Sincere need for space after trying experience or typical blow off?

[RedRecluse]

Hey folks. Thanks for reading. Just trying to work this out in my head.

 

I've been diving back into the dating scene this year after a painful breakup of a long term relationship. I've only had a few short flings, things that burned hot and flamed out after a month. I met this man through work and it was such a different experience. He was calm, steady and I felt very safe and admired. It wasn't a torrent of lust, but an easy situation that just felt natural. Things were going swimmingly until he had to go in for surgery, a month into us dating. Nothing life threatening, supposedly. I went with him to the hospital and kept him company as he recovered, even staying over at his place afterwards to make sure he was okay for several days (which he asked me to do very politely and we discussed it thoroughly beforehand). He started to recover, but then had a serious issue and nearly died on the floor of his apartment the one night I wasn't there. Understandably, he was freaked out and the drama of the situation made me feel that much more attached to him.

 

Fast forward a month, and he is on the mend. We see each other at least twice a week, stay over at each other's places, meet friends, etc. But I feel like he's stopped trying. I feel the distance between us. I know he is recovering, so I've been catering to his needs a bit more than I normally would. I keep dating other people casually, to maintain a sense of perspective for myself. He knows this and is not possessive. He is occasionally very sweet and intense, which is just enough to keep him in my thoughts. I like this man. He is affectionate and kind, but seems like he has self-esteem issues. I'd like to be there for him and help him open up to the world, and I truly think we balance each other out really well. I think I'm a good communicator in relationships and have no qualms about being affectionate and patient with him as he recovers, but I remain cautious because I am a grown ass woman and I know better than to get wrapped up in something that has me doubting myself.

 

Last weekend, I leave his place after a night and brunch together and a few hours later I get this text. 'I am not doing a good enough job as a boyfriend.' We'd never had the whole 'dtr' talk, so I was surprised. It leads us into a text conversation where he says he's been feeling very off since the surgery and doesn't know what he wants, but knows I am worthy of being treated better. He says he has been selfish and I probably should not consider him a romantic option right now but really wants to remain 'close and dear friends' as he works through what's bothering him about his near death experience. I appreciate the communication, but it has left a bad taste in my mouth. Is he sincere? He doesn't strike me as a guy to use a line to blow me off. He keeps texting me, trying to maintain the connection, but I've just been giving him space and not engaging. I don't want to be used, and I'm wondering if perhaps he just kept me around as a comfort during a trying time. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

 

So, do I just leave it? Is it worth keeping him in my heart while he figures it out or am I just being another dumb girl who doesn't know when he's lost interest? I have decent self esteem, am bright and attractive, and have continued to see other people, but no one I like as much as him. Do I try to help him if he asks? I feel like I've given so much more energy and affection to this situation than I have received. I'm thinking maybe I just let him stew for a bit until he either concludes that I am worth the effort or not. I have no doubt that I can find other people to be with, but there's something about this guy that makes me not want to cut him out of my life.

 

Anyway, I'm not used to situations where I invest emotion and time and get dumped in such a weird and confusing way. The medical element makes everything so much more convoluted. If I were to be there to help him work through this, how do I do so in a way that doesn't make me too vulnerable?

 

Thoughts, dear forum people?

[preraph]

I tell you being ill and then almost dying will give you a whole new perspective on life.  

 

One of my rules I think you need to live by is if a man tells you (or a woman) he's not good enough for you, can't give you what you deserve, etc., YOU NEED TO BELIEVE HIM!  He knows he isn't able.  He may never be able.  It can also mean he's tired of putting forth what effort he is putting forth and tired of worrying about this as a side issue when he has so many other big issues.  You can't take that off of him.  So you need to believe him and respect it.  

 

If I were you, I would do this:  I would tell him, Okay, I understand, you're going through a lot and it takes a lot of your energy.  I am going to back way off and give you all the space you want and go on about my life, but I'm going to check in with you (way less than you have been) once every week or two, and you know how to reach me.  Take care.

[RedRecluse]

Preraph, that is pretty much what I've said to him. It just sucks, y'know?

[snowboy91]

35 minutes ago, RedRecluse said:

I feel like I've given so much more energy and affection to this situation than I have received.

And so I think it's likely that he feels obligated to give just as much energy back. Which he knows he can't do for reasons not only to do with his illness.

While he cares about you, he knows he can't commit to a relationship at the moment. So I'd take him at his word. Is there any way you can still be friends?

[RedRecluse]

snowboy, good point. I am a fairly energetic and enthused person who gives a lot when I find someone I like. It may be too much for him. I will think on the friends thing. I just don't really want to go back, y'know?

[Lotsgoingon]

 

It's usually NOT good for a couple not officially dating (not exclusive) to have one person attend to the other during a serious illness. If you guys were close platonic friends, that's fine. But the couple bond isn't strong enough to withstand the burden of seeing someone through a serious illness. A serious illness for people not exclusive is sorta like a mountain-sized rock dropping on a small, light sailboat. 

 

Really, unless you were dating exclusively, it wasn't your job to take care of him in the hospital and afterwards. That's for other people, friends and family, to do. That would be your job once you were dating exclusively. The problem with you getting so into caretaking mode is that you end up taking care of the other person partly to impress them and to get them to like you more, to advance the relationship. No, I'm not saying that was your intention. I'm saying those motivations are inescapable. They just slip into the mind of ANYONE in your position. 

 

It leads us into a text conversation where he says he's been feeling very off since the surgery and doesn't know what he wants, but knows I am worthy of being treated better.

 

That's wimpy talk for:  Being with you doesn't fit my energy is right now. I like you but I'm not feeling you right now. I don't feel you deep enough to connect with you in this state I'm in. 

 

I'm going to guess that yes, without the illness, you guys would have moved more steadily down the path of a relationship. But the side you're seeing here--this disinterest, this distance--you would have hit this point, seen this side of him--only later.  And you would feel exactly as you feel right now: bad.

 

No, you can't help him. It's not the job of a love interest to help him now if you're not dating exclusively. This existential stuff is work the person has to do themselves!  If he were a good fit for you, he could ask you for help or he would be able to bring you into his space, into his life, even feeling empty or confused as he is right now. 

 

Back off ... good to continue dating others. I say do NOT check in with him.  That thought can ruin your future dating. As preraph said, when someone tells you they aren't ready to date, you have got to 100 percent listen. People know when they want to date and for them to admit they are inadequate requires a lot of energy, as in you should amplify his real discomfort and distance by about 10 x the level that came across in the text.  

 

Let go and move on. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 19, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Caauug]

3 hours ago, RedRecluse said:

 

Fast forward a month, and he is on the mend. We see each other at least twice a week, stay over at each other's places, meet friends, etc. But I feel like he's stopped trying. I feel the distance between us. I know he is recovering, so I've been catering to his needs a bit more than I normally would. I keep dating other people casually, to maintain a sense of perspective for myself. He knows this and is not possessive. He is occasionally very sweet and intense, which is just enough to keep him in my thoughts. I like this man. He is affectionate and kind, but seems like he has self-esteem issues. 

 

Anyway, I'm not used to situations where I invest emotion and time and get dumped in such a weird and confusing way. 

 

I see this a little different:

You have no problem finding dates.

He has likely struck it lucky to be dating you because of his health problems.

You have stepped in to be his caregiver.

A lot of time has been spent together.

With his health issues he is not seeing anyone else.

 

I am thinking he has fallen in love with you? But as you need to "maintain a sense of perspective" he is not feeling the same from you. "He knows this and is not possessive." I think that is a total lie!! What guy, what ever age wants to share a good looking woman when he has feelings for her??? No one would. (He may let you believe otherwise). But he doesn't have you as you are still dating around. I think he has backed out in self preservation. He is not ready to process his feelings, with where you are, and his health.

 

Let him go, find someone more suited to you that is not as much work.

[chillii]

lt's lost me , wth hell would he need to be any kind of a bf, your seeing other people, he's not a bf, not even close.

But at anyrate , yeah , he's losing interest anyway .

[RedRecluse]

A lot of conflicting comments here! But this is good. I need multiple perspectives.

 

chillii, you're saying... it's worth ditching, right?

 

Lotsgoingon, you're in agreement that I should not continue to talk to him. Not take responsibility for his well-being. That's a good point. I wonder if I only care so much now because I invested all this 'caretaking time' into him. That makes sense. I do get attached the more I am allowed to give someone. That's my downfall, romantically speaking. Not sure how to work on that.

 

Caauug, you think he's fallen in love with me? I really can't see that, as he's maintained an emotional distance since the surgery. He has, on multiple occasions, commented on how lucky he is to have me around, but I don't think that's love so much as gratitude. I do think you're right that I will be better off finding someone with less baggage. I just care about him and want him to be okay and healthy, so I think that's where I'm struggling. Cutting off all contact feels somewhat cruel. I don't know. I guess self-preservation is a thing.

 

Thank you all for your help with this. I really do appreciate it.

[stillafool]

No I don't think he's fallen in love with you because if he was he couldn't let you go..  He said what he meant as men typically do but we women want to read a different meaning to it.  He likes you as a friend, knows you have been treating him the way a girlfriend would,  he has taken advantage of it, knows it's not fair and he's telling you so.  No, you cannot be his friend because you want more.  It's good that you are dating other men. do you like any of them?

[GeorgiaPeach1]

If he were seriously interested in you, he would have claimed you as his girlfriend by now. The fact that he's okay with you being with other men is a big red flag of his disinterest. He is fully aware that he's taken advantage of your kindness during his illness and now that the worst is over, he's trying to let you down easy. 

Edited December 19, 2019 by GeorgiaPeach1

[kendahke]

anytime anyone tells you they have no problem with you dating other men/women, that means you're not a priority to them, romantically.  You're fun to mark time with, but that's it.

 

Don't discount how life changing almost dying is to some people.  It might not mean much to you, but to him, having his life flash before his eyes and living to tell about it is and caused him to re-arrange what priorities are important to him in his life. 

 

If he's not capable of being who/what you need, then it's time to put this in the platonic box up on the shelf and keep on dating til you find someone with a better grip on their life.

[Lotsgoingon]

RedRecluse, I am a recovering caretaker, and this tendency ran in my family--saw it with my siblings (we got it from our mom!). 

 

Yes, you can let this go ... for one, let yourself feel bad and you will train yourself to set up an alarm warning when the next time arises that you feel pulled toward taking care of someone. The term often used is "rescuer"--you're getting in the role of the rescuer--which doesn't really work as a dating strategy.

 

Now, the ability to be comfortable and constructive and not freak out during an emergency--that's a great quality that you want to celebrate and appreciate. Most people would have pulled back in your situation simply because they would have been uncomfortable. Rescuers love stepping into an awkward situation when someone is ill or in trouble. Think one of those great myths ... you have this gift ... but the gift really should only be used when you are in a committed relationship.  Even then, you have to be careful, because rescuers tend to lose touch with their own needs and desires. They're so into helping others that they don't prioritize themselves. 

 

Tip: this can work for some rescuers. (Not relevant for non-rescuers.) You actually would do well to be more selfish and assertive and demanding in a relationship. Push yourself to be more assertive and to ask for what you want in a relationship. Most likely, if you go all-out selfish ... you're still not going to be that selfish because you're wired to take into consideration the wellbeing of your partner. So give yourself permission. Looking back in this relationship, where would you have said no, where would you have been more focused on yourself. 

 

Being nice doesn't win people over. Being kind is great, but kindness is not reckless. People like you for a bunch of other qualities ... being kind is only one of them. Do you like every kind guy you've encountered? 

 

And yes, there'a ton of research that says the person who gives more, gets invested more in the relationship.  Just pay attention to that high you get when you step in to help someone--and remind yourself, this high is misleading. A relationship has to be pretty equal (with some ups and downs) all throughout--giving and receiving. And read up on setting boundaries. 

[stillafool]

I would think that after the "life changing almost dying" incident he would be even more attached to you and realize what a great gf you are to stick by him through this.  It would seem he would not want to break up but if anything take your relationship to another level.

[Lotsgoingon]

Stillafool, it doesn't work that way necessarily.  Almost dying can simply peel away all superficial feelings ... and if this guy was in the least bit ambivalent or hesitant, he'd be likely to pull away from her. 

 

Plus, we are all helped by someone at some key point in our life. Doesn't mean we want to date them. That's in the movies. If you already like the person, feel deeply attracted to the person and feel great about the person, having someone help you through a scary time could solidify your commitment. But the basics of attraction and all of that have to be in place. 

 

In this case, these guys hadn't yet gone exclusive. Just because someone is good to you at a moment doesn't mean you'll enjoy talking to them more, looking at them more, appreciate their values more. Nope. Doesn't mean any of that.  Being grateful that someone helps you doesn't suddenly change romantic feelings. 

 

 

[RedRecluse]

9 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just because someone is good to you at a moment doesn't mean you'll enjoy talking to them more, looking at them more, appreciate their values more. Nope. Doesn't mean any of that.  Being grateful that someone helps you doesn't suddenly change romantic feelings. 

 

 

 

 

 

This is a really good point, well put. He definitely feels gratitude. Maybe that's all it was, and that's okay. Gratitude manifests in odd ways. I'm just going to leave it alone for a month and go on a couple of fun, no pressure dates. This guy doesn't owe me anything. I helped him because that's just what I felt like doing and I'd probably do it again. That's on me. I'll work on my own s*** and leave him to his. Thanks for the help and insight, really. I feel a lot less anxious about it now. 

Edited December 20, 2019 by RedRecluse

[preraph]

On 12/18/2019 at 7:06 PM, RedRecluse said:

Preraph, that is pretty much what I've said to him. It just sucks, y'know?

It does suck, but people have their limitations. I had something going on long distance some years back and then my sister went in the hospital for 6 months and I was working two jobs and trying to take care of her business and my business in the middle of this kind of emotional affair. I just got to where I could not take it on anymore and broke it off. he understood because he had had to do something similar a couple of years before when he was having an employment crises. He has been offered a really great job and then they had to tell him he couldn't have it because of the political climate, so he was caught suddenly without a job and he explained to me how compartmentalised he is and he would disappear for weeks at a time without contact and I would think he was gone and then he would come back. 

 

Sometimes you just have your priorities and you only have so much energy. now both he and I are people that have a lot of energy and normally wouldn't go through that, but there are people who just don't have the energy to function in a relationship.period, so you just have to accept that he is up to you hope he would be. It will be easier to get through if you just keep that in mind. You may have had good intentions and may have tried but he just couldn't do it. 

 

It's fine to stay in occasional touch but I would make it very tapered off so that it's not a relationship so much as an acquaintanceship and I would only do that long enough to see if he recovers any. Good luck. Date other people.