Madd_hatter Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 So it wasn’t really a breakup. We weren’t together. We slept together once a year and a half ago, but I’ve known him almost half my life. I’ve been crazy about him from the minute I met but he never felt the same. We slept together and he mangled my heart by getting engaged, married, pregnant and moving away all in less than 2 years. But this isn’t about him. I think I want to start dating. But I don’t know if I’m ready yet. It’s been a year and a half..maybe more, and I know I want to meet someone but whenever I do, I sabotage it before it even gets off the ground. So what do you guys think? Is the best way to get over someone to get under someone else? lol
nospam99 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 OP/MH, a lot of people here know who you are. You're going to get lots of 'suggestions'. Mine is if that other guy who was interested in you a few months ago is still interested, date him. You don't need to be serious about it as a 'relationship'. Just go out, spend time together, have fun ... 'good clean fun' or 'hot monkey sex' fun, whichever you prefer. It's a way to get 'restarted'. 1
FMW Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I think you should definitely get out and meet other guys. Don't jump into immediate sex though, it will only confuse things and maybe make you feel worse. Keep an open mind and be positive in your interactions. Good luck! 1
Piddy Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Madd_hatter said: So it wasn’t really a breakup. We weren’t together. We slept together once a year and a half ago, but I’ve known him almost half my life. I’ve been crazy about him from the minute I met but he never felt the same. We slept together and he mangled my heart by getting engaged, married, pregnant and moving away all in less than 2 years. But this isn’t about him. I think I want to start dating. But I don’t know if I’m ready yet. It’s been a year and a half..maybe more, and I know I want to meet someone but whenever I do, I sabotage it before it even gets off the ground. So what do you guys think? Is the best way to get over someone to get under someone else? lol In your case? Yup. That's what I did a long time ago. I had a bad breakup and had a one night stand two months later and was in another relationship a month after that. Best thing I ever did. You need to experience being attracted to someone else. Your brain needs to be allowed to be reprogrammed to being with someone else romantically. You need to start burying the feelings for your old flame. The only way to do that is start creating new feelings and life experiences with new love interests. As far as sabotaging a new relationship. That's something you need to be consciously aware of and make sure you don't act on it. You'll probably get other advice, but all I can tell you is what worked for me. After my bad breakup I had two long term relationships that ended amicably, two one night stands and several dates. It took two years post bad breakup, but I never got discouraged and I finally met the one for me. We've been together 41 years now. You'll always have a thing for your old flame, but it will be in your subconscious and you won't know it's there, unless you do something stupid like I did 40 years later and look them up. But that's another story. Good Luck, you can do it if you REALLY want to. Edited December 17, 2019 by Piddy 1 1
Foxhall Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Yes get back out there again, there is always someone better out there than the one we missed out on or something better ahead than the opportunity we missed, 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 1 hour ago, Madd_hatter said: So what do you guys think? Is the best way to get over someone to get under someone else? That actually happened to me (many years ago)... Out of the blue, I get a call from an ex-girlfriend (it was a mutual breakup). She was very upset, her current boyfriend had dumped her and said a lot of mean things in the process. She said she felt "ugly". She invited me over for sex. I said... "Yes!! just give me enough time to shower and drive over there." The next morning... those were her exact words, "the best way to get over a guy was to get under another one". She told me that I made her feel "pretty".
mayonnaise Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Yep, I suggest you date again. Go back out there, whether it’s to find someone else or make yourself better. It’s self-comforting to feel admired, and enjoying the fun of dating.
lana-banana Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Yes. Dating is like any other skill; it takes practice, repetition, and trial and error. It's much harder than unrequited love, which is just your brain and your imagination putting you through hell. Dating is about engaging with others and deciding whether you want to build something more from that engagement. Go out there, meet new people, let things happen. The best way to break old habits is to make new ones. You need to practice how it feels to go on dates, listen to new people, experience things with a new person, and so on. Don't worry about breaking hearts. You can go slowly. If the other guy gets too invested too quickly and you aren't feeling it, you can end things. It's only dishonest or leading someone on if you lie about your own feelings. Make it clear from the beginnjng that you want to go slowly and you should be OK. And if you do meet someone who makes you want to go all-in for real, then do it.
Legatus Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 11 hours ago, Madd_hatter said: So what do you guys think? Is the best way to get over someone to get under someone else? lol I would say yes but probably not so literally. Somebody mentioned that our brains need to be reprogrammed, which is totally true. When we're with somebody and get attached our brain is almost exclusively thinking about that person, processing the feelings we have for them. Then when it ends, I noticed it's not that I miss the person per se but the way it made me feel. That's where reprogramming comes in. Meeting new people proves to us that we can feel great again with somebody new, something that would seem very unlikely while we were still in the previous relationship. One thing I am cautious about is to get into a vicious circle here. Following this kind of advice all the time can create dependency. Every time something won't work out you'll be on a lookout to silence the thoughts and feelings of what you had. Of course after 1 year or more it's probably safe to do it but make sure you don't do it straight away and that you don't condition your recovery on a new person..
hercules22 Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 (edited) its somewhat true it can speed up you moving on from someone when there no other prospects i noticed it takes me longer to move on if i dont find more dating prospects while trying to move on from someone else Edited December 23, 2019 by hercules22
JTSW Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 You can't really spend your life crying over a guy you will never have. It's time to start living your life and enjoying what the world has to offer.
stillafool Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 What happened to the one guy you were dating a while ago?
Lotsgoingon Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 How do you know you've simply not met someone you're interested in? Assuming you are sabotaging relationships can is a leap. I've gone through phases where at some point, I wondered, what's wrong with me--I'm not meeting anyone I like. Then I meet someone I really like. What's the real evidence that you're sabotaging things?
scooby-philly Posted December 23, 2019 Posted December 23, 2019 OP/MH - I can relate to what you say. 4 months out of a heart wrenching break up - where we were in a relationship and she said she loved me and wanted a future with me, but she was immature, didn't have much dating experience, lives with a strict family, and doesn't know how to express her wants and needs, and her defense persona is the "nice girl" - so she never understood that she could hurt other people. So not quite the same experience as you, but I think we both need the same advice. You have to learn to value yourself. Saw a great quote online and keep coming back to it the past 4 months - "Sometimes love isn't enough"...Sometimes you have to realize that a relationship is two-sided and that you can love the other person, try hard, give them everything, but they're not ready for you, a relationship, the truth, etc. And that's where you need to talk with and hold your inner child's hand and let them know it's okay, you got this, and then move on! May hurt for a while, you may get frustrated at times by not "finding anyone", but you have to keep, keeping on, as they say. It's the only way to do justice to the love you did have and the love you obviously want to share with someone.
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