Did you get mad at the OW or OM?

[pepperbird]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

PB, good point + I definitely agree it's not either-or.  OM/OW might care if the BS comes around seeking revenge in some form, etc.

I expect that and does happen. For the most part though, I figure it's more than the MM/MW and the BS go their way and the Ow/om go theirs. The ow/om will never know what the BS thinks of them or vice versa, and it's probably for the best.

 

[Prudence V]

On 1/22/2020 at 4:12 PM, pepperbird said:

Really, in the end, why would an ow/om care anyway? Unless they are sticking around

And in those cases where the MM does decide to dump the BW, and the BW tries for years to make their lives a misery as well as the lives of all around. That happens, too. Several threads on these boards about that. 

[oldtruck]

On 1/21/2020 at 7:10 AM, pepperbird said:

Something at least two highly trained counsellors told us when we sought counselling was that it's perfectly okay for a betrayed spouse to be angry and assign blame in any way they see fit. This can  become a problem if a BS places all the blame on the ow or om and sees an affair as being all their fault.
It's not.
Conversely, an ow or om is no innocent party, and if a BS feels they should shoulder at least some of the blame for their pain, then so be it. Really, unless an ow or om keeps inserting themselves into their life, it won't matter anyway.
 

I never said the BS cannot hate and place all the blame on their WS as well.

there is no recovery though if the BS cannot work through those feelings of anger

towards their WS. 

[pepperbird]

13 hours ago, oldtruck said:

I never said the BS cannot hate and place all the blame on their WS as well.

there is no recovery though if the BS cannot work through those feelings of anger

towards their WS. 

bs are often given the message that " you should blame him/her, you shouldn't blame him/her". in my opinion, the person who best knows how to heal is the BS themselves. Sure, they may get stuck and need some help, but in the end, they usually figure out what they need to do.

I'm fully in favour of a BS doing whatever they feel they need to do to heal. That's their top priority, especially if there's children who need them. If it's not illegal and doesn't keep them bogged down in a place they don't want to be, then have at it.

A friend of mine who had been cheated on took all the affair related paraphernalia and burned it, messages and photos from the OM and all. It helped him put a period to that portion of his life, and he started to move on. Does he still harbour ill will towards the om? Sure. Does he hate him? No. Hate's an awfully strong term. There's usually very few cases of real hate.

Do I hate the ow in my situation? No. I don 't really care one way or the other. If anything, I feel sorry for her. Last I heard, she was a new mom with a wayward husband. I took no pleasure in that. It made me feel bad for her- I wouldn't wish that on anyone. She's going to be really hurt, and that's a terrible place to be.

Edited January 24, 2020 by pepperbird

[Jill2]

I was the same. Still am but not quite as much. My husband had 2 affairs. I contacted the first one via email. I didn’t find out though until 14 years after. So my email must of been a bit of a shock. Lol. 
she knew me too. Interacted with my kids back then. She was supposed to be there as a professional for us. She was a nurse looking after my father in law in icu in hospital! I see all (some?) her emails to & from my husband & his reply’s. 

She apologised but some things she said didn’t add up. She seriously couldn’t see what they did was wrong. It was a ‘friendship’ they both needed at the time! My H lost his mother 5 months before his father got critically ill whilst On holiday with us in another country. Her ‘loss’... a divorce!  That SHE wanted! What lose is there there then?
 

My reply put her straight on many things. Her reply showed her true colours. There... she’s not the sweet forgetful  innocent one she portrays to be. Totally unprofessional & if I’d of known way back then I would of been putting a complaint into her hospital about their professional nurses overstepping the line. She waited u til I had to fly back with the kids to make her move. 
 

BUT the one that really got me angry was his second one. It lasted over 4 years & he had a breakdown because of it. Tbh it comes to light both affairs were times of trauma in our lives. No excuse though! 
 

I HATED her! She was god darn ugly too! I’m no oil painting but!! Really!  She was the one who hinted something was going on. Somehow getting my phone number to text me. 
 

Then it wasn’t until 3 months after I found out that I actually found out it was 4 YEARS not months. Through her texting me again. Then 6 months after that when she finally got the message she was nothing & a mistake & not wanted. She got angry at my H & sent me lots of photos of their ‘real relationship’. Which we all know affairs are not REAL relationships! 
 

They were horrid. Dirty pics of my husband. A collage of pics my H put together of them & MY KIDS! A card he’d sent her. A card she’d sent him & to top it all. Selfies of her in the bathroom & one of her COMPLETELY naked, smiling at the camera holding a glass of wine up to it with my H asleep Next to her unaware of her actions. It was a photo especially for ‘when the day comes’. Yet she had the nerve to say HE sent her all those. 
 

don't know how you take a selfie when asleep. Or a selfie that isn’t you, but the AP? Clearly she’s a nasty liar too. She has 2 small kids. I even hated them! I have NEVER hated anyone in my life. I’m pushing 50! Until 2018 when finding out these. I hated her kids cuz they took time away from my own kids. He’d taken them all out on day trips - whilst did nothing with his own! 
 

Yes it is normal to want to hurt the OP she’s taken from you what was yours. Your affection, time, love, intimacy & happiness. NO we are not just blaming the OW. Like some people suggest. We all know it takes two to have an affair! But SHE KNEW all along he was married & had kids! But STILL disrespected any regard for the wife & kids & put her wants before morals, values & basically doing what she knew was right & not what’s clearly wrong.  
 

I told my IC. I even planned trips In my head,  to her State & just turning up at her front door Or work place!  It’s your HURT, disbelief, anger.. I totally know where you’re coming from. But it will pass. Slowly. I’m 19 months on & still get triggers. We’re both in MC & he still in IC. I’m in between counsellors at the moment. 
 

Don’t be hard on yourself. Let every feeling pass through you. Have IC if not already doing so & books help. do some meditation apps. To help clear the mind a little. Take time for you. She’s taken enough from you, don’t waste any more head space on her. She’s NOTHING.
 

You are 1000 times better than her. Don’t let her ‘win’ by bringing you down. She’s still walking around. Head stuck up her own selfish butt..so you be bigger than her.. look at yourself & remind you of who you are. Not what she’s making you become.. don’t let her win by you being angry. It’s HER with the problem not you! 

Give time to you & this part of the ‘process’ will slowly fade. Let it go through you but not control you. My anger gave me such bad anxiety pain in my chest. Triggers too led to pain. Had to be on anxiety meds. But I’m not on them now. Still have anxiety at times. But learnt to breath through it. With the help of meditation apps. 
 

Good luck. X 
 

Edited February 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[seren]

Trouble with a lot of replies is that they’re made with the benefit of time, hindsight and not being involved. When a person finds out they have been betrayed, it breaks something inside them. Love just isn’t a rational emotion, loving and trusting someone and believing they feel the same way is what most of us experience in a marriage. Adultery blows all that up, it destroys all those hopes and dreams made between them, it makes a mockery of every I love you and the emotions it stirs up makes a person feel they’ve lost their mind and are living in a strange, new place and the only person they want, is the one who betrayed them.

No one thinks rationally at this time, they don’t think with their head, they think with their heart, a broken, smashed up heart. They view the AP as complicit in that hurt and I’ve read numerous times how the AP isn’t the one who did the betrayal or cheated, but being complicit means they helped with all that hurt. If children are involved it makes it worse. So, I totally understand the logic of saying the BS shouldn’t want revenge on the AP, but I also understand the need to not lie down and make it easy, for either the WS or their accomplice.

In the early days of H telling me he’d had an affair I would have totally had a hard time not attacking her, I wanted her to know I wasn’t a pushover, luckily our paths didn’t cross for a while. I moved over 600 miles so I wouldn’t bump into her, my job requires I am squeaky clean in my personal life. For over 6 years she stalked me, using her job to get our phone number, leaving horrible messages, hang up calls, pretending to be from the military and that my H was dead in Iraq.  One of the cruellest things was sending me copies of their messages, I burned them, unopened, but for me, that was done in spite and to hurt our reconciliation.

i understand the want to hurt the AP, I feel indifference and I feel sorry for her, she continues to have affairs, she’s married, for myself I think her self esteem must be really low.  My revenge is reconciliation and living a happy life, despite the affair. I despise what she tried to do to me after the affair. For the affair I forgave my H I had to forgive her too.