Painwraith Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Hello all I am new here, I have been reading the material off this site for a while now in order to cope with my situation. it has for the most part worked well but now I am in a state where I need to get things off my chest and I think the best way is to post my story here. I am a 27 Year old man who lives in south east england. I have a very good job and a slowly declining friend list (many have gotten married and are beginning to move on now, as is the natural order of things) When I was twenty I met a girl from south africa, she was young vibrant and nice. I loved her from the first moment I met her, its an odd feeling love at first sight but I can honestly say I did. she was and still is kind, considerate caring, pretty as hell and is amazingly considerate and adventurous in the sack, though has a mean and flaring temper when riled, though quick to cool down, she can be amazingly indecisive and has trouble making decisions in case they turn out wrong. However she began dating a friend of mine so I left it, their was always a sort of thing going on (no cheating or sex or anything just a sense of belonging) when their relationship ended we sort of had a thing for two weeks, I was happy as larry until she split with me stating that she didnt want to go out with anyone, two days later she was back with my friend and it lasted a further two or three weeks, I was pretty upset but got over it. when she split with him the second time within a month she went out with someone else from a social group that both of us had just gotten involved in. It lasted about a year and a half before she split with him, had two weeks or so going back out with him and then splitting. toward the end of their relationship she surprised me one new years by getting off with me. She then had a very short month or two relationship with a guy she met online (a weirdo) and was single again. in due time she came to me and we began going out, the first time had been a long time before and she was young at the time so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I took her through university, gave her a lovely flat, and ensured that she had everything she needed, the sex was good, very good, though she wanted it more often (three times a day initially she wanted... gods id die....) but three to four times a week was normal. Our relationship lasted 3 years (finishing in april this year) we had great times and we had bad times but we always got over them, and managed to sort things out on the whole their where a few outstanding gripes but nothing time wouldnt sort out, I was even going to propose to her. she once in our relationship got off with someone else and in the last days of our relationship in april I found out she was carrying on an emotional relationship online with someone (never try to keep the truth from a man who is an IT security guy, I have been trained to see things people hide and know what to look for). when we broke up it was over her having a online relation with a belgian guy, who I actually spoke to once and found to be a lunatic (again google is a powerful tool for looking up on people). I was destraught and nearly had a breakdown, I loved her so much and she had betrayed me. she blamed me for the breakup because I didnt pay her enough attention, she never once thought what she was doing was wrong... I could have paid her a bit more but I felt i was a great guy with a lot to offer a woman, I always treated her very well in my view. At the time she lived with me, and I didnt kick her out there and then (though sometimes I wish I had), she bought a webcam and spent long long hours talking to him initially lying and saying he was just a friend, though I saw some of what she was talking to him about because our computers were close together. I also recieved a few emails from friends about one of those 'get to know you better' email quizzes you send to friends, bitching about me and telling everyone about her most favoruite guy in the world in belgium and how she wanted to be there, etc, etc. I pulled her up on it and she cried all night, we sort of came to a standstill then and nothing more could be done or said. she still said she loved me... I told her she had a month, and by the end of it she was gone, her own flat, small and too expensive for what it was. I still lived in our flat, lonely and in a bad way. on the day she left with her stuff I sobbed and was very depressed. not long after she moved out things fell apart with her and this belgian, I never found out why but before long she was asking for me back. I was very unsure, I loved her in one hand and felt totally betrayed in the other. unfortunately we did end up sleeping together again a few times, I still wouldnt commit because she hadnt changed and I was frightened of being hurt again, my main fear was if it happened again I wouldnt be able to cope, and this time fall over the edge of a nervous breakdown, I barely missed doing that the first time. It ended up with me telling her no and after a long painful conversation where she refused to let me go (physically) I left. I felt terrible but I couldnt have someone doing that it was wrong for them and me. I loved her bitterly and she still loved me I think... then something I hadnt seen coming happened I met another girl who seemed nice, I was a little weak at the time because of all the events but I began a new relationship, it lasted a month, she turned out to be very wrong for me, also had a nasty temper and would spend hours having a screaming fit at me. so I nipped it in the bud and let go of her, I still had feelings for my longterm relationship and wasnt doing the right thing by the new girlfriend or me. she ended up physically assulting me when I broke with her, and I havent heard from her since (thankfully, I dont like violence). in the middle of this short relationship my long term ex found out about my new girlfriend and tried to commit suicide, sending me all the suicide notes and I had to organise her family to go round and find her. she had taken 12 neurofen and some herbal sleeping pills, it had knocked her out but not killed her ( I dont think that could kill her to be honest). she was embarresed about the situation and seemed to change back to the girl I first met in the pub... six months had gone by since we had split up and we had still talked so I spoke to my ex longterm girlfriend about the issues, telling her I loved her still and I wanted to see if we could give it another go, she quite rightly said that she would need to think about it, she had started casually seeing another bloke from the net who seemed like a nice fella if a bit troubled from events in his past. she said she couldnt decide... I stayed over a few nights and she stayed at mine a few, no sex or anything like that but it was comforting, still saying she needed time to think. after two weeks I said to her to make a decision, me or him. before she had him come down to see her. I thought that was reasonable. I just wanted a reasonable answer to my question. she couldnt give me a good answer, still saying she couldnt decide. then two days ago I found out she had organised him to come down this week...... I was devastated. I felt she had played me as a fool and was keeping me in backup.... I reacted badly, had a massive fight with her over it, she didnt see anything she had done was wrong. I did I felt treated unfairly again. she had obviously made her decision.... Now its tuesday, I feel a bit lost and a bit down, I have sort of cleared the air with her though am very troubled that she is with him now... I just dont know what to do and need some advice. so thats my story, anyone with advice please feel free...
Faithful Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 From everything you've shared, it's very apparent that she has many issues. You've been in this mess for how long?! You need to free yourself, man. There's a breaking point in everyone's life, where you just can't take anymore. Yet some of us seem to push ourselves to that breaking point and by then we're so deep that we can't seem to pull ourselves up anymore. We persistently try to "work things out" and even take drastic measures to do so. You need to get out while you still can, and it seems that now, in this time of seeing that she doesn't really love you alone, it's the opportune time. The fact of the matter is, you need to let her go. Head straight into NC. You don't need to talk to her anymore - you have to stop. As a Christian, and having been in a situation similar to yours (although not quite as extreme) you need to let her go, both for your sake and hers. She's been unfair to you, and you need to remove yourself from her life. Remove her from yours. Come to terms with the fact that she's not the person you thought she was or wanted her to be. It's extremely hard...believe me, I know...but until you accept it you won't be able to move on. And that's exactly what you need to do. I'll be sure to keep you in my prayers. To get through this you'll need to be strong. Turn to God to give you strength. He'll provide. Take care.
Author Painwraith Posted October 5, 2005 Author Posted October 5, 2005 Thank you I was beginning to think I was a lost cause... I do need to let go, but I cant seem to at the moment. I need and have to let go. but although I want to something inside me isnt letting me....
bendit Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 PM if you would like a more specific resource of people who can help you through this PARTICULAR relationship which is not common btw. This woman is trouble for you sir and the sooner you recognize it the better. You have to disengage ASAP and that means 100%. This woman will cause many many hardships for you. I suggest you start the no contact right away so that you can start to heal from this roller coaster of a relationship. good luck regards Mike
Author Painwraith Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 I can seem to PM you it wont let nme, send me an email to [email protected] cheers mate
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