Medication Taper and Dating

[OatsAndHall]

Two disclaimers before I begin this thread:

 

1. Please don't toss out any "advice" about tapering off of a medication. I'm under the care of a psychiatrist and I have experience with tapering down on this medication; I know what I'm doing and I know where to fall back if I need advice (i.e. my doctor). Please respect this request as no one on here is a shrink and I am establishing a boundary.

 

2. I'm going to continue to date (at a slow pace) while I'm tapering down on this medication. The tapering process for this medication (a benzo) is slow (i.e. a year or more) and I could end up dealing with withdrawal symptoms long after I come off. The medication and the taper already rules some portions of my life and I'm not going to let it control this aspect. This is also something that has been discussed with my shrink.

 

I have dealt with depression and anxiety my entire life; it runs through my family like wildfire. It is something that I have had a handle on for a long time now through medication and therapy. Unfortunately, a psychiatrist prescribed me Klonopin about a decade ago and I've been on it ever since. I despise the medication, it's side effects and the fact that I am physically dependent on it. I have been gradually tapering off on on of it awhile now but I decided to put my nose to the grindstone over the last month or so as I've grown weary of being tired and out of it.

 

I honestly didn't plan on dating after my venture with the paramedic fell through. Between that fiasco and the taper, I just needed a breather. However, I met someone at a social function about three weeks ago and now we're dating. I had my reservations about dating someone but she's a good woman, we've had fun together and I want to continue seeing her. With that being said, I'm wondering if/when I should tell her that I'm tapering off of a benzo.

 

The withdrawal process isn't fun but I do a good job of managing it and not allowing it to affect work or the people around me. Honestly, I haven't felt well on any of our dates but I don't let it show and we've had good times together. I was worn down and irritable on our date on Friday night but I didn't show it and things went well enough that she invited me to spend the night at her place. Half way through the evening, I was calm, relaxed and feeling much better.

 

I don't feel the need to disclose anything about my health or taper at this current juncture as we've just met each other. I feel that it's personal and, again, I can tame the insomnia, irritability and anxiety so that it doesn't affect my life.  With that being said, the physical withdrawal symptoms (headaches, nausea, dizziness, flu-like symptoms, double vision, vomiting) get bad on rare occasions, they're hard to put down, and can affect those around me. So, I'm kind of at an impasse here; I don't know when it would be appropriate to tell her about the taper. She's a nurse and is well versed in medications so she wouldn't view me as a junky. With that being said, she's a "healer" and I get the feeling she'd feel obligated to be a caretaker if I was hurting. I'm not going to put that on her.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

 

[FMW]

If you plan to continue dating her, I would find a way to bring it up.  Especially since she's a nurse, she'll understand.  Even though you think you aren't showing any of the side effects of tapering off, she may have noticed something so explaining the situation would be helpful.

 

But of course it's your choice - you can maintain your privacy for as long as you feel the need.  

[alphamale]

there is no need to tell her.

 

btw I have been under the care of a shrink for 30 years for my bipolar.  5 years ago I was in hospital and decided to quit cigarettes, alcohol and Xanax on the same day.  I was literally a walking zombie for two weeks.

[smackie9]

I don't think you are fooling her with "trying to act normal." I think she has an idea something is going on, just doesn't want to pry at this point. You will know when to tell her. Keep working hard at your recovery. .

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I would say there's no rush to tell her.

 

But let me back up a step. You say, she's a "healer" and I get the feeling she'd feel obligated to be a caretaker if I was hurting. I'm not going to put that on her.

 

I would caution you to avoid worrying about her caretaking you if and when you disclosed the taper process. You'd be caretaking her by worrying about her caretaking you. By caretaking, I mean acting with the assumption that she needs your protection, that she's not an adult who can draw her own lines and set her own limits and her own boundaries. Sure, there are times we can caretake another person. They're gravely ill or going through multiple crises, so we might decide to keep a problem we have to ourselves. But ... even then that should be temporary. This woman is an adult, and it's her job to stay in her own lane and not lose herself in whatever a dating partner is going through.  What's more, you want to date someone who can stay in their own lane. And if she can't  (as in she gets really involved in your process in a way that distorts her life) then you want to know that. Heck, she might turn out to be someone who enjoys being aware of what you're going through ... and it's no burden at all for her.

 

Your mileage, of course, may vary. But every time I've made a decision assuming someone else needed caretaking, it's like I'm stepping into this zone of trying to be heroic. I'm protecting you and I am not even saying I'm protecting you. Next thing I know, I'm withholding all kinds of stuff and the relationship becomes unbalanced because I'm focused on helping her and start ignoring me.  Now that is me, not you. You may not have this tendency. 

 

Now back to when to disclose ... hmmm ... this may be one of those decisions that I would decide there is no perfect moment ... and I might simply go with my gut in the moment. If one night if feels right to tell her, then I'd tell her. If not telling her starts to get in the way of me feeling fully relaxed when out with her, I might tell her.

 

But there's no rush. You're not hiding that you just got out of prison on a 20-year term for murder.  Perhaps a good time to disclose is when you can't hide your discomfort anymore or don't want to hide it. She might notice that you seem a bit off and you decide then to tell her then.  

 

Good luck, brother.

 

 

 

Edited December 15, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[OatsAndHall]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

I don't think you are fooling her with "trying to act normal." I think she has an idea something is going on, just doesn't want to pry at this point. You will know when to tell her. Keep working hard at your recovery. .

 

Eh, you'd be surprised. I'm a teacher; I'm quite good at putting a smile on my face and making it through a bad day of benzo withdrawal. I HAVE to keep my stuff wired tight in order to do my job. Some of the kids I work with are absolutely merciless and would gladly tell me if I was "crabby" or state "You look like crap." Lol. And, I've gotten good at hiding it because it becomes my new "norm" at times; you get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

 

I'm hesitant to bring anything up because she's a bit skittish right now. I'm the first person she's dated since her divorce, five years ago, and she's openly said that she feels like things are "too good to be true". I haven't "love-bombed" her or done anything over the top but she was ecstatic for two days simply because I brought her a cup of coffee at work. Her only real frame of reference is a bad marriage and I can see that she's gradually working through that. I don't want to throw a wrench in that by dumping my medical issues on her.

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Just me ... but I don't think it's my job to worry about keeping up someone else's hopes and helping them feel optimistic again about dating. 

 

Either they're ready to date or not. Either they can deal with me or not.  They find me safe or not. It's not helpful for me to change my normal behavior out of desire to help the person through a healing process. 

 

If she wants to date again and wants a good relationship she's going to have to learn to weather the ups and downs and face the fact that the people she dates have good days and bad and have all kinds of medical histories.  That's work she has to do, not the partner. 

[alphamale]

10 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said:

 

Eh, you'd be surprised. I'm a teacher; I'm quite good at putting a smile on my face and making it through a bad day of benzo withdrawal. I HAVE to keep my stuff wired tight in order to do my job. Some of the kids I work with are absolutely merciless and would gladly tell me if I was "crabby" or state "You look like crap." Lol. And, I've gotten good at hiding it because it becomes my new "norm" at times; you get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

 

I'm hesitant to bring anything up because she's a bit skittish right now. I'm the first person she's dated since her divorce, five years ago, and she's openly said that she feels like things are "too good to be true". I haven't "love-bombed" her or done anything over the top but she was ecstatic for two days simply because I brought her a cup of coffee at work. Her only real frame of reference is a bad marriage and I can see that she's gradually working through that. I don't want to throw a wrench in that by dumping my medical issues on her.

 

 

I never tell the girls I date that I am bipolar, for obvious reasons

[OatsAndHall]

2 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Just me ... but I don't think it's my job to worry about keeping up someone else's hopes and helping them feel optimistic again about dating. 

 

Either they're ready to date or not. Either they can deal with me or not.  They find me safe or not. It's not helpful for me to change my normal behavior out of desire to help the person through a healing process. 

 

If she wants to date again and wants a good relationship she's going to have to learn to weather the ups and downs and face the fact that the people she dates have good days and bad and have all kinds of medical histories.  That's work she has to do, not the partner. 

 

You certainly make some valid points, thank you.

 

This is a side of my life that I keep to myself; I only told my family that I was tapering because I ditched out early on Thanksgiving dinner. My stomach was ripped up from the withdrawals that day and a plate of white meat turkey and veggies made me sick. I tend to hide it until I can't as I'm private and I only ask for help from people that a) are paid to be there (therapist and shrink) and b) that I know will be understanding and not try to play "caretaker".

 

I'll have to tell her at some point and, you're right, there is no opportune time.

[preraph]

I am so happy for you that you are doing this. 

 

Date her for a little while and tell her when you feel comfortable enough with her and think that your relationship may move forward.  If she ever comments that you seem tired or some other symptom, maybe you casually bring it up at that time. 

 

I hope things work out.

 

[alphamale]

1 hour ago, OatsAndHall said:

 

I'll have to tell her at some point and, you're right, there is no opportune time.

dude, you've known this chick for 21 days.  why are you even worrying about this, anything can happen.  if you're still together at the 6 month mark then by all means tell her

[divegrl]

Do not date. 
 

The you that you think you are... will not be the same as when the butterfly emerges from the chrysalis. 
 

Have a beautiful day my friend. 

[Saracena]

14 hours ago, alphamale said:

I never tell the girls I date that I am bipolar, for obvious reasons

 

So, at what point do you tell them then?

[alphamale]

4 hours ago, Saracena said:

 

So, at what point do you tell them then?

I usually break up with them at the 3-6 month mark (if they haven't broke up with me first)

[clia]

Because this is a temporary thing, I don't think you need to tell her unless it becomes an issue.  For example, if you are experiencing some of the bigger withdrawal symptoms and have to cancel a date or need to go home early or can't see her.  And I don't think it should be framed as a big deal.  "Sorry, I'm tapering off a medication and it's resulting in some side effects."  Alternatively, I would tend to think that if you continue to see her, at some point your anxiety/depression will come up, so you could mention it then also, but again, not as a big deal.  Just matter of factly.    

[OatsAndHall]

On 12/16/2019 at 7:50 AM, clia said:

Because this is a temporary thing, I don't think you need to tell her unless it becomes an issue.  For example, if you are experiencing some of the bigger withdrawal symptoms and have to cancel a date or need to go home early or can't see her.  And I don't think it should be framed as a big deal.  "Sorry, I'm tapering off a medication and it's resulting in some side effects."  Alternatively, I would tend to think that if you continue to see her, at some point your anxiety/depression will come up, so you could mention it then also, but again, not as a big deal.  Just matter of factly.    

 

Unfortunately, there have been days when the withdrawal symptoms have almost hit that point. Yesterday was one of them. I went over to her place last night and cooked dinner for the two of us but I couldn't eat much because my stomach was in knots. I made a sensible dinner (lightly seasoned chicken fajitas) and took my Beano but the indigestion was bad. We still had a nice evening together but I was in obvious discomfort and she noticed. I played it down as simple indigestion as I really didn't have the energy or patience to discuss the withdrawal.

[preraph]

^ That's alright.  Again, it could have been simple indigestion.  Just because you're gassy doesn't mean you have to spill your guts about something that personal this soon.  This is something you're dealing with.  Jeez, I have personal medical problems only my girlfriends of 40 years know about because they're that personal.  Don't create problems where there are none.  If it should get to a point where you feel you can't function well enough to keep the relationship going, then you should tell her what you're going through just so she'll understand.  If you should end up having to go in the hospital or if you should have some sort of crisis (NOT GAS) while you're with her, then you'd have to bring her into the picture.  Like if you, say, started throwing up and needed to be driven to the ER or something like that, afterwards when you felt better, you could let her know, Oh, I'm working with my doctor to taper off some narcotic meds I've been on, and I think that's what made me sick.  

[OatsAndHall]

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

^ That's alright.  Again, it could have been simple indigestion.  Just because you're gassy doesn't mean you have to spill your guts about something that personal this soon.  This is something you're dealing with.  Jeez, I have personal medical problems only my girlfriends of 40 years know about because they're that personal.  Don't create problems where there are none.  If it should get to a point where you feel you can't function well enough to keep the relationship going, then you should tell her what you're going through just so she'll understand.  If you should end up having to go in the hospital or if you should have some sort of crisis (NOT GAS) while you're with her, then you'd have to bring her into the picture.  Like if you, say, started throwing up and needed to be driven to the ER or something like that, afterwards when you felt better, you could let her know, Oh, I'm working with my doctor to taper off some narcotic meds I've been on, and I think that's what made me sick.  

 

I generally play most things close to the chest. Benzo withdrawals are a b-tch because they're unpredictable. I have a quality taper plan in place that -should- make it more manageable and predictable but I honestly never know when I'm going to get hit with the worst of the withdrawal. I wasn't feeling too hot yesterday but not bad enough to call off the date. I might've thought about just staying home if the stomach cramps had hit me before I ate. I've been irritable going into a few of our dates but I just pop a half of a benadryl, take the edge off and it goes well. I've crashed at her place a few times and I have extra melatonin, benadryl and hydroxyzine with me in case I get hit in the teeth at night.

[preraph]

That sounds like a good enough plan.  Just don't get woozy and take them all at once!  

 

One thing about letting someone in on something like this, sometimes they start treating you different or remind you of it too often or whatever.  Depending on the person, they will have different levels of understanding about it.  Some people might not place any importance on it at all, not really understanding the difficulty if they have no history experience of having encountered it before.  Others might get spooked by it if they have dealt with an addict before.  So you just wait until you know what to expect from her.  

[rightondude]

good luck brother. I can't relate to this struggle you're going through. I can say though that if I was on the other side, I would want to know prior to some incident occurring. Not a long drawn out discussion, maybe something like "hey I'm weening off some medication that I think has been doing more hard than good. If I act a little off, that's probably related. No excuses for bad behavior, but just wanted to give you a heads up. Cool?" And if she has more questions, so be it, that means she's interested and at least willing to hear you out. I don't think it's "too soon" ... not if it's something you want to see grow and not if you'd rather not be explaining things after the fact (which rarely works; people just see that as an excuse or cover up).

 

[FMW]

It's early days, no need to spill all your secrets right now.  But if you decide this relationship might have a future, I think you should bring it up.  As has been suggested, you can do it casually, not making a big deal out of it.  But at least she'll have the information. 

 

Coming at this from the other side, if I'm going to regularly date someone for 3 months or more, before getting more involved I would want to know about things like depression and related drugs.  I understand it's very personal, but if someone is going to invest in a relationship with you I think they deserve the courtesy and trust to understand the full picture.  I doubt it would stop anyone from continuing the relationship.  But as I mentioned before, I doubt you are so skilled that all the effects of what you're going through aren't giving her some kind of feeling that something is off.    

 

Depression may be normal for you and something you've dealt with all your life, but it's something that can and usually does affect those that are close to you.  If someone shows the care and interest to invest in a relationship with you (past 3 or 4 months) then I believe they deserve to understand the full picture.  If I was involved with someone past that beginning stage and they chose to keep that from me, when I found out (by hearing it from a family member, seeing a prescription bottle, etc.) it would make me rethink where I stand.  If someone doesn't share something that's a regular part of their life with you, then it usually means they don't see you as having much importance.   

 

That's just my opinion - but you should understand that I'm probably not the only one who might feel that way.  

[OatsAndHall]

10 minutes ago, rightondude said:

good luck brother. I can't relate to this struggle you're going through. I can say though that if I was on the other side, I would want to know prior to some incident occurring. Not a long drawn out discussion, maybe something like "hey I'm weening off some medication that I think has been doing more hard than good. If I act a little off, that's probably related. No excuses for bad behavior, but just wanted to give you a heads up. Cool?" And if she has more questions, so be it, that means she's interested and at least willing to hear you out. I don't think it's "too soon" ... not if it's something you want to see grow and not if you'd rather not be explaining things after the fact (which rarely works; people just see that as an excuse or cover up).

 

 

I'll let her know before anything really hits the fan; I certainly don't want to be explaining anything to her after something bad has happened. I imagine I'll end up telling her when I'm having a seriously off-day and it may impact our time together. (Fingers crossed): things should be manageable as long as I keep tapering slowly, listen to my body/brain and follow the doc's instructions. The seriously nasty withdrawals come when you try to taper off of smaller doses/come off of it completely and I'm a long way from that. My doc and I have a plan in place to make that period less difficult. And, I always give myself a month or two long break between tapers to stabilize and recover a bit.

[OatsAndHall]

15 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

It's early days, no need to spill all your secrets right now.  But if you decide this relationship might have a future, I think you should bring it up.  As has been suggested, you can do it casually, not making a big deal out of it.  But at least she'll have the information. 

 

Coming at this from the other side, if I'm going to regularly date someone for 3 months or more, before getting more involved I would want to know about things like depression and related drugs.  I understand it's very personal, but if someone is going to invest in a relationship with you I think they deserve the courtesy and trust to understand the full picture.  I doubt it would stop anyone from continuing the relationship.  But as I mentioned before, I doubt you are so skilled that all the effects of what you're going through aren't giving her some kind of feeling that something is off.    

 

Depression may be normal for you and something you've dealt with all your life, but it's something that can and usually does affect those that are close to you.  If someone shows the care and interest to invest in a relationship with you (past 3 or 4 months) then I believe they deserve to understand the full picture.  If I was involved with someone past that beginning stage and they chose to keep that from me, when I found out (by hearing it from a family member, seeing a prescription bottle, etc.) it would make me rethink where I stand.  If someone doesn't share something that's a regular part of their life with you, then it usually means they don't see you as having much importance.   

 

That's just my opinion - but you should understand that I'm probably not the only one who might feel that way.  

 

Dating while being diagnosed with a mental illness can be difficult territory. You'd be surprised how many people are less than understanding as there is a stigma surrounding the subject in this country. Many of us play this one close to the vest with SOs, new friends (etc) because we've had bad experiences with people when we've been honest about it.  People treat you differently when they know, they make assumptions that they shouldn't and too much of their view of you starts to revolve around the mental illness. If you're having a bad day (as everyone does), suddenly it's because you're "depressed". If you're irritated about something going on, you're over-reacting because you have "anxiety". They assume that you're eating right and exercising because you HAVE to or you'll lose your chit. That crap drives me up a wall as I've worked hard to keep my depression and anxiety from defining or controlling me. I've had my stuff wired tight for a long time now and taking the medication, exercising, and eating right are just a part of my life.

 

And, to be really honest, that mentality makes me angry in a big way. I have my life and health way more together than a lot of people I know and have dated so feeling like I'm being judged makes me testy.

 

 

 

 

[smackie9]

The best part is that you acknowledge it, and are doing your best to maintain it. So many don't, and their BF/GF are here trying to figure out how to get them help. Not everyone puts up the hand and says no. Lots do care and willing to work something out.

[FMW]

19 hours ago, OatsAndHall said:

feeling like I'm being judged makes me testy

 

That's completely understandable.  And that's why it's not something you need to share early on in a relationship.    

 

I assume further down the road though you will to know if this woman is one of those that will judge you before you invest more of your time/emotion with her.  I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone that I had to hide things from. 

 

So you just have to figure out what the best time for YOU is to bring it up.  We're all just throwing out our thoughts on opinions for consideration, hopefully some of it will help.