Angel29 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I have been single for 8 and a half years. I don’t have a problem with this as I have been travelling, making new friends, pursuing hobbies and learning about what I will and won’t put up with in relationship. A guy I have been chatting to online wants to know when my last serious relationship was. I don’t know why he wants to know this. I am hesitant to tell him as a lot of people think there is something wrong with you if you have been single for only 2 years! I don’t see why I should be in a relationship with someone who I don’t see a long term future with to satisfy society’s expectations of being in a relationship. What do I say to him?
ajequals Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I think you just don't answer the question ,the easiest way out ..He will take it as you don't want to talk about it ,being it seems purely online. it doesn't really matter does it?
salparadise Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I think it's a legitimate question, but when and how it's asked may be tricky. I was chatting with a woman online once and asked how long she had been single, sharing my info at the same time, and poof-gone! But contrary to what you assume, I'd rather the answer be a few years than "oh, I dumped my previous BF last week." I don't want to waste my time on someone who burns and turns one every few months, nor do I want to try to crack the shell on someone who is so hardened that they cannot let anyone inside their hula hoop. If I were you I'd just say something like, "oh, it's been a few years." I don't think societal expectations are that rigid. 2
Legatus Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I agree with your perception that people tend to judge you on your length of being single. I don't look at the correlation between being single and emotional maturity or anything like that. It does have to do with how independent people are, how happy are they by themselves, what kind of space they need. I like my "happy little world" as somebody described it recently and it used to be hard for me to welcome people to that world, not anymore. Even though I have been single for 3.5 years I think I've grown on my own much better than I would have in a relationship...
PegNosePete Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 2 hours ago, ajequals said: I think you just don't answer the question ,the easiest way out ..He will take it as you don't want to talk about it ,being it seems purely online. it doesn't really matter does it? I don't think this is a good tactic. He will view not wanting to talk about it, as you're still hurt/angry/upset about it. I don't think this question is a test if there's something wrong with you, more likely he is making sure you're not recently broken up ie. rebounding. As @salparadise says I would just answer the question vaguely and ask the same in return. Refusing to answer won't change the facts anyway, and if he's the kind of guy to reject you because it's been so long then then you might as well find out sooner rather than later, and move on to someone who doesn't have such an illogical deal-breaker. 1
mortensorchid Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 That is a legit question in some ways, but beware of this guy for asking. I have encountered people like this before in OLD, they seem to have some kind of ulterior motivation / agenda as if they are looking for a certain answer out of you. There are some who like to pry secrets / information out of others and use it against them. I don't think it's outrageous to answer your question truthfully (that it's been 8 years) but if he gets into how/why it ended, be wary. In my case, I have a perfect conversation stopper which will make others straiten up if they went in any way off topic - he died.
Art_Critic Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 (edited) 2 hours ago, mortensorchid said: That is a legit question in some ways, but beware of this guy for asking. I have encountered people like this before in OLD, they seem to have some kind of ulterior motivation / agenda as if they are looking for a certain answer out of you. There are some who like to pry secrets / information out of others and use it against them. I don't think it's outrageous to answer your question truthfully (that it's been 8 years) but if he gets into how/why it ended, be wary. In my case, I have a perfect conversation stopper which will make others straiten up if they went in any way off topic - he died. Why be evasive though, why not just answer the question, of course the asker is looking to see if there is a deal breaker in the answer.. that's all part of dating. If someone was 2 weeks out of a serious relationship I would run because who wants to be the rebound, no other questions needed but if someone was 5 years from their last serious relationship then I think more questions would need to be asked, like how it ended I don't think people are out to use something against them but rather are looking for any of their deal breakers and answering questions that are legit with a lie or being evasive is doing nobody any good. Edited December 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 It's a litmus test on both sides. If he doesn't like your answer & odds are he won't, he will stop talking to you. That's OK because it means you & he were incompatible. If you don't answer him he will also stop talking to you. So answer him but vaguely & see what happens. If he just takes the info on board & doesn't judge, then he's worth talking to. I'd say something like what you told us. "It was several years ago. When that relationship ended I needed time to regroup. I traveled, made new friends, and really figured out who I am and what I wanted." If he doesn't like that answer well, that is on him. My husband had only been back in the dating game for about 1 year -- which was a few 1st dates -- after a 10 year hiatus. His previous GF dumped him on the night he was going to propose because she didn't think he was taking the relationship seriously enough & he wasn't invested. He had a ring in his pocket & everything. If I had refused to date him because it had been too long since his last relationship I would have missed out on a great guy. 2 1
Maggsie97 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Don't be elusive about it, I think it sets things off on an uncomfortable footing. I get asked the same and I've been single for a number of years as well, I say I've done a lot of work on myself and won't settle for the wrong person like a lot of people do. When you've been single for years I find most people think there must be something wrong with you, but as we know, that's not always the case, so it does make me quite angry to be judged but then again it's easy to judge someone who's only been divorced for a year when the reality is they could've been emotionally checked out of the relationship 4 years ago.
fishlips Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 It's possible he's asking because he doesn't want someone on the rebound. I'd answer, but you aren't required to give a detailed answer. You could just say you were busy establishing your life, but now you are ready to settle down. If he bails after that, well he wasn't worth it, anyway.
stillafool Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I don't see a problem with that question. Most women want to know when the last time a guy was in a relationship and what happened. 2
Saracena Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I would say he doesn't want to be a rebound or have to deal with a jealous ex still in the background! Or someone recently separated or divorced who's still embroiled in the process. Of course, only he knows the answer!
snowboy91 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I think honesty is the best policy here. Say it has been 8 years, and if he finds it odd in whatever way, tell him what you told us. Remember this guy knows nothing about you, and you know nothing about him - he could be asking for any reason. If it was me asking the question, I'd be doing so out of curiosity. But, like others, I'd be wary if the last relationship ended within the past couple of weeks. If the answer I got was a very long time (say over 2 years), I wouldn't be worried. Sure, there is a chance they may like their own space, but why would they be dating if they weren't interested in finding someone?
Lotsgoingon Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Depends on how far along you guys are--whether I think the question fits. But ... the bottom line is ... I would have no problems whatsoever meeting someone who was last in a serious relationship 8 years ago. Once past a certain age, 8 years can fly by. Nothing wrong with being single. Don't assume there is some social pressure out there that labels people as flawed if they haven't been dating in a while. If the person goes along with that social pressure, the that is NOT the person for you. But if he acts surprised and asks you why, don't go defending yourself. Say you can discuss more later ... but if you find the slightest bit of critical tone in his answer ... do NOT defend yourself. You'll likely say something that drags down your confidence.
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Just be vague. Say it's been awhile. Then you can proceed to tell him how much of a busy life you've had traveling etc.
kendahke Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 On 12/16/2019 at 3:11 AM, Angel29 said: I don’t know why he wants to know this. Why don't you ask him why he's asking you? Don't curse the darkness when you can light a candle. 1
Watercolors Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 On 12/16/2019 at 2:11 AM, Angel29 said: I don’t know why he wants to know this. Then ask him, "Why do you want to know when my last relationship was? I'm curious." Do you two have plans to meet in person in the near future, or is this strictly an online pen-pal type connection? If you never have plans to meet him and you trust that he won't use your personal information to try to find you without your permission, tell him. Otherwise, meet him in person and talk about yourself more then. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Angel29 Did you end up answering him? What did you say? What was his reaction?
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Tell him you just broke it off with a black belt martial arts teacher least weekend and he lives 3 doors down from you. 2
K.K. Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Yea I think it’s just a normal question. Nobody wants to wonder if there’s somebody else out there waiting in the wings. 1
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 4 minutes ago, K.K. said: Yea I think it’s just a normal question. Nobody wants to wonder if there’s somebody else out there waiting in the wings. Always assume someone else is out there. When you first meet you are not exclusive, both are still free to see other people,...so assume other people are there and if a person has a problem with that then that rules them out. 1
K.K. Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 It’s no problem for me. I don’t date people that are dating anybody else. 2
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 (edited) It might be a normal question,...but it is online, the dating has not begun yet. The question may be "normal" but it also does not deserve and answer yet. People are going to be very judgmental on the answer to that question no matter what the answer is. So if they hit me with that question they are not going to get an answer, if they persist they will be told they have not earned it yet, and if they still persist then I won't see them at all. Edited December 18, 2019 by PRW Always typos 2
K.K. Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 I mean ok .. if you say so. I think it’s a normal question. You do you, man. It’s all good.
PRW Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 Just now, K.K. said: It’s no problem for me. I don’t date people that are dating anybody else. You will. You just won't know you will. No one should owe you exclusivity before you are exclusive and they barely even know you. People aren't "seeing" someone until they are actually in a dating relationship. They are not in a dating relationship just because they had a couple dinner dates with someone they barely know from a dating app. 1
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