My boyfriend called me a dumb bitch as a joke and I don’t like it

[Cuteduda]

My boyfriend of close go 3 years is calling me a dumb bitch as a joke when I don’t give him what he wanted. I would tell him that I don’t like what he is doing and he would still do it. However, when I started to raise my voice to make my point of my dislike to him, he would call me a “dumb bitch”. 
Just today, he called me a “crazy woman” because I wanted to go out for an alone time after an unhappy conversation with him. We had a wire that was lost and he immediately asked me where it is and asked me where I kept it. He proceed to say of course he would say it’s my fault as I’m a messy girl. So I got upset at that. He said that I am to blame for everything. 
when I walked out he said I am a crazy woman. 
later on when he called me, he said that i am making a big fuss out of small thing. And that why can’t I take joke. 
I tried to explain to him through text that the matter is about respect and sensitivity towards the other party but he refused to listen and said “there’s no point in arguing with you” and “make a big fuss out of small things” and “why don’t you go back to your mom house to stay” . 
I told him why can’t he let his ego down for once and reflect on this issue that has been occurring for so many times. And that he always brushes off by saying “no need to talk so much. What now”

I am confused as in am I making a big fuss out of this or what? Is it my fault? 

[carhill]

Welcome to LS... did this type of language start up recently or has it been going on for some time, noting you're together close to three years....

 

I've noticed in modern educate circles, it's apparently acceptable to use pejorative language to describe someone's behavior, e.g., you're acting like a dumb bitch, since that's not condiered 'personal', forex you're a good person but you're acting like a dumb bitch. I don't agree with that distinction but the wordsmiths of the world seemed to have worked it out as acceptable.

Up to you. I don't abide name callers, wordsmiths or not. If this guy boiled you one degree at a time, ramping this up over a long time, that's very manipulative and likely abusive. Perhaps you should go back to your mom's house to stay and cut contact with him. I likely would.

[smackie9]

No what he is doing is gas-lighting you, and that's a form of abuse. Gas-lighting meaning he's making you feel it's your fault and you are over reacting, like it's all in your head. He's rude, mean and insensitive. He lacks respect. He doesn't and won't listen to you. You can't fix this or make him stop. Sorry girl but this is grounds for a breakup. pack your stuff up and go live with your mom. IMO once they start threatening you, that's when it should over.

Edited December 21, 2019 by smackie9

[elaine567]

This is emotional abuse. It will only get worse 
Take yourself and your lovely cat back to your Mom's house...
There will be no happiness for you with this guy.

[FMW]

He's being awful to you.  How have you lasted for 3 years?  Like Carhill, my question is has it always been like this?

 

Either way, it's wrong.  If it's always been this way then he has no reason to change his awful treatment of you, you've shown him you'll accept it.  But even if it's just a recent development, it's wrong, verbal abuse and such a lack of respect is never acceptable.  

 

Leave him behind, don't look back.  

[schlumpy]

He's trying to push you away. I think if you examine the vital signs of your relationship you going to find that they are not good and have declining for some time. Relationships run their course. If you two aren't looking towards marriage and children after three years together then it isn't likely to happen. I think you care about him more then he does about you. That puts you at a disadvantage. Protect yourself and start demanding he treat you with respect. If he doesn't, then it will not be in your best interest to stay in the relationship.

[preraph]

Welcome to the "only joking" variety of bad boyfriends.  I swear, this is really a type, and no one should put up with their backhanded abuse and gaslighting.  He has to make you feel stupid to make himself feel smart because he has low self-esteem.  You might just read up on it.  Here's just a random link I googled that has a little info.  And then leave that out and write "This is you" up on the top of it and let him read it.  Hopefully, after that he'll be too embarrassed to keep it up knowing that it only reflects on how weak he is.  But since it's a serious problem inside him, it's not going to go away but probably manifest in different ways.  Don't waste your life on this asshat.  

 

https://exploringyourmind.com/hurtful-critical-people-missing-something/

[elaine567]

58 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

He's trying to push you away. 

Not necessarily.
He is making himself feel better by  taking the OP down. When she is unhappy he feels happier.
The last thing he may want is for her to leave as he loses his "victim" and scapegoat.

[Lotsgoingon]

No one who was really into you ... and someone who'll treat you right ... will call you a dumb bitch. Period. 

 

Dump this guy. He's trying to manipulate you and get you insecure and on the defensive so he can boss you around and control you.

 

Run ... I know, disappointing and sad ... but walk away ... block him from all social media ... ignore his calls for a week ... If after a week he comes begging back, you might--MIGHT!--consider talking again to him. 

 

He's not going to stop based on you asking him politely. You have to walk. 

[preraph]

The ironic thing about these "leveling" types who have to tear people down in order to feel better about themselves is they do it worst of all to those they admire the most, because taking down someone they think highly of gives them their biggest boost, because in their mind, in that fleeting moment, they feel it makes them better than that person.  This is why nearly all celebrities have major problems with this type person attacking them.  They'll attack those they admire the most.  You can't fix him.  This is a real hard-wired type of brain problem that starts in childhood usually or at some point of being bullied and he'd need years of therapy and even that might not fix him.  So require more of your next boyfriend.  

[Cuteduda]

1 hour ago, Finding my way said:

He's being awful to you.  How have you lasted for 3 years?  Like Carhill, my question is has it always been like this?

 

Either way, it's wrong.  If it's always been this way then he has no reason to change his awful treatment of you, you've shown him you'll accept it.  But even if it's just a recent development, it's wrong, verbal abuse and such a lack of respect is never acceptable.  

 

Leave him behind, don't look back.  

Thank you for your reply! 
Yes this have been going on for some time. Everytime he did something I don’t like, and I try to explain to him, he brushes away and called me a dumb bitch it crazy woman then afterward saying I can’t take joke. I specifically told him before that I am sensitive to words like bitch due to my past eg getting bullied in school...  so I’m really upset when he does it. 
He doesn’t seem to feel like he did something wrong most of the time and he even said today that he felt like he did nothing wrong. That I’m the one making a big fuss. As it had happened a lot of times, I feel upset and is thinking is this my fault or what is actually happening and how to deal with it. 
 

thank you for your help and I’m sorry for the Long paragraphs

[Cuteduda]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

Welcome to the "only joking" variety of bad boyfriends.  I swear, this is really a type, and no one should put up with their backhanded abuse and gaslighting.  He has to make you feel stupid to make himself feel smart because he has low self-esteem.  You might just read up on it.  Here's just a random link I googled that has a little info.  And then leave that out and write "This is you" up on the top of it and let him read it.  Hopefully, after that he'll be too embarrassed to keep it up knowing that it only reflects on how weak he is.  But since it's a serious problem inside him, it's not going to go away but probably manifest in different ways.  Don't waste your life on this asshat.  

 

https://exploringyourmind.com/hurtful-critical-people-missing-something/

Thank you! I’ll definitely read the post and let him know too!

[Cuteduda]

36 minutes ago, preraph said:

The ironic thing about these "leveling" types who have to tear people down in order to feel better about themselves is they do it worst of all to those they admire the most, because taking down someone they think highly of gives them their biggest boost, because in their mind, in that fleeting moment, they feel it makes them better than that person.  This is why nearly all celebrities have major problems with this type person attacking them.  They'll attack those they admire the most.  You can't fix him.  This is a real hard-wired type of brain problem that starts in childhood usually or at some point of being bullied and he'd need years of therapy and even that might not fix him.  So require more of your next boyfriend.  

Thank you! 

[mrs rubble]

Next time he calls you a dumb bitch, tell him yes you are for letting him treat you this way, but you've wised up now and you're not going to put up with it anymore.

Then walk off and never look back.  He will only get worse if you stay.

[VIOLET EDEN]

I think it only matters how much it affects you. If you do not like it, and you have told, he should genuinely stop (whether it is the norm to joke in modern times), and is he doesn't then break up with him. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, carhill said:

I've noticed in modern educate circles, it's apparently acceptable to use pejorative language to describe someone's behavior, e.g., you're acting like a dumb bitch, since that's not condiered 'personal', forex you're a good person but you're acting like a dumb bitch. I don't agree with that distinction but the wordsmiths of the world seemed to have worked it out as acceptable.

 

Sorry Carhill, the wordsmiths of the world would not agree with your usage there.  I learned this stuff it while working in schools and have used it on my own kids. Used correctly, one would never say "you're acting like" and they would certainly not follow up with "dumb bitch".    This language is really only used with children anyway and employed when discussing their behaviour,.    "that was disrespectful behaviour"  or "you're being disrespectful" would be a fairly classic way to use it.     

 

Perhaps some have picked up the language, bastardised it and pretend that "you're acting like a dumb bitch" is somehow acceptable?  I don't know.   But it's not how this language was designed to be used.  

 

 

Edited December 21, 2019 by basil67

[Isthisloveordream]

He called you what?! 
Woman, seriously, if I were you, I’d run as far as possible from him and never look back.

 

This type of language can never be considered a joke. It’s not funny, it’s downright rude and mean.

 

Today you have him calling you a dumb bitch and tomorrow you’ll have him controlling and manipulating you and isolating you from your friends and family.

 

This guys seems to have issues and a lack of respect for you and women in general. 
 

I wouldn’t tolerate that any longer. 

 

[Springsummer]

I second the above post

Edited December 22, 2019 by Springsummer

[carhill]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

Sorry Carhill, the wordsmiths of the world would not agree with your usage there.  I learned this stuff it while working in schools and have used it on my own kids. Used correctly, one would never say "you're acting like" and they would certainly not follow up with "dumb bitch".    This language is really only used with children anyway and employed when discussing their behaviour,.    "that was disrespectful behaviour"  or "you're being disrespectful" would be a fairly classic way to use it.     

 

Perhaps some have picked up the language, bastardised it and pretend that "you're acting like a dumb bitch" is somehow acceptable?  I don't know.   But it's not how this language was designed to be used.  

 

 

 Good, I'll quote your post every time I run across such wordsmithing on these forums. After 51,000 posts and another 5,000 moderating, I've seen it plenty! That's why I mentioned it.

[Redhead14]

Sweetie, I would have been out the door and never looked back when the word dumb came out of his mouth, let alone b*tch the first time . . .   Anyone who dismisses your concerns, needs, expectations or otherwise tries to invalidate or put you on mute should be left in your dust. 

[skywriter]

Cuteduda,

 

If I were you I'd be asking him where does a relationship go in the future when one is calling the other dumb bitch? Do you in turn choose an insult 

for him when there serious discussions? How do you as a couple grow? If he does'nt

 even want to have a discussion about this, then this is indicative of what you've got for a future partner in life. In fact, it should tell you  he's probably ashamed, knows he's wrong and being called out and he doesn't like this.There again, he needs to control the situation. So you have to ask yourself can you love and sustain being in along term relationship, sacrificing these years of your life for this person and what they're offering.

 

My next concern would be when and if verbal attacks graduate to physical attacks. It could be way down the road, with many years under your belt and maybe a child or two. 

 

 

[Els]

Doing it once might mean he's clueless.

 

Doing it multiple times after being told that it makes you uncomfortable makes him an a**h***. Don't stay with a**h***s.

[kendahke]

On 12/21/2019 at 9:43 AM, Cuteduda said:

My boyfriend of close go 3 years is calling me a dumb bitch as a joke when I don’t give him what he wanted.

 

This is as far as I'm reading on this one.  Why is he still your boyfriend? 

 

Why would he stop when you don't seem to be able to put in place some strong consequences to him talking to you like this?  He has nothing to fear from you because, well, there you are and there you remain.  He has no incentive to stop.

 

Value yourself more than this, OP.  No one can give you advice on how to change a grown man who doesn't want to change.  The advice we can give you is for what you can control: how close in proximity to this cretin you're choosing to place your person.  There needs to be a universe of space between you and him, if you love yourself.

 

In then meantime, I refer you to my tag line below, volunteer:

Edited December 22, 2019 by kendahke

[Calmandfocused]

A “joke” is meant to be funny. Putting someone down, disrespecting them and degrading them is not a joke... it’s emotional abuse. 
 

I have a history of being in abusive relationships. Abusive people tend to gravitate to me like flies round a piece of s**t. And that analogy is a good one because that’s exactly how they ended up treating me. 

I’ve made it my mission to learn how to stay away from these men at all costs, and with that I’ve become educated in the manipulative games that are played. 

 

what he’s doing is gravitating you to the exact position he wants you to be in by “blaming” you for his behaviour, thus giving him an excuse to carry on. Yep, he gaslights you and you forgive this behaviour because you get on board with the perception that it’s you whose “too sensitive” 

 

I can assure you that this behaviour is not ok! 
 

You stand your ground and tell him that such behaviour is not acceptable under any circumstances and that it makes no difference what his excuses are. Doesn’t matter if he argues with you or twists this around. You make your boundary crystal clear: “carry on being abusive to me mate and I’m off”
 

No excuses, no negotiation, no flexibility. 
 

And follow through with what you say. If you don’t you just give him the green light to carry on. 
 

Good luck 
 

 

[lana-banana]

You are not making a big fuss of wanting to be treated with respect and decency. He should have stopped being your boyfriend the first time he told you your concerns weren't worth talking about. This man clearly has no respect for you and his behavior is abusive. Please, leave now before this escalates.