mortensorchid Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Last night (Saturday) I was supposed to take my new bf to a small party. He said in a text before that there was an upset with his ex wife and his kids were upset and it was a nightmare that day. Then he said he had to go out and do some Christmas shopping for the kids. I said okay, no worries. And I went to the party without him. He was not blowing me off. Once years ago I was going to bring someone to a party and when he was over an hour late I called him. He answered and said "I f***ed up, I am out at a bar". No apologies and he didn't say he would make it up to me. Of course, I never heard a word from him again. He blew me off. I am ... Well, concerned. I have not met the kids yet and not pushing it it, but I am knowing this is what is ahead. Maybe I just had to say this. Am I wrong to think this way?
introverted1 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I'm confused about how the upset with the ex led to an unplanned need to shop for Christmas presents. Was he just upset about the fight with his wife and using the shopping excuse to avoid having to go out? Unless he was unexpectedly in charge of the kids that night, I don't see it as a positive that he bailed on the party with you. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 You are right to be concerned as in keeping your eyes open but upset kids at the holidays have to come first. It sounds like he was planning to go with you but then forces beyond his control screwed up his day. He called. He gave an explanation & you went to the party. The prior guy's bad behavior is coloring your reaction. However, if this pattern continues . . . last minute cancellations blamed on the kids / EX then it may be time to re-evaluate. 4
PegNosePete Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 This is what happens when you date fathers/mothers. They get ex problems, kid problems, and have to be there for them. It's part of the deal - take it or leave it! Having said that if you've been dating a while then I think you're entitled to a more thorough explanation of what the issue was. Maybe he gave one but you didn't want to share it here? But if he hasn't given more details, I'd certainly be asking. 1
alphamale Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 cut him some slack, he's got kids plus it is the holiday season
Happy Lemming Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I don't like last minute cancellations, especially when it was an event that was important to you. So what if he had an argument with his ex-wife, brush it off, shower up, put on a smile and go to the party/event. I mean he still had the energy to go fight the crowds to go Christmas shopping; the argument couldn't have been that "Earth-Shattering". This isn't the first time he is going to use the ex-wife and kids as excuses to get out of things he doesn't want to do. I think you need to re-visit this action and discuss further. Let him know that certain things are important TO YOU, and he can't use the ex-wife and kids as reasons to cancel. I mean if one of the kids is admitted to the hospital or something along those lines, that is different, but an argument and people being upset happens everyday. When is a ex-wife not upset with her ex-husband... 1
FMW Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 You're not wrong to be concerned, but as has been mentioned in other threads, try to relax and see how things go. It's clear he's going to take a slower approach to your relationship, personally I don't think that's such a bad idea. Notwithstanding his own issues he's dealing with, you need time to understand what being with him will entail - knowing about the flare ups with his ex as to the kids is good information for you to have so that you move forward (or not) fully aware of the situation. It's still early days for your relationship. I think I would wait until after the holidays - a stressful time for everyone - and another month or so more along before taking any hard stands. That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about things, it doesn't mean you let him get by with mistreating you. But I wouldn't make a huge deal out of one canceled party. 4
alphamale Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 55 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I think you need to re-visit this action and discuss further. Let him know that certain things are important TO YOU, and he can't use the ex-wife and kids as reasons to cancel. if I was him and mortensorchid said that to me I would give her her walking papers
Happy Lemming Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 32 minutes ago, alphamale said: if I was him and mortensorchid said that to me I would give her her walking papers I just don't like one-sided relationships... She didn't ask him to climb Mt. Everest, she asked him to accompany her to a party, shake some hands, smile and chit-chat a bit. When you are in a relationship, you have to try and occasionally do things for the other person (if even if you don't feel quite up to it) We can agree to disagree "alphamale"... I still very much enjoy reading your posts.
Els Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Was the ex-wife supposed to get Christmas presents for the kids and didn't, hence why he had to go? Personally I think this is just part and parcel of dating people with kids, they gotta come first, always. Just got to accept it or move on.
fishlips Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 If this is an occasional thing, I'd let it go. His kids are more important than a party, and I think you realize that. However, if it becomes a habit, then maybe it might become a problem. I don't think it has come to that, though. How old are the kids? If they are pretty young, then this is probably going to happen every now and then.
alphamale Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 35 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: I just don't like one-sided relationships... She didn't ask him to climb Mt. Everest, she asked him to accompany her to a party, shake some hands, smile and chit-chat a bit. When you are in a relationship, you have to try and occasionally do things for the other person (if even if you don't feel quite up to it) We can agree to disagree "alphamale"... I still very much enjoy reading your posts. I love you too HL ... I'm not trying to be mean here but her bf seems to have a lot on his plate right now. so I give him the benefit of the doubt. mortensorchid has to understand that the best she can do in this relationship is second fiddle. his family will always come first. if you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen. I've dated women with kids and it was always understood that I would never be first in their lives...I understood that and acted accordingly. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 2 hours ago, alphamale said: mortensorchid has to understand that the best she can do in this relationship is second fiddle. his family will always come first. Last time I checked, Christmas comes every year on Dec. 25th. He could go Christmas shopping at any point before the party (even last month) up until Dec. 24th. Yes, I know the kids come first, but this isn't about the kids or presents... Its about poor planning on his part and making "mortensorchid" go stag to a party that she wanted him there with her. She was only asking for a couple of hours of his time, that isn't asking for the world. 2
alphamale Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: Last time I checked, Christmas comes every year on Dec. 25th. He could go Christmas shopping at any point before the party (even last month) up until Dec. 24th. Yes, I know the kids come first, but this isn't about the kids or presents... Its about poor planning on his part and making "mortensorchid" go stag to a party that she wanted him there with her. She was only asking for a couple of hours of his time, that isn't asking for the world. maybe he can attend a time management seminar? 1
smackie9 Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 His exwife got on his case that he HAD TO take the kids Christmas shopping or else. It's not blowing you off, it's a divorced man trying to keep the peace with his ex and doing what is his told to do just to shut her up. This isn't always about you or because of you. This man has a commitment to his children and they come first.....it is what it is. There will be more times when he is tied up with the kids or having to do something for her. Whadda ya gonna do? 2
Happy Lemming Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: His exwife got on his case that he HAD TO take the kids Christmas shopping or else. In the original post by mortensorchid, the boyfriend had to go shopping FOR the kids, not with the kids. I made the assumption the ex-wife had the kids. I doubt you would take the kids with you when shopping for them, that would ruin the "Santa Claus" surprise aspect. 1
introverted1 Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 7 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: In the original post by mortensorchid, the boyfriend had to go shopping FOR the kids, not with the kids. Yep. And this is key, imo. If he went shopping for the kids, then he just bailed on MO and her party. And this is not a good sign. Alternately, if he went shopping with the kids unexpectedly, then MO could cut him some slack.
Author mortensorchid Posted December 17, 2019 Author Posted December 17, 2019 12 hours ago, introverted1 said: I'm confused about how the upset with the ex led to an unplanned need to shop for Christmas presents. Was he just upset about the fight with his wife and using the shopping excuse to avoid having to go out? Unless he was unexpectedly in charge of the kids that night, I don't see it as a positive that he bailed on the party with you. He said he got some wires crossed and that was his only weekend he could do his XMas shopping. I am being the cool girl for now - the one who is okay with this. He's not a bad guy, I am not making excuses for him. It's got to be hard on him.
greymatter Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 MO, do you believe that the two of you are dating and not just friends? I know you've kissed (I think) but I'm just wondering what your current status is with him in terms of whether or not you are dating. 1
Happy Lemming Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 2 hours ago, mortensorchid said: He said he got some wires crossed and that was his only weekend he could do his XMas shopping. He's not a bad guy, I am not making excuses for him. How long would it have actually taken him to make an appearance at this party?? 2 hours maximum?? If time was really that tight, you two could have taken separate cars and he could still have made an appearance with you and left early, correct?? This party was important to you... I just think he could have tried a little harder. 1
PegNosePete Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 4 hours ago, mortensorchid said: He said he got some wires crossed and that was his only weekend he could do his XMas shopping. That wouldn't wash with me. If it was an emergency then fair enough, kids come first. But bailing on plans for an important event at the last minute, due to no reason other than his own incompetence, he would not get away with that if it were me! Besides there's at least a week's worth of opening hours to go... 1 1
elaine567 Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Has he never heard of online shopping? How much "shopping" was he doing during the party? 2 1
smackie9 Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 OH OK whatever, so she gave him a list and told him to get out there and do it. Might have been an agreement put in place after the divorce. He had to do it to keep the ex off his back. This typical of divorced couples with kids. This crap is happening in my family, and it's always worse this time of year.
Blind-Sided Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 This is a tough one. OK... I'm a dad of 2 little girls, and one of them has gotten sick. Last Sunday I was going to meet one of my female friends at lunch, who was also going to bring one of her single friends along. (again) But, I had to call her only a couple hours out, and tell her that my young one had a 102 fever, and I couldn't make it. (she was originally going to play at a neighbors house for a couple hours) I felt bad for everyone. I felt bad for my kid who didn't feel well... I felt bad for my friend who needed to get away from her kids for a couple hours... I felt bad for the girl who was going to join us (as I assume she was going to get made up some) and I felt bad for myself, as I was looking forward to meeting new people. But, as it's already been pointed out... the kids come first in a "Single" dad scenario. On that situation, I understand 100% BUT... It sounds like he didn't get stuck with a kid at the last moment since he went shopping. AND... if conversations with the ex are causing him mental distress, where he can't be with you... that could be concerning. On this point... you may want to have a real sit-down talk with him.
alphamale Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 1 hour ago, Blind-Sided said: On this point... you may want to have a real sit-down talk with him. my understanding B-S is that they have not had sex yet. it's going to be hard to "talk" with him when they seem to be just friends for the time being
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