SpringDale Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 I have a delimma. I have been married just over a year and recently moved due to a job. My wife and I moved and have grown to love our new town. We bought a nice house and we're getting involved with the community. Unfortunately, I met a woman at work and got involved. My wife knows that it was 'inappropriate', but doesn't fully realize the feelings that I had/have for the OW. During this time, my wife and I have grown further apart and I'm 2nd guessing if she's the right girl for me, yet she wants to resolve our differences and fix our marriage. I admire and look up to her for finding the courage to work with me, and here I am playing the victim role when I brought this on her. I don't blame her for any of this, but I do find that my feelings and motivation is severly lacking. I'm just not sure what to do. The OW truely cares for me and wants a future with me. I too, would want a future with her in a heartbeat if I weren't married. With the problems I'm having at home, she thinks I should get a divorce and see what could happen b/w the two of us. I'm sure it would be a great partner, she's an awesome girl and I have faith that she would be what I'm looking for. ...but I'm married. I just don't know what to do. At the surface I feel like I should just work on things with my wife, but I hesitate to feel like I settled for something. Would I be staying for her, or the house and all that we've built? I knew before I proposed that there were a few things I'd have to learn to live without, and I decided it was worth that. I can't just change my mind b/c I think someone else will fit the bill better, can I? What's right here? Follow logic or follow my heart? I need a swift kick back to reality in a hurry!
quankanne Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 reality check: you owe it to yourself, your wife and your marriage to put everything you've got into your marriage to see if this is where you are meant to be, because right now, it sounds like you're suffering from a bad dose of "the grass looks greener on the other side" syndrome. get into couple's counselling and work to see if your marriage can be saved. Regardless of what you decide, you will know that you did your damnedest to make things work. Because in the end, THAT is what will have mattered, that you sincerely tried. some really quick questions now: what was it that drew you to the woman you married? What made you decide that she, of all the women you knew, was the one you wanted to pursue a married life with?
LauraBancroft Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 That you at least owe it to yourself and your wife to try and work on things as much as you can. Realize that sometimes it isn't the marriage that is lacking it's a load of other things. Perhaps if you got some therapy and went together that you can renew the love and faith that you had in the first place. You may have feelings for this OW but try to remember that you're not living with the OW, you see her maybe everyday at work but to truly understand what type of person she is and how it would be to live with her you'd need to be single to experience that. Things are not always greener on the other side. Trust me I have had plenty of friends that have gone through it and they didn't turn out like their fairytale in their heads. If you get therapy for yourself and your wife as a couple at least if things do not work out you can say that you gave it your all and then move on with your life. Goodluck.
slubberdegullion Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 What's right here? Follow logic or follow my heart? You already know the answer. Like I've posted before, love is a decision, not a feeling. IMO, doing the right and logical thing is to decide to devote your energies to your wife. A temporary infatuation with OW shouldn't be a deal-breaker unless you act on it. So, as best you can, go NC with the office woman and work on your marriage.
westernxer Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Of course you're gonna feel like you settled for your wife, now that you've got a new woman who fancies you.
SpringDales Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Wow guys - thanks for the reality check. Its nice to see that the answers are all in agreement with each other. some really quick questions now: what was it that drew you to the woman you married? What made you decide that she, of all the women you knew, was the one you wanted to pursue a married life with? I lived with my wife prior to marriage, and she moved 500 miles from our 'home' with me when I had to relocate due to a job. She made the commitment for me, and in return I asked her to marry me a year later. We have again moved since we've been married and I couldn't ask for a more generous, understanding wife. She has been a best friend to me since we met. I'll admit that our intimate life was always a little shy of 'normal', but I agreed that it wasn't as important as her being a part of my life. I really appreciate this reality check - I think I needed a swift kick. There isn't any doubt in my mind that I would find happiness with the OW (I know her well as a friend now) but its time to re-dedicate myself to my wife. If it doesn't work out, then at least I'll know I tried.
whichwayisup Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 You're loving the new and crush-like feelings this OW brings out in you. The love you have for your wife is real. You have history with her! Family, friends, neighbours...A life. The good, the bad and the ugly. Ofcourse the OW has your attention!! She's new, exciting, and it's unpredictable! She makes YOU feel young again, all desired, sexy and wanted...Whereas you may feel your wife is a downer, not fun and exciting anymore. Just remember, once the novelity wears off from the OW and she falls hard inlove with you...You may realize WTF did I do??? I really DO love my wife and god, I made a horrible mistake... Either way, you have to tell your wife what's going on. It isn't fair to her at all. She probably knows you're having the affair but has chosen not to believe it.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 ......love is a decision, not a feeling. I wholeheartedly agree with that statement. Love is a choice. It's up to you to decide what you will do with it.
lilmoma1973 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Hey Spring, I think you are a jerk for putting your wife through that!! She deserves better than you are giving..You are keeping her on the back burner in case things don't work out with the OW ..You don't know what to do because your not sure what the OW wants or feels for.. Don't you know the saying "The grass isn't greener on the other side" You like the new and the exciting women cause you don't have baggage .. Let go of this women and give your wife a chance .. How do you know this OW wants you or she just likes the excitement of the new also? Wake up and make your marriage work otherwise let your wife move on and find someone that deserves her cause you sure don't!!!!
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