Maggsie97 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Hello all, I've been internet dating for the past year and find it really exhausting and I'm not getting very far, I have dates, but nobody that I've wanted to go to a third date with, there also doesn't seem to be many people single of my age (40) that are within a reasonable distance of where I live. I'm female and would love still to have a child, although I accept I might be pushing it a little, I'm a member of sports clubs and I go into town occasionally but I'm not a big drinker and I have done the whole group Meet Up to try and make friends or find someone. I've spent a little bit of time recently with a local guy who I've known on and off for 15 years, he's always liked me and he'd like to start a family, he's 45. The problem is I like him but not sure if I fancy him, he's also massively disorganised (I'm mega organised), he's always behind in getting things done, turns up hungry because he's had no breakfast, unobservant and quite forgetful, it seems he struggles to look after himself, or he's let himself go a bit, I can't really get my head around which, he turned up in grimy clothes for a day out, I only really saw the grime when I looked closer at the collar and cuffs of his jumper, but if that was someone I'd just met online and didn't know, I wouldn't be seeing him again. He also superficially cleaned before I went to his for dinner a few weeks ago, because I was coming around, so doesn't bother with that the rest of the time. Nothing physical happened and I'm not sure I want it to. I've told him that I don't think I can see this going any further and he's told me to stop the nonsense, that I'm scared, that we're a perfect match and to meet him again, I've explained I'm not too happy about the not being organised thing and he said he needs a woman to sort him out, but turned it into a joke, which I don't find funny at the age of 45, he's had previous relationships and a marriage years ago, he didn't take it too well, when I asked how he'd manage with children when he can't look after himself, he got offended as he's dated women with children and is a natural. He's told me he's trying to improve his life and he's now got a decent job which he's happy in, but I don't really see anything else he's improved, he comes home and watches TV or goes to the pub a few times a week with his mates, he does like to drink, no hobbies etc. But he's not all bad, kind, caring, loyal, decent job, I'm a high wage earner, I'm decent looking and do have pretty good standards, I'm not sure to try and compromise with this or just move on, a lot of guys won't entertain me as they already have kids and don't want more, I don't want to go back on the internet, but it seems I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't.
introverted1 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 You sound seriously underwhelmed by this guy, so attaching yourself to him permanently via a baby seems unwise, at best. 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Honestly, at age 40 (especially wanting a child) you are going to have to compromise. It's unrealistic to think you will find all exact traits you want in a man. Even if you did, you may not be what he wants. If he's a little messy/disorganized, either learn to live with it, help him out or plan to have a maid come in every couple of weeks. I'm not hearing anything that leads me to think he's abusive in any way. Also, you can introduce him to new hobbies or go participate in your hobbies with friends. 2
preraph Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Do not settle for him. If you're not wild about him now you'll be really not wild about him in a year. He sounds gross. Join another some kind of activity like bowling league or something like that. Or take a job working a shift or two on the weekends at a country club. 2
RecentChange Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Having a child is a big test of a relationship - it doesn't sound like you even want to have sex with this man, what makes you think that you two would be able to stay together happily forever - or at least 18 years? Considering him as a husband and father doesn't sound like a wise plan - you don't respect and admire him. And unfortunately the clock is ticking. You don't really have time to establish a strong relationship and then go about getting married and having kids. If children are a top priority for you, have you considered a sperm donor? Your window of natural fertility is quickly closing. Being a single parent would probably be better than a miserable marriage. 2
FMW Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Stop trying to talk yourself into him. Marriage can be challenging enough when you're head over heels in love. Your disgust with him will only grow and his feelings for you will change because of that. 4
kendahke Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Why are you wasting time with a man for whom you hold thinly veiled contempt? Just go it alone til the guy you're really after materializes---but don't be unfair to this guy you clearly don't like by keeping him around because you don't want to be lonely. 2
RecentChange Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Besides .... Is this sloth really who you want contributing to your children's DNA and raising your children / installing his habits and way of living upon them? A sperm donor - well at least then you can screen for genetic quality etc. And wouldn't have the baggage of an ex husband when you DO meet someone that is compatible. Marriage should be to only a man you couldn't imagine living without. Someone that understands you in a way you never thought possible and loves the heck out of you. And you feel the same about him.
BaileyB Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 4 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Honestly, at age 40 (especially wanting a child) you are going to have to compromise. With much respect, I personally would rather be single and childless than settle for a relationship and bring a child into the world with a man that I do not love or respect. 2
BaileyB Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 10 minutes ago, RecentChange said: Marriage should be to only a man you couldn't imagine living without. Someone that understands you in a way you never thought possible and loves the heck out of you. And you feel the same about him. And even then, it’s hard work... I can’t imagine marrying and raising children with a man who I did not feel this way about. 2
mark clemson Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 There's settling for someone who's pretty good but not absolutely perfect, which I have read is how many families get made in this world, and then there's making a huge, obvious mistake out of impatience or desperation. Can you access a greener pasture somehow? A city within an hour's driving distance?
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 12 hours ago, BaileyB said: With much respect, I personally would rather be single and childless than settle for a relationship and bring a child into the world with a man that I do not love or respect. Totally understandable. Each woman in her situation has to decide for herself what's best for her. Tough choices have to be made when women wait until 40 to decide marriage and family are what they want, usually after decades of wasting time in FWB situations and making climbing the corporate ladder the priority. 1
Author Maggsie97 Posted December 18, 2019 Author Posted December 18, 2019 Thanks everybody for the advice, really appreciated. I have taken action and I've decided to not take it any further, it hasn't gone down very well at all and I'm getting bombarded with some nasty messages, pretty unnecessary as it was in the extremely early stages. On 12/17/2019 at 2:35 PM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Totally understandable. Each woman in her situation has to decide for herself what's best for her. Tough choices have to be made when women wait until 40 to decide marriage and family are what they want, usually after decades of wasting time in FWB situations and making climbing the corporate ladder the priority. I'm glad the word usually was used in the quote/post above as neither situation applies to me. 1
fishlips Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Is he the one sending nasty messages? If so, you were wise to let him go.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 19, 2019 Posted December 19, 2019 At 40, as a woman, online dating is not favorable. You are in the space where older men with a lot to offer have more options than you, but younger men do not have enough to offer you. It is this very strange middle ground that most women do not navigate successfully. without help. Simply put, other men who are 40, are either divorced, married or just plain weird. Older men who are divorced are typically particular in taste. The weird guys, well.. You know the deal by now im sure. I could probably give you advice about how to build your profile, but couple things I gotta know: How much money you make a year, Are you willing to expend more effort into dating than simple coffee dates or not (Be honest) and a synopsis of your current social life outside of work.
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