Author Lilywithacat Posted December 16, 2019 Author Posted December 16, 2019 I read all your advice. Thank you! I believe you are right... I do need to talk to him again when we can sit down and about the future and then probably decide then if it’s worth going on. If he is that indecisive then I don’t think it’s worth it. I do feel it’s not fully clear before that talk though. Because regardless of what he wants, there are some misunderstandings. I’m going to ask him point blank how important I am to him and for me to be in his future. And if he says I am I will expect him to put an effort to make it work between us. But if it’s just I don’t know, I’ll get going.. Im afraid it’s the end though and it makes me sad... But maybe that can give me an opportunity to find someone who wants to be serious about me. we have travelled together, if he didn’t feel romantic about me I’d think less of those vacations. At least I can have good memories.
schlumpy Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 Don't get give up hope Lily. This might be the splash in the face of cold water he needs to get moving in your direction. 1
preraph Posted December 16, 2019 Posted December 16, 2019 I bet the thought of you dating other people would make him stand on his toes.
fishlips Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 He isn't some fickle teenager. He should know after a year if he loves you. Do you want a long term commitment or a FWB? If you want something long-term, then time to cut him loose. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Sure, talk to him ... but ... seriously, if he doesn't feel strongly for you now, there's a problem. In my experience, even having to ask the question you're asking here (does he love me and all of that?) indicates a problem. Ask all you want, but ... it's much better, in my view, to check in with YOUR feelings. Don't take his infatuation comment too seriously. He had just told you he's not in love with you ... what people often do after disclosing something uncomfortable ... is tell a little white lie in answer to the next question. Be careful in hearing his answer. Lots of folks will say things when they think the relationship is on the line--though they won't necessarily follow through. You want actions and actions include telling you, without being asked the question, that he loves you. Seriously, time to think about letting this guy go. You're getting way way into his head. You really don't want to get that deep into someone's head for many reasons--one being that lots of people have no idea what's going on in their hand. Another being lots of folks feel conflicting feelings and won't articulate that confusion when asked. My advice: assume that how he is treating you right now ... is him at his default, even him at his best. What you see is what you get. So, assuming that, what would you do? 3
Silver_star Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 From my experience, if he cannot say it or "doesn't know" if he is in love with you by now...he will never get there with you, and if he does it will be because you are just there as a default when he decides he doesn't want to hold on for something else anymore. Don't settle for that. 1
preraph Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 Look, there are people who don't know and never will what love is. I mean, he could have grown up in a household without love or at least without love between the spouses. It has a direct effect on people. You have to have a role model of some sort to even know what love is. I've met and heard of many guys who I don't think had the capacity to love anyone but themselves. 1
lana-banana Posted December 17, 2019 Posted December 17, 2019 A 39-year-old who "doesn't know if he's in love" but who still wants to seeing you is basically a sign saying that this is as far as it's gonna get. He may want to keep seeing you, and he may even sincerely like your relationship and adore spending time with you, but he doesn't want more. If you have any expectation of marriage you should put that to rest immediately because this guy is not going to go there with you. 3
Author Lilywithacat Posted December 18, 2019 Author Posted December 18, 2019 His actual wording to me when I asked if he had fallen in love was I’m maybe falling in love.?. which is vague or negative I guess. Im going to have a talk to him regardless. He has never expressed that he doesn’t want this to become more serious, rather the opposite when we have talked 6 months ago. But I haven’t asked about moving in together etc. but yeah, it doesn’t look too bright our future. I really want someone who is as physically affectionate as him. Also, I’m going to miss his dog so much too. Maybe I need one.. 1
BC1980 Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 A year is plenty of time to know if you love someone. You shouldn't even need that long. This is a dead end relationship. It's not that complicated to know if you are in love with someone. You either are, or you aren't. 1
schlumpy Posted December 18, 2019 Posted December 18, 2019 5 hours ago, Lilywithacat said: His actual wording to me when I asked if he had fallen in love was I’m maybe falling in love.?. which is vague or negative I guess. Im going to have a talk to him regardless. He has never expressed that he doesn’t want this to become more serious, rather the opposite when we have talked 6 months ago. But I haven’t asked about moving in together etc. but yeah, it doesn’t look too bright our future. I really want someone who is as physically affectionate as him. Also, I’m going to miss his dog so much too. Maybe I need one.. Labs are wonderful companions as well as a shih tzu.
stillafool Posted December 19, 2019 Posted December 19, 2019 On 12/15/2019 at 7:26 AM, Lilywithacat said: I am going to ask him more about what falling in love means to him since he says he is slow and he has been infatuated with me and has feelings. But as you say, I’d expect a guy to feel that way by now. But first I need to know what these things are to him and what I mean to him. I haven’t felt that crazy in love feeling for him, but I have fallen and care about him a lot If you aren't sure you're in love with him why are you bothered that he isn't in love? It sounds like your feelings are matching to me.
preraph Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 Well I hope he's at least good with his dog. Yes you should definitely get your own dog if you've got a place for it. I'm just saying it's a lot easier if you live in a house with a dog door because then you're not having to come home all the time and check on the dog leave it alone or unable to go potty and all that or stick it in a cage which I don't believe it's fair for longer than about 3 hours. But there is nothing like a dog for a steady loyal loving companion.
smackie9 Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 IMO waiting around for someone to make up their mind or have them possibly "come around" is never the right thing to do regardless of how affectionate they are or whatever benefit you maybe getting from this. A relationship for the long term has to be with confidence, a "without a doubt" type confidence.
2BGoodAgain Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 contrary to what you see in the movies, a guy who falls fast in love, can also fall out real fast... i think the more important thing is asking yourself.. is this the type of love that you want? You may have an idea of what love is in your head, or at least in your heart, so you have to go deep down and ask yourself, are you okay with the way this guy expresses love.. not all people express love the same way, or in the same intensity. So figure out you, and then try to figure out him... he may have attachment issues, or he may not really express love passionately... or intensely or the way you recognize love... so if you want to spend a life time with him... you have to ask yourself, are you OK with the kind of love he expresses.... don't think that once you get deeper into the relationship or marriage that he's going to change... good luck!
Calmandfocused Posted December 20, 2019 Posted December 20, 2019 What a horrible predicament to be in. Lilly, I’m really sorry to say this : if a man “doesn’t know” if he loves you after a year, he doesn’t love you. If he doesn’t feel it now the chances of it growing into love is slim in my opinion. And it can’t be forced either. Please don’t think this is a reflection on you, it certainly isn’t. This aside, what’s his motivation here? Is he keeping you around to tide him over before he moves and then dumps you? Is he using you in the meantime? I’d be asking myself these questions. Is this what you want Lily? A man whose not quite sure about you? The power is in your hands. good luck
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