My boyfriend is not in love?

[Lilywithacat]

My boyfriend (39m) of a year told me when I asked him that he doesn’t know if he is in love yet. I asked him if he has felt infatuation now/earlier and he said yes. And I know and he has told me before that he has feelings for me and I can tell he cares a lot. I’ve met all of his family and some friends. His dog loves me at least.
But I’m not sure what to make out of it? 
 

When I asked if something was wrong/missing he just said he is a slow burner. He wants to continue with me he said. And half a year ago I asked him if he sees a long term potential with us and he said yes.  But I know he has been in love before in past relationship. 
 

is it possible he likes me a lot and has feelings, but not the really big ones (yet)? 

Edited December 15, 2019 by Lilywithacat

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Man love is so much more different than woman love. As men, we are 'supposed' to provide and 'supposed' to go without and in the modern man, he can find himself at odds with these things, for a multitude of reasons. Like, as a woman, its hard to have sex with a guy if you don't love him or at least feel some sort of thing for him, but as men, we can have sex all day with somebody we don't love or feel anything for. Man love takes time to manifest. Lots of time. 

 

I view love as simply something convenient and with that being said, love for a man is when he feels that being inconvenienced is a convenient thing... Because as men, through provisioning and through the expectations placed upon us, we are somewhat inconvenienced by the women around us... Things have to be a certain way.. We spend our time and money in a much less selfish way than if we were single and most men need time to come to terms with this s***. Sure, some couples have an even exchange across the board, but for the most part, women want to date up, not down and that means there is a higher expectation of a man... And trying to quantify this vs. the expectations of a woman is outside the scope of what I am saying, I am not trying to make this a competition or anything, but this is just how men feel and no conversation, no words are really going to change those feelings. Feelings change off of action alone.

 

When I am in love, doing something for a woman isn't inconvenient, it makes me feel a certain way.. But I have had relationships where I couldn't even be bothered to change her oil, she's talking about how her lights are coming on and i'm just like "Take it in" like... You see what I am saying? 

 

Man love is when you can look into your mans eyes and say "No" and no will not be the end of the conversation, but rather the catalyst to approach the table for negotiations. You can negotiate with a man in love, but a man who is not in love, you cannot negotiate with him or if you do, he views the negotiation as an inconvenience. 

[basil67]

He's a year in with you.  If he's not feeling it now, he's not going to.  Time to cut him loose.   

 

And for what it's worth, he'll likely be the same with the next woman, so don't loose sleep over it.

[Saracena]

Oh dear! If it were the first few months then another story but at this point he knows one way or the other!

[Lilywithacat]

2 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said:

Man love is so much more different than woman love. As men, we are 'supposed' to provide and 'supposed' to go without and in the modern man, he can find himself at odds with these things, for a multitude of reasons. Like, as a woman, its hard to have sex with a guy if you don't love him or at least feel some sort of thing for him, but as men, we can have sex all day with somebody we don't love or feel anything for. Man love takes time to manifest. Lots of time. 

 

I view love as simply something convenient and with that being said, love for a man is when he feels that being inconvenienced is a convenient thing... Because as men, through provisioning and through the expectations placed upon us, we are somewhat inconvenienced by the women around us... Things have to be a certain way.. We spend our time and money in a much less selfish way than if we were single and most men need time to come to terms with this s***. Sure, some couples have an even exchange across the board, but for the most part, women want to date up, not down and that means there is a higher expectation of a man... And trying to quantify this vs. the expectations of a woman is outside the scope of what I am saying, I am not trying to make this a competition or anything, but this is just how men feel and no conversation, no words are really going to change those feelings. Feelings change off of action alone.

 

When I am in love, doing something for a woman isn't inconvenient, it makes me feel a certain way.. But I have had relationships where I couldn't even be bothered to change her oil, she's talking about how her lights are coming on and i'm just like "Take it in" like... You see what I am saying? 

 

Man love is when you can look into your mans eyes and say "No" and no will not be the end of the conversation, but rather the catalyst to approach the table for negotiations. You can negotiate with a man in love, but a man who is not in love, you cannot negotiate with him or if you do, he views the negotiation as an inconvenience. 

Thanks for sharing. Is falling in love and loving someone different. The weird thing here is that he often goes out of his way for me, especially the last few months. But he is a nice guy, so maybe he just wants to be nice..

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

He's a year in with you.  If he's not feeling it now, he's not going to.  Time to cut him loose.   

 

And for what it's worth, he'll likely be the same with the next woman, so don't loose sleep over it.

 

I am going to ask him more about what falling in love means to him since he says he is slow and he has been infatuated with me and has feelings. But as you say, I’d expect a guy to feel that way by now. But first I need to know what these things are to him and what I mean to him.

 

I haven’t felt that crazy in love feeling for him, but I have fallen and care about him a lot

25 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Oh dear! If it were the first few months then another story but at this point he knows one way or the other!

You’d think that right? Even someone who moves slowly..

Edited December 15, 2019 by Lilywithacat

[schlumpy]

Some individuals can manage only so many steps in the mating process and then like a pole vaulter who keeps kicking the bar a certain height they can't get over and move on to the next step. A year in and you two should talking about engagement, kids and marriage or at least living together. He's probably trying but he just can't quit kicking the bar.

 

Try and find out if he has had a bad experience that is creating doubt for him. It could be his parents or another relationship. Who knows about these things unless they are discussed. If there is an emotional barrier therapy may allow him to move past it. Your other option is to force the issue realizing that it may end your relationship. Evaluate what you want. If he isn't supplying it or cannot promise you anything in the future then you will have find someone who will. 

 

It's tough but finding that one person to spend life with is worth the effort.

[Lilywithacat]

11 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

Some individuals can manage only so many steps in the mating process and then like a pole vaulter who keeps kicking the bar a certain height they can't get over and move on to the next step. A year in and you two should talking about engagement, kids and marriage or at least living together. He's probably trying but he just can't quit kicking the bar.

 

Try and find out if he has had a bad experience that is creating doubt for him. It could be his parents or another relationship. Who knows about these things unless they are discussed. If there is an emotional barrier therapy may allow him to move past it. Your other option is to force the issue realizing that it may end your relationship. Evaluate what you want. If he isn't supplying it or cannot promise you anything in the future then you will have find someone who will. 

 

It's tough but finding that one person to spend life with is worth the effort.

Without going into details his long term future isn’t certain. I knew that going in with him, and I’d not expect or want us to talk about kids etc now. But he has said he wants to make it work with me (although this was after 6 months and was more vague). Could this insecurity about long term future hold him back from falling in love? Could this explain what he means by being infatuated but not in love, defining it more as a commitment and responsibility than actual emotions?

For me now, I’d want him to feel he really wants to be with me (now and at least an intermediate to long term future if not longer). That he doesn’t feel like he’d drop me like a hot potato for someone else. 
 

[introverted1]

3 minutes ago, Lilywithacat said:

Without going into details his long term future isn’t certain.

 

I imagine that these details would provide quite a bit of context.

[Lilywithacat]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

I imagine that these details would provide quite a bit of context.

Ha, yeah I suppose.. He is an expat. Regardless of me I wonder where he will send the dog if he decides to move. 

[schlumpy]

You haven't said how old you are. Is there a biological clock issue? Do you have plenty of time to waste and then start from scratch?

 

To find out the truth you have to take a risk. You can only continue if you both understand the endgame. 

[introverted1]

Just now, Lilywithacat said:

Ha, yeah I suppose.. He is an expat. Regardless of me I wonder where he will send the dog if he decides to move. 

 

Ok, so he is living in your country and may be moving back to his country?  And you'd then either be in an LDR or he'd ask you to move with him?

[Lilywithacat]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

 

Ok, so he is living in your country and may be moving back to his country?  And you'd then either be in an LDR or he'd ask you to move with him?

This is another conversation I knew I have to have with him soon regardless. We had been dating for like 6 months when it was first brought up. I guess I’m hoping that I will be a critical and important factor for where he would eventually move. After 6 months that’s way too soon to know, but he said that if he decides to move he would want it to work with me, maybe taking me with him. But as I said, this is 6 months ago. He doesn’t have plans now to move

[elaine567]

What is his dating/relationship history like?
How long since his last relationship?

Why is he in your country?
Are there any, cultural, family, religious, legal reasons which may be holding him back from committing to you?

[d0nnivain]

With an uncertain future, as an ExPat a slow burner man is likely to keep a lid on his emotions.  Emotions do not serve him well in this situation.  He doesn't want to have to chose between you & his immigration status.   If he continues to insist he's not in love, he's trying to make it not hurt so much if he has to leave to return to his country.  

 

A year in, I would think a middle aged man would know his own heart especially if he's been "in love" before.  I don't think you have to be talking about marriage, kids, living together etc but do agree it would behoove you to get a better understanding of how he defines things like being in love.  I suspect he cares for you but since he's on shaky ground I bet he doesn't want to make promises the immigration officials might not let him keep. 

[Versacehottie]

Great post, Capslock Bandit!! One of the best ever on this site, I think.  

[BaileyB]

I would be pretty disappointed if my boyfriend told me after a year that he didn’t think he was in love...

 

 

[smackie9]

This is on him to explain it to you since YOU have invested so much already...he owes it to you. Now some have suggested he's not sure what his future is so he holds back on his emotions....well that's rather selfish of him...what about YOU? He's got his head up is butt and can't see anything else. Being nice and kind isn't enough at this point. Me personally would have never tolerated it because I have an expectation. If it's not met why would I waste my time?

OP it's time to stop letting him get away with it, and pacifying you with bs. If he can't bring himself to love you like you love him, then why are you still standing there??

[preraph]

He's still deciding whether to love you or not. He isn't a very spontaneous kind of guy and certainly not very emotional. He sounds pretty cold and calculated. 

 

All I can tell you going forward is to pay way more attention to what he does than what he says. When a man loves you and isn't just in it for the sex and limerence, he will show in some way that he is protective of you and is looking after your well-being. He will help you in small ways to make life easier. He won't run away when things get messy like when you get sick or are going through something. Guys who aren't really emotionally involved with you we'll just try to get away and not have to deal with it. A man who loves you well try to support you and help if they can. 

 

 

[Lilywithacat]

18 minutes ago, preraph said:

He's still deciding whether to love you or not. He isn't a very spontaneous kind of guy and certainly not very emotional. He sounds pretty cold and calculated. 

 

All I can tell you going forward is to pay way more attention to what he does than what he says. When a man loves you and isn't just in it for the sex and limerence, he will show in some way that he is protective of you and is looking after your well-being. He will help you in small ways to make life easier. He won't run away when things get messy like when you get sick or are going through something. Guys who aren't really emotionally involved with you we'll just try to get away and not have to deal with it. A man who loves you well try to support you and help if they can. 

 

 

judging from his actions he would be in love or at least care deeply. He does all these things, and never feels cold. He has cooked for me when I’ve been sick, well he almost always cook haha 

He doesn’t feel calculated at all, but he is stingy with saying affectionate things. And now this came up. He has been texting non stop after this convo came up too

Edited December 15, 2019 by Lilywithacat

[preraph]

Not everyone is comfortable complimenting or saying lovey-dovey things, especially men. 

[Lilywithacat]

We haven’t had time to talk a lot, but I tried to figure out what he means by falling in love and he was completely confused. He said he isnt fully sure about the long term future yet, but says he wants to be with me. Then I think it came a point when he realized that what I meant was more falling for someone and for him falling in love is something different. I think.

I asked if he has romantic feelings for me and he said he has. 
he is so bad talking about feelings lol
but he said the last time he is just slow and doesn’t think it’s something missing. 

 

Last time he fell in love it took a long time before he got there, like 1-1,5 years.

 

I need to have a deeper conversation about this later when we have more time. 
Like if he isn’t sure yet because of geography or because he really is that slow or that there truly is a lack of that extra feeling. but does this still sound bad or reasonable? 
for me I’m not sure about 5 years into the future but I’m thinking of eventually moving together. Not right now though 

 

 

[elaine567]

The problem you have is that he, at 39 btw, doesn't know where HE is going and therefore cannot promise YOU anything.
He is giving you the "gf experience", but without anything deeper behind it.
He is no doubt comfortable in this "semi relationship" and so does what he can to keep it going.
This leaves you in limbo unfortunately.
He wants to maintain the status quo but as for the future he doesn't know.

I can see you are filling in the gaps and making excuses for him, but is what he IS actually offering here, good enough for you?
If he is for instance a commitment-phobe or emotionally stunted or he is just not that into you or he is still in love with his ex..., then this may be as good as it gets...
Is he worth hanging around for?

[stillafool]

I wouldn't waste anymore of my time waiting for him to fall in love.  He probably does love you in that he thinks you are a wonderful person,  enjoys your company as well as romantic times with you and the compatibility.  He just isn't in love with you meaning he doesn't have that burning chemistry and the feeling that he can't live without you.  You said you don't have those feelings for him yet either so it sounds like you both are on the same page.  I would ask since neither of you have those crazy in love feelings for each other why are you upset that he doesn't feel them?

[Libby1]

3 hours ago, Lilywithacat said:

Last time he fell in love it took a long time before he got there, like 1-1,5 years.

 

I need to have a deeper conversation about this later when we have more time. 
Like if he isn’t sure yet because of geography or because he really is that slow or that there truly is a lack of that extra feeling. but does this still sound bad or reasonable? 
for me I’m not sure about 5 years into the future but I’m thinking of eventually moving together. Not right now though 

 

 

My worry about a situation like this is that if at some point when you've invested even more of your precious time and your energy than you have to date, he's going to tell you "I'm sorry, I'm just never going to feel it with you".  That, I think, would be far harder to get over than it would for you to knock this relationship on the head now.  If you take the initiative to end it because this guy seems too uncertain about you and everything else, at least you're retaining some control and also more self respect than you'll have if he dumps you at some point in the future after putting you through years of uncertainty.

 

As it is, his uncertainty about his future has become yours - and he's not able to lessen that burden by providing you with an unequivocal sense that he loves you. I don't believe you should settle for this any longer.  I don't think a man has a right to expect a woman to stand by him and keep trying for him if he's ambivalent about whether he loves her.

[lurker74]

I think some of the instincts here are correct...a year is a long time to be undecided about someone. Not hearing "I love you" within a year of a full relationship is pretty rare for anything but known FWB (and even some FWB!). Having said that, you first have to start with what is his definition of love? We talk about love like it's a universally agreed-upon thing. But it's not. Ask yourself how you define love. Then ask a friend. Eventually ask him. You will likely find that he defines it much differently than you, which might explain his feelings, or lack thereof. What you experience as limirence followed by devotion, he may experience as shared history followed by a clinging to that history.

 

So while I agree a year is a long time, determining the answer depends on your communication and understanding of each other's definition.

Edited December 16, 2019 by lurker74