d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Exactly PRW. It's a loaded Q before you even meet. K.K. not dating (as in actively & repeatedly seeing) somebody who is seeing others is one thing but before you even go on one date with the person that is unrealistic. I wouldn't stop playing the field before the 1st meet. After I met somebody, I'd probably still go on any dates I already had scheduled then stop seeing all but the front runner.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 When I was doing online dating, I always asked this. My intention was to weed out men who got out of a serious relationship very recently and were on the rebound. You don't have to give an exact number. You can say something like, "It's been over a year." No sensible person will push it further than that before you've even met.
Brennan72 Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 I don't think this is an unusual question at all. It doesn't require some detailed answer either, since you just met this person. But when you say you have been single for 8 years, what does that mean? That you haven't had sex in that long (no encounters at all, or maybe just a few dates), so that you have been having casual sex, short-term flings, etc.?
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: When I was doing online dating, I always asked this. My intention was to weed out men who got out of a serious relationship very recently and were on the rebound. You don't have to give an exact number. You can say something like, "It's been over a year." No sensible person will push it further than that before you've even met. I understand. But if you don't treat the date as if it is a relationship then there is nothing to worry about. I'm not even going to consider Exclusivity (aka "relationship", aka BF/GF) until about 2 months in (and that is only an estimated time frame). After 2 months you'll know what is going on and if it is worth continuing. During that 2 months you can back out at any time, there is no breakup because there is no relationship to break up from. You can also be dating others during that two months as well (and so can the other). This casual dating phase is the answer to so many "dating problems" that it is just amazing,...but there are just so many people who either can't get their head around it, or refuse to get their head around it. The pattern is like this, assuming it continues all the way to the end: Intro/Pickup ---------------> Casual Dating -----------> Exclusive Dating ------------> Engaged ------------->Marriage 1st date offered Estimated 2 mo. Is BF/GF needs no explanation rather obvious Not BF/GF Is a relationship Not a relationship Not free to date others Free to date others Edited December 18, 2019 by PRW
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Brennan72 said: But when you say you have been single for 8 years, what does that mean? That you haven't had sex in that long (no encounters at all, or maybe just a few dates), so that you have been having casual sex, short-term flings, etc.? You just gave the reason why it shouldn't be considered "usual" and why it shouldn't be answered. It is a no-win scenario. The right answer to the question is, "It's none of you business at this point". But saying it that way would end the date fairly quickly,...but it is the true answer. It is like asking a guy "How often did you beat your wife?" Edited December 18, 2019 by PRW 1
Brennan72 Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 4 minutes ago, PRW said: You just gave the reason why it shouldn't be considered "usual" and why it shouldn't be answered. It is a no-win scenario. The right answer to the question is, "It's none of you business at this point". But saying it that way would end the date fairly quickly,...but it is the true answer. It is like asking a guy "How often did you beat your wife?" I don't think it is a no-win scenario. I had a girl ask that precise question to me on our second date over dinner. I said "had a serious girlfriend about a year ago, and it was long-distance. Things didn't work out. Since then I've been causally dating here and there". What is wrong with that? Now asking this question over the Internet early on with someone you haven't met in person is a little more awkward, but I wouldn't say it is out-of-bounds.
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 1 minute ago, Brennan72 said: I don't think it is a no-win scenario. I had a girl ask that precise question to me on our second date over dinner. I said "had a serious girlfriend about a year ago, and it was long-distance. Things didn't work out. Since then I've been causally dating here and there". What is wrong with that? Now asking this question over the Internet early on with someone you haven't met in person is a little more awkward, but I wouldn't say it is out-of-bounds. 1. You gave the best answer you can give and was non-specific enough to survive it 2. You just got lucky. Get more experience with this and you will find out the hard way what is wrong with it.
chillii Posted December 19, 2019 Posted December 19, 2019 (edited) 10 hours ago, K.K. said: It’s no problem for me. I don’t date people that are dating anybody else. Neither would l, woudn't even consider it . Edited December 19, 2019 by chillii
Miss Spider Posted December 19, 2019 Posted December 19, 2019 (edited) Some people use it yardstick for how emotionally available you are and I’m that too far oh either side of the spectrum is a red flag. I do think it’s a little weird to ask before meeting, but who knows. Just be honest about how long and honest about why. Edited December 19, 2019 by Cookiesandough
Author Angel29 Posted December 19, 2019 Author Posted December 19, 2019 On 12/18/2019 at 3:01 PM, d0nnivain said: Angel29 Did you end up answering him? What did you say? What was his reaction? I told him I had been single for a few years and had been pursuing my hobbies, travelling and knowing what I want from life. He took it quite well. It does put me off he brings up past relationships a bit so I might write him off. He should leave the past where it is. Other men don't tell me about their exes.
salparadise Posted December 19, 2019 Posted December 19, 2019 There was a thread recently where the woman was upset because the guy wasn't asking enough questions. How many times have we heard women exclaim that a man should show that he "wants to get to know me," and they judge that by how inquisitive he is. To me, asking when someone's last relationship was is completely innocuous. I've answered that question many times without a second thought. Limiting conversation to favorite movies doesn't accomplish much. There are things you don't ask too soon, but I just don't understand why the sensitivity about this particular one.
TheFinalWord Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 On 12/16/2019 at 3:11 AM, Angel29 said: A guy I have been chatting to online wants to know when my last serious relationship was. I don’t know why he wants to know this. He's likely mainly asking because a lot of OLD users are fresh out of a relationship and are seeking maybe validation or a rebound. If he is interested in something more serious (the only reason I can see why he would care), he would want to know if you are still hung up on an ex or something to that effect.
schlumpy Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 I read it as a screening question. He doesn't want a good time girl who has a high turn over rate with men. He's looking for someone who has sex inside the confines of a LTR. Or maybe he is looking for a good time girl. It can be read either way.
healing light Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 (edited) On 12/16/2019 at 6:09 AM, d0nnivain said: My husband had only been back in the dating game for about 1 year -- which was a few 1st dates -- after a 10 year hiatus. His previous GF dumped him on the night he was going to propose because she didn't think he was taking the relationship seriously enough & he wasn't invested. He had a ring in his pocket & everything. Wow! That would devastate me if I had been your husband at the time--looks like it all worked out in the end. I'm guessing he didn't proceed with the proposal because then it would have been ruined. It would have eaten me alive to have kept that secret, though, given the reason. I agree with the other posters. Be honest, but if saying 8 years makes you uncomfortable to a person who is little more than a stranger, you can be vague until you get to know each other better. I think this response is perfect: On 12/16/2019 at 6:09 AM, d0nnivain said: "It was several years ago. When that relationship ended I needed time to regroup. I traveled, made new friends, and really figured out who I am and what I wanted." Edited December 20, 2019 by healing light
elaine567 Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 Every question is "loaded" in early dating. The only people who have issues with "questions" are those who for some reason want to hide the answer. The last relationship is the first and obvious question, as dating history is important to any one who is seriously looking for a partner. Anyone who is evasive or who refuses to answer or who lies or who gets huffy, needs binned as they obviously have something to hide. If a person is going to dump you for your dating history, it is pretty disingenuous to hide it, then "surprise" them with it and then have them ultimately dump you later - what a waste of time. Best to get it out in the open - I was married for 20 years, I have been so busy with my career I had no time to date, I left my ex 2 weeks ago, my last relationship was 5 years ago, my partner died, I have never had a relationship... etc. It is not as if you can hide the truth forever, you can hardly hide an ex wife and three kids or a dearth of exes or a cluster of "casual" orbiters....it will all come out, so best get it over with at the start. 3
Gaeta Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 When I was online dating I ALWAYS asked men how long they had been single on our 1st conversation. I only wanted to eliminate the recently separated men. After meeting a series of them I got tired of stepping out of my home for nothing so it became my number 1 question on a first conversation. Also, when I went back to dating I had been single for nearly 7-8 years. Men asked me how long I had been single and after answering the truth a couple of times and seeing their negative reaction I stopped telling the truth. I got tired being told something must be wrong with me being single for so long. From then when I was asked how long I had been single I just answered 'a couple of years'. I was truthful about being divorced 10 years ago, then just told them I dated but it only got semi-serious so far. Even my current boyfriend of 4 years doesn't believe me when I tell him I was single from age 33 to 40.
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