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He canceled on the party

mortensorchid

By mortensorchid
in Dating

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FMW Established Member

FMW

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, alphamale said:

when they seem to be just friends for the time being

 

I think that's a very important part of this.  They aren't a committed couple, they are still in the getting to know you stage and taking it more slowly than a lot of people do.  Nothing wrong with that.  At all.  But along with that comes keeping expectations in check.  If he continues with similar actions in the coming month or two then she should certainly evaluate if she's ok with going forward. 

Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted (edited)

If he only thinks you two are friends, then the way he bailed on you at the last minute would qualify as "annoying but strike 1 offense." I see this as one of those priority vs. option situations. 

For whatever reason, you and your time are not a priority in this man's life. Right now, you're just an option to him. I think you could use this situation as an opportunity to speak up about what you want from him in your life. This is a great opportunity to set boundaries with him. Hey, it really bothers me when people cancel on me at the last minute.

 

Why do you need to "play the cool girl" with him about this? It irritated you. So, you need to tell him that. I don't understand why people have this fear of being honest with each other. As though being honest is a sign of insecurity or weakness. When it's quite the opposite. It upsets you that he canceled last minute on plans. He needs to know what your boundaries are, and unless you tell him, he'll never know. 

 

You don't need to give him the 3rd degree either. Just keep it short and simple. So that he understands that next time he doesn't want to go with you somewhere, he should not cancel on you at the last minute but cancel the moment you ask him. If you don't speak up about what your needs are; what you will and won't put up with, then you'll constantly question your priority vs. option status with this man.

 

I personally think he lied through his teeth to you about why he couldn't make it to your party (kids and incompetence are rather lame and convenient excuses). 

 


 

Edited by Watercolors
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alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

 I don't understand why people have this fear of being honest with each other. As though being honest is a sign of insecurity or weakness. 

 


 

George Carlin once said that people love honesty until you are honest with them

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Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, alphamale said:

George Carlin once said that people love honesty until you are honest with them

I LOVE George Carlin's comedy. 🥰

Of course he's right. But who said setting boundaries was fun. If you don't tell the person you are dating what your boundaries are, then they will just take advantage of you and gaslight you when you finally do communicate your boundaries. 

Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I personally think he lied through his teeth to you about why he couldn't make it to your party (kids and incompetence are rather lame and convenient excuses).

That thought entered my mind, as well. 

 

To "mortensorchid", does this gentleman seem uncomfortable in new social situations??  Does he dislike parties where he doesn't know anyone?? I'm thinking he didn't want to go to the party, and made up an excuse to get out of it, after he said he would go.

 

And one more thing... Has he introduced you to any of his friends??

 

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JoeyArnold Established Member

JoeyArnold

Posted
Posted
22 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Of course he's right. But who said setting boundaries was fun. If you don't tell the person you are dating what your boundaries are, then they will just take advantage of you and gaslight you when you finally do communicate your boundaries. 

 

I love George Carlin too but you're right about boundaries. Use it or lose it.

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Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

That thought entered my mind, as well. 

 

When men lie, they tend to play on a woman's empathy and nurturing qualities. If I tell her my ex-wife forced me to finish the Xmas-shopping for our children, she'll feel bad. If I tell her I just forget about the party because I'm a guy and all guys are incompetent, she'll feel guilty. 


I don't know how involved you are with this single father, but in addition to the baggage of his ex-wife and children, he has his regular baggage as a guy dating on top of that. 

 

What X-mas shopping was urgent that he had to do it during the evening hours during the party you attended. Sorry, but I think he lied to you. 

Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, JoeyArnold said:

 

I love George Carlin too but you're right about boundaries. Use it or lose it.

 

Well exactly. Either use the situation as an opportunity to state your boundaries so they know what to expect from you the next time, or say nothing, then lose your right to be upset because you allowed them to act like a jerk to you without consequences the first time. 

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JoeyArnold Established Member

JoeyArnold

Posted
Posted
2 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

 

Well exactly. Either use the situation as an opportunity to state your boundaries so they know what to expect from you the next time, or say nothing, then lose your right to be upset because you allowed them to act like a jerk to you without consequences the first time. 

 

And it is like a slippery slope, a water slide. One minute you are on the top of your boundaries and the next you are all wet at the bottom of the pool. One little push can lead you down that domino butterfly snowball effect before you can even say oatmeal haha.

Watercolors Established Member

Watercolors

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, JoeyArnold said:

 

And it is like a slippery slope, a water slide. One minute you are on the top of your boundaries and the next you are all wet at the bottom of the pool. One little push can lead you down that domino butterfly snowball effect before you can even say oatmeal haha.

 

Ideally, with the right partner you don't have to constantly monitor your boundaries. That only happens, I believe, when you're with a toxic partner. If you find yourself constantly checking your partner's words and actions against each other, that is a HUGE red flag waving in your face that this person is not good for you. 

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Finding my way said:

 

They aren't a committed couple, they are still in the getting to know you stage and taking it more slowly than a lot of people do. ....But along with that comes keeping expectations in check.  If he continues with similar actions in the coming month or two then she should certainly evaluate if she's ok with going forward. 

 

If they are both in agreement to continue taking things at a snail's pace, then similar actions are to be expected.   If one party wants more, they need to speak up about what they are looking for in a relationship.

 

Personally, this situation wouldn't work for me.

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Scarlett.O'hara Established Member

Scarlett.O'hara

Posted
Posted

I'm sure this guy has his good points, but he isn't exactly doing a great job at making you feel very special, is he?  Letting you down last minute was rude and the excuse didn't strike me as all that convincing, even if it was genuine.  To add to that, he doesn't seem in any hurry to be intimate with you after almost two months, no wonder you're feeling concerned.  I would be surprised if you weren't.

 

Sometimes little things start to add up, and before long you realize that you are settling for a guy just because he's "nice".  Hopefully that isn't the case, but it something you should at least consider if the pattern continues.  It might not actually be your anxieties, but your intuition warning you that something is off.  

 

Trust your instincts.

alphamale Established Member

alphamale

Posted
Posted

I think he's trying to tell mortensorchid that his time is more valuable than hers and if she wants a "relationship" with him she better learn to pay 2nd fiddle (or even 3rd fiddle)

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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

...or 6th fiddle, after him, his 3 little kids and his ex wife...
 

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted

I think that someone will figure out a way to be with you whether or not they have kids. The guy might be lukewarm about the OP since this is apparently moving slowly. How often do you two spend time together? 
 

I've learned that "I like to take things slowly" is often a way to manage expectations. Not always, but I'm a bit wary of those words. Many times, it can mean "I'm not crazy about you, but I like you enough to keep you around." 
 

I wouldn't freak out about this situation, but I'd keep my eyes and ears open to this becoming a pattern. Could be garden variety drama with the ex and kids. Could be he's lukewarm about you. Time will tell. 

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