Marielle Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 How can I go nc if we work together? Is there a way? Right now things are normal, but still do not talk at work to avoid rumors (well, EVERYONE KNOWS) bcause he's a manager. I do NOT want to quit my job, I just want to scare him...Or make him react and realize he can t have control over me
Art_Critic Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 That's a game .. Why not play for keeps and make it real.. He is never going to " be scared " .. He will ALWAY'S have control over you until you get rid of him..
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Make sure that any and all interaction is kept to 'business only'. If the conversation begins to get personal on any level, any at all - even if he simply smiles at you - do not return it - just end the conversation and walk away. Be cordial in the context of business, and simply refuse any interaction outside of that.
slubberdegullion Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 First of all, it's not a dumb question at all. Inter-office romances are rife with hazards. Make sure that any and all interaction is kept to 'business only'. LB has it exactly right. Keep it professional. Also, if possible, have someone accompany you if you have meetings with this guy. The last thing you need is to be stuck in a one-on-one meeting with him right now, whether he says or does anything beyond official business or not. Rumour mills and inter-office politics can be ruinous to a career, whether they're based in fact or not.
JayKay Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 You obviously can't do 'no contact' but you CAN act as if he's nobody special. Dont' be rude. Don't be overtly friendly. Keep your demeanor absolutely and completely neutral. Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't touch him. Don't insult him. Don't act angry. Don't call 'just to talk'. DO; act professional, keep your contact minimal, maintain your calm. DO act is he is just some guy off the street that you harbor absolutely no feelings for whatsoever. Ever hear the phrase 'fake it until you make it'? Over time, this act will become real. The more you ACT like you have no feelings, the more true it will become. He will become 'just another guy' and soon there will be nothing to worry about at your job. Unless he starts trouble, which I hope won't happen for you
Maria46 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 If he causes problems and still pursues you, explain that his behavior will not be tolerated, and write down the date, time and what was said. If he continues, contact your human resources department. People in management positions know that sexual harrassment is not tolerated and he could very well lose his job.
BadBadGirl Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 You obviously can't do 'no contact' but you CAN act as if he's nobody special. Dont' be rude. Don't be overtly friendly. Keep your demeanor absolutely and completely neutral. Don't smile. Don't laugh. Don't touch him. Don't insult him. Don't act angry. Don't call 'just to talk'. DO; act professional, keep your contact minimal, maintain your calm. DO act is he is just some guy off the street that you harbor absolutely no feelings for whatsoever. this is good advice, and pretty much what i was going to say.
cherrie498 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Marielle: Dont let him get to you. I dont care who plays what role in the "business" world... THIS IS YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!Speak to him ONLY about what you have to! & really is your job that important???? NO!!!!!!!! Move on!!! If you can really say GOOD BYE!!!! Consider it a steping stone to a NEW & BETTER Marielle!!!!!!!!!!!
mopar crazy Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I have to agree. I know how hard it is to do NC when you work 2gether. My H had an A w/ a co-worker during our seperation. After he broke it off w/ her she was the one who kept calling him at home, cell, and would make sexual comments to him. He told her to stop, which she finally did after I had a talk w/ her myself. She was in the office w/ some other guy co-workers and she made a smart a$$ remark about H. Instead of H just letting it go he grabbed her around the waist (which he realizes a little too late he shouldn't have). She immediately went to HR and the next day H was fired. He admitted his relationship w/ the exOW and felt she turned him in to get him fired b/c she thought he was trying to get her fired (which he wasn't). H hired a lawyer and his lawyer agreed it sounded like horseplay, not sexual harrassment. If you feel he is not respecting you as a co-worker you can get him fired, if that is what you want. Just remember though, he does have a W and kids (if he has kids) to support and if you get him fired it will hurt his children. My H has had a couple jobs since he got fired but neither one of them came even close to the pay he wasn't getting b4 so now we are struggeling financially. It has hurt our children extremely hard b/c we can't do half the things we use to do.
cherrie498 Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 mopar crazy: that isnt quite fair. your H had the A! So to blame the OW in your current financial difficulties isnt quite fair! Your H was the one committed, just as it is Marielle's MM that is committed. so as far as Marielle goes she needs to worry about herself NOT the children he has or the W...ALL HIS RESPONSIBILITY!!!!!
mopar crazy Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 mopar crazy: that isnt quite fair. your H had the A! So to blame the OW in your current financial difficulties isnt quite fair! Your H was the one committed, just as it is Marielle's MM that is committed. so as far as Marielle goes she needs to worry about herself NOT the children he has or the W...ALL HIS RESPONSIBILITY!!!!! Here we go, another OW who is going to say it's never the OW fault for the A but always the MM. I was the OW to a man in a CR so I know what it's like on both sides of the fence. As for my H and the exOW. She persued him for three years. When we were having M problems and he filed for a D she was right there comforting him, telling him what he wanted to hear, blah, blah, blah. She knew he was having second thoughts about the D but she continued to be involved w/ him. I told her I didn't give a s*** what happened between them after our M was over but until H knew what he wanted to stay away from him, she didn't. She told me they were just friends and even had the nerve to tell me she would talk to H about not filing for a D and working on our M. What a lying piece of work. For years she tried being my friend when all she wanted was to get close to me b/c of my H. She was very manipulative. Even her own mil said she was. I do blame the exow and H for the A and believe me, he got my wrath A LOT more than the exOW did. She continued to go to his house, call him on his cell and home phone even after he told her to stop. One time she answered and asked if it was me? She had some nerve calling him again. It was very childish of her to get H fired for something like that. No, he shouldn't of touched her, but she shouldn't of been saying some smart a$$ comment about him to their co-workers either. If anyone should of been fired it should of been the both of them for their A. But no, she came out of it smelling like a rose. The next day I heard she was bawling b/c she got H fired. As for putting us in financial strain, yea, it was the exOW fault. She was the one that turned him in for something so stupid, and harmless. She should of been fired a long time ago for sexual harrassments. She was constantly touch other men's legs and even grabbed one guys crotch at work. They should of turned her ass into HR but they didn't. Guys aren't out to get ppl like some women are. She was upset H broke it off w/ her so why not get him fired as back back? I know this exOW, have for years, so plz don't tell me I shouldn't blame her for our financial problems right now. She was one that got him fired b/c of her selfishness. Another thing, I agree that M should look out for herself and if this MM is not treating her w/ professionalism she should talk to the HR dept about it. However, that is what you get when you mess around w/ a MM that ya work w/. They are both to blame for their A. We all have choices to make in our life. We can either choose to get involved w/a MM who persues us, or we can turn them away. Life is about choices, we all have them.
sugar-rae Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 Another thing, I agree that M should look out for herself and if this MM is not treating her w/ professionalism she should talk to the HR dept about it. However, that is what you get when you mess around w/ a MM that ya work w/. They are both to blame for their A. We all have choices to make in our life. We can either choose to get involved w/a MM who persues us, or we can turn them away. Life is about choices, we all have them. YEP! Can't argue with logic!
newbby Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 MOPAR CRAZY life is about choices, but most people come from a more emotional place, when they are not happy, they make poor choices. theres no point in trying to work on the choices, better to work on the needs that lead to bad choices in the first place. as for your h's ow, i dont know her and cannot say. however, i do know that some mm, do pursue the ow ALOT, and lie to them to get them to have an a or continue an a, in these cases, i can understand the ow being angry enough to get the mm fired in a moment of rashness. i dont think it is right, but ,i can understand it. my xmm fed me all kinds of rubbish to get me to have an a with him, and whilst facts are facts, i was emotionally vulnerable and needy enough to fall for it, he knew this too and played on it. he may have been coming from a vulnerable place himself, but, so was i, and he was the one who lied. everybody wants to feel loved and sometimes people fall for lies when they are vulnerable. i think its quite understandable they might feel a bit angry when they realise someone has used their neediness for their own greedy gains. i say this because although the mm, might be feeling needy too, they are usually (in my experience and from reading stories here) in a much better place than the ow. some of them even have happy marriages. judging every experience from your own is not neccesarily a good idea. i am sure there ARE some ow who do pursue the mm, but, more often than not, it is not the case.
sugar-rae Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 judging every experience from your own is not neccesarily a good idea. i am sure there ARE some ow who do pursue the mm, but, more often than not, it is not the case. Well, here's one more up on the statistic on that statement, because the exOW from my H's A WAS the one who pursued him. She is the one who asked him to come over to her house! It was his dumba$$-ness that had him go over to her brothel, but she asked him, not him asking "can I come over?" there may be some ow who don't "start the ball rolling" but I can promise you there's just as many affairs started because of the ow as the mm.
newbby Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 sugar-rae, i was defending the accusation made that yet another ow blames the mm for the affair. most likely the ow that blame the mm are those that got lied to and heavily pursued by a mm, just as most likely the bs who think the ow pursues the mm are those whose husbands were pursued by the ow. i would like to add though, that since your husbands were quite capable of lying throughout the entire affair, chances are they will lie afterwards too.
mopar crazy Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 sugar-rae, i was defending the accusation made that yet another ow blames the mm for the affair. most likely the ow that blame the mm are those that got lied to and heavily pursued by a mm, just as most likely the bs who think the ow pursues the mm are those whose husbands were pursued by the ow. i would like to add though, that since your husbands were quite capable of lying throughout the entire affair, chances are they will lie afterwards too. I can't speak for SR, but I do know that my H lied through his teeth, and so did the exOW, about their A. I knew H was lying, knew the exOW was lying. I don't know why H lied to me, to this day I still don't. Did he lie to me to protect my feelings, did he lie to me b/c he thought I would try to hurt him back, did he lie to me b/c he was ashamed of what he was doing? I really don't know. I know he is no longer involved w/ the exOW so I have no concerns about that. As for him lying now, there is nothing for him to lie about, that I can think of.
newbby Posted October 9, 2005 Posted October 9, 2005 i should imagine he lied to you because when it came down to it, he did not want to lose you. he probably gave you the truth in as little doses as he could to keep you from leaving him. maybe he isnt lying to you now. alot do though. alot of mm pursue the ow relentlessly and when their wives find out about it they turn it all around to make it look as though the ow was pursuing them and they fell for it because it boosted their ego. they say they never promised the ow anything and that the ow read things into what they said. i have heard it happen so many times. i cant say that i would be honest to the wife either if she were to come and confront me. this is because i know that i would be made to be the bad guy and she would never believe me if i told her all the things he actually said to me. it is also because i wouldnt want to have to hurt her with all the things he told me either. it may sound strange now to be concerned about her feelings, but, when it began, i was told that they had seperate lives. he did leave and when he went back he told me that they had decided to live together just for the sake of finances and the children but had agreed to live separate lives. i know it sounds unbelievable now that i fell for those lies, but, i did. i dont know why, maybe i was desperate to believe them.
RecordProducer Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Okay, can you guys quit the dead race about how much guilty the OW is? Marielle, who broke up, you or him? Why do you want to scare him? If you wanted him to divorce his wife and he didn't so you (or he) broke up and he treats you in a civilized way, I don't see why you would want to punish him. Just because you're hurt doesn't mean that he has to pay for it. You loved him, he loved you, it ended. It happens every day to somebody. When my ex-husband left me, I couldn't do NC cuz he was seeing the kids every day. I was full of anger and rage, I fantasized about him feeling the same emotional pain, but I didn't do anything about it and am very glad because of that. You'll get over even though you have to see him every day at work. After all, you were a big girl when you decided to hook up with a MM and your manager. He didn't promise you on the first date that he will marry you so you knew that this might happen some day. Just relax and move on.
jaye Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Okay, can you guys quit the dead race about how much guilty the OW is? Marielle, who broke up, you or him? Why do you want to scare him? If you wanted him to divorce his wife and he didn't so you (or he) broke up and he treats you in a civilized way, I don't see why you would want to punish him. Just because you're hurt doesn't mean that he has to pay for it. You loved him, he loved you, it ended. It happens every day to somebody. Yeah WTF?.......
mopar crazy Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 Okay, can you guys quit the dead race about how much guilty the OW is? RP, I'm done w/ the "dead race" about how guilty the OW is. I just know the situation I was in, that is all.
RecordProducer Posted October 10, 2005 Posted October 10, 2005 RP, I'm done w/ the "dead race" about how guilty the OW is. I just know the situation I was in, that is all. It's not your side, it's rather the OW's story that is kinda annoying, IMHO. We all feel for the betrayed wives and we want to see the OW as a victim too, but the fact is she knew he was married, she created the situation together with him. I won't buy the "he told me he wasn't married" excuse. I was 19 y.o. and very naive when a guy didn't tell me he was married; then he told me he was divorcing her, I believed him and slept with him. I was falling for this guy when I discovered that he was bullsh*tting me about a few things. That was enough for me after only 2-3 weeks to dump him. I am not saying that all OW are unscrupulous homewrackers, but at least admit that you participated in an action that hurt another woman (and possibly her children) while she (the wife) did nothing wrong to you. A woman that accepts to live in polygamy obviously takes more responsibility than the one who is put in that situation without her knowledge. However I don't think that the OW is necessarily selfish in her attempt to conquer another woman's territory; I believe it's rather a matter of low self-esteem and lack of self-respect. After you've become addicted and end up hurt, it's easy to say "I am a victim." But why did you get involved in the first place?
mopar crazy Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 It's not your side, it's rather the OW's story that is kinda annoying, IMHO. We all feel for the betrayed wives and we want to see the OW as a victim too, but the fact is she knew he was married, she created the situation together with him. I won't buy the "he told me he wasn't married" excuse. I was 19 y.o. and very naive when a guy didn't tell me he was married; then he told me he was divorcing her, I believed him and slept with him. I was falling for this guy when I discovered that he was bullsh*tting me about a few things. That was enough for me after only 2-3 weeks to dump him. I am not saying that all OW are unscrupulous homewrackers, but at least admit that you participated in an action that hurt another woman (and possibly her children) while she (the wife) did nothing wrong to you. A woman that accepts to live in polygamy obviously takes more responsibility than the one who is put in that situation without her knowledge. However I don't think that the OW is necessarily selfish in her attempt to conquer another woman's territory; I believe it's rather a matter of low self-esteem and lack of self-respect. After you've become addicted and end up hurt, it's easy to say "I am a victim." But why did you get involved in the first place? I agree RP, and I realize that not every situation is the same as mine so maybe I just need to stop putting my situation in these OW threads. I rememeber when I was 19 also and I met this gorgeous man. We ended up talking for a long time and I was really attracted to him. We shared a kiss (him making the first move). I invited him up to a party my roommate and I were having. He showed up and a friend of mine told me he was looking for me but she knew him (from her hometown) and said he was M. My stomach sank then I got really pi$$ed. I went out to the hallway where he was waiting for me and yelled at him about being M and to get the he!! out of my house. He looked hurt, disappointed, but he left. I wish he wasn't M, but there was no way I was going to get involved w/ a MM no matter how attracted he was.
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