloveordream Member

Isthisloveordream

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Posted
6 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

I’ve actually been very surprised by how many men have wanted to date me who are child free themselves. However they seem to be mid to late 40s (I’m 40) and have accepted that in their stage of lives the women they meet are likely to be mothers. Any interest I’ve received from men in their 30s (and late 20s) has been because they’ve perceived me as a MILF and nothing more. 


Same here, I am also very surprised by how many men don’t have a problem dating a single mom. Not only dating, but many want to make it more serious, even those who don’t have any children of their own. 
 

When I was going through divorce several years ago I thought it was going to be very very hard to attract relationship-minded men. 
At this point I’m not focused on remarrying, I just want to enjoy life and good company of a reliable man. The time will tell the rest, it always does.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

This guy is a weirdo. I'm with Preraph on this. He sounds manipulative, and playing stupid games. I would steer clear of this guy. If you have to come here about him, then this spells trouble don't it. You deserve someone who is nice, straight forward no nonsense reliable.... That is not what this guy is.

Edited by smackie9
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Kaarek Member

Kaarek

Posted
Posted (edited)

Kudos to me! I read it all! 😂 jokes apart.

Okay one of the things that most perverted men now days fantasize about is the "need" of being with a divorced mom. (Unfortunately for you, the rate of single moms are quite high so those creeps are spreading like wild-fire)

According to your description this guy he literally just wanted sex and lust, that's correct. He had in mind to know how much time you'd have daily to "put up" with him (everyone knows 99% of single mothers their main focus is their kids and nothing in the world can change that, even a partner) and what kind of status would he "gain" by simply dating you.

 He literally tried to study you and come up with a conclusion if he should put up with you or not (I would personally avoid such people in the near future, it'll save your time and energy)

I would personally suggest (I repeat, it's just a personal suggestion) to put up-front to someone you (next) time meet that, although you're a single mother, and the kid is your priority, a future partner might as well get enough time in order not to feel left out (this is one of the biggest fears for most men because they don't want to feel "left apart").

So, when a man, tells you that the fact you're a single mother is not a problem to him, and he wants a serious relationship, take things very slowly and get to know them (it's really hard to get to know someone, sometimes you never do but rushing things as you might now, it doesn't help) and see how it goes from there.

Best Regards

Edited by Kaarek
Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 12/21/2019 at 3:24 PM, Isthisloveordream said:

-What do you think might’ve been his motives for dating me?
-Why would he come to my workplace just hours after canceling a date without explanation or reschedule?

(I am largely unaffected by the situation, because I didn’t invest emotionally and we didn’t get physical, so I am merely just wondering out of curiosity what could cause such a sudden loss of interest)

I don’t care if he actually comes back or not, because it seemed to me that during our talks he kept gauging how much free time I was going to have in the near future, what car I drive and how much I make.

1. Who knows a man's motives? Not even the man himself sometimes knows...(maybe his therapist does, or his mother or sister)
2. That is just plain bizarre to me. He cancels the date the 'day of' via text with you and his text was super defensive, which I found odd. 

Are you sure you're unaffected because you seem a little put off by his weird behavior after he canceled on you. Who wouldn't be put off by that? 
It's almost as if he was keeping track of your whereabouts the way he showed up at your workplace like that, after canceling his date on you, not rescheduling when he showed up there...maybe to make sure you weren't on another date, or god knows. 
Be glad he canceled. He seems very sketchy to me. Do you really want to date a guy who acts that unpredictably right off the bat? I think you can do better. 

Edited by Watercolors
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 12/21/2019 at 4:24 PM, Isthisloveordream said:

 A day before we were supposed to meet, he cancelled via text (We’ll postpone our plans. No anger please).

He did “accuse” me of not finding enough time for dates and of playing hard to get (didn’t really contact him first) and of trying to make a fool out of him.

 

Tone policing you, dictating how you should feel about him ghosting on you and then turning things around to accuse you of what he's clearly doing?  Jeez!! Projection is his jam, obviously.

He was 'taking your temperature' to see what you would tolerate off him.

Delete and block him. Ignore him when he comes in--have someone else wait on him/ring up his purchases.   He's not worth the time it takes to muster a smile.

Edited by kendahke
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