Did you get mad at the OW or OM?

[Lost33]

Earlier this year, my husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker. We have since done therapy and gotten better. He completely ended it with her. The OW knew me, knew we were married, and actually attempted to wedge between our marriage. If she didn't know about me then I wouldn't of been mad but I take it personal when someone wants to destroy my marriage. I wanted to key her car, slash her tires, mail her things, just do horrible things to her honestly. I've worked hard for my career and I didn't act on anything, but if I had nothing to lose she'd be suffering. Everyday I pray bad things happen to her. Out of curiosity, were you mad at the OW/OM when you found out and did you act on anything? Any sweet revenge stories?

[elaine567]

Why are you so mad at her? 
She is not the one who actually betrayed you and your marriage...
 

[carhill]

It's generally easier to lash out at humans we don't care whether they live or die versus someone we have an emotional investment in and, in marriage, a legal and financial one too. However, unless threat of injury/death/jail, etc, was involved, it's highly unlikely any spouse was coerced into infidelity. They chose it. As such, they are responsible for their choice. Fear not, though, if you'd been the unfaithful one, H would've more likely gone after your lover than you, and men usually use violence on other men. So your feelings are perfectly normal. They will pass. 

In general, the best revenge is living well. Friends and acquaintances will come and go. Billions of potentials in that realm on the planet. You have one spouse.

[FMW]

Your husband is the one who betrayed you - she wasn't your friend, she didn't make a vow to be faithful to you - he did.  You're probably funneling all your anger to her because you feel you can't let yourself put it on him since you're staying together. 

 

She may have purposely and aggressively targeted your husband - but he allowed it.  There are other women out there like her.  Either he's committed to you enough to say no to other opportunities or he's not.  In order to truly move on and have a stronger relationship with your husband you have to be able to see clearly what he did and then choose to forgive and believe he won't do it again.   

 

You certainly aren't expected to have any nice thoughts about her - but she's not your problem.  Wanting to do violence and praying for bad things to happen to someone else is destructive to your own well-being. It might even make her happy to know she's gotten so into your head.  Don't give her the satisfaction.  

[mark clemson]

I'm not, to my knowledge, a BS. However I do have a fairly rich fantasy life and there have been people who (temporarily) I hated enough to imagine doing bad things to on a regular basis. For me, I now view this as a way of processing my strong negative feelings in a safe way, rather than attempting to keep them completely bottled up. In all cases as the years went by my emotions eventually cooled and my negative fantasies would stop (possibly occasionally being briefly triggered by something).

 

Perhaps this is how you are processing these very understandable feelings as well.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

On 12/21/2019 at 10:34 AM, Lost33 said:

...were you mad at the OW/OM when you found out and did you act on anything? Any sweet revenge stories?

Yes, of course. It's human nature. No revenge stories, but I've fantasized about it 1,000 times.

[Starswillshine]

At first, I wasn't. It was on my husband. She had no idea who I was. 

 

However, after I had spoken to her and the evil and vile things she said and did to me.... well, there is no question why she was an OW. And apparently, continues to be one to other men. 

 

She is no longer a factor in my. Nor is my now ex-husband. 

[pepperbird]

You darned well better believe I was. That lasted until I realized just how disordered she was/is. I can't be angry at that. Mind you, that irritated her more than anything else.

She was a constant thorn in my side, and would try and make me feel bad by telling me she was going to hurt herself and it would all be my fault.

I finally had enough. After another message form her threatening self harm, I figured maybe she was serious ( of course, she wasn't) and reported her words. First res[ponders showed up at her home to make sure she was okay. I have no idea what was said, but she stopped that line of pestering. I guess my "revenge" would be to know that she's married now, has kids and her husband isn't faithful. I take no satisfaction in that, as i know how it feels and wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Edited December 26, 2019 by pepperbird

[Jordan's thoughts]

On 12/21/2019 at 5:34 PM, Lost33 said:

Earlier this year, my husband had an emotional affair with a co-worker. We have since done therapy and gotten better. He completely ended it with her. The OW knew me, knew we were married, and actually attempted to wedge between our marriage. If she didn't know about me then I wouldn't of been mad but I take it personal when someone wants to destroy my marriage. I wanted to key her car, slash her tires, mail her things, just do horrible things to her honestly. I've worked hard for my career and I didn't act on anything, but if I had nothing to lose she'd be suffering. Everyday I pray bad things happen to her. Out of curiosity, were you mad at the OW/OM when you found out and did you act on anything? Any sweet revenge stories?

Not really.... I was  completely furious and utterly disgusted with my ex-girlfriend and not the person she cheated with because my ex KNEW BETTER and knew I wouldn't  accept it, Plus she did it during one of the worst possible times in my life to do it...It was during the  burial of my grandmother who died of cancer and possibly before that time ....

[RecentChange]

Only a little bit honestly.

 

It was my husband who lied to both of us, and once I talked to her, I understood she was duped. And surprisingly we kept it civil - no name calling etc.

 

She pissed me off when she didn't adhere to no contact. The gig was up, she knew I was monitoring his phone etc yet she STILL kept trying to contact him - that pushed me from understanding to angry with her.

 

Given a chance - I am pretty sure my husband would have pummeled my other man. I pleaded for him not to, as I had already messed things up enough and I really didn't want him going to jail for assault.  So yes, I would say my husband was more than "mad" at the other man, he wanted to end him. 

[Piddy]

Yes I was mad.  He was a cop who was married with kids.  She was my live in girlfriend.  It was a meeting of happenstance with her store being broken into.  They must've flirted with each other and then I saw all the classic signs of cheating. 

 

Calling and saying she had to work late, new friends, personality change (unhappy, disagreeable etc.) and then one night she never came back home.  

 

I contemplated calling his wife and going to his Chief of Police.  But as I posted in another thread decided not to do it.  He very well could've lost his job and his family.  I'd like to think that at the age of 21 I was that considerate.  I remember thinking of doing it, but to be honest don't know why I didn't.

 

As I've stated before it was the most emotionally painful experience of my life including deaths in the family.  The scar tissue is still there 43 years later.  But yes I was furious at him and her.  Ironically she called me two years later and wanted to get back together, but I had moved on and was dating my (now) wife.  

 

 

 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Piddy

[Lost33]

Thanks for all the responses and understanding. It is true that my husband did betray me and not "her" but I did become friends with her. My husband had a group of friends he hung out with at work and she was in the group. We went to parties together and worked on cars. I had hung out with her on multiple occasions within the group. What upset me with her was that she groomed him, she made him feel bad for saying no to things and then she would always talk to make herself look better. When I found out by reading thru FB messages, she would make comments that made me seem like I was lazy or just treating him like crap. When she entered the picture, my husband and I were already in a rocky relationship and I felt she knew it and wanted what I have. I just don't understand breaking girl code, I'm not one to do that. I've had men pursue me before that were wealthy and married but I've never given into it, I couldn't do that to someone's wife nor would I want to have that done to me. When I talked to my husband about how it started, he said it's cause they work together 10hrs a day 5x a week and she puts in the effort to ask how he's doing and show him attention. I've realized that it wasn't her that my husband even cares for, it was just the attention. As soon as I found out he dropped it without hesitation. Thru counseling, we've fixed the root cause and give each other attention, my intuition tells me it's stopped completely, I don't see signs anymore. She actually quit the job since then so I'm celebrating on the inside. I think I'm more mad at her for trying to turn my husband against me and saying awful things about me. When she said stuff like that in the messages my husband was defending me the whole time. Just wish I could teach her a lesson or watch karma get her back, hopefully one day I will.

 

[elaine567]

I guess you can forget her, as she is now out of the picture.
Who is he working with now?

[Starswillshine]

I can definitely understand being beyond angry if the OW was someone you thought was a friend. Because yes, she did betray you, as well. Period. 

 

I needed to add I never met the OW in my xWH's case. She lived a plane ride away. But she was much like pepperbird's OW. Constant thorn in my side. The same situation, constant suicide threats. Why call me? I'm not her friend. Anyway, the girl is a basket case. 

[Jordan's thoughts]

1 hour ago, Lost33 said:

Thanks for all the responses and understanding. It is true that my husband did betray me and not "her" but I did become friends with her. My husband had a group of friends he hung out with at work and she was in the group. We went to parties together and worked on cars. I had hung out with her on multiple occasions within the group. What upset me with her was that she groomed him, she made him feel bad for saying no to things and then she would always talk to make herself look better. When I found out by reading thru FB messages, she would make comments that made me seem like I was lazy or just treating him like crap. When she entered the picture, my husband and I were already in a rocky relationship and I felt she knew it and wanted what I have. I just don't understand breaking girl code, I'm not one to do that. I've had men pursue me before that were wealthy and married but I've never given into it, I couldn't do that to someone's wife nor would I want to have that done to me. When I talked to my husband about how it started, he said it's cause they work together 10hrs a day 5x a week and she puts in the effort to ask how he's doing and show him attention. I've realized that it wasn't her that my husband even cares for, it was just the attention. As soon as I found out he dropped it without hesitation. Thru counseling, we've fixed the root cause and give each other attention, my intuition tells me it's stopped completely, I don't see signs anymore. She actually quit the job since then so I'm celebrating on the inside. I think I'm more mad at her for trying to turn my husband against me and saying awful things about me. When she said stuff like that in the messages my husband was defending me the whole time. Just wish I could teach her a lesson or watch karma get her back, hopefully one day I will.

 

It's a good thing u and him worked it out and your case is a prime example of "wanting what you cannot have"..,I pray for your  marital success and a happy ending 

[Lost33]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

I guess you can forget her, as she is now out of the picture.
Who is he working with now?

 

Yes, you are right. She will probably go ruin a marriage at her new job, maybe the next wife won't hold back like I did. My husband has a group of guys he works with now that are a different group. When I found out about the affair and he was willing to do everything to repair our marriage, I set the boundary that he cannot be apart of that group anymore because she was in it, so the guys in that group haven't been close to him like they used too. The business is mechanical/tech type job so there aren't a lot of females there but my husband has been open talking to me about the drama within the business (between other people) so I'm thankful for that.

[Lost33]

1 hour ago, Starswillshine said:

I can definitely understand being beyond angry if the OW was someone you thought was a friend. Because yes, she did betray you, as well. Period. 

 

I needed to add I never met the OW in my xWH's case. She lived a plane ride away. But she was much like pepperbird's OW. Constant thorn in my side. The same situation, constant suicide threats. Why call me? I'm not her friend. Anyway, the girl is a basket case. 

 

I'm glad you and Pepperbird contacted authorities on them, people who threaten to hurt themselves need help.

[Confused48]

I totally disagree with all that, "Your WS is the only one that owed you anything. The only one you can hold accountable." 

 

We live in a society. We all are responsible for our actions. You run a red light, on purpose, you put us all in danger with that attitude. Its anti-social behavior. 

 

If you knowingly sleep with a married person, you should be punished. Severely. The best person to carry out this punishment is the BS.

 

Go for it. Be safe, don't put yourself at risk, be legal, etc. There are plenty of ways to bring justice to the OM/OW without breaking the law. I did it in spades and it felt great. I got a good result. No regrets. The ones with regrets are ones that should have them, the affair partner and my WS.

 

Anyone that doesn't go after the OM/OW (one that knowingly and consciously blew up a marriage) makes it more likely they will harm more people. I see it as a duty to my fellow human beings to have brought justice to the affair partner in my life.

 

Sort of a gift to the affair partner too. Perhaps the AP will see the error of their ways, repent, and have a happier life because of it. 

[RecentChange]

Eh, glad revenge worked well for you confused - but honestly I am just not a vengeful person.

 

I wouldn't want to invest time and energy seeking legal revenge on someone for having sex with someone else.

 

I rather move on than prove a point. 

 

Did you seek the same legal ramifications on your spouse so that they do not "hurt someone again"?

[mark clemson]

It's one thing to take be (understandably) angry, and another to seek revenge. Quite another for a person to convince themselves they're somehow doing the target of their revenge or "the world" a favor. No doubt there are cops who abuse criminals convincing themselves of the same thing. IMO it's self-delusion.

[Confused48]

On 12/27/2019 at 5:24 PM, RecentChange said:

Did you seek the same legal ramifications on your spouse so that they do not "hurt someone again"?

Well, yes. To protect myself more than others though. Divorce. Of course you can't divorce the OM/OW. 

On 12/27/2019 at 8:15 PM, mark clemson said:

It's one thing to take be (understandably) angry, and another to seek revenge. Quite another for a person to convince themselves they're somehow doing the target of their revenge or "the world" a favor. No doubt there are cops who abuse criminals convincing themselves of the same thing. IMO it's self-delusion.

Cops abusing a criminal is not a good analogy.  First of all, bringing natural consequences upon a person who has wronged you, and harmed your family, your children, bringing consequence to that person is not abuse.

I think a better analogy would be to put both the drunk driver that killed a family in jail, as well as the bartender that knowingly served that person till they could not see straight.  Knowing that person would then drive off and letting him/her do so with not a second thought. To do nothing to either of them would be to all but ensure more destruction and devastation will follow. 

A stretch in jail for such people has been know to 1) curb future similar behavior and 2) bring genuine remorse for their actions and allow them to lead a better, more fulfilling life after. Certainly not always but there is a chance for this. 

[mark clemson]

Fair point about the actions/"natural consequences" - I find that understandable. I agree it's not abuse if it's not taken to extremes. I disagree about the "it being good that you did that" part. I see it as hurting them back because they hurt you, in revenge/retaliation. If there are those who feel a need to convince themselves they are doing the other person some sort of favor, fine, but I don't buy it at all.

People have the ability to convince themselves and post-hoc justify all sorts of things. By a similar logic, an AP could convince themselves they're "doing the BS a favor" by keeping their marriage intact for them. Or, if there's a D-day, the did them a favor by showing BS "what kind of person they were really married to" etc. Anyone can play this game of "I'm doing you a favor by hurting you."

If it's really about "doing right by the AP" you have them end the affair and then leave them be to sort out their own life as they see fit. That isn't what this is at all.

I understand getting revenge. People act on strong emotions. I just find it odd that people need to kid themselves into thinking it's more than that. IF it was they could find a different way.

[Mr. Lucky]

On 12/27/2019 at 3:50 AM, Lost33 said:

What upset me with her was that she groomed him, she made him feel bad for saying no to things and then she would always talk to make herself look better. When I found out by reading thru FB messages, she would make comments that made me seem like I was lazy or just treating him like crap. When she entered the picture, my husband and I were already in a rocky relationship and I felt she knew it and wanted what I have. I just don't understand breaking girl code, I'm not one to do that. I've had men pursue me before that were wealthy and married but I've never given into it, I couldn't do that to someone's wife nor would I want to have that done to me. When I talked to my husband about how it started, he said it's cause they work together 10hrs a day 5x a week and she puts in the effort to ask how he's doing and show him attention. I've realized that it wasn't her that my husband even cares for, it was just the attention.

You make an awful lot of excuses for your husband's poor choices.  Cheaters are going to cheat and, were it not her, it would have been someone else.  Not sure why "girl code" should be more binding than marriage vows...

Mr. Lucky

[Caauug]

On 12/21/2019 at 11:34 PM, Lost33 said:

Out of curiosity, were you mad at the OW/OM when you found out and did you act on anything? Any sweet revenge stories?

I had known and considered OM a friend but not close, I had done work for him, drank beer with him, visited back and forth for close to 5 yrs. I knew he had connections as he could pull off some strange arrangements. A few months before D-Day I hear he is Satan's Choice. Everything fell into place and made sense, then D-Day hits, then I find out it's him..... I maybe a little slow but I am not stupid.... 

I let him know that I know.... I go out of my way to avoid him after that. He goes off the deep end on being paranoid putting up cameras and gates, fences etc. Maybe that was my Karma? Years later I hear he was extradited to Texas on drug charges (hearsay) 

As time passed information came out that there were multiple affairs, ONS and FWB with heaps of guys. I was disappointed in the OM (Men), I knew them all. The hurt/anger/hate was directed at WS. What can I say I was married to a slut!! 

[elaine567]

4 hours ago, Caauug said:

As time passed information came out that there were multiple affairs, ONS and FWB with heaps of guys. I was disappointed in the OM (Men), I knew them all. The hurt/anger/hate was directed at WS. What can I say I was married to a slut!! 

That is often the problem.
The BS becomes so engrossed with the OM/OW that they focus all their hate and thoughts of revenge onto them.
They can't stay married and keep hating their spouse, as that doesn't work, but they can hate the  "b*tch/b*strd that stole my husband/wife".
Meanwhile the WS gets almost a free pass, until the next time...