mortensorchid Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 For the last few weeks/months I have been seeing this guy. See previous threada for more information on it, he's a keeper. At least, I think he is so far. We have a certain routine already - usually see him on Thursday night, then every other Saturday (when he doesn't have his kids). I had been somewhat curious and I did ask him if he had been with anyone since his divorce. He said he hadn't which I suspected. I am concerned since this is his first relationship since the divorce. I don't feel it's a rebound but I have some anxiety that it is at times. I mean we're both full blown adults and it's just ridiculous to have silly insecurities like I am 16, but I think it's legit, isn't it?
FMW Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 Doesn't matter if we're 16 or 86, we have insecurities. Some people connect and have a lasting relationship with the first person they get involved with following a divorce, they don't need or want to date around. Just don't rush things and keep your eyes open. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 All you can do is take it one day at a time and let things unfold naturally. Overthinking can cause negative changes to your behavior in the relationship, which can then cause a downward spiral. Your attitude has to be, "I am happy and awesome no matter what." All this is easier said than done, but when you feel yourself moving away from this mindset, do your best to steer back to it.
alphamale Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 mortensorchid have you two talked about exclusivity yet?
Ruby Slippers Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 How long since his divorce was official?
chillii Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 (edited) Hiya mc , really nice to hear things have been going nice. Few thing s, like how long since his divorce , been asked l know, and what sort of shape is he in emotionally , like is he ok , all good, or still in a bad way orrrrr, how did he feel about the divorce was it him or her ? All this stuff comes into things after divorce , but the time thing is a biggie, like 3 or 4 yrs and even if it was her and he was a mess , he could be on the mend ok by then and feel ok about something new. The other thing is , if he is in a good place , the fact that your his first maybe serious thing , that's ok , maybe he's just very selective like me and didn't meet anyone he's really interested in before this. l didn't start anything with anyone until 3 1/2 yrs when the right girl popped up , l knew exactly what l was doing , l didn't want anything before then and no one before her interested me. So it all depends on all this type of stuff and the big picture really. And all this stuff you guys would've talked about anyway , so just think about all that sort of thing and of course how he is with you and whether he seems fully into it and his feelings , or does he more like in rebound or convenience . lf that was the cas eyou'd probably pick it because he'd be more like just going through the motions and generally not really seeming that into it. Good luck anyway Edited December 13, 2019 by chillii 1
nospam99 Posted December 14, 2019 Posted December 14, 2019 MO, I am a 'hopeless romantic'. You are one of the LSers whose 'story arc' I've noticed. I remember, prior to you reconnecting with this 'old friend', a series of posts from you about romantic disappointments. That, and you came across as having a pretty negative attitude. Then you reconnected with this guy and you've been positive and happy. While there are no guarantees in this life, so far it sounds great. Yes, it's ridiculous to have insecurities like you're 16. Of course it's a kind of rebound. BUT just because it's a rebound doesn't mean it's not 'real' .... and permanent. Play out your hand and cherish your happiness. And remember, (IMHO) there is no 'higher power' in the universe mandating that all rebounds are ephemeral. 1
preraph Posted December 14, 2019 Posted December 14, 2019 It's hard not to get insecure at some points. You have to step back and try not to blurt something out and just restrain yourself long enough to think it through before you say something startling. I am guilty of that myself. I thought I grew out of it, but I did not last I checked. You just have to think about what's rational. If it's rational to have a talk, wait until you're both calm and have a talk. If it's just coming from fear, restrain yourself.
ChatroomHero Posted December 14, 2019 Posted December 14, 2019 Mortens, I have read a lot of your threads. I have to ask, do you want to be happy or do you find comfort in looking for/expecting something bad to happen? Do you ever say, I had a great day, things are going well, I'll just be happy? The reason I ask is it sure seems like sometimes you look for the turd in every punch bowl even if the punch is delicious. If there isn't one, you seem to slowly create one. What you are asking here is everything is great, everything looks good, but is this guy going to be a bust because you are the first since his divorce. Know what? If you were his 2nd or 3rd or 4th or 100th, I have a feeling you would be here asking, "If I am the 3rd person he has been with since his divorce, does that mean...[insert bad assumption here] ?" Look, there is no way to know if he will use you as a rebound, dump you tomorrow, dump you in 2 years, or be with you forever...but if you don't stop looking for the "show stopper" with guys you come across, you're going to create one without even knowing it. I would say it sounds like this guy is great in your opinion, why not just try to enjoy the ride and be happy to be happy? Why not wake up tomorrow and say, "I'm happy" and then go on and be, well, happy? You really seem like sometimes you are seeking to sabotage an otherwise perfect relationship and this sounds like the first volley. I'd say don't do that. 1
elaine567 Posted December 14, 2019 Posted December 14, 2019 10 hours ago, alphamale said: mortensorchid have you two talked about exclusivity yet? I am not sure if they are having sex. Previous thread about how he declined the offer to stay one night. 10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: How long since his divorce was official? He divorced last year.
Eternal Sunshine Posted December 14, 2019 Posted December 14, 2019 I don't think being realistic is being negative. There are certain flags here (no sex) from the previous thread. I think it's legit for MO to be "negative" because she has had crappy luck with men for many years. If anything, she is positive because she hasn't given up yet. Just because this situation is more positive than the previous ones (which have nearly always been instant rejections), doesn't mean that everything is great.
ChatroomHero Posted December 15, 2019 Posted December 15, 2019 On 12/14/2019 at 3:58 AM, Eternal Sunshine said: I don't think being realistic is being negative. There are certain flags here (no sex) from the previous thread. I think it's legit for MO to be "negative" because she has had crappy luck with men for many years. If anything, she is positive because she hasn't given up yet. Just because this situation is more positive than the previous ones (which have nearly always been instant rejections), doesn't mean that everything is great. Yeah, but if you go looking for something bad you will always find it or find a reason to justify it in your mind as a red flag. If you overthink things and go in expecting them, you will always come to the conclusion that they are red flags. If she has had many years of crappy luck, I would say what I think most people say to guys in the same situation- What's the common denominator? Is it just some crazy luck or is it something she is doing...like maybe acting differently, apprehensive, closed off, hard to gain her trust, etc., that is pushing people away because she is filtering and pre-judging on potential red flags. In this case it seems like she is trying to make something a red flag. Like I posted earlier, if she was the 3rd person he dated since his divorce, she would ask is he going to be a serial dater because of his divorce. If she was the 2nd person he had dated since the divorce, she would ask if that means the first one was a rebound so does he jump into things too quickly...so in her mind the fact that he ever dates at all post divorce will somehow be a red flag. The only conclusion you could ever come to until something happens is, yeah, maybe he's not ready or on the rebound or could disappear...or maybe not. I just think she needs to not overthink it and judge him on his actions and not on things she can never predict.
Watercolors Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 MO is this the same guy you've posted about in multiple threads? You two met in September. You tried to initiate sex and he declined. You only see him 2 x a week at the maximum. Otherwise, he's cancelled on you at the last minute to go Christmas shopping instead of attend a party with you as your boyfriend. No "I Love Yous," no sex, no discussion with each other as to where this connection you have is going. Seems like this has way too many red flags to be considered a healthy relationship, since it's not even a relationship by relationship standards. Divorced dad or not, if he wanted something serious with you -- the first woman he's met since his divorce -- he would tell you point blank. No guess work needed on your end. I'm sorry you are struggling to define this connection with this guy, here. That in itself is a red flag. I think you should just call him today or tomorrow. You don't need to have the "where is this going?" conversation over a romantic dinner in person. Plus, if you are nervous about asking him, the phone will be a good buffer for your anxiety since you two can't see each other's faces. But if you don't call him this weekend, I am afraid you will postpone "the talk" because you may already know the answer -- that despite 4 months of seeing him off/on, and texting, everything that you need to qualify for a relationship with a man just isn't here with this guy. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLGVQdApWfY&feature=emb_title 2
dramallama Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLGVQdApWfY&feature=emb_title That's a really excellent video. I really hope OP can watch it and say 'nope', 'nope', 'nope' etc. Do watch it though, OP. Are there special moments you can recount that rebut the signs to reassure yourself about what's going on here? So for example - the bit in that video about a guy not being able to take his eyes off you - mine woke me up stroking my face in the middle of the night because he'd been watching me sleep (ok yeah get the sick bucket, clean up on aisle 5...). And no he wasn't being a sex pest Did that video make you uncomfortable or happy? 1
Watercolors Posted December 21, 2019 Posted December 21, 2019 2 hours ago, dramallama said: That's a really excellent video. I really hope OP can watch it and say 'nope', 'nope', 'nope' etc. Do watch it though, OP. Are there special moments you can recount that rebut the signs to reassure yourself about what's going on here? So for example - the bit in that video about a guy not being able to take his eyes off you - mine woke me up stroking my face in the middle of the night because he'd been watching me sleep (ok yeah get the sick bucket, clean up on aisle 5...). And no he wasn't being a sex pest Did that video make you uncomfortable or happy? I love this video because it encompasses the 15 most common ways guys demonstrate they're not really interested. Who hasn't experienced some of them, you know? 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 22, 2019 Posted December 22, 2019 Great video ... Aimed at women ... but totally fits what I've learned the hard way about determining if a woman was really into me. 1
Watercolors Posted December 22, 2019 Posted December 22, 2019 5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: Great video ... Aimed at women ... but totally fits what I've learned the hard way about determining if a woman was really into me. Exactly. I think it applies to both men and women as far as how people indirectly express their disinterest in the person they're dating. If only people just told each other the truth. Then we wouldn't need these dating coaches to help us decipher what the other person means when that person refuses to just respect the other person's feelings and tell them the truth. 1
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