Uncomfortable with Girlfriend drinking sometimes

[Ash_T]

Hello good people. Happy to join the community.

 

I'm hoping to get some advice and opinions about a little relationship issue. It's one of the very few things we disagree on and I'm hoping I could learn to accept this difference and maintain a positive relationship.

We both live in Tunisia, a north African country where drinking is considered taboo by a lot of families, and I grew up in one, being totally convinced that alcohol is not something I'd like to get near.

Two years ago I started a relationship with a lovely lady who's a social drinker. Drinking was accepted in her family and early college friend so it was a natural activity. I'm fully confident she's responsible about it and won't overdo it to the point where it harms her health. Still, the idea of her drinking alcohol is quite repulsive.

I've communicated with her about my irrational hate of the act drinking and she seemed understanding, especially knowing that it's practically the only thing I seemed to dislike this way. Early on in the relationship she promised she'll quit drinking but recently on a few occasions, she joined her friends for some drinks and unfortunately it made me feel upset and a bit turned off from her.

I'm very unhappy about this mindset I have towards social drinking, and I can't argue for it much. Besides the historical and social reasons that made me dislike drinking, I consider being sharp at all times as a fundamental part of my personality, so I'm very afraid of the idea of lowering my consciousness for "fun". Regardless, that's a choice I made for myself and it's clearly unhealthy for me find fault with a close one for not complying with that.

 

Forcing myself to join this type of activity could be a way to get rid of the quirk, but I feel like that's the easy way out, and it might regret it. So I'm hoping to hear about your similar experiences or lessons learned from such disagreements. Ignoring this unhealthy mindset will cause more strain on our relationship especially if we're faced with time apart in the future.

 

Thank you all.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Don't change you are for her.  Taking up a vice to please someone else is not a great idea.

[schlumpy]

This may be the rock that sinks the boat. I don't think you will be able to modify your feelings on drinking and I don't see her quitting to please you. The first argument you guys have and she's downing a couple of drinks just to irritate you. She sees herself as in control and your fears about drinking baseless. She may be right but that won't help stop the resentment from building up.

 

She continues to drink - you start to resent it.

 

She quits drinking to please you - she starts to resent it.

 

You could compromise where if she takes a drink it's out of your sight and sense of smell. Frankly, as deep rooted as your complaint is (you did use the word revulsion) I have my doubts that will be enough. 

[d0nnivain]

Either agree to disagree about this -- she drinks & you don't or go your separate ways.  It's one of those subjects where it's unlikely that either of you will convince the other to chage his / her view. 

[preraph]

For what it's worth, I'm sure she's disappointed you won't have a drink with her, so it's not a one-sided thing.  Being rational about it, if she isn't coming home stumbling drunk or driving drunk and she's only drinking occasionally, it's not a problem.  Of course, if she turns into an alcoholic and doesn't want to fix it, then you'd have a choice to make and could just leave.  

[fromheart]

3 hours ago, preraph said:

Being rational about it, if she isn't coming home stumbling drunk or driving drunk and she's only drinking occasionally, it's not a problem. 

Well, he's from another culture where alcohol is frowned upon.  Have a look at your local bar at midnight tonight, ad you may agree. 

OP, if you want a woman who doesn't drink there is absolutely nothing wrong with this. 

[preraph]

Then why is he dating outside of his culture if it's really that important to him.

[fromheart]

7 hours ago, preraph said:

Then why is he dating outside of his culture if it's really that important to him.

They both live in Tunisia.  That's a different country with a different culture.

[smackie9]

Not sure why you would ever date someone who drinks, when drinking is a moral issue with you. Admit it, you tried, and it's not working for you. Your solution is to end the relationship.

[K.K.]

Quote

Still, the idea of her drinking alcohol is quite repulsive 

 

Quote

I’ve communicated with her my irrational hatred of the act (of) drinking”

 

Yea this is what they call a dealbreaker. You’re going to end up resenting her big time and this is going to be a thorn in your side as long as you’re with her. 

 

You said you were thinking of trying to force yourself to drink but then you went on to give very valid reasons why you don’t like it. 

 

IF I was a non drinker, this would be a deal breaker unless she wanted to quit and then you’re walking that line of telling someone what to do like you’re their dad. 

 

 

[FMW]

There is nothing wrong with your view of drinking and aversion to being with someone who drinks.  Unfortunately, it means that you are incompatible with someone who does drink.  If it was something she would willingly give up, she would have done so by now.  

 

This is a big area of incompatibility - even if it is the only one, it's too big to overcome.

[preraph]

6 hours ago, fromheart said:

They both live in Tunisia.  That's a different country with a different culture.

Which just proves that not drinking does NOT apply to everyone in his culture, so he should make concessions.  

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds like you need to date a non-drinker. Period. 

 

If she doesn't want to change (and why should she just because you say so). And you don't want to change. 

 

Screen for this quality in people in you date in the future. 

 

 

[fromheart]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

Which just proves that not drinking does NOT apply to everyone in his culture, so he should make concessions.  

Well outside of America, people have different culture, customs and attitudes.  You saying its ok as long as she doesn't get too out of it, may not apply to a different country and culture. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I used to date this woman; was the strangest chick I have ever met in my entire life at that time... She was not exactly awkward socially, she was definitely able to be social, but she lacked the ability to be intimate unless she was drunk. As men, we never lack the feeling of intimacy, you can find it as a man almost anywhere you go, so for me, it was always a strange thing. One of my good friends had dated this woman previously and he had brought her to his graduation party.. Well 2 drinks in, she is making out with EVERYONE but him... They had been together for over a year at this point, but hadn't really spent any time drinking together until this point.

 

I thought she just didn't like me, until one night, were all drinking together, first time I am drinking with this chick and she gets naked with one of my buddies (His girlfriend was there too, but he did this type of s*** all the time) and streaks across the neighborhood, then runs back inside, sits down beside me without putting even a thread of clothing on and begins trying to have a conversation with me like she isn't completely nude. One of the strangest encounters with a woman I had ever had, at that point.

 

Soon after, I began to be exposed to more women and their drinking ways and I found that the things that the chick above did, was actually somewhat normal. I feel like alcohol is just kind of an excuse to act a certain way... I don't know, anyways, me and the chick detailed above went out for coffee a couple years later and she was telling me how she felt like I was trying to "Hold her back" by not indulging in drinking and attempting to curb hers. "Hold you back from what?" I asked and she shut right up and changed the subject, never spoke on it again, but she also didn't need to, I knew what she was referring to and she was right... I was attempting to hold her back from meeting other guys... Because we were in a relationship... Like... A relationship. A short lived one, but one nonetheless. Agreed on exclusivity and everything. This is when I understood, that the whole relationship game for these women, is strictly a social thing, not an internal thing.... There is no conscience, there is only excuses for why they do not have one and at the top of that list is alcohol.

 

Its funny, because later on in my life, I began dating a woman who really looked down on alcohol... She didn't eat pork, didn't drink, but also did not call herself Muslim, but just did not indulge in these things. Soon after, I learned that she was into really hard drugs, she was smoking freebase basically, but seemed like a totally normal person... But again, you know, she would act all normal and then when she started smoking up, the act would fall apart and her true self is revealed... There was a night where she face planted down some concrete steps.. Another night where she left to go see her friend wearing her pajamas and didn't come back until the morning... Another night, she spent the day complaining about how she needed to work the next day and everything in the house needed to be a certain way, then she spent the entire night awake smoking up and left for work high as a kite.

 

It is just crazy man, so I try to date sober chicks only, but even then, most women who say they are sober are bulls***ters, spent a lot of time dating, haven't found one yet that sticks to her word on it, in some capacity or another, just because they fear looking bad or want some guy who makes more money then them, so they need to present themselves a certain way, but the act always falls apart around her friends.. Its funny, because most of the women that tell me they are sober, I can glance through their facebook and find a photo of them recently drinking or something, as if girls night out does not count and if I bring it up, then they feel like they are being held back. Its just crazy, like the modern woman's self esteem has been eroded to the point where they live in this moment to moment place and we as men, are supposed to marry somebody who lives moment to moment? Its just a bad idea.

[preraph]

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

Well outside of America, people have different culture, customs and attitudes.  You saying its ok as long as she doesn't get too out of it, may not apply to a different country and culture. 

Again, they're from the same culture, so apparently drinking is done there.  So if he wants no drinkers, he needs to tell someone up front and forget about trying to change someone to his preferences.   

 

And by the way, INSIDE America, people have different cultures, customs, and attitudes, too.  So if you're trying to make it seem like I'm blind to diversity, you are barking up the wrong country.  America is the most diverse country on earth, by far.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

America is the most diverse country on earth, by far.

Not even close Preraph.  You're actually a mile off having that title.

 

Tanzania, with more than 100 ethnicities  is the second most ethnically diverse country behind Papua New Guinea.    While they may be born in the same countries, their cultures are very different.  https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/most-ethnically-diverse-countries-in-the-world.html

 

You could twist the argument another way with looking at current census data.  Approx 26% of Australian citizens were born overseas compared to only about 14% in the USA.   That said, Australia is not terribly culturally diverse.

 

Or if you're looking at multi cultural, Canada wins that gong.  

 

Here's a handy map.  https://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2013/07/18/the-most-and-least-culturally-diverse-countries-in-the-world/

[snowboy91]

On 12/14/2019 at 8:39 AM, d0nnivain said:

Either agree to disagree about this -- she drinks & you don't or go your separate ways. 

Agree with this.

Ultimately it's up to you - I feel this will be a sore point throughout your relationship should it continue. It's OK for you to not want to drink, and it's OK for her to want to drink.

If she wants to stop drinking it would have to be for her own reasons, not for your sake. And you shouldn't feel like you should need to start drinking for her sake.

[preraph]

What does "born overseas" have to do with it?  Here, we started off with people "born overseas."  We have every type literally been here for generations and more still coming.  

 

We have literally every religion here, because we allow that freedom.  

Edited December 15, 2019 by preraph

[basil67]

14 minutes ago, preraph said:

What does "born overseas" have to do with it?  Here, we started off with people "born overseas."  We have every type literally been here for generations and more still coming.  

 

We have literally every religion here, because we allow that freedom.  

And of the most religiously diverse nations, those in East Asia top the list.

 

There are many, many ways to measure diversity.  Be it language, religion, culture.... You didn't state which measure you used, so I tried to cover all bases.   But of all the data I looked at, the USA didn't come close to topping any of the lists.

 

 

Edited December 15, 2019 by basil67

[preraph]

Nonetheless, we have people who came from every country now living in the US, as well as every type religion they brought with them and then some and immeasurable small sects.  You don't get much more diverse than that.  And yet we have people on here trying to act like we're all alike over here and can't possibly know what diversity and cultural differences are when we struggle with it every day trying to make things work.  

[fromheart]

21 hours ago, preraph said:

 America is the most diverse country on earth, by far.

No, you can't look at the whole world from an American perspective.  Having lived and worked in America, there definitely is a tendency for some Americans to view the world through an American lens and its inaccurate to say the least.

[smackie9]

OK lets get to the brass tax on this. It's pretty obvious the OP came here to see how there is a way for him to deprogram his brain about how he feels about her drinking. Breaking up isn't the solution he is looking for. He's desperate, because he loves her, and has invested 2 years into this relationship...way too much to just give up. His thinking is to try alcohol in hopes it will help with accepting it. Well that's just a slippery slope/ carelessness as we all know. The results will be of regret and more confusion. He can try is to discuss his feelings with his GF and work on a solution that the both can live with. But I'm sure this would be the last step he wants to make because he knows it may be that deal breaker he's so worried about and lose her.

I know this sounds a bit outlandish but leaving a predominantly Muslim country may take the pressure off, and be exposed to a society that is more open about people's choices like drinking, where it is more accepted and common. Getting out of that element will help with the mental transition from repulsiveness to acceptance. I can't really think of anything else that would truly work.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

OK lets get to the brass tax on this.

 

Ohhh...I always thought it was 'brass tacks'.  Like a brass thumb tack.  The proper expression makes far more sense.  

 

Carry on the good work

[smackie9]

hahahaha sorry you are right. it is tacks....Sunday morning, not thinking right. Maybe I have filing my income tax on the brain...it's comin up fast!

Edited December 15, 2019 by smackie9