anne Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Okay, I will try to make this short....About 2 weeks ago I found out that between the months of May-mid August my hubby had been dating other women. One month of this I was at my mothers house which was his idea. We were having problems and he said that it wasn't a seperation, it was just space for him. He said that we needed to work on our problems, and then I could move back around August. He visited me and our daughter every weekend, and we did things like a normal married couple would. I was getting suspicious of an affair, and he said many times that he was doing no such thing. He would even accuse me of dating other men!Well, I moved back as planned, but I grew even more suspicious. He was acting weird, short tempered, and sex was so bad that when we did have sex he wouldn't even be able to finish or go soft on me which is not like him at all. He blames this on being tired and stressed out which is true so I kinda believed him. There where other signs as well that something was not right. Oh, and he puts passwords on everything including his cell. So one day when the password was off, I went through his phone and found several womens numbers and notes on them like what there hobbies are, date ideas, ect..Then I went through his email and found emails to women like "I miss seeing you", "your beautiful" blah, blah. So I called these women. Turns out that he dated these women from Yahoo personals and they were only one dates with each of them. Then the next women I talked to was much more serious. She was more like his girlfriend I guess. But she claims that she was not really that interested in him. She said that he had only kissed her on the cheek, but then she told him that she can't have sex until marriage. By the way she is a 21 year old barely speaking English girl from China that really seems like the sweet non-lying type and I didn't tell her I was his wife. So anyway, hubby admits to all of this after he gets caught without me telling him what any of these ladies told me. He says that the Yahoo personal women were just one time dates. He said partly it was because he wanted to go out and I never wanted to go out (which is true at the time, I was depressed), the other part was that he said he wanted to see how much he could get these ladies to like him, and then not call them again after the first date. I guess to feel manly or something since we have been having marital problems.He said that he wanted to feel attractive. The Chinese girl he said was a very young looking girl that made him feel very young. He said that all they did was hold hands, and make out/touching, in our car. He said that what he wanted to do was do sexual fantasies with her that he was too afraid to ask me (he finally told me what they are), and then dump her. Mind you she is a virgin! He said that for the past year has been getting comments on how old he is (He is only 28 but going to college as an undergrad with very young peers) and he said that it has really been bothering him. Then one time in a fight long ago I made a comment to him that some girl he was making me jealous of would never go out with a guy his age....Well, I guess this hurt him even more. And really, he never told me anything about people making fun of how old he is. Anyway, he said that she made him feel young because she looked young, she was a virgin, and to top it off she wanted him and was attracted to him. The other part, was to do those things to her and then dump her. He said that she meant nothing to him, and that it was just purely for an ego boost like the rest of them, and that he was just going to use her. He admits that he has a problem, and that he would go to counseling. He says that when it seemed like it was getting closer to actually having sex with her, he dumped her because he started to feel guilty.He says that all of the dating stopped the week before I moved back and I believe him based on the emails and what all the women told me. He says he didn't have sex with her or anyone else, and she claims that as well. When he told me all of this it was very difficult for him,and his eyes were very watered over, and it was very difficult for him to hold back the tears. He said that through all our problems, I made him feel bad about how he looked, and that I I seemed bored to sleep with him, as if I only had sex with him because I had to, not because I wanted to. All of this is news is to me, and I really never knew that his ego could bruise so easily. I really feel bad, and I know exactly where I failed as a wife and that is the reason why I am giving him a second chance. But it has been two weeks now, and all of a sudden I cannot keep thinking about how he lied to me so well, on a daily basis for all those months! And he would visit me on the weekends and not even feel bad! He even said that he would go on a date before visiting me and our daughter! And the fact that I had to catch him.I mean, if it was me I would feel so guilty that I would confess after the very first kiss. He said that he was going to tell me a couple of times, but then was afraid that since things were going so well (in his head) he didn't want to ruin it. So I am wondering now.....maybe he is lying about sleeping with her? I mean she says that she wanted to wait until marriage, but she could have been lying to me. He says the same thing, but he could be lying to me.... But then again he did admit to the making out, when the woman I talked to claims that he only kissed her on the cheek. It also seems to me like he really lacks self-esteem and was living a double life which really scares me....makes me think that he really is more capable of lying to me about sleeping with someone else. How can I tell if he is lying? This is driving me insane. If he really did sleep with someone else and is lying to me than I really DO NOT want to give him a second chance at all. He even told me that if he did do those things with her than he probably wouldn't tell me later. Also another thing that makes me think he slept with someone else is that he prefers to be on top now when he hasn't done that in a year! His excuse is that he wants sex to be the way it used to be with us. Please advice, thoughts, all comments welcome! Thanks.
HotCaliGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 He said that through all our problems, I made him feel bad about how he looked, and that I I seemed bored to sleep with him, as if I only had sex with him because I had to, not because I wanted to. All of this is news is to me, and I really never knew that his ego could bruise so easily.I really feel bad, and I know exactly where I failed as a wife and that is the reason why I am giving him a second chance. Talk about reverse psychology!!! He dates a bunch of women, and he conveniently blames it on you! He had never told you he wasn't happy about anything, so instead of discussing it with you, he tells you to go away for a month so he can so conveniently sleep with an endless number of women to have his fantasies fulfilled~ but he has the balls to blame it on you, that it's because you failed as a wife...Make sure both of you get tested for STDs by the way, if you haven't already. How can I tell if he is lying? This is driving me insane. If he really did sleep with someone else and is lying to me than I really DO NOT want to give him a second chance at all. He even told me that if he did do those things with her than he probably wouldn't tell me later. You've already caught him in several lies - he would go out with a girl, then come out to be with you and act normal about it. He said he made out with the Chinese girl, but the Chinese girl said he only kissed her on the cheek and supposedly she's a virgin... the question is how many lies is it going to take for you to realize what you don't want to realize? In court, it only takes one lie and everything else you say has no credibility... Also, the fact that he now prefers a different sexual position, and doesn't perform well like before - getting nervous then too soft etc. is an obvious indication that he's been having sex with those other girls. Since he suggested counseling, then let him go to counseling if you are able to forgive him and try to repair things, but it's hard if he is lying, you will always wonder whether or not he is telling you the truth about something.
BadBadGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 no offense to the original poster, but i might have done what her husband did too. i mean, look at the post. look how detailed and the word-by-word by account of what was said and how his faces looked and how she believes him. can you imagine someone constantly talking to you like that, every day? analyzing you like that, everyday? i know no one wants to say this, but sometimes wives don't give their husbands what their husbands want or need. it happens. and yes, sometimes the other way around also. just because you get married doesn't mean you're happy forever. you may have pledged to, but guess what? things do change. it sucks, but that's life. maybe she really makes him miserable, maybe she's not a very good wife. of course she will say she is, but maybe she's not. maybe they don't just don't work well anymore, their needs changed, their priorities changed, whatever. maybe he just outgrew her, even mentally. i am not saying that cheating is okay, i am just saying i can kind of understand why people do it in spite of it being wrong. it seems like every person on this whole website is saying "cheating is bad! cheating is the worst thing you can ever do and you're a terrible person." okay, well it is bad, and yeah maybe for some people it's the worst thing that can be done to them, but terrible person? people need to relax a little bit. a lot of the things we say we would neeeeeeeever, we've honestly already done. it's usually not just one person's fault, but the couples--both parties are guilty of something wrong. there isn't always a "victim" in cheating. i mean, come on, "it was all news to her" that she didn't seem very interested in sex anymore? she knows it's not just him. he shouldn't have cheated, but if he was happy, he probably wouldn't have. her pretending she's not doing anything differently is inaccurate information, and the denial isn't helping either. and i don't believe it when he says he hasn't had sex with any of them. you didn't tell the girls you were his wife; they aren't going to tell a complete stranger about their sex lives.
Author anne Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 Thanks for the response. Yeah, he did say many times that he was unhappy before I moved to my moms. Kept telling me how he wanted things to change, but I never changed. But he never said anything about feeling bad about himself....and he never said I failed as a wife. That is just how I feel. I always new that he might leave me, but I never knew he would do this instead of leaving me. Things for the last 2 weeks have been better, and we both realize our faults. Not just me. He calls me up from work and school just to "check in", and he seems to be patient with my daily questions about what happened and he seems to answer them without any signs of irratability at all. Your right about the lying though. I guess I am just in denial or something. I have been with him for 5 years, and he's my best-friend as well, and I am just still shocked I guess. I am just in a state where I want to believe this is fixable. I want to believe everything he says. I have always trusted him before in the past. Now I am questioning other things from the past.
Author anne Posted October 3, 2005 Author Posted October 3, 2005 Yeah, I do admit that I was not a perfect wife at times. And honestly if it wasn't for me finding all this out, than I would have never realized just how bad he was feeling. Still, he never shared his sexual fantasies with me (and I am accomodating when asked), secondly he never mentioned anything about feeling old. Third, I made one comment about a woman being too young for him and the only reason why I said that was because he was bragging about her for a month straight. Obviously we have some communication problems huh? And lastly, I was seriously depressed for several months and he was never there for me. Told me I was making it up, called me names, never helped out with our daughter. I became worse to a point where I couldn't even take my daugher to the park, and he did nothing except get mad at me. Turns out that the month I started therapy was the same month he started seeing this young girl. Then he boots me off to my mom's just when therapy starts to kick in. God....now I'm getting mad again....But he realizes all this and apologizes for straying when I needed him the most. That is why I wasn't feeling sexual for awhile, because I was depressed. I guess he took it as, I was depressed to be with him. He cannot believe that I can be depressed about alot of things that have nothing to do with him... The sleeping with other women thing just makes me sick though. Honestly, can a man/person really lie about something like that and not feel guilty? Since all of this came to the surface we have been having sex with no problems at all. I mean, if he really did have sex with other women, than how can he perform so well now? Thanks for all the comments.
li'l bunny Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 no offense to the original poster, but i might have done what her husband did too. i mean, look at the post. look how detailed and the word-by-word by account of what was said and how his faces looked and how she believes him. can you imagine someone constantly talking to you like that, every day? analyzing you like that, everyday? i know no one wants to say this, but sometimes wives don't give their husbands what their husbands want or need. it happens. and yes, sometimes the other way around also. just because you get married doesn't mean you're happy forever. you may have pledged to, but guess what? things do change. it sucks, but that's life. maybe she really makes him miserable, maybe she's not a very good wife. of course she will say she is, but maybe she's not. maybe they don't just don't work well anymore, their needs changed, their priorities changed, whatever. maybe he just outgrew her, even mentally. i am not saying that cheating is okay, i am just saying i can kind of understand why people do it in spite of it being wrong. Look, I may be really behind the times here but I thought the whole point og getting married was to be there for your spouse. Not when you get bored or they're not fulfilling all your desires to go and find someone else! She was depressed, which means he should do what he can to help out, she should get help herself too. But you do not go out and betray her bby dating other women. I mean, come on! It wasn't just one!! It was quite a few from the sounds of it. If it were me I would....I can't even say what I would do! He's made you look like a fool and betrayed your trust completely. Even if he NEVER slept with any of these women, the fact that he even went out with them in the first place is bad enough. And to do it over and over again!! Seriously, I don't care how much you are at fault or if you didn't have sex with him for three hundred years he has no right to do that. He talks to you. He should have enough respect for you and your marriage to talk to you. To say, listen I have a problem... I would say, leave him. But you know him better than anyone else so if you think you can trust him again, I think you should try. You are a family afterall.
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 If you want to repair your marriage, he needs to stop dating and interacting with other women COMPLETELY, or he needs to get divorced. There is no way to repair a marriage with someone who is actively looking outside of it for someone else - REGARDLESS of the reason. Let me tell you this much. There is a 99.99% chance he has slept around. The first "truth" in revealing an affair is NEVER the first truth. He'll only tell you as much as he knows he could get away with. You have no chance of knowing the actual truth from him right now. None. All you can do is set up two appointments: one for your gynocologist for a full STD screening, and another to a marriage counselor. I see nothing short of some good, solid marriage counseling that will help your situation. There is so much the two of you need to say to each other and so much that the two of you need to listen and hear what the other person needs for you hear - even if you and he don't want to hear them. An objective third party will be able to help the two of you communicate to each other what led you here, and will help you individually and together figure out if there is anything left in your marriage to repair.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 it seems like every person on this whole website is saying "cheating is bad! cheating is the worst thing you can ever do and you're a terrible person." okay, well it is bad, and yeah maybe for some people it's the worst thing that can be done to them, but terrible person? people need to relax a little bit. a lot of the things we say we would neeeeeeeever, we've honestly already done. Well, since you put it like that, maybe we should cannonize the guy. i mean, look at the post. look how detailed and the word-by-word by account of what was said and how his faces looked and how she believes him. can you imagine someone constantly talking to you like that, every day? analyzing you like that, everyday? Living with a LIAR tends to have that kind of effect on a person. Makes them less trusting somehow. Go figure. it's usually not just one person's fault, but the couples--both parties are guilty of something wrong. there isn't always a "victim" in cheating. i mean, come on, "it was all news to her" that she didn't seem very interested in sex anymore? she knows it's not just him. he shouldn't have cheated, but if he was happy, he probably wouldn't have. her pretending she's not doing anything differently is inaccurate information, and the denial isn't helping either. There is ZERO excuse for cheating. The guy had other options. There's NOTHING that makes his behavior acceptable. In this day and age, when STD's are potentially LETHAL....he had no right whatsoever to jeopardize his wife's life, to possibly orphan his daughter. There's only ONE reason that guys go to these interactive online sights. I don't think any of us have to be rocket scientists to see what that's about. It remains to be seen if he actually went through with it or not. It's still possible that he didn't. One month is not much time to get a potential paramour into the sack, not from an online venue anyway. I would imagine that it would take at least a modicum of time in order to convince your mark that you're for real. That said, you have no way of knowing how long he was at it, BEFORE he asked you to move out. Or, if he lucked in to any really stupid girls. I think it would be wise to get tested as HotCaliGirl suggested. He'll be highly p*ssed off if he's innocent that you don't trust him. But it's not as if he's never lied to you before, is it? It's okay for you to recognize the mistakes that you made in the relationship, Anne. But the fact that you made mistakes in no way mitigates his. He's responsible for what he did. Now it's important that you hold him accountable for them. If he's unwilling to be "an open book", if he's not willing to do whatever is necessary to rebuild your trust.....then you'll spend the rest of your marriage wondering if he's honest. What's more, if there is no cost involved....how will he ever be able to EARN your respect again? That's as important for him as it is for you. He needs an opportunity to win you back by "fixing" what he did wrong. Now, the reality is....he can NEVER pay you back for the hurt that he's caused you. He took a pound of flesh from your very soul. But, what he CAN do is to look at his end of the relationship prior to his affair behavior, take responsibility for whatever he finds, and correct it. For example, if he was a conflict avoider, it's time to learn good communication techniques. If he was having difficulty managing his emotions, it's time to get them in order. Are you really sure you want this guy back, btw.? Now is a PERFECT time to extricate yourself from the marriage. You don't have to obey the knee-jerk reaction that wants you to fix this. You could walk away now....and it would be no less than what he deserves.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 ....I found out that between the months of May-mid August my hubby had been dating other women. One month of this I was at my mothers house which was his idea. Oooops! I misread this and only caught the "one month" part. He had PLENTY of time. Think seriously about getting tested. Some STD's could threaten your future fertility. Others can threaten your LIFE.
BadBadGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Look, I may be really behind the times here but I thought the whole point og getting married was to be there for your spouse. Not when you get bored or they're not fulfilling all your desires to go and find someone else! She was depressed, which means he should do what he can to help out, she should get help herself too. But you do not go out and betray her bby dating other women. I mean, come on! It wasn't just one!! It was quite a few from the sounds of it. If it were me I would....I can't even say what I would do! He's made you look like a fool and betrayed your trust completely. Even if he NEVER slept with any of these women, the fact that he even went out with them in the first place is bad enough. And to do it over and over again!! Seriously, I don't care how much you are at fault or if you didn't have sex with him for three hundred years he has no right to do that. He talks to you. He should have enough respect for you and your marriage to talk to you. To say, listen I have a problem... I would say, leave him. But you know him better than anyone else so if you think you can trust him again, I think you should try. You are a family afterall. Look, it's more complicated than him just being a bad husband. it isn't as simple as him "getting bored and fulfilling his desires" because his wife is not. and if she is depressed....okay. it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with a depressed person. not impossible, but difficult. a lot of times, we don't know how strong we are or what we can take until a situation arises and afords to opportunity to see the outcome. sometimes you're find out you're not as strong as you would like to be. it happens. people are simply not infallible, and this includes both parties. and i think the notion of "being there for your spouse" is lost, for the most part. it's nice to think it's all lovey-dovey fairy-tale, and of course, you want to be with someone you at least like, but marriage is really more all about "you" than anything else.
BadBadGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Living with a LIAR tends to have that kind of effect on a person. Makes them less trusting somehow. Go figure. my point is, you don't know this woman. for all you know, her behavior may have been a long time ago. you automatically assume that the guy is at fault here, with no consequences for the wife, because the big bad cheater just waived his right to complain. i don't think that's fair. people come here looking for support, i understand that, but i don't see how feeding her head with nastiness about her husband and crucifying this man we don't know can be healthy, or supportive. she isn't completely innocent just because she is not the one who cheated.
Ladyjane14 Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Unless their was a loophole in their marriage vows which give him permission to DATE OTHER WOMEN.....then the guy has NO EXCUSE for his behavior. Marriage is a contract. That guy broke it. She can elect to forgive him or not. It's her choice. She can elect to enter into a new agreement or not. She doesn't owe him another chance.
li'l bunny Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Look, it's more complicated than him just being a bad husband. it isn't as simple as him "getting bored and fulfilling his desires" because his wife is not. and if she is depressed....okay. it is extremely difficult to maintain a relationship with a depressed person. not impossible, but difficult. a lot of times, we don't know how strong we are or what we can take until a situation arises and afords to opportunity to see the outcome. sometimes you're find out you're not as strong as you would like to be. it happens. people are simply not infallible, and this includes both parties. and i think the notion of "being there for your spouse" is lost, for the most part. it's nice to think it's all lovey-dovey fairy-tale, and of course, you want to be with someone you at least like, but marriage is really more all about "you" than anything else. I'm not saying the husband is completely at fault for the reasons behind the affair but he is completely at fault for having an affair. He should have enough respect for his wife to talk to her. He blatantly went behind her back and dated....I mean it wasn't even a case of being drawn to someone else, not being able to help it yadda, yadda, yadda.... He actually went looking for these girls. He sounds like a pr*ck to me. It sounds like he was quite happy to have an excuse that their marriage was going down hill so he could use it to behave appallingly. I am married and I like to think that if my hubby ever had a problem he would come to me. Even if he was in love with someone else I doubt he would ever cheat on me, he would have the decency to leave me first.
BadBadGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 He blatantly went behind her back and dated....I mean it wasn't even a case of being drawn to someone else, not being able to help it yadda, yadda, yadda.... He actually went looking for these girls. He sounds like a pr*ck to me. It sounds like he was quite happy to have an excuse that their marriage was going down hill so he could use it to behave appallingly. see, that to me is the bigger problem...the fact that he is actively seeking several distractions from his wife. it probably doesn't feel any better for someone to cheat on you because they found love elsewhere, but he's not even doing that. he's just looking for something, anything else...and actually searching for it. i don't think he was "quite happy" to have an excuse...i just think he is very unhappy with his wife. he found his escape, which unfortunately hurt his wife's feelings and compromised her trust,
Lil Honey Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 A portion of the topic's title: "it was only making out" In my mind, that's like saying, "Gas is ONLY $3.29 a gallon," or "That house is ONLY $900K." The only reason he came clean is because you caught him. Now, he's blaming it on YOU? Okay, marriage IS a two-way street, but where is his sense of communication, not to mention morality? Is he treating YOU the way you treat him? Did he give you the benefit of the doubt - and a second chance - when you supposedly started taking him for granted? If he uses the I-wanted-to-feel-young excuse now, what's he going to say when he's . . . gulp . . . 30? ? ? ?
BadBadGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 A portion of the topic's title: "it was only making out" If he uses the I-wanted-to-feel-young excuse now, what's he going to say when he's . . . gulp . . . 30? ? ? ? he "swore" it was only making out. the "i want to feel young" excuse is not a good one. there are other things to do to make you feel young that certainly do not have anything to do with extramarital sex. but i think it's much more than that. to me, what i gather from this is that he feels like she is holding him back from something, maybe they're just not compatible anymore, and instead of doing the right thing, he is acting on it in a way that is not beneficial to either of them or to the progression of their marriage. if he's not 30 yet, he's still fairly young...and you don't always truly know what you want when you're young. unfortunately, some people find out that what they thought they wanted or used to want, they don't want anymore.
Lil Honey Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Ahhh . . . yes . . . someone who swears to be telling the truth after not being forthcoming to begin with . . . oh, I believe him now . . . because he "swears" by his word . . . IF he feels that she is holding him back, then he should have TOLD her, not run off to "only make out" with someone else. THAT isn't solving the problem. And I'd be curious to know HIS definition of "making out." I wonder if HE would be so forgiving if his wife did the same thing to HIM. I KNOW he's "fairly young," which was my point. He IS young. So, if he's feeling old now and doesn't know how to handle himself, how is he going to behave when he is in his 40s, 50s, 60s, etc? Frankly, if what he has isn't what he wants, he CAN make a choice. He doesn't HAVE to sneak around and bring hurt (and worse) home to his wife.
BadBadGirl Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Ahhh . . . yes . . . someone who swears to be telling the truth after not being forthcoming to begin with . . . oh, I believe him now . . . because he "swears" by his word . . . IF he feels that she is holding him back, then he should have TOLD her, not run off to "only make out" with someone else. THAT isn't solving the problem. And I'd be curious to know HIS definition of "making out." I wonder if HE would be so forgiving if his wife did the same thing to HIM. I KNOW he's "fairly young," which was my point. He IS young. So, if he's feeling old now and doesn't know how to handle himself, how is he going to behave when he is in his 40s, 50s, 60s, etc? Frankly, if what he has isn't what he wants, he CAN make a choice. He doesn't HAVE to sneak around and bring hurt (and worse) home to his wife. i am agreeing he should have told her first, but he didn't, and it's too late now. this happens often, even though it shouldn't. and i do think he was lying when swore on the "making out only" bit. please. but in a perfect world, everyone would consider every person's feelings and think before speaking or acting in regard to every single thing. rarely does anyone actually do this....for the most part, things just happen and we put off worrying about the consequences for as long as we can, and this is for more than just cheating. i also meant, since he's young, maybe it's better that he figure out for sure what it is he wants now rather than continuing to do this to her and to their marriage until they are 40, 50, 60. i don't think you and i are on totally opposite pages, actually.
BadBadGirl Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 We aren't. I just misinterpreted your words. haha, no problem.
New_Wife Posted October 4, 2005 Posted October 4, 2005 I don't think it really matters what he did or didn't do at this point, other than the obvious safety issues of STD's, which you'll want to get screened for. What I read loud and clear is that you two are headed down a bad road. There's rarely ever one person who is the "guilty" party and even more rare is one who is totally "innocent." You know what your part was - whether it's what you posted, or if there is more. Odds are, he knows what his part is too, whether he wants to fess up to every nitty gritty detail or not. What I think is crucial here - is that the man wants counseling, so he seems to want your marriage to work. If you do too, it seems to me that counseling is really the only answer. You can drive yourself nuts trying to uncover every last detail - but what will that really get you? If you both go to counseling, are completely forthcoming about your expectations, dissappointments, fears, and hopes for this marriage - you have a better chance. Who's right, who's wrong - that's for sports events and political debates. You should figure out what works and what doesn't. Try to get back in touch with each other, and see where you can go from here.
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