A disappointing wedding

[CaraGrace]

I got married 2 weeks ago. It was a garden ceremony followed by dinner reception. We intended to keep it small and only invited family and relatives, around 60+ guests in total. And we had 4 of our friends as the bridesmaids and groomsmen. 

 

For the past year, I was the one who did most of the planning and preparation. We didn't hire a wedding planner since I am a professional event manager myself and our wedding is rather small in scope. I had always thought I could handle it, with some help from my bridesmaids. But I didn't expect that my bridesmaids were so out of reach that except for the time I chose, bought and altered their dresses with them, they never gave timely response. So I stopped bothering them and only sent them the rundown just a month before my wedding. I did as much as I could so that they could enjoy themselves instead of being too busy helping me out. But it just turned out nothing like I expected.

 

#1: 10 guests from his side suddenly decided not to come

Two weeks before my wedding, a bunch of 10 relatives from my husband's side who were supposed to fly here from another country suddenly changed their mind and told us that they're not coming. I was upset, a bit angry to be honest, and I also wondered how to deal with the 10 seats and food... I didn't know if I should make use of the 10 seats to invite some friends but it seemed too short notice and not respectful. I think it's reasonable enough for me to turn to my bridesmaids for some support and suggestion. But just as the same as how they have not been keen on responding, one of them just didn't say anything, and the other said it's fair enough that the relatives were not flying back and that I should be considerate (even if they only told us 2 weeks before wedding??)

 

#2: more guests from his side didn't come, only 20 out of 60 seats were seated

I knew that some of my relatives would not come to the ceremony but only the dinner, so I have asked them to rsvp to the 2 events separately, and confirmed that there would be 10 people attending the ceremony and then all of them would attend the dinner. I asked my husband to do the same, and that I really needed a confirmed guest list, but he just kept saying that it's not possible to get their answers, and told me to assume all of them would attend the ceremony. There were 35 people on his side, and after deducting the 10 people overseas who suddenly decided not to come, there should be 25 people then. And I had gave up the thought of using the remaining seats to invite friends since I thought it was not respectful to invite them only 2 weeks before wedding. So I accepted that there would be some empty seats but at least more than half of the seats should be occupied. But only at the time I walked down the aisle that I realized there were less than 10 guests from his side. Is that ok for me to say that I was truly disappointed and angry? I had asked my husband so many times that his relatives should rsvp because this outcome was exactly what I wanted to avoid, but he still doesn't understand why I am upset. I told him if we knew it earlier that we would have so many seats left, I could have invited some friends, especially those who have long time ago asked me to invite them to my wedding. 

 

#3: no one was there to assist me

Bridesmaids had not been responsive during the planning process. I gave up on asking them questions and also tried to keep their role/duty as simple as possible. I didn't even dare to ask them to meet up for rehearsal. So I was the one who was always busy monitoring everything, making sure everything was on time, tasks were taken care of etc. At first I planned to have one of the bridesmaids staying close to me in case I needed help, but when the other bridesmaid said that it was too much for her to greet the guests by herself (+1 groomsman actually), I let them all stay at the garden and I was then on my own in my room. I have created a whatsapp group including them, husband and myself so that we could update each other whether people/things were ready. Before ceremony I was doing makeup in my room and was supposed to head to the garden once everybody there were ready. But then planned ceremony start time had passed and still no news from people at the garden. I texted to ask if I should go down now, no response. So I went down anyway just to found out everybody was still waiting for husband's mother to come down from her room. I was on my heels, nowhere to sit down, had to hide from the sight of the guests before marching in. More than 10 min that I waited there. So during the time I was in my room asking whether everybody in the garden were ready so that I could come down, and no one answered me, what were they doing and thinking? I believe they were just happily mingling at the garden, and no one even thought of me once. 

 

#4: no one has ever asked if I was ready, wrong march in music, missing bouquet

I texted everyone that once husband's mother arrived, someone please bring the flower girl (my 1-year-old niece) to the entrance. I wanted her to stay with her mum until the moment when ceremony was really ready to start. So there I waited for the flower girl, with my father already there with me. Suddenly music was on, and I heard "let us welcome the bride". I was shocked, and I wasn't ready. Flower girl wasn't there, bridesmaids out of sight. I just whispered to venue staff "where is the flower girl?" even though I knew it's not their responsibility. It was then I was told flower girl was too shy to walk down the aisle and so we would go straight to the bride.  

 

I didn't mind that my niece couldn't do it since she's only 1 yr old and that I had expected that, but what made me upset was no one even cared to inform me about that and just suddenly asked me to march in without knowing whether I was ready. Of course I was not ready because I was waiting for my niece! And the music that was playing was the march in music for the flower girl, not for the bride! THAT WAS NOT MY MARCH IN MUSIC! And during the whole time, I really didn't know where the bridesmaids were. I have asked them to stand next to me but they were not there. So no one kept my bouquet after I marched in (it was the venue manager who took it from me when I had to start exchanging vows). And when I marched out, no surprise, no one gave me back my bouquet.

 

I just couldn't really take it easy when I had done so many things on my own, but they couldn't even do the one thing that I asked them to do. I don't want to be so negative and bitter but really, as the bride, how can I not be upset/angry.

[RecentChange]

Sorry things did not got as you had hoped.

 

My only advice is to try not to dwell on it, and instead focus on the happy parts. What is done is done - water under the bridge and now you and your husband have your whole lives in front of you. 

 

I have yet to read any "wedding stories" that have caused an once of regret that my husband and I eloped in Vegas. 

[preraph]

Sorry it wasn't what you hoped it would be.  All I can tell you is not everyone thinks bridesmaids are supposed to help out.  I've been Maid of Honor twice and I didn't have duties, just one outing to pick out material.  (The dress fit terribly, by the way -- no fitting offered beforehand - -I couldn't even breathe).  I think you expected too much of your friends and a wedding just isn't as big a deal to them as it is to you, an event planner!   Already discussed the ones you picked on your other thread, that maybe you should have chosen more current friends, but who knows if they would have been better.  It's just not anyone's wedding but you and your husband and your parents, really.  

 

I don't know how far away the other country was that you thought his relatives would fly in from, but most people have jobs and not enough money to be spending too much doing something like that.  And most people would rather spend time away from work doing something like a day off or vacation, realistically, unless it's their own kid getting married.  I do think your husband didn't try hard enough to get honest answers out of them and that probably the person to put on that task would have been his mother or whoever's relatives it was.  And of course, they'd need to rsvp BEFORE whatever your deadline is on paying for the food and all that, but they have to know they must do that.  And if they haven't, then you take away their place on the list.  If they rsvped way ahead of time in writing, then it was indeed rude of them to not follow through, but my guess is they probably all said they'd try to come and needed to be asked personally if they really were before your pay deadline on the event.  There will always be some who just aren't considerate, no matter whose family it is.  It would be your husand or his parents' place to let you know who you shouldn't invite for that reason.  

 

Anyway,  move past it.  Even when a wedding goes well, it's a year of planning and a decade of expense and one quick night and it's over.  That's why I was always more open to eloping.  

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear that, and your husband's relatives sound truly inconsiderate. That being said:

 

- I think you're focusing on the wrong things entirely. I know the whole bridal industry craze can really suck you in sometimes (I got married just over a year ago), but you need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you and your husband happily married? If you are, the goal of your wedding was achieved.

 

- Stop blaming your bridesmaids. Again, I understand that it's common in bridal advice columns to suggest relying on your bridesmaids help for the wedding, but just stop and think about what exactly that means. It means that you are expecting your friends to play the role of a wedding coordinator and wedding planner for free. Is that something that friends do to friends? IMO you have two choices: either hire an actual day-of-wedding coordinator, or be willing to accept that some things will go wrong.

 

H and I hired a day-of-coordinator even though our wedding was smaller than yours, and it was the budget item that actually made the most difference on the day.

 

Anyway, I suggest that you move forward and focus on your marriage. The wedding is only one day, there is still the rest of your lives.

[d0nnivain]

You dream of the perfect wedding & when things go wrong it can be heartbreaking.  A bunch of bad stuff happened at my wedding too.  The limo company forgot to pick up my parents; wedding was delayed by 45 minutes.  I hated my dress & burst into tears the 1st time I saw photos of it.  I didn't get many of the pictures I wanted.  The neighbor photobombed more then 1/2 of the pictures & ruined them.  The priest got my husband's name wrong.  The DJ got my husband's name wrong.  DH's grandmother died 2 weeks before the wedding.  Many of his relatives skipped our wedding because they could only afford to travel for one thing, the funeral or the wedding & they picked the funeral. My uncle died ON the day of the wedding.   None of DH's friends came. Not one.  I was so hurt for him.   My MOH was useless & her phone went off twice during my ceremony. The cake was ugly.  

 

But you know what?  I've been married to a great guy for 11  years & that is what matters.  The upset you feel about these details will fade over time.  

Edited December 12, 2019 by d0nnivain

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It's rude to not attend a wedding you've RSVPd yes to, without a damn good excuse, like illness.  Simply deciding not to, as a group of 10, is really rude.  I'm sorry they did that.

 

With that said, I agree you should have had a wedding coordinator for the day. It makes things a lot easier.  Did you not have a rehearsal?  

 

Do you feel like your bridesmaids were happy for you?  

 

What did you do with the extra food?  

[FMW]

I'm sorry you had such a disappointing experience.  If it makes you feel any better, few people I know (including myself) were completely happy with their weddings, including the people involved.  I found the whole thing very stressful and was happy when we left the reception for a wonderful relaxing honeymoon trip.   

 

The important thing is your marriage.  Try not to dwell on your disappointment with your friends and focus on your husband and the exchange of vows that you shared.  You'll have many happy years to make happy memories with friends and family, don't dwell on the disappointment.    

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, RecentChange said:

Sorry things did not got as you had hoped.

 

My only advice is to try not to dwell on it, and instead focus on the happy parts. What is done is done - water under the bridge and now you and your husband have your whole lives in front of you. 

 

I have yet to read any "wedding stories" that have caused an once of regret that my husband and I eloped in Vegas. 

 

Eloping was our first thought, but knowing parents and relatives wanted a traditional wedding, and the overseas relatives have said so many times that they would come back for our wedding (including few years ago when my husband's sister got married, they all flew back here and asked when would be our turn), we decided to do it instead of eloping. Now of course I think I should have insisted not getting relatives involved. 

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, Elswyth said:

I'm sorry to hear that, and your husband's relatives sound truly inconsiderate. That being said:

 

- I think you're focusing on the wrong things entirely. I know the whole bridal industry craze can really suck you in sometimes (I got married just over a year ago), but you need to step back and look at the bigger picture. Are you and your husband happily married? If you are, the goal of your wedding was achieved.

 

- Stop blaming your bridesmaids. Again, I understand that it's common in bridal advice columns to suggest relying on your bridesmaids help for the wedding, but just stop and think about what exactly that means. It means that you are expecting your friends to play the role of a wedding coordinator and wedding planner for free. Is that something that friends do to friends? IMO you have two choices: either hire an actual day-of-wedding coordinator, or be willing to accept that some things will go wrong.

 

H and I hired a day-of-coordinator even though our wedding was smaller than yours, and it was the budget item that actually made the most difference on the day.

 

Anyway, I suggest that you move forward and focus on your marriage. The wedding is only one day, there is still the rest of your lives.

Thanks. Yes I know I shouldn't dwell on it. I told my husband I was upset but he didn't understand why because he looked at the big picture and thought things were perfect. I know it's only me who dwell on the small parts, but I was the planner and if I didn't meticulously planned on the smallest parts, the bigger picture wouldn't come out. I just hope someone would understand and respect that I have put so much effort on planning so that now everybody thinks the wedding was perfect, but no one knows I was constantly being ignored when I needed help.

 

I didn't hire coordinator, perhaps I had too much confidence on wedding party that they know what they are doing. I watched our wedding video and saw everyone was so happily mingling in the garden, during the time I was in my room panicking why I still didn't hear updates from them... I see they have enjoyed themselves, I was the only one who didn't enjoy it and wasn't in the moment.

 

So maybe I should have hired a coordinator, or at least chosen more reliable friends to be in the wedding party. Luckily, the venue manager, who is very experienced in handling weddings, has helped me with my dress and bouquet when bridesmaids were nowhere to be found. 

[K.K.]

I just wanted to say that I feel really horrible for you that it all went down like that! You sound so calm when you talk about it, I’d be fit to be tied! I had read your other thread and was hoping that it really wasn’t going to be as bad as you had said but it seemed to have turned out that way. 

 

The people not being able to make it, that’s one thing. They’re coming from another country! That has to be expensive. They probably didn’t know how to say no at the beginning so they just said they would be there and just sheepishly backed out. That’s disappointing but forgivable.

 

But the bridesmaids aka your ‘friends’ acting like they did- no. No way. You were already so worried about how it would go and it went even worse! I figured they’d act right once they got there. 

 

See this is one of those deals where I’d love to hear their side of this because I just don’t think friends act this way. I’m surprised they even showed up. I mean you can’t think of any reason why they have acted this way?? I totally believe you- don’t get me wrong. I just can’t wrap my head around this. I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times and let me tell you, we were jumping up and down to do anything for the bride ( our friend!) on her special day. 

 

Yea that dampens everything. The whole day sounds off. But like others have said, chalk it up to bad choices and find some new friends! Congratulations on your marriage! 

[CaraGrace]

7 hours ago, preraph said:

Sorry it wasn't what you hoped it would be.  All I can tell you is not everyone thinks bridesmaids are supposed to help out.  I've been Maid of Honor twice and I didn't have duties, just one outing to pick out material.  (The dress fit terribly, by the way -- no fitting offered beforehand - -I couldn't even breathe).  I think you expected too much of your friends and a wedding just isn't as big a deal to them as it is to you, an event planner!   Already discussed the ones you picked on your other thread, that maybe you should have chosen more current friends, but who knows if they would have been better.  It's just not anyone's wedding but you and your husband and your parents, really.  

 

I don't know how far away the other country was that you thought his relatives would fly in from, but most people have jobs and not enough money to be spending too much doing something like that.  And most people would rather spend time away from work doing something like a day off or vacation, realistically, unless it's their own kid getting married.  I do think your husband didn't try hard enough to get honest answers out of them and that probably the person to put on that task would have been his mother or whoever's relatives it was.  And of course, they'd need to rsvp BEFORE whatever your deadline is on paying for the food and all that, but they have to know they must do that.  And if they haven't, then you take away their place on the list.  If they rsvped way ahead of time in writing, then it was indeed rude of them to not follow through, but my guess is they probably all said they'd try to come and needed to be asked personally if they really were before your pay deadline on the event.  There will always be some who just aren't considerate, no matter whose family it is.  It would be your husand or his parents' place to let you know who you shouldn't invite for that reason.  

 

Anyway,  move past it.  Even when a wedding goes well, it's a year of planning and a decade of expense and one quick night and it's over.  That's why I was always more open to eloping.  

I hope my bridesmaids know that I have spent more time picking their dresses with them than me finding my wedding gown on my own. I have read stories that bridesmaid dresses didn't fit, or bridesmaids hated the dress/colour the bride chose so much that led to so much drama... So I let them choose their own dress/colour that they wanted, went fitting and alter their dresses with them (all of which of course I paid). So there was more than one outing just for their dresses, and so many conversations and timely responses that didn't happen when it came to other aspects of the wedding. I wanted to make sure they're happy with their dresses and look pretty. But how about me? They didn't even ask. And still, it's my problem if I expect anything from them, because my wedding only matters to me, not them. It's fair enough that they don't give a damn about me.

 

Relatives have promised to fly back for our wedding even before we announced the news. They were here on my sister-in-law's wedding few years ago and asked when would be our turn, because everyone thought we should get married sooner since we have dated for many years. They asked us every time when we met, and said they would definitely fly back for our wedding. Actually even if not for any special occasion, they fly back once every 1 or 2 years anyway because this is their hometown. It's just these bunch of them migrated to another country years ago. So after sending them the invitation, they still confirmed that they're coming, but only changed their mind 2 weeks before wedding. It's not like I think they must come because of course my wedding is not a big deal to them. But what I asked was only that they could be a bit more considerate to let us know at least 1 month before wedding, so that I could still make adjustment, like inviting some friends or try to negotiate with venue to cancel one dinner table without charge. And I hoped other guests could be considerate enough to rsvp to the 2 events separately if some of them didn't want to attend the ceremony. I didn't mind people not coming, I only mind that they didn't tell us. I know that my husband was in a difficult place too because he personally is not very close to his uncles and aunts and it should be his mother doing the job, but his mother passed the ball back to him. But still it's not a mission impossible because he has their email addresses and phone numbers, he could have simply sent a message to request for confirmation.

 

And then when I told bridesmaids that I was upset about the situation, they gave the same response like your wedding isn't a big deal that people have to fly all the away here to attend, without knowing the story behind and the actual reason that I was upset was that they're so inconsiderate to give such short notice.

 

But you are very right that "when a wedding goes well, it's a year of planning and a decade of expense and one quick night and it's over". To me I really don't remember any unforgettable moment and didn't enjoy myself. What a waste of time and money. 

[CaraGrace]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You dream of the perfect wedding & when things go wrong it can be heartbreaking.  A bunch of bad stuff happened at my wedding too.  The limo company forgot to pick up my parents; wedding was delayed by 45 minutes.  I hated my dress & burst into tears the 1st time I saw photos of it.  I didn't get many of the pictures I wanted.  The neighbor photobombed more then 1/2 of the pictures & ruined them.  The priest got my husband's name wrong.  The DJ got my husband's name wrong.  DH's grandmother died 2 weeks before the wedding.  Many of his relatives skipped our wedding because they could only afford to travel for one thing, the funeral or the wedding & they picked the funeral. My uncle died ON the day of the wedding.   None of DH's friends came. Not one.  I was so hurt for him.   My MOH was useless & her phone went off twice during my ceremony. The cake was ugly.  

 

But you know what?  I've been married to a great guy for 11  years & that is what matters.  The upset you feel about these details will fade over time.  

I am sorry to hear your story and it sounds so much worse than mine. I think for me the only thing that didn't go wrong was my wedding dress. Though at first I have paid to rent a dress from a shop but it turned out there were not many dresses to choose from and they were of very bad quality and looked like they have been wore thousands of time without cleaning. But shop didn't allow a refund, and what I did next was to buy my dream dress even if that mean I would put the money I paid that shop into waste. But I just didn't give a damn anymore because I have had enough of things not going my way, and I wanted to at least be sure that I am happy wearing my dream dress for wedding. So that's one of the very few right choices that I made. I wish you could have a better wedding day but having family members passed away so close to and even on the wedding day was really the worst thing that could happen. I feel so sorry for you, and thank you that you still use your bad memories as a sort of comfort to me. Yes I totally understand what really matters is the marriage, and I should move on and not dwelling on these unhappy details. So I hope after writing about it here would help me get through it. I did have a wonderful honeymoon trip with my husband though some nights I still dwelled on these things and couldn't sleep... perhaps I have OCD but I will get over it. 

[CaraGrace]

6 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

It's rude to not attend a wedding you've RSVPd yes to, without a damn good excuse, like illness.  Simply deciding not to, as a group of 10, is really rude.  I'm sorry they did that.

 

With that said, I agree you should have had a wedding coordinator for the day. It makes things a lot easier.  Did you not have a rehearsal?  

 

Do you feel like your bridesmaids were happy for you?  

 

What did you do with the extra food?  

I didn't have a rehearsal since when bridesmaids have been so unresponsive and gave me a feeling that my wedding is not a big deal that everyone should spare their time to know the details, I just didn't dare to ask them for one more outing to have a proper rehearsal. And I just trusted that when I have provided them with rundown and floor plans etc. they should be able to figure out what they should do or where they should stand. But I didn't expect that they were not even standing by my side during the ceremony. I really can't tell if they are truly happy for me. They looked happy that day, but I still don't understand why they had been so unresponsive and not supportive during all these time. 

 

The extra food went to a charity. When I knew that the 10 relatives were not coming, one of the first things I did was to look for a charity that would be able to collect the extra food from us at the end of the day (venue was far away from city). I didn't expect I still had to do so much work a week before my wedding when I thought I could just relax, take plenty of rest and to look good on the wedding day... it just turned out I looked extremely tired on my wedding, like I was 10 yrs older than my husband. 

[CaraGrace]

5 hours ago, K.K. said:

I just wanted to say that I feel really horrible for you that it all went down like that! You sound so calm when you talk about it, I’d be fit to be tied! I had read your other thread and was hoping that it really wasn’t going to be as bad as you had said but it seemed to have turned out that way. 

 

The people not being able to make it, that’s one thing. They’re coming from another country! That has to be expensive. They probably didn’t know how to say no at the beginning so they just said they would be there and just sheepishly backed out. That’s disappointing but forgivable.

 

But the bridesmaids aka your ‘friends’ acting like they did- no. No way. You were already so worried about how it would go and it went even worse! I figured they’d act right once they got there. 

 

See this is one of those deals where I’d love to hear their side of this because I just don’t think friends act this way. I’m surprised they even showed up. I mean you can’t think of any reason why they have acted this way?? I totally believe you- don’t get me wrong. I just can’t wrap my head around this. I’ve been a bridesmaid a few times and let me tell you, we were jumping up and down to do anything for the bride ( our friend!) on her special day. 

 

Yea that dampens everything. The whole day sounds off. But like others have said, chalk it up to bad choices and find some new friends! Congratulations on your marriage! 

I can say that for those overseas relatives, flying back here to their hometown is not so expensive that they couldn't afford. And if it was not because they had said so many times that they were looking forward to going to our wedding and promised so, we would have a even smaller event (the dinner part was grand and expensive to be honest, even though the capacity was 60, I can say it's more expensive than an usual reception entertaining a double number of guests). We had such a grand dinner reception because we take into consideration that they would fly all the way here, we wanted to make their trip worth, and honestly I would say they're picky on food and service.

 

So once again I don't mind people not coming, but I hope they at least make a confirmation. It's just a yes or no question, don't give me "maybe". I spent time and money on organizing everything too, it's not just them having a cost. Food, limousine buses that I booked for them, I have cost too.

 

As for bridemaids, I don't know what's their side of story. If they didn't like anything that I asked them to do, they could have say so. I have asked them whether they're ok with their roles and duties too. They didn't say anything. And they could have say no to me when I asked them to be my bridesmaids, if they didn't want to take part. And yes, since they had been so unresponsive I secretly had a plan B in case they won't even show up. What a joke? There were already so many things that I needed to do and worry about, and I thought bridesmaids should be here to ease my burden, but turned out they added to it.  There were a few times that one of them actually said venue was too far from home and asked what if there was no more public transport when she had to help me packing up things till very late at night. While actually I had arranged car to send her home and she knew it. I didn't understand why she had to say that. And so I gave her one more option that if she really thought it would be too late for her to go home, I could book a hotel room for her at venue so that she could stay. (I planned to end dinner at 21:30 and I didn't think that it's really that late. And it's an hour trip by car from her home to venue) 

 

But now, when I say to people how disappointed I am, somehow it is like I am the problem because I shouldn't have expected anything help from them, and like I have forced people to take part in it because my wedding isn't a big deal to anybody actually.

 

We all know that wedding actually only matters to the bride and groom, like if other people come and show support it's a bonus. I know that. But me myself have never attend a wedding feeling like I was forced to or like well it actually doesn't matter to me but I come anyway because I don't want to hurt your feeling. I attend because I truly want to witness and give my blessing, and I am truly happy for my friends. When I was invited by people who're just acquaintance and I really felt like it doesn't matter to me, I just said no. 

[d0nnivain]

Cara Grace 

You will be OK.  The wasted money on the people who didn't show . . that is just rude.  In the end you are married to your husband & you will have a happy life together.  The rest is just details.  The people who showed up are the important ones. 

[Els]

11 hours ago, CaraGrace said:

I watched our wedding video and saw everyone was so happily mingling in the garden, during the time I was in my room panicking why I still didn't hear updates from them... I see they have enjoyed themselves, I was the only one who didn't enjoy it and wasn't in the moment.

 

This is the saddest part of your thread, IMO. A piece of advice that stuck with me when I was planning our wedding was: "Something WILL go wrong, but it can still be the best day of your life anyway. Just relax and enjoy it as much as you can."

 

I think at the end of the day nobody remembers or cares about the stuff that goes wrong. H and I had a fantastic time at our wedding, but it definitely wasn't perfect. Two people didn't show up on the day itself (doesn't sound like much but we had a small wedding - it was super obvious), I arrived a bit late, no one except the coordinator seemed to have read the runsheet, the reception started late too, and one of the dinner activities that we planned didn't work out.

 

But none of it really matters, y'know? We all had a great time and we still got married. Screw the perfectionism!

 

Maybe plan something nice for your first anniversary, and make sure you enjoy it and are in the moment? Have you been on your honeymoon yet?

Edited December 13, 2019 by Elswyth

[preraph]

They should have let you know earlier, if they rsvp'd in writing that they were coming.  If they never did rsvp, then that's a different matter.  Maybe they would have liked to be there but the date just didn't work for them being able to take off work (and I assume their kids out of school) and that if it had just happened to fall at an easy time for them, they'd have come.  You know, people do have other considerations, but it's true they should have let you know they were not coming earlier.  

[CaraGrace]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Cara Grace 

You will be OK.  The wasted money on the people who didn't show . . that is just rude.  In the end you are married to your husband & you will have a happy life together.  The rest is just details.  The people who showed up are the important ones. 

Thank you. Yes, the ones who showed up are the important ones. There were other relatives who flew all the way here to attend our wedding too. And actually when I couldn't even get any sort of comfort or suggestions from bridesmaids when I faced the problem, I turned to a few other friends, and they were so supportive and gave me constructive advice. And since they knew about the situation, they attended the ceremony just to show some support and give their blessings. That was when I realized how much they care about me, even though we have known less years than I with my bridesmaids. 

[2BGoodAgain]

hi. i'm a guy, so don't viscerate me into little pieces for saying this but...

 

1) who are you mad at?

2) why are you mad at him/her/them?

 

that might help if you could answer that.

[CaraGrace]

58 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

 

This is the saddest part of your thread, IMO. A piece of advice that stuck with me when I was planning our wedding was: "Something WILL go wrong, but it can still be the best day of your life anyway. Just relax and enjoy it as much as you can."

 

I think at the end of the day nobody remembers or cares about the stuff that goes wrong. H and I had a fantastic time at our wedding, but it definitely wasn't perfect. Two people didn't show up on the day itself (doesn't sound like much but we had a small wedding - it was super obvious), I arrived a bit late, no one except the coordinator seemed to have read the runsheet, the reception started late too, and one of the dinner activities that we planned didn't work out.

 

But none of it really matters, y'know? We all had a great time and we still got married. Screw the perfectionism!

 

Maybe plan something nice for your first anniversary, and make sure you enjoy it and are in the moment? Have you been on your honeymoon yet?

Thanks Elswyth. Happy for you that you had a fantastic time at your wedding and happily married~

 

We have been on honeymoon already. We had a good time, though I was still feeling sad when I looked at wedding photos and videos and saw how not ready nor relax I was. I talked to my husband about it, but he isn't the kind that knows how to talk with me when I'm sad or angry, or just to say some sweet words to comfort me. It's like he just switches to the "zone out" mode, and waits for me to change subject. So it also hurts me that I can't even communicate with him on these. But I'm used to this, and I switch to the "happy wife" mode, change subject, and pretend everything is okay.

 

But yes, I have offered him an idea that would make me feel better, which is to take wedding photos again for our first anniversary, because I didn't look good on wedding day, stiff smiles on my face and looked extremely tired. To me it would be like reenacting the wedding but without anybody else involved in it so that nothing would go wrong again, and I can truly focus on us and be in the moment.

[d0nnivain]

2 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

hi. i'm a guy, so don't viscerate me into little pieces for saying this but...

 

1) who are you mad at?

2) why are you mad at him/her/them?

 

that might help if you could answer that.

 

 

She's mad at her friends because they didn't help her on the day of & as a result she started walking down the aisle without the flower girl.  Also because they weren't as enthusiastic about her big day as she thought the event warranted 

 

But she's also mad at all the people who said they were coming for whom she paid for & they then bailed.  I think it may have been as many as 40 people.  Weddings can be god-awful expensive.  You have to assume she was charged between $100 - $200 per person for their dinner etc.   Even on the low end of that those who RSVP'd that they were coming then blew it off, cost her $4,000!  I'd be fuming too.  

[Els]

18 minutes ago, CaraGrace said:

But yes, I have offered him an idea that would make me feel better, which is to take wedding photos again for our first anniversary, because I didn't look good on wedding day, stiff smiles on my face and looked extremely tired. To me it would be like reenacting the wedding but without anybody else involved in it so that nothing would go wrong again, and I can truly focus on us and be in the moment.

 

That sounds like a great idea - some couples do pre-wedding photos or post-wedding photos for this purpose, too. No reason why you can't both put on your suit and dress again and take some pictures with each other... although in 1 year's time, you might need to do some alterations!

[CaraGrace]

46 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

hi. i'm a guy, so don't viscerate me into little pieces for saying this but...

 

1) who are you mad at?

2) why are you mad at him/her/them?

 

that might help if you could answer that.

I'm mad at his relatives for not rsvp or back down after rsvp in very short notice, because I have planned and organized many things for them. Food and time and money were wasted indeed, and they were one of the reasons we decided to have a proper wedding rather than eloping, which was our first thought.

 

I'm mad at bridesmaids not being responsive and supportive. If they didn't want to be bridesmaids they could have said so. If they didn't want to take up duties, they could have said so too. I tried to communicate with them and asked them multiple times how they thought about my plan. If there was any problem, they could have raised out. Why just kept being so unresponsive (except for the time I bought their dresses for them)? And when I felt bad for 10 relatives cancelling their trip in such short notice, they didn't comfort me but instead said it was fair enough and if I'm mad then I'm just being inconsiderate and like it's me who forced people to come.

 

I'm mad at husband for not helping to ask his relatives to rsvp to the 2 events separately. That's the only thing that I asked him to do, while I planned and organized the whole wedding myself. I explained to him that I was pretty sure there're people who would skip the ceremony. And only if we knew in advance how many of his relatives would actually attend the ceremony that I could invite certain number of friends whom had actually told me that they wanted to come, because we have to keep the total number of guests within 60 (that's venue's restriction). But he just asked me to assume all his relatives would attend the ceremony, and I had to gave up on inviting friends. And turned out only less than 10 out of 25 people (already excluded the 10 who bailed 2 weeks ago) from his side actually attended the ceremony. I think it's a huge mistake. 

36 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

She's mad at her friends because they didn't help her on the day of & as a result she started walking down the aisle without the flower girl.  Also because they weren't as enthusiastic about her big day as she thought the event warranted 

 

But she's also mad at all the people who said they were coming for whom she paid for & they then bailed.  I think it may have been as many as 40 people.  Weddings can be god-awful expensive.  You have to assume she was charged between $100 - $200 per person for their dinner etc.   Even on the low end of that those who RSVP'd that they were coming then blew it off, cost her $4,000!  I'd be fuming too.  

 

Thanks for answering him for me :)

Yes, that was quite a lot of money wasted. And I would curse myself if I had to waste so much food too, so luckily I managed to find a charity that was willing to come collect all the extra food, at least I did one good thing of it!

And what made me mad/sad was not really about money being wasted, but time and effort, since I was the planner, but no one understands how much time and effort I put on the whole thing, not just for myself but to make sure everybody have a great time. That hurts me the most..

Edited December 13, 2019 by CaraGrace

[CaraGrace]

22 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

 

That sounds like a great idea - some couples do pre-wedding photos or post-wedding photos for this purpose, too. No reason why you can't both put on your suit and dress again and take some pictures with each other... although in 1 year's time, you might need to do some alterations!

Yes, I think it's a great idea too :P 

And I love my dress, and it's expensive too, it would be more worthwhile if I can wear it again and take better wedding photos. And a good reason and motivation for me to keep in shape :)

[CaraGrace]

26 minutes ago, CaraGrace said:

But she's also mad at all the people who said they were coming for whom she paid for & they then bailed.  I think it may have been as many as 40 people.  Weddings can be god-awful expensive.  You have to assume she was charged between $100 - $200 per person for their dinner etc.   Even on the low end of that those who RSVP'd that they were coming then blew it off, cost her $4,000!  I'd be fuming too.

But to be precise, there were around 25 people from his side who didn't attend the ceremony, including the 10 ppl. from overseas, and the other around 15 people (I didn't bother to count the exact number anymore) who never told us that they would skip the ceremony, but they did show up for dinner. So if talking about how much money was put to waste due to no-show guests, that's around $2000 ($200+ per head x 10).   

Edited December 13, 2019 by CaraGrace