Is it "normal" to feel some apathy after a few months with a new partner?

[Feelingnumb628]

I've been seeing someone for a few months and it's been somewhat intense (at least for me).  He's talked about living with me and while I know folks in their older age don't want to fuss around much if they are looking for a serious relationship and also while I'm looking for the same thing it seems that once I'm involved, I become sort of numb to the whole thing.  While I care about the other person and want to spend time with them, I get really anxious and nervous about making a commitment. I admit to taking a peak at the dating websites but not reaching out to anyone else.  I've thought in the past maybe it's b/c I don't want to have and then lose the person (like my late partner) - it's a pain that I'm sure I can endure again but know that you need to take a chance for love.

Is this due to my anxiety b/c I do really care for my new partner and while I know he has some "faults", don't we all?

[2BGoodAgain]

hm.. it depends on what those faults are. some are okay, and others might be huge. it depends on the person perceiving it.

 

But on a diff note, have you wondered about this boredom/apathy that sets in once the relationship starts/or gets serious? It could either be that you may have some apprehension about serious relationships/commitments or you're more interested in the initial high of a relationship but not the lows that most relationships enter once the relationship has started?

[FMW]

Maybe it's your natural reaction, at least for now, when dating.  Or maybe it's just that you haven't found anyone - yet - who really keeps your interest going.  

 

I think talking about living together after only a few months of dating is way too soon.  That alone would make me want to distance myself.  

 

Don't let anyone rush you into more involvement than you are really feeling.  You can really enjoy his company and find him attractive, but that doesn't mean you're feeling what you need to fully partner with this guy.  And that certainly doesn't mean you have a problem.    

[Feelingnumb628]

The only other thing I can think of is that I'm concerned that we may not be as compatible as I first thought. Specifically, I want to travel but other than going to Florida for a few days in a few months to visit his friends and my family, when I bring up a bigger trip, he seems to hesitate.  And for Florida, so far I've paid the airfare (I have a companion pass but he should pay 1/2 and he hasn't offered to pay for a share of the hotel even though we are staying with his friends a few nights - he should pay 1/2 of the hotel the other nights in my opinion despite one of the reasons we are going to Florida is to attend an event in my family; he also has said many times he wants to move to Florida and he wants to use this trip to look around but he hasn't said anything about what he can afford or asked me what I can afford).

Travel is a passion of mine I've told him many times and I need a partner who is interested and available to do traveling. Also, I'm feeling uncertain about how he is with money - by that I mean, his willingness to share/contribute.  He always gives me a card when I see him on weekends and has occasionally brought store flowers as well as 2 pieces of very old jewelry (semi precious stones) from I don't know where, but definitely not my taste and I know he earns a decent living and has no kids, or ex to support anymore.  I feel like I'm paying for too many things sometimes including groceries on weekends. I mean early in the relationship if he can comfortably afford these things he should be more generous in my opinion.

Edited December 16, 2019 by Feelingnumb628

[2BGoodAgain]

33 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

Maybe it's your natural reaction, at least for now, when dating.  Or maybe it's just that you haven't found anyone - yet - who really keeps your interest going.  

 

I think talking about living together after only a few months of dating is way too soon.  That alone would make me want to distance myself.  

 

Don't let anyone rush you into more involvement than you are really feeling.  You can really enjoy his company and find him attractive, but that doesn't mean you're feeling what you need to fully partner with this guy.  And that certainly doesn't mean you have a problem.    

 

oh yeah, didn't see the 2 months... that's kinda quick too,  but has this apthy/boredom happened in prev relationships?

[FMW]

My first thought when I read he was talking about living together was that he was looking for someone to share expenses with.  Guys over 50 often do seem to be looking for "a nurse and a purse".  I've been amazed from my own experience and stories from my friends at how willing some men are to  have a woman pay their way (for the men out there that take exception to that - I don't like it when women are looking for a man to pay their way either).  

 

If traveling is a passion for you then it's reasonable to be concerned about his apparent lack of interest.

 

My suggestion would be if you are still enjoying seeing him, then just let him know you need to slow things down.  See how things go over the next few months.  

[ajequals]

30 minutes ago, Feelingnumb628 said:

The only other thing I can think of is that I'm concerned that we may not be as compatible as I first thought. Specifically, I want to travel but other than going to Florida for a few days in a few months to visit his friends and my family, when I bring up a bigger trip, he seems to hesitate.  And for Florida, so far I've paid the airfare (I have a companion pass but he should pay 1/2 and he hasn't offered to pay for a share of the hotel even though we are staying with his friends a few nights - he should pay 1/2 of the hotel the other nights in my opinion despite one of the reasons we are going to Florida is to attend an event in my family; he also has said many times he wants to move to Florida and he wants to use this trip to look around but he hasn't said anything about what he can afford or asked me what I can afford).

Travel is a passion of mine I've told him many times and I need a partner who is interested and available to do traveling. Also, I'm feeling uncertain about how he is with money - by that I mean, his willingness to share/contribute.  He always gives me a card when I see him on weekends and has occasionally brought store flowers as well as 2 pieces of very old jewelry (semi precious stones) from I don't know where, but definitely not my taste and I know he earns a decent living and has no kids, or ex to support anymore.  I feel like I'm paying for too many things sometimes including groceries on weekends. I mean early in the relationship if he can comfortably afford these things he should be more generous in my opinion.

I think your concerns are legitimate ,a red flag in fact. maybe it's time to see what else is out there

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Feelingnumb628 said:

I feel like I'm paying for too many things sometimes including groceries on weekends. I mean early in the relationship if he can comfortably afford these things he should be more generous in my opinion.

I get the impression this is the main reason you're not feeling it, and most women would feel the same way.

 

It's 100% natural for females of all species to select for providers. 

 

Studies show that 80% of women are not attracted to and do not respect or admire men who provide less than they do or split everything down the middle. It's impossible to have a happy, fruitful relationship with a man you don't respect or admire. 

 

It's not really about the money - it's about the man's masculine power to earn and drive to provide for and take care of his tribe.

 

My man pays for the lion's share of our shared expenses, in spite of my many offers to contribute more, and in spite of the fact that his ex-wife got half of everything and he has two kids whose college tuition he's paying. The truth is I love him so much I'd live in a tent with him under a bridge. But of course it's extremely attractive that he's got his act together and shows me his serious commitment and investment with the way he generously provides.

[2BGoodAgain]

3 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I get the impression this is the main reason you're not feeling it, and most women would feel the same way.

 

It's 100% natural for females of all species to select for providers. 

 

Studies show that 80% of women are not attracted to and do not respect or admire men who provide less than they do or split everything down the middle. It's impossible to have a happy, fruitful relationship with a man you don't respect or admire. 

 

It's not really about the money - it's about the man's masculine power to earn and drive to provide for and take care of his tribe.

 

My man pays for the lion's share of our shared expenses, in spite of my many offers to contribute more, and in spite of the fact that his ex-wife got half of everything and he has two kids whose college tuition he's paying. The truth is I love him so much I'd live in a tent with him under a bridge. But of course it's extremely attractive that he's got his act together and shows me his serious commitment and investment with the way he generously provides.

LOL. "You'd live in a tent under a bridge". My God woman, that's the hottest thing i've read all year. lol.

 

seriously... kudos.

[preraph]

I never have cared about money.  I just cared that they were ambitious (when young).  But it is true I don't like anyone who is cheap and penny pinching to the point they drag other people into it, in effect, taking advantage of them OR demanding they only do and go where they want to because of it.  A friend of mine is in that situation now, but because she is a little frugal herself, I thought it was okay for her -- until recently when she told me he was trying to get her to sell her house and buy a cheaper one (because of how prices have gone up there, that isn't even possible.  She'll never have a cheaper mortgage than she has now, 25 years into the purchase.)  I know how she is and I doubt she's ever pushed to find out anything about his own finances.  I contend he doesn't have any unless he sells his Mustang that is the ONLY car he's had since the 60s, too cheap to buy one to drive and makes her take her clodhopper everywhere and then pay for the breakdowns herself.  All I know is he never takes his poor cats to the vet, so he's cheap.  

[Feelingnumb628]

It's hard to say but I know he wants to move to Florida and he has said he believes I have much more money than him - could it be that he always says "I love you" because he loves the idea of me helping support him in retirement (he is almost 70 years old).

[kendahke]

how long ago did you lose your previous partner?

[Feelingnumb628]

7 years ago. We were married for almost 30 yrs.

[FMW]

He may very well love you, but he may still be highly attracted to you for financial reasons.   

[kendahke]

Sell nothing for him, do not put his name on anything and let him know with absolutely no mistake that he'll never get his hands on your money or property and that you are not the community ATM. He's expected to pay full freight.

 

You sound like you're over this dude, anyway, so you might as well set him adrift since he's got so many demerits against him by what you've written.

[Ruby Slippers]

From what I've heard, there are tons of guys out there looking for a more comfortable lifestyle provided by a woman. Personally, I'd be a million times happier alone than pulling along this kind of dead weight.