Caauug Posted January 2, 2020 Posted January 2, 2020 26 minutes ago, elaine567 said: That is often the problem. The BS becomes so engrossed with the OM/OW that they focus all their hate and thoughts of revenge onto them. They can't stay married and keep hating their spouse, as that doesn't work, but they can hate the "b*tch/b*strd that stole my husband/wife". Meanwhile the WS gets almost a free pass, until the next time... I agree, there should be NO free passes. OM or OW or WS but not every time you can you take your "Pound of flesh" when you want to.... My WS did not escape with a free pass.... She walked out with SFA... Up to this year I thought I had things sorted into retirement, I don't..... This year I went back to the country I came from for a visit.... The property she "Gave" me in the settlement has exploded in value. I have to do a big rethink on where I want to retire and how to avoid tax..... So +40C or -40C, I am now use to the smell of bush fires and still hate snow....
Confused48 Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 I just came across this tidbit on vengeance as an important factor in human survival: This might seem a strange entry, but I’m sure you’ve noticed that we don’t have any natural predators. Thing is, at some point we likely did have prehistoric predation. These were called man-eaters last I heard and they are long since extinct. (Photo of Sabre Tooth Tiger crushing the scull of a human from behind.) Horrifying, yes? Problem was each time one of those cats made a kill, 5 more of us turned up at its den with spears. That just plain doesn’t happen when you hunt other prey animals, 10 zebra never show up at your door and burn your house down. Vengeance meant that anything that considered eating us figured out real quick that was a poor idea in the long term. For me, vengeance put an end to the AP circling the smoldering ruins of my marriage. Plus I just felt better. I guess some of us are still hard wired for that pleasure response to vengeance. 2
Artdeco Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 (edited) It’s misplaced anger. And it doesn’t resolve or improve anything. Edited January 3, 2020 by Artdeco 4
RecentChange Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 11 minutes ago, Confused48 said: For me, vengeance put an end to the AP circling the smoldering ruins of my marriage. Plus I just felt better. I guess some of us are still hard wired for that pleasure response to vengeance. Glad it worked out for you. One phone call from my husband sent my AP into deep hiding - no circling that's for sure. He was frankly quiet scared of my husband. Personal, vengeance sounds like a lot of anger / negative emotions / stress involved before the desired out come is reached. I can understand why one might find it gratifying, but for me, I just rather move forward than dwell in that space.
mark clemson Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 19 minutes ago, Confused48 said: I guess some of us are still hard wired for that pleasure response to vengeance. Very true and probably most of us. Look at what happens in a war or conflict, long running feud, sometimes even when a neighbor infringes on us in some relatively minor way, etc. People may keep their emotions in check or not, but they tend to not be wired to simply "roll over".
Confused48 Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, Artdeco said: It’s misplaced anger. And it doesn’t resolve or improve anything. Misplaced? The AP did nothing wrong? The AP did not damage me and my children? Sure if you ask my WS the AP is a wonderful person with a heart of gold. Right. If you believe that I have a bridge I'd like to sell you..... Didn't resolve anything? The AP won't be back in my life or my children's lives. Vast improvement to the situation pre-vengeance. Plus now the other BS has helpful information, valuable information that will certainly improve the other BS's life. I'm not saying vengeance is the right path for everyone or the right thing to do for every affair but it seems you have blinders on with respect to this issue. The facts are that it is never misplaced anger, unless the AP was lied to and thought your WS was single. It does help, the BS and other BS, at least some of the time.
Artdeco Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 I believe that if you're "cheated on", you should be mad (if at all) at the person who cheated on you. Deal with these issues, not with the AP's marriage issues. It's a time waster. And don't act like you're a life saver or a saint, "helping" the AP's spouse to see the light. It's mere anger and revenge. Did it make you feel better "telling on" your WS's AP? I just wonder..... 3
Confused48 Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 8 minutes ago, Artdeco said: I believe that if you're "cheated on", you should be mad (if at all) at the person who cheated on you. Deal with these issues, not with the AP's marriage issues. It's a time waster. And don't act like you're a life saver or a saint, "helping" the AP's spouse to see the light. It's mere anger and revenge. Did it make you feel better "telling on" your WS's AP? I just wonder..... If I should be mad at all! What?! If you have read any of this thread before today you will see that no one, including me, says you should give your own cheating lying POS WS a pass. Oh, but now I see, you are/were and AP. It makes sense now,. Of course you don't think AP's are all that bad. Of course you think letting the other BS know is a bad idea. LOL. And oh yes, it did feel good. One of the best days of my life was when I let the other BS know what a POS was in the BS bed every night. I admit I was a little afraid at first. Oh but it was soooo good. You can't imagine. 3
elaine567 Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 If anyone inserts themselves into the marriage of another then they have to accept that some will not take that "intrusion" lying down. Some will seek revenge as their whole life has often been ruined. They will see that "intrusion" as an act of aggression and some WILL fight back with whatever means is available to them. Any AP who convinces themselves that they are somehow not culpable, may be in for a rude awakening. 5
Artdeco Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 Yes, mea culpa, I was an ap. Thanks for bringing that and digging that up. it proves my point even more. And it doesn’t change the fact that I was also cheated on in the past. And I think that’s just par for the course if you’re in a relationship. Any relationship. It’s not ideal - but it happens. What I never did was blaming my partner’s affair partner(s). As a matter of fact, I didn’t even blame “him”. I was actually mad at myself for choosing the wrong person to be in my life long-term.I simply made the wrong choice. Not her - Not him. My “fault”. Or even better – my (learning) experience. 2
mark clemson Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 The WS chose to deceive and betray you. The AP chose to participate, aid, and abet. You processed and understood what happened a certain way, Artdeco, but everyone's different. Actions don't always have severe consequences, but sometimes they do. As we've discussed in these forums, sometimes people even get murdered over it. Rare (I'd guesstimate a less than 1/10,000 chance ballpark) but it certainly happens. Of course people get killed driving on the freeway, too. And sometimes it's apparently the WS doing the murdering, presumably to get the BS "out of the way". C'est la vie. C'est la humanité.
stillafool Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 When I was a little girl a woman stabbed another woman in Church because she was messing around with her husband. It was scary and awful. It took a long time to get that image out of my mind and now it's back. Thanks. 1 1
stillafool Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 2 hours ago, Artdeco said: Yes, mea culpa, I was an ap. Thanks for bringing that and digging that up. it proves my point even more. And it doesn’t change the fact that I was also cheated on in the past. And I think that’s just par for the course if you’re in a relationship. Any relationship. It’s not ideal - but it happens. What I never did was blaming my partner’s affair partner(s). As a matter of fact, I didn’t even blame “him”. I was actually mad at myself for choosing the wrong person to be in my life long-term.I simply made the wrong choice. Not her - Not him. My “fault”. Or even better – my (learning) experience. Unfortunately not everyone is this reasonable.
Mr. Lucky Posted January 3, 2020 Posted January 3, 2020 2 hours ago, stillafool said: Unfortunately not everyone is this reasonable. Agreed, but for me it comes down to this - how do you hate the AP but forgive your spouse? If I divorce my WS, seems I've earned the right to think the worst of both who wronged me. But if I reconcile, blaming the AP is like acquitting the guy who robbed the bank while you lock up the getaway driver. Doesn't make sense... Mr. Lucky 5
carhill Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 Love is rarely rational, nor is hate, hence to the casual uninvolved observer, it makes no sense. Much of our core emotional style is forged in our FOO and we carry it throughout life. Processes and the veneer of social demeanor can change, sure, but the core stuff stays pretty static.
Prudence V Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 On 12/31/2019 at 6:43 AM, Mr. Lucky said: Not sure why "girl code" should be more binding than marriage vows... “Girl code” is a myth.
primer Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 I cannot stand the WS or the AP. It takes two to tango. I secretly wish for unpleasant things to happen to them - but no revenge.
pepperbird Posted January 4, 2020 Posted January 4, 2020 On 12/27/2019 at 10:20 AM, Lost33 said: I'm glad you and Pepperbird contacted authorities on them, people who threaten to hurt themselves need help. I'd like to be noble enough to say I only did it for her own sake, but part of was I was sick of her shenanigans. Their affair was long over...why pick at me ?
pepperbird Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 op, in the end, none of what we say matters. you have to find a way that works for you. If you want to be angry at ow, be angry at ow. If you want to be angry at your spouse, have at it. The key is to not get so bogged down in the anger that you can't move forward. If your ow is anything like the one in my situation, she will forever blame everyone else for her problems. She'll constantly see herself as a victim and feel that the world is hers- the rest of us just happen to inhabit it. There is no changing that sort of entitlement.
HappySenior Posted January 5, 2020 Posted January 5, 2020 In my case, I think it's the other way around. The OW is now married to my ex-husband#2 and has been for a decade. She won't let me anywhere near her, even though they are also thought of as my grandchildren's grandparents. I think she's afraid there are feelings left in him. (There of course would be such a long marriage!) I offered friendship and she blocked me. I really blame all three of us. Me, for being so difficult at that stage of my life (midlife crisis and online long distance fling, my ex for succumbing to temptation (he always had poor boundaries), and her for "going after" (it was pretty obvious) a married man. The fact that they've been married so long is probably more due to his feeling so guilty the first time, that he won't do it again. But he looks OLD now... Much older than me if truth be known. Time has worn him down. I'm pretty certain she keeps him on a tight leash - I don't know if he does the same. Do I want revenge? I never really did - not a vengeful person. I did want him back, but it never seemed possible. They up and married after the divorce and before I really had a chance to put myself back together. So I've had a short series of (mostly) five year relationships and now live alone and mostly love it. Lots of friends and social events. So I'm doing the "living well" revenge, you could say. But it's for me, not for them. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 1:16 PM, Confused48 said: Oh, but now I see, you are/were and AP. It makes sense now,. Of course you don't think AP's are all that bad. Of course you think letting the other BS know is a bad idea. LOL. It's easy to identify which posters are cheaters and which ones are not 2
FMW Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 Not seeking revenge against someone doesn't mean you don't see them as "bad". It most likely has to do with your general nature. I'm fortunate to have never had anything horrible enough to me to make me want revenge. My husband's infidelity included. The only thing I can think of is maybe if someone murdered someone I loved - then maybe I would want revenge. And if you want to make a correlation to morality - mainstream religions do not support vengeance. For Jews and Christians, the Book of Leviticus says "Vengeance is Mine, sayeth the Lord". 2
stillafool Posted January 6, 2020 Posted January 6, 2020 Yeah I would be pretty pissed off at a woman who was trying to be my friend while also trying to steal my husband. That's pretty low and a double betrayal. If she didn't know me I would still be pissed but more angry with my husband. 1
Caauug Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 10 hours ago, Finding my way said: Not seeking revenge against someone doesn't mean you don't see them as "bad". It most likely has to do with your general nature. So true!!! The important part keep a level head and think things out. Ask some questions.... Is it a battle you can win? Never pick a fight when you are going to loose. Is it worth the fight? If you are not going to gain why put the effort into it? Is there a better way? Shooting AP and spending the rest of your life behind bars while WS gets all does not sound like best option.... Sometimes it's just better to grab what you can and remember the mistakes that were made.
pepperbird Posted January 7, 2020 Posted January 7, 2020 On 1/3/2020 at 2:43 PM, Artdeco said: Yes, mea culpa, I was an ap. Thanks for bringing that and digging that up. it proves my point even more. And it doesn’t change the fact that I was also cheated on in the past. And I think that’s just par for the course if you’re in a relationship. Any relationship. It’s not ideal - but it happens. What I never did was blaming my partner’s affair partner(s). As a matter of fact, I didn’t even blame “him”. I was actually mad at myself for choosing the wrong person to be in my life long-term.I simply made the wrong choice. Not her - Not him. My “fault”. Or even better – my (learning) experience. bu here's the thing. who is the one who paid the ultimate price for this self discovery? was it you? No. Was the married person you were seeing? No. It was the BS and and fmaily involved. You were more than willing for them to suffer if it meant you got what you wanted. I fail to see any difference between that and any other selfish act. You may feel differently, which is your right. The majority of ow/om aren't duped or lied to, they know full well the person is married and simply don't care who they hurt if it means they get what they feel they are entitled to have. I'm fully in favor of a BS taking whatever steps, sans criminal activity, that helps them to regain a sense of balance and control over their life. For some, that will mean making a clean cut, for others, that means staying. Some get angry at the ow/om and some don't. It's a question of being able to move forward, and if assigning a portion of the blame for the affair to the "other"gives them that, then so be it. All I know is i treated the ow in my situation with a hell of a lot more kindness and respect than she ever showed me- and you know what? It made absolutely no difference. She was still a first class you know what to me, blaming me for her idiotic life. 2
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