I’m catching feelings and It’s scary. Advice?

[mayonnaise]

Hi. I’ve been single for 2 years and a month now. I’ve been dating a lot and had a few flings and some of it were intense but I was always trying to control my feelings. I’ve been so scared to fall inlove again after my last ex cheated on me. It was kind of a relationship wherein I felt like I found my soulmate, the one wherein you have a bestfriend and lover at the same time, but no, he ended up cheating on me anyway after 3 1/2 years. Ever since, I promised myself I wouldn’t settle down until I find someone worth it again. Someone who I can consider as my equal, a bestfriend and a lover.

 

I’ve been dating a lot since then and always tried to control myself. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I leave before it all starts to get too intense or too much. I know I hurt a few along the way, but I was so guarded. Until now. I’m currently dating and at first, it was the same old me when entering new dating scenes. I just made sure I’m enjoying my time and tried to control myself. This guy gave me a type of connection I haven’t seen since my ex boyfriend. At first, I just went with the flow. But then now, it all seems so real, so scary. He lets me be myself and I think I found someone who treats me as an equal. We’ve been going out for almost 3 months now but I feel like I’ve known him forever. Everytime we go out, I feel like I’m with a best friend. Also, I love the fact that he’s taking things slow.

 

I feel so scared right now because it reminds me so much of the time I was with my ex. Not in a way that I know he might cheat on me anytime soon, but because it all feels so great and I think I found someone who’s finally worth it. But maybe I’m too scared because how it might all end. I’m not too sure if I’m ready to go through all of that again. Now I’m confused if I should take this risk or leave before it all goes wrong again.

 

i guess the advice I’m looking for here is what could be signs that I should go on or not? Or I guess I just need a little comfort here. I hate how this all feels. No rude comments please. I’m typing it all here because I need some place to vent out. The LS community has always been helpful to me. It’s been so long since. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I think the best way to prepare for potential heartbreak in life is to be strong and solid on your own.

 

Myself, I'm in a wonderful new relationship. I expressed to my man the other night that now I worry about him a little, for example when he goes running downtown at night, because being with him enhances my life so much that now I have something to lose and I know that would be very painful. But I've been OK on my own, thriving even, and I know I can and would again in any scenario.

 

That's the nature of having wonderful things in your life - the more you have, the more you stand to lose.

 

But I believe that what we focus on tends to come to be. Therefore, try to shift your focus away from the potential bad future scenarios, and toward the potential future good scenarios. Our minds are powerful transmitters, so think positive and put out there thoughts of all the good things you want. 

[Silver_star]

 I am excited for you reading this post. I am hopeful that I will get there again one day with someone else.

You have finally got to a place where your heart is ready and is forming an attachment again to someone new, which is not so easy after heartbreak.

What you are feeling is very normal. I get your reservations about falling too quickly, or getting too deep before you know he is also invested.  It is scary to grow attached to something that we can lose. You can never guarantee that someone you love and trust will betray you at some point down the line, you just can't know for sure 100%, but you can choose to form a new bond with someone who seems to have the qualities you are seeking and that make you happy to be in love again, you can choose to trust them, and you have to set boundaries and expectations of getting the same in return.

 

It seems like he is invested enough/interested enough to spend 3 months getting to know you and forming strong connections "taking it slow"... I think now that you have been dating for 3 months and you can sense yourself forming an intention to be with him longer term (developing deeper feelings), it is time to have that conversation with him about where he is at and what his intentions are for a relationship with you. It is not too soon to ask because you are feeling it now, and you deserve to know. You can say "Look I really like you and I feel a strong connection here, and what I am looking for and want is a committed relationship, and we have spent alot of time getting to know each other and I want to continue only seeing you and building something here..but before that happens I want to know if you are looking for the same thing, or where you are at with us before I invest any further".    

 

 

14 hours ago, mayonnaise said:

and always tried to control myself. I didn’t want to get hurt again. I leave before it all starts to get too intense or too much. I know I hurt a few along the way, but I was so guarded. Until now. I’m currently dating and at first, it was the same old me when entering new dating scenes. I just made sure I’m enjoying my time and tried to control myself. This guy gave me a type of connection I haven’t seen since my

 

[BC1980]

The truth is that anyone can leave you at any time. No matter how difficult that is to accept, it's the reality of all relationships. So the question is: how do you invest in a relationship if you know that the other person could leave in 1 year, 5 years, 10 years? 

My best advice is to live in the present. You can't worry about what might or might not happen tomorrow or 30 years from now. I read some really good advice on social media from a person who had a child with cancer. She said that if and when her child died, she would have time to mourn then. But she wouldn't mourn the fact that she might die because it took her away from precious time in the present. This advice can be applied to relationships and daily life.

[smackie9]

How you are feeling is normal for someone who is falling in love. Scared, uncertain, jealous, paranoid, etc. All normal. It's just part of the journey.

Edited December 18, 2019 by smackie9

[Lotsgoingon]

You're only three months in. The obvious question is: Why SHOULD you feel this relationship will last? How can you possibly know this relationship is worth lasting?  You barely know the person and you're already worried about abandonment.

 

When you get lost in fear of abandonment, then you're off track. You will people please, you will hide, you'll cover all your rough edges ... you'll not disagree, you'll hide opinions and feelings and ideas ... You'll focus too much on the other person, in a misguided attempt to keep them happy. Well, we actually cannot make another person happy. We can be ourselves and if the other person likes us, then we can try out a relationship. But three months in, you don't really know him. 

 

Really success in this one relationship should not be your life focus and mission. 

 

I'm going to guess that you do a lot of worrying and hiding and covering when you're with this guy and probably with the previous guy who broke your heart.  When you step timidly (worrying about the other person all the time) your vitality as a real person, will get thwarted.  People pick up the "neediness." 

 

Analogy .... You've heard that saying ...  Heck, I've had women say this to me ...  If you just want to have sex with me, then I wish you would just say that. Then I know what the choice is ... But if you pretend you're seriously interested in me, things get confusing. 

 

The principle here is that if someone just comes out and says I wanna have sex, at least the other person sees a real individual there. They know what they're dealing with. When you hide, other people don't know what they're dealing with. They sense something is missing. You come off as flat, empty--at worse, you come off as scary because the other person really doesn't know (senses this) who they are really dealing with. 

 

Time for you to get real about why the heartbreak relationship ended. No, the ending did NOT come out of nowhere. Yes, felt that way at the moment. But ... with a little time, you certainly can look back and see the signs, the cracks in the relationship. What were the problems in that relationships? What were the signs, the cracks, the red flags that you missed? Part of what empowers people to go on in dating is knowing they will notice problems. They have confidence to date ... because they know they can slow down, hit pause, stop, ask questions, notice red flags, attempt to work through disagreements, and on on and on. Without this awareness and consciousness, then you are acting like a helpless kid dependent on mommy. 

 

If your answer to why the heartbreak relationship ended is: I was abandoned out of nowhere for no reason, then you have work and reflecting to do. Even if we do not LIKE the reasons, there are reasons someone dumps us. Knowing those reasons (even based on our own analysis and not talking to the ex) can be liberating.

 

So why did the heartbreak relationship end? What did you learn from that experience?  You'll be scared as long as you have NO explanation of why the previous thing ended. Why did it end? And what was your part in the ending?

 

 

[mayonnaise]

I’m sorry for the very late response but wow! The LoveShack Community still hasn’t changed at all. You all still make me feel I’m not alone in whatever I’m going through. Thank you so much for your advice. Since this post, I’ve been going with the flow and just tried to get to know him more and see what his intentions are. That way, I would be less insecure in a way. Thank you all very much!

[mayonnaise]

So, I know things have been really going well with the both of us. We always enjoyed each other’s company, and communication is great. He even introduced me to his friends already, which is nice. But still, we haven’t really taken things on a long term relationship level. We’re still trying to get to know more and more about each other. I just leaned back and see how he tries to “pursue” me and lately I haven’t been too anxious about where this is going.

However, I’ve had a little crazy me moment just recently again.

So there was once when we talked about our past relationships. He started becoming more and more open to me in a way. He told me he stopped talking to his ex gf and, I asked him if ever there’s a chance, would he still try again? And he said, “there’s no point because it won’t work anymore.” But the thing is he never said no, so I just let it pass. 
 

however, someone told me that days ago he contacted his ex on her birthday and although I know it shouldn’t matter much and that maybe I should trust what he said... but The thing is that this someone who told me said the ex said he wants to talk to her sometime. So Should i take this as a red flag? Should I ask him if I could find a timing? I hate this uncertainty. I mean, I guess it’s better to dodge the bullet while it’s still early right?

your responses are well appreciated. 

[Piddy]

Not a good sign contacting the ex IMO.  If he is really developing feelings for you, then he'd have no reason to contact his ex.  Now that said, I have a cousin who has remained friends with a couple of his ex girlfriends decades later.  So nothing is etched in stone.  

Also, 3 months in and you should be just exiting the Velcro stage (cloud 9) where the brain chemicals are coming down and you're looking at each other in real terms.  This is when you really start to get to know each other.

So yes him contacting his ex could definitely be a red flag.  Go with your gut here about confronting him, but you have reason to be concerned.  

Edited December 31, 2019 by Piddy

[BC1980]

How long ago did he date his ex? 

[Lotsgoingon]

You have no duty to believe someone when you get evidence contradicting them from a source you trust. A good relationship doesn't depend on "believing" someone. A good relationship can withstand critical scrutiny. 

I've dated women who would get in my face with information like this ... "I heard you talked to so and so. You said you weren't talking?!" ... I gotta tell you ... people who did that really gained my respect ... and scared me out of hiding and misleading ...

You worry about abandonment. Well here's your pattern right here: you are getting information that says bf is lying to you ... and you're closing your eyes and pretending that information doesn't exist.  You have already abandoned yourself here. By letting him get away with this, you give him permission to be distant ... and to his thing without any worry about you. In other words, you are encouraging his abandonment.

I think you're missing the emotional component to abandonment. People often disconnect emotionally (not telling truth to partner--withholding key info from partner) ... then break up and disconnect physically. 

Time to wake up!