Being "Friends" with Partner's Past Romantic Interest?

[sweetpeaelle]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now. Very early on in agreeing to date exclusively, I was faced with an uncomfortable situation - he had just come back from a cultural trip in which he had met a woman whom he developed strong feelings for. She felt the same way about him, to the point where she wanted to try a long distance relationship. He wasn’t too keen on the idea of a long distance relationship, and asked if they could remain friends. She reluctantly agreed, and remained in steady (daily) contact with him. When he informed her that he had met me and that we had decided to start dating, she was understandably hurt. 

 

So the timeline of all of this - he met her around May 1, 2018, and spent time with her on the trip until May 10th. He and I met on May 27th, and by mid-June had decided to date exclusively. 

 

Admittedly, her presence in his life was a sore spot for a very long time in our relationship. We got into many arguments where I questioned his ability to stand his ground and put me as a priority - it wasn’t so much an issue of trust, as much as it was knowing that he was not cognizant of the fact that his nonchalantness towards the sensitivity of this matter was hurting me. For nearly the entirety of my relationship with him, short of perhaps the last few months of the year, she communicated with him very frequently. He’s shown me some of their conversations, and I’ve seen her messages pop up on his phone (not snooping!) It’s all really mundane stuff. At times, it made me think that she was just looking for a guy to be able to talk to and have that dynamic that can sometimes just seem different than with female friends. Plus, she liked him and knew he liked her, so I guess that was part of the appeal for her? 

 

This friend visited our city twice. Once, in August 2018, and another time this summer. I met her during her second trip here. 

 

She expressed some reservations in meeting me, saying that she was afraid I would jump to conclusions about her friendship with my boyfriend given their history of feelings (they never slept with each other, as far as I know.) Our meeting, which comprised of my boyfriend, her, and I, seemed great, given the history. She and I realized that we shared a lot of the same interests, and it just seemed like a nice evening of connecting and getting to know each other. At times, I even felt like she and I were having much more fun with each other and my boyfriend seemed more like a periphery figure. 

 

That experience felt like good closure. I felt like I had gained a friend. We corresponded briefly after that, but I felt it was best to keep it at that. Perhaps build the friendship up over the summer through online correspondence, as she and my boyfriend did. There was no hidden motivation to "keep tabs" on this woman -  I really felt like this was a person whom I'd like to become friends with. But I felt it was appropriate to wait for her to initiate any more conversation, as I didn’t want to come off as overbearing. Nothing came from her end for the remainder of the summer.

 

My birthday falls at the end of the summer, and she greeted me, and we had a brief conversation that ended with me being left on read, after having responded to a massive message that she sent me. I asked my boyfriend if I had said something to offend or upset her. He ended up asking her, and she said that she wasn’t upset and that life had just gotten busy and apologized for never getting back to me. All good. She initiated a “So how are you?!?!” continuation, and that went on briefly, until I was left on read again. Come Halloween, out of the blue, she messages me to comment on something Halloween-y that I posted on social media. She apologizes for her lack of communication, says that she doesn’t really use the messaging app that we were on (which was a lie, because I see her online everyday), and asks for my number instead. I give it to her. She never texts me after that. It’s now the end of December.

 

I want to reiterate that I never held the expectation that we should be friends. I don’t feel the need to be friends with all of my boyfriend’s female friends. But through her correspondence with me, she made it seem like she was interested in keeping in touch. I never once threw myself at her to force a friendship. I would respond to her messages in full and engage in meaningful ways, but I never nagged at her to keep talking to me. She was the one who would always come back after long periods of ignoring me to say that she wanted to keep in touch. 

 

How am I supposed to read this situation? 

 

She continues to speak to my boyfriend, albeit not as frequently as last year. I’ve expressed to my boyfriend that this situation makes me a little uncomfortable. I’m put off by the fact that she expresses interest in a friendship with me but continues to ignore me at her will. Quite frankly I’m a bit put off by the fact that my boyfriend doesn’t address this more straight on with her - but does he have to? I don’t know. It appears that all attempts at communication are initiated on her end, and he simply agrees to it. 

 

This just all feels weird to me. It feels weird knowing that my boyfriend continues to tolerate this behaviour from a friend. I’m not saying that he should break the friendship off, but I do feel like he should be more assertive in expressing to her that the ways that she’s communicating to me make me question the way she views me. 

 

But ahhh - I honestly, truly don’t know if I’m in the wrong here. Maybe I’m speaking from a place of privilege that is just blinding me from the reality of the situation. Outside advice would be so helpful! 

[Legatus]

Clearly you are getting frustrated at her lack of communication, even though you say her friendship is not key for you. You're right by saying it's not and it shouldn't be. After all she is your boyfriend's friend. 

 

It still seems that you do have expectations of her to keep in touch. I'm not saying you shouldn't but you do and she is not meeting them.

 

I think we both know that this open communication is somewhat important to you because that way you would be able to see changes in her, in case she would cross a line with your boyfriend. It's a risky business. 

 

One thing I learned on this forum is that people have different communication patterns with different people. She may respond to your boyfriend instantly but wait a week to respond to you. Your choice is to either mirror it and tone down your side or just let it go. When you see her next time be normal, when she sends you a message, respond but don't put too much effort in it - keep it casual, so that you don't even expect an answer. Remember that you are not her priority.

[elaine567]

She was/is more than a friend to your bf.
She had/has strong feelings for him.
Keeping in touch with him has a purpose.
If she sticks around long enough, he may change his mind about her.
You are her rival, you are probably not a person she really  wants to keep in touch with.
She is being friendly as that keeps her indirectly in contact with your bf. She can keep an eye on the relationship through you, but as for being all buddy buddy with you, she has no interest.
She also wants to keep him on board, so if her "being friendly" with you gives her brownie points with him then so be it.
My guess she is in it for the long haul, the minute you split up, she will be there for him with the tea and sympathy,  him NOT you...you will never hear from her again...

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t think she ever really intended to be good friends you.

 

She’s probably okay being on friendly terms, yes, but nothing more.  It likely still stings to know he’s with you and not her, so she prefers not to be overly buddy- like with you.

 

I wouldn’t sweat it unless you notice her being inappropriate with your boyfriend or him prioritizing her over you. Then you have a problem, but I don’t see the issue with her fading into the background of your and his lives. 

[2BGoodAgain]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

She was/is more than a friend to your bf.
She had/has strong feelings for him.
Keeping in touch with him has a purpose.
If she sticks around long enough, he may change his mind about her.
You are her rival, you are probably not a person she really  wants to keep in touch with.
She is being friendly as that keeps her indirectly in contact with your bf. She can keep an eye on the relationship through you, but as for being all buddy buddy with you, she has no interest.
She also wants to keep him on board, so if her "being friendly" with you gives her brownie points with him then so be it.
My guess she is in it for the long haul, the minute you split up, she will be there for him with the tea and sympathy,  him NOT you...you will never hear from her again...

 

I'd have to agree with her on this one....

 

honestly, your bf should drop her like a bad habit... anything causing you grief shouldn't be important enough for him to talk to ... it's like if a guy friend of his was causing you grief or making you uncomfortable, he'd talk to him about it or kinda taper off communicating with him....

 

as for the girl... she's basically keeping tabs on you to try to figure out why he chose you over her... that's basically why she got to know you.. 

 

at best, she's his friend and not yours. obviously by her actions.

at worst, she's biding her time for a better opportunity...

 

good luck!

[smackie9]

It feels weird that YOU continue to tolerate any of this at the start of your relationship. Girl this daily communication is still an emotional attachment/affair which is really pushing the boundaries of your relationship. He doesn't see anything wrong because you had let him get away with it for a year and a half+. Her....well she's just full of it. She has no intention of being friends with you....who are you kidding here trying to be friends. Possibly a way to keep an eye on her? or maybe her keeping tabs on you? IMO their relationship is inappropriate because they have unfinished business. So you are not in the wrong for not approving this, but he ain't gonna budge, so you either put up with it or you breakup. There is nothing else you can do.

Edited December 19, 2019 by smackie9

[central]

IMO, it depends on what you discern her intentions to be. If she attempts to lure your bf away or interfere in your relationship beyond what a friend would do, then ask him to end things with her.

 

Otherwise, there isn't really an issue. I am friendly with some of my wife's past bf's and lovers, and she is friends with several of mine. If boundaries weren't observed then this would not happen, but they are and it is great to have such dear friends enriching our lives.

[Lotsgoingon]

You and bf were less than wise--no you were both foolish-- to stay in contact with this woman.

 

BF was ridiculously naive to stay in touch with someone he had a recent serious flirtation with. When he started to date you, he should have cut off all communication with the other woman. He needed to shut that door--firmly--and focus on you. Even if the communication is mundane, the flirtatious subtext is there--it cannot not be there. (This is different from say an old gf from many years ago who he has really become friends with.)

 

On the other hand, you were wildly naive (though I imagine you were trying to be generous) in trying to build a relationship with this woman.  You probably didn't want to seem petty, and you liked the woman when you met her (though he shouldn't have been meeting up with her  in the first place after you guys started). You're in a no-win situation. You get closer to her ... and you're what?... confiding in her about relationship with bf? The "friendship" with her couldn't go anywhere ... Worse, you're ensuring she stays in bf's life. 

 

Setting clear boundaries would not have been petty. The result of failing to set boundaries is that you are now in the ridiculous position of feeling ignored by someone who you should not have sought friendship with in the first place. The ridiculous position of feeling rejected in reaching out to someone who you have to keep an eye on for fear that she is interested in your man. The amount of energy one has to spend to tame the inevitable jealousy and fear here is staggering--and a complete waste. You spent major energy climbing a mountain that was not worth trying to climb in the first place.  And more absurd still, you're asking bf if this other person is upset with you because her communication is spotty. You have left sanity so far behind. 

 

I get it. I've done what you've done--or some variation of it. But the truth is you have to be protective of your relationship.  BF should have cut talks with this woman as soon as you and he went exclusive. He should have done that for himself as well as for you--done it for the relationship!  When bf foolishly kept communicating,  you  should have INSISTED he cut it. Some things are worth a fight over. Worth a knock-down, screaming match over. Worth walking out the door and not answering his calls for several days. And if he didn't get it, hey ... sometimes you really have to walk. 

 

So now you've backed yourself in a corner and you probably feel uncomfortable with suddenly reversing course and saying you don't want to be friends with this woman. That's OK. Do so anyway--cut off things with her. Getting out of messes can be messy. Don't feel bad about that.

 

Cut things off with this woman ... and then be honest with bf about that relationship  and how it triggers you (even mildly so). If you get insecure, remind him that you are OK with him having women friends (assuming you are!) ... But this thing has gotten way out of control. You don't want to live with this insecurity/worry hanging over you. 

 

Time to cease the madness. And there's nothing petty (or needy or clingy) about that at all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[lana-banana]

I think you just have to let this die, and you should maybe encourage your boyfriend to let it go too. It sounds like he's already partially there. My guess is after six or more months of him not initiating, her communications will slow to a trickle if not stop altogether.

 

This would be a different situation if they had an established relationship, but they would have dated if not for the distance, which is pretty different. She no doubt has some hurt feelings over the whole issue and doesn't know how to interact with you. After a year and a half, things are pretty serious and you're the first priority in his life, and there's no reason for him to maintain any kind of relationship with her. Ambiguous relationships like this are somewhat common when you start dating someone, but by the time you get serious with someone you lose interest in the hangers-on and could-have-beens in your vicinity. Just let nature run its course. 

[kendahke]

He's still emotionally attached to her, for whatever reason. You being his girlfriend doesn't begin to touch their "friendship"

 

I'd stop reaching out to her altogether.  Her behavior is making it clear to me that she's just playing you.

 

On the one hand, I'd say keep your boyfriend out of this conversation: there's the risk of telling him and him using that information to "circle the wagons", emotionally, with her when you two have a disagreement.  I seriously doubt he would say something to her about her blowing you off after she entreats you after one of her absences, but I could be wrong--depending upon which relationship is strongest for him.  

 

If this friend says something to him about you not wanting to do anything with her, then both you and him need to have a united conversation with her about how she treats with you and to hash out any problems she's harboring against you and your relationship with this guy--your boyfriend needs to see it fall out in experience at his feet how this chick is gaslighting you for no good reason.  Hopefully, he's bright enough to see what's fallen out in said experience.

[schlumpy]

Do not be friends with this girl unless she has a boyfriend and if she visits, her SO has to come along. Anything else is not in your best interest. 

[Calmandfocused]

I 100% agree with Lotsgoingon. She should not be in either of your lives 
 

What an absolute mess. The Only thing that will be achieved here is irreparable damage to your relationship with your boyfriend. 
 

Your boyfriend is disrespecting the relationship between you and him. 
 

Don’t compete for your boyfriends affections. He either wants you and stops communicating with her or he doesn’t. 

 

 Meanwhile, assert your boundaries and stop tolerating this disrespectful behaviour. 

[I'veseenbetterlol]

On ‎12‎/‎19‎/‎2019 at 4:47 AM, 2BGoodAgain said:

Once a relationship is done, there should be no contact between both parties (unless they have kids together).  In my experience, any guy who kept contact w/his ex, wasn't over her.  They couldn't get rid of the ex because they didn't want to.  What is she bringing into his life?  Why does he still need her there?  He doesn't, he wants his cake and to eat it too.

 

[elaine567]

The main problem here is the bf and "the friend" never actually reached the "ex" stage. They didn't get bored, fall out of love and "hate" each other...
They are still at the forming a relationship stage, their relationship is stuck at the beginning.
...the one that got away...
...if only things were different...
...at some point we HAVE to be together, it is our destiny...
It is all unfinished business...

[Timshel]

Sweetpealle has her own agenda for making 'friends' with her bf's ex lover.  She is also keeping tabs.  Rather than assert yourself OP, you dodge and shift.  He isn't worth your effort and no amount of surveillance will stop their relationship if that is what they both want.

Being friends with a person who wants to be with your partner won't stop them, you may hope they take pity/compassion until the cows come home...not going to happen.

She doesn't respond because she doesn't care and being your 'friend' is not her goal, you are good for information, that's it.

My opinion would be to unfriend both your bf and his friend.  See what happens.

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, Timshel said:

She doesn't respond because she doesn't care and being your 'friend' is not her goal, you are good for information, that's it.

 

 

Good point Timshel. I had not considered that the "friend" might be in recon mode.