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my ex-boyfriend acts like I was the one who finished with him??

haaaaaap

By haaaaaap
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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haaaaaap Member

haaaaaap

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My ex-boyfriend is a lovely guy. Very sensitive and shy, but also suffers from really low self-esteem and insecurities. He has bad mental health, depression and has gone through some pretty s***ty things (e.g. racist abuse/neglectful parents etc). Whenever we argued he thought I was criticizing him, after two arguments in the whole relationship he broke up with me, this was about three months ago.

After we broke up we remained quite friendly, texting and having very long Skype calls (for like 8 hours a time). But, I was finding it hard, and sometimes he was really distant and took days to reply, so I went NC.

Eventually at the start of the month we started talking a bit again. We met up over the weekend. Acted like a couple. He told me:

  • He found it difficult to reply to my texts after the breakup as he would go to work, come home and get into bed to sleep, for like a month, because he felt too low to interact

  • He did not see his friends for three weeks after the breakup, and his family had a welfare call to his house.

  • He stopped doing his hobby (exercise-based) which was good for his mental health.

  • He started smoking weed daily after the breakup

  • He started smoking cigarettes (he has asthma and heart problems)

  • He panicked when I didn't reply to his texts, and then he had to restrain himself from sending me messages.

  • He said everything reminded him of me

  • He said he had panic attacks everyday that I had met someone else, and that it would destroy him

  • He said that if we didn't live so far away from each other, things might be different

  • He is terrified that if we get back together, then the uncertainty that came from the arguments would come again, and that it would go back to day one after the breakup and it would kill him.

  • He told me he didn't want to lose me, that he would never find anyone like me.

  • He was uploading pictures I took of him on our dates saying "I don't know what I miss about summer more" in the last few weeks

So I stayed at his at the weekend, and we ended up talking for hours and hours about us and the relationship. He said it was circumstances - stress and distance between where we live - and that he did not have one bad thing to say about the relationship. He said we will meet up again. After he took me home, he uploaded a Instagram story, of him walking in the dark, with the song Happier by Ed Sheeran (which, if you look at the lyrics is probably aimed at me?)

I am really confused. I miss him, I told him I loved him at the weekend. I have never been nasty to him. I think I have made it clear that I would still give our relationship another shot. Why does he act like I finished with him?

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

The real question is why would you hang on to this crazy relationship. He sounds non-functional and like a huge mess of a person. 

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

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He has shown and told you repeatedly that he is 1) not interested in a relationship with you specifically and/or 2) not even capable of sustaining a healthy, long-term relationship because of his issues. The longer you are in denial about this, the longer it's going to take you to heal and move on with your life. What's likely to happen is you are going to keep beating a dead horse, he will sooner or later get tired of being hounded for a relationship and he will cut you off entirely and permanently.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

^ Or worse, just let her keep running on the wheel and getting nowhere.

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haaaaaap Member

haaaaaap

Posted
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Posted
7 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

He has shown and told you repeatedly that he is 1) not interested in a relationship with you specifically and/or 2) not even capable of sustaining a healthy, long-term relationship because of his issues. The longer you are in denial about this, the longer it's going to take you to heal and move on with your life. What's likely to happen is you are going to keep beating a dead horse, he will sooner or later get tired of being hounded for a relationship and he will cut you off entirely and permanently.


Thanks for your opinion. Why do you think I am "hounding him for a relationship"? He's the one who said all those things, he's the one who wanted to keep contact... Fair enough if I am flogging a dead horse, but I don't think I am hounding. 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
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This man is not emotionally available.  The idea that you would still want to date such a broken unsuitable person makes me wonder about you.  Surely you can do better.  This guy has a lot of work to do on himself before he can be a BF. Stop talking to him & go find a healthy happy guy to date.  

  • Thanks 1
schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

Posted
Posted

Are you trying to save him? It seems to me like you are. If you are in love, I guess that provides the motivation, but a healthy love relationship is a two way street and his street only travels one way. Have any of your previous relationships been like this where you put out 90 percent of the effort?

 

I wish you well.

 

  • Like 1
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
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You have got to see this person for who he is. I don't care that he's needy. That's not enough to base a relationship on. He's needy because he's self-destructing on nearly every level. 

 

You can't fix him. It's above your paygrade. And if you stay with someone this messed up, then you are just as messed up in a different way and need to get into counseling.

  • Like 2
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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Why would you want to attach yourself to this person?

 

This isn’t going to be your Happily Ever After. You need to move on from him. 

 

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
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Don't take men on as projects.  It involves a ton of mental and emotional gymnastics.  Find yourself a guy who is already complete/doesn't need to be built.  Frankenstein tried to build a man and it didn't go well.  His creation walked around like a man, but it wasn't pretty. 

 

Apart from that, this guy isn't acting like you broke up with him.  He's acting like a guy who isn't sure he made the right decision yet and is playing on your heart strings to keep you on the back burner until he finds someone he really wants to be with.  Don't have sex with him anymore if you are.  But, it's hard to break up no matter if you are the dumpee or the dumper.  The dumper goes through some grieving as well usually. 

Edited by Redhead14
  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

He isn't acting like you finished with him.    People who end a relationship can also grieve for what was/could have been.  But grieving for the relationship doesn't mean that they will or should return.  

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

It sounds like he is suffering from separation anxiety.  It is not your fault and not your problem.  It would be best for you if you kept him at a distance - he is not hanging around to help you, only himself.

 

You sound very patient with him, considering he has hurt you.  He is likely to carry on trying to rope you in and then kick you away again.  You deserve so much better.  He does not want to rekindle a committed relationship, he only wants to know you are there in the background like mum in the kitchen.  Please take care of yourself and kick him out of your life because he will only drag you into a hellish mess of a push/pull non-relationship.

 

You are a decent caring woman.  There will be a guy out there for you once you realise you are worth it.

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