Arty10 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Hi been dating a wonderful lady for the last four months. We hit off great, growing from a twice a week date to now where we have spent everyday and night together for the last four weeks. My concern is that this lady is FB with former people she met online and dated. From what I see there really is no friendship here but her only connection to these people is that she met them on a online dating site and had gone dates with them in the past. Myself I always have made a point to delete any former romantic interests and my only FB friends of the opposite sex are truly that friends. It just bothers me that she keeps these connections open even though any communication is probably innocent comments or likes. Just wonder if I am overreacting here or if this is a justified wtf? What are everyone's thoughts on this?
Inspire Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 People treat their social media presence differently. What kind of comments do they leave on her photos or is it just "likes" ...
Author Arty10 Posted December 12, 2019 Author Posted December 12, 2019 It is just likes and such. But it just bothers me that there is no life connection with these people other than that she dated them.
lurker74 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Jealousy is not a great emotion to have. It generally breeds resentment, eventually. And it also tends to lead to fulfilling the prophecy about which it worries. So you have two choices...learn to live with it and lessen the jealousy feelings or ask her to end her FB friends. I think the latter is reasonable but the former is much better for you since it puts the control in your hands. Since the motion is yours, so too should be the actions that reduce the feelings. But if you don't think that is possible or likely, you could ask her to modify her behavior. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 so long as it's platonic, there shouldn't be a problem. the jealousy is in your head, and it will kill your relationship if left unchecked. a relationship is about compromises between two sets of ideas, morals, etc.. talk to her about it and share with her your concerns and worries and then go from there. ultimately, you have to ask yourself... let her have her friends on FB regardless of whether they were former dates or not, or lose her... is it worth it? now, if those relationships isn't platonic(yes, flirting counts as non platonic), you might have a different choice to make... but so far, it seems like it's just that she still talks to them, that bothers you... not that anything is going on, which means you might just be insecure = not trusting her... anyway, talk to her about it and go from there... trust she's an adult, keep your eyes open, and take it one step at a time.
central Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 I'm FB friends with many people I've never met, some I've only met a time or two, others I've dated for various lengths of time, and even a couple with whom I had extended relationships. So what? You like to keep things minimal, whereas others like to have many connections of whatever value. It's just personal choice, so it's really not worth worrying about unless you see blatant flirting and intentions to meet - then you ask about it.
schlumpy Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Don't you wish you could find out things like this on the first date or even the first conversation? Maybe like - "Oh Bill," "Yes, Sally." "I just wanted you to know that every guy I dated for the last 15 years is listed on my telephone but we're just friends. I just didn't want you to find out about it and think I was hiding something." She said with a nervous laugh. "Of course not Sally. Why would I think that?" Bill raised an eyebrow and waved his arm for help, "Waiter, could I have the check?" Thank you for putting up with my little bit of fun. I have to say I would give her the benefit of the doubt if there are no overt signs of FWB and she volunteered to let me look if I felt a need to. I say trust her until she proves you can't. 1 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) Ok, something is off here. You can spend every day and night together for the last four weeks and yet you're afraid to speak to her about her ongoing contact with exes. Something is out of whack. You need to be able to gently--in a non-accusatory way--ask about her contact with exes. Hey, that's a key piece of information that I expect people I date will ask me. It's totally legit. You can say that you are asking because you typically don't maintain contact with exes. If you're spending all this time together and yet you can't ask this question, there is a discrepancy. Don't keep faking it ... suppressing this question, avoiding this conversation, is in fact pretending and faking. It's not jealous in the unhealthy way to ask this. And if she can't give you a response that reassures you, then that's worth knowing. I do want to note that we're in a weird period now with social media. The informal "rules" about contact with exes through online presence and friending and all of that ... are still being worked out. Edited December 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Some people collect social media friends. If the contact is limited to likes & other banal drivel don't get overly worked up about it. If they are writing pages & pages of PMs, if she is chatting or scrolling with them but ignoring you who is in her presence, & if she is hanging out IRL, that would be cause for concern. I'd question her judgment & level of maturity but without more I don't see a reason to question her fidelity.
MsJayne Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) Social media has become one of the commonest causes of relationship breakdown, and no wonder, because some people just shouldn't be allowed to play with it. It's great for staying in contact with friends who live far away, it's great for keeping in touch with what family and close friends are doing, but I think friending people you met once or twice and aren't likely to ever meet again is a symptom of immaturity and a shallow personality, and sometimes a much deeper issue to do with fear of not being socially accepted, in a "See, people do like me, look at all my FB friends" kind of way. Maybe I'm wrong, but that certainly applies to anyone I've ever met who friends every man and his dog on social media. I wouldn't call it jealousy, I would call it a sign that you're incompatible on a deeper level. Edited December 12, 2019 by MsJayne Error 1
Inspire Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 12 hours ago, Arty10 said: It is just likes and such. But it just bothers me that there is no life connection with these people other than that she dated them. If you have faith in your relationship and confidence in yourself then there really should be no issue. If she was posting inappropriate pictures or comments I'd have issues with that.
smackie9 Posted December 13, 2019 Posted December 13, 2019 You are spending a huge amount of time together, everything is great, she sees you only, so what kind of threat is there with a couple of random likes, or a rare comment? I understand emotionally things are getting tight between you two, and when you get to that stage, any male within any kind of reach seems like a threat. You are falling in love, and how you feel is perfectly normal BUT as things taper off, and the honeymoon stage fades, so will your concern about her friends list. I think requesting her to start deleting people so you will feel better, will make her feel a twinge of you being controlling. I say let her do it on her own. She will be rearranging her life, and her social media as it gets more and more serious. You got to give it time to happen....if all goes well, it will. My advice....stay off her FB. 1
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