A real predicament

[Adz]

I’m in a real predicament here and I need some help. Firstly, it feels like our relationship has gone a little bit stale. She’s always been incredibly touchy feely, horny, flirty, always initiating intimacy, always wanting to show me off and the like. She doesn’t seem to be like that as much these days. I know there’s the element of the initial lust and the excitement at the start which will always ware off, but for sex to tail off as dramatically as it has is ridiculous – once in 3 months, compared to 2 or 3 times a week at the start.

 

I have to initiate any touching or pleasuring, and that is only ever one way and never reciprocated anymore. Putting yourself out there as a male and getting rejected is quite harsh (which has happened a few times) and it’s starting to hit my mental state.

 

I don’t want to come across that I think relationships are all about sex, but I want to feel desired like I did at the start. I want her to make me feel like I’m amazing, I want to know that I make her feel amazing, I want to feel an emotional and intimate closeness again which only seems to happen if I push it, yet I’m beginning to be hesitant with doing that due to an increasing fear of rejection. (which means even less is happening) So, this is now starting to affect my mental state and my general confidence as a person.

 

So, that’s problem 1. The next issue is an even bigger one which is adding to my confusion.

 

We’ve been seeing each other for 8 months; we still have our separate places. I part own a house with my father, and she has rented accommodation 5/10 mins away from me, so no disaster in distance sense. She is beginning to pressure me into moving in with her by a set date, or it’s ‘’all over’’.

 

For me, what with the mortgage I’m signed up to and my current circumstances financially, it just isn’t the right time for me to up sticks. I can’t get her to understand this though, and in my eyes, I can’t see the rush right now. We still see each other loads – the living together thing will happen, but when it’s right for both – that’s what I keep saying, it’s not that I don’t want it to happen. If she loves me like she says she does, why is she threatening to pass me up just because I can’t move in yet? Is the only reason she wants me to move in with her to help bail her out with the rent?

 

I sometimes throw myself into her shoes and try and see how I’d react – I’d likely understand where they were coming from but I wouldn’t want to jeopardise the relationship so I wouldn’t put an ultimatum on it, I’d allow things to sort themselves out in a natural time frame. That’s what I hoped she’d be like, not this rush job.

 

But aside from all that, even if there was a way to move in, I’d find it really hard to go 100% to town on the moving in thing which she wants, if I’m not feeling completely emotionally wanted myself.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Adz

[FMW]

Definitely don't move in together when things aren't going so well in your relationship.  Sex once in a 3 months is a major red flag.  Has she given you any indications why she's withdrawn from you physically?

 

Personally I don't think 8 months together is long enough to make major changes, like living together, even if everything was going great.  

[Adz]

12 minutes ago, Finding my way said:

Definitely don't move in together when things aren't going so well in your relationship.  Sex once in a 3 months is a major red flag.  Has she given you any indications why she's withdrawn from you physically?

 

Personally I don't think 8 months together is long enough to make major changes, like living together, even if everything was going great.  

 

She has given me no indications; I have no idea. Nothing has changed with how I am, I've not grown a 2nd head and a third eye, I'm still the same person she was all over at the start personality wise and physicality wise. I guess the only thing I’ve been told is that the relationship is in limbo until we move in together, we can’t progress until then.

 

I don't think 8 months is enough time. It's not long distance, we've never been long distance, we've always been on each other doorsteps......so why the rush now? I don't understand why she's pushing for this, yet has withdrawn from me emotionally.

[smackie9]

hahahaha omg she is withholding sex and gave you an ultimatum? Dude best to cash in your chips now, and go find another game in town.

This girl is trouble. You want to be treated like this every time she expects something from you? this is bull $%^&&* cacu-poopoo.

Edited December 12, 2019 by smackie9

[GeorgiaPeach1]

It sounds like you want your needs met, but aren't willing to give her what she needs to feel good and wanted.

[Adz]

29 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

It sounds like you want your needs met, but aren't willing to give her what she needs to feel good and wanted.

 

So what are you saying? I'm going to have to throw myself into debt, make members of my family homeless, in order to move in with her and then potentially I will get my emotional needs met? I've said I'm willing to give her this and I'm on board, she just needs to wait until I'm in the right place and my father also.

 

Otherwise it just seems the most crazy life choice ever.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Adz

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, you should not even be THINKING of moving in with her. By not thinking, I mean your brain would be malfunctioning to consider that a reasonable idea.

 

You haven't had sex but once or so in three months. Uh ... that's a problem. A major problem. Not just the sex itself, but the distance, the wall she has apparently erected, with you on the outside, with no explanation. You have to initiate all the touching--red flag. Hit the red button to pause and really stop. Go no further. This is breakup behavior not move-in behavior. 

 

Your first task is to talk to her about sex and intimacy. Often sex, or disinterest in sex, is a signal for all kinds of other issues. Some people can gin up lust in the beginning ... and then when emotional intimacy develops ... they run into sexual problems. That's not your issue to address. Your issue is to say intimacy is missing and to make clear you're unhappy with this.

 

Seriously, you should be thinking of breaking up ... or telling her you're unhappy with the state of things ... Thinking of moving in ... at 8 months, absolutely, totally no go. At 8 months with almost no mutual touching going on with no explanation, that's the issue. 

 

You guys aren't ready to move in. Not even close. I'm not sure why you're feeling it's your burden to justify not wanting to move in. Her idea is manifestly immature and wacko. And yet you're feeling on the defensive. Address that issue!--in yourself ... before moving in with anyone. Dude, this is not a close call. On a scale of 100 ... it's 99 to 1 against. 

 

This is not a "predicament." This is a relationship that is making you unhappy, a relationship that is unequal and not intimate and not emotionally satisfying. 

 

Frankly my calculating side says the data here adds up to her wanting to use you for living ... use you for your finances. She put on a show of interest early on ... but there's a good chance she's just interested in using you. 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Adz]

45 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Dude, you should not even be THINKING of moving in with her. By not thinking, I mean your brain would be malfunctioning to consider that a reasonable idea.

 

You haven't had sex but once or so in three months. Uh ... that's a problem. A major problem. Not just the sex itself, but the distance, the wall she has apparently erected, with you on the outside, with no explanation. You have to initiate all the touching--red flag. Hit the red button to pause and really stop. Go no further. This is breakup behavior not move-in behavior. 

 

Your first task is to talk to her about sex and intimacy. Often sex, or disinterest in sex, is a signal for all kinds of other issues. Some people can gin up lust in the beginning ... and then when emotional intimacy develops ... they run into sexual problems. That's not your issue to address. Your issue is to say intimacy is missing and to make clear you're unhappy with this.

 

Seriously, you should be thinking of breaking up ... or telling her you're unhappy with the state of things ... Thinking of moving in ... at 8 months, absolutely, totally no go. At 8 months with almost no mutual touching going on with no explanation, that's the issue. 

 

You guys aren't ready to move in. Not even close. I'm not sure why you're feeling it's your burden to justify not wanting to move in. Her idea is manifestly immature and wacko. And yet you're feeling on the defensive. Address that issue!--in yourself ... before moving in with anyone. Dude, this is not a close call. On a scale of 100 ... it's 99 to 1 against. 

 

This is not a "predicament." This is a relationship that is making you unhappy, a relationship that is unequal and not intimate and not emotionally satisfying. 

 

Frankly my calculating side says the data here adds up to her wanting to use you for living ... use you for your finances. She put on a show of interest early on ... but there's a good chance she's just interested in using you. 

 

 

 

Thank you for that post, it's really helpful to see my thoughts and fears confirmed by someone on the outside, it's not nice to read...but it's a kind of wake up - cause you know you worry you're overthinking things, or reading too much into stuff etc. But no, what you say is spot on. 

 

I do need to broach the subject of intimacy 100%, it's not normal and I can't even class it as a relationship in these terms. I didn't even mention but at the start you had the sexual flirting on text, it was all pretty normal and fun - that's just non existant now, if i try it's never even aknoweldged and we're back onto mundane subjects.

 

I've been in public with her before and gone for her hand, and it's been slipped away - imagine how that makes you feel. Why does she hang around me though if that's how she feels? I guess it's just all about what she wants and when she wants it, it's nothing about me. It's difficult because this experience is kind of damaging my relationship thoughts, is this how it's meant to be? Are men always supposed to give and never receive?

 

I even bought her a nice girlfriend themed birthday card; she was chuffed with it - but where is it now? God knows, it was never put up. Other people’s cards are though.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Adz

[preraph]

For sure you don't move in with her.  I can't even believe she wants to, so it must be about money or the lack thereof.  

 

I have to mention, though, that no one can make you feel more amazing than you are.  That comes from within.  If you know you're amazing, then other people can't bring you down that easy, but also, you expect better for yourself.  But I just don't know many people whose mission it is to make their SO feel "amazing."  That's like using them in lieu of having your own self-esteem.  

Anyway, there is no big relationship here.  

[smackie9]

I would have to say mmmm ya it's likely has to do with money. If she's putting a rush on things, that's an act of desperation. Is it possible she lost her job? or  incurred some debt you didn't know about? Being treated like garbage because she wants something is so immature and really hurtful.

[Adz]

42 minutes ago, preraph said:

For sure you don't move in with her.  I can't even believe she wants to, so it must be about money or the lack thereof.  

 

I have to mention, though, that no one can make you feel more amazing than you are.  That comes from within.  If you know you're amazing, then other people can't bring you down that easy, but also, you expect better for yourself.  But I just don't know many people whose mission it is to make their SO feel "amazing."  That's like using them in lieu of having your own self-esteem.  

Anyway, there is no big relationship here.  

 

It's been about money, it's been screaming at me for so long but I've been trying to ignore it, wanting to believe that this is actual love. She keeps mentioning how an extra xxx per month will make her live comfortable. What about me? I have less income and less money than her, in so much debt, yet she can't ever buy anything or do anything as she 'has no money' - but looks at me to do it instead, even though I don't either.

 

Alarm bells all over this, right?

21 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I would have to say mmmm ya it's likely has to do with money. If she's putting a rush on things, that's an act of desperation. Is it possible she lost her job? or  incurred some debt you didn't know about? Being treated like garbage because she wants something is so immature and really hurtful.

 

The lease on her flat is up in Feb, the rental price will likley increase apparently. She 'loves it there' and doesn't want to move, but she claims she can't afford it on her own. (She can, but she'd have to make sacrifies which she's unwilling to do)

 

When is my deadline to move in or it's 'all over''? Feb. So, yeah. I think that's pretty much the crux of it. She doesn't want me to move in because it's me, the love of her life, she wants me to move in because I can help share the rent. There's no emotional intamacy because there isn't any from her, she's just dangling that little relationship carrot in the hope it keeps me on side.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Adz

[preraph]

It's sad there's still opportunists out there taking advantage of people's good natures.  You should just go ahead and let her know it's not happening.  Gives her plenty of time to not buy a s***load of presents for Christmas and save her money instead to find a new place OR get a second job, like a lot of people have to do.  Or find herself a new sucker.  

[elaine567]

My guess.
You at the start presented yourself as perfect bf material. 
She saw a future with you and  she galloped ahead, she saw moving in together, marriage, kids...  but that future came to a halt as she realised the predicament you were in with the joint family mortgage and your lack of real funds and your unwillingness to move things forward.
You stalled and she lost attraction. Unhappy women do not usually want to have sex with guys they are disappointed in.
There is also no cut off point, so she is thinking, "This guy is just stringing me along, I could be waiting here for literally years", hence the pushing and  the ultimatum.
Once women lose interest like this, things tend not to improve, she probably has built up a bit of resentment as you have, to her way of thinking, "let her down".
 

[Lotsgoingon]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

 that future came to a halt as she realised the predicament you were in with the joint family mortgage and your lack of real funds and your unwillingness to move things forward.
You stalled and she lost attraction. Unhappy women do not usually want to have sex with guys they are disappointed in.
 

Elaine, this woman, if she had integrity, would have initiated a breakup if she's so unhappy that he's allegedly not the perfect bf. 

 

Instead, she's pressing him to move in to help HER with finances. She's the manipulator here. The OP didn't fail to live up to standards. Her only standard apparently is, can she use him? No sex, no touching, no emotional intimacy ... AND she wants him to move in. She's utterly shameless. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

Well it all about perspective.
Women especially of a certain age want commitment.
They want to at least to move in, if the OP is not capable of providing that, then he may find it difficult to keep any woman interested.
Few women want to enter into relationships with guys who have complicated family living arrangements.
Most want men who are independent of their parents, men who can naturally move things forward, without the worry of making family members homeless or risking bankrupcy.
It could be said he entered into this relationship under false pretences.
SHE is the one making the most money here...

[d0nnivain]

8 months in is too soon to talk about co-habitation.  Especially if you no longer feel desired, now is the time for deep conversations not relocation. 

 

While nobody relishes it, you need to sit her down & talk about "us."  Tell her what you want & some of the financial realities but ask about her expectations.  Really listen to her.  Ask what it would take to get back to the frequency you used to have.  Ask if the fact that you aren't living together is making her feel unloved or insecure.  This is tough stuff but better you should try to address this then just give up on the whole relationship without even trying to resolve some of the issues.  If it goes well, perhaps you will come out stronger.  As a compromise perhaps you could suggest a trip soon so you two can reconnect.  

[smackie9]

her financial problems are not yours to fix. She needs to grow up and deal with it herself like an adult. She can get a bloody roommate if she wants to keep her lifestyle of shopping and getting her nails done. I think it's pretty selfish to expect a BF to drop everything so she can keep her place...because she likes it sooooo much.

[schlumpy]

It doesn't sound like you want to get rid of her so what about she moves in with you?

 

My real advice is to tell her you cannot financially do what she is asking but do give her date when you can. Then it's up to her. It shouldn't take long to find out the answer.

 

[Inspire]

You know where this is all going and you obviously seem to understand the game she is playing. Don't put yourself in financial ruins to appease her. If she did in fact "love you" as she claims, then she would be understanding and realize you're not being unreasonable. She is being selfish with her demands and it will be at your expense.

[Adz]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Well it all about perspective.
Women especially of a certain age want commitment.
They want to at least to move in, if the OP is not capable of providing that, then he may find it difficult to keep any woman interested.
Few women want to enter into relationships with guys who have complicated family living arrangements.
Most want men who are independent of their parents, men who can naturally move things forward, without the worry of making family members homeless or risking bankrupcy.
It could be said he entered into this relationship under false pretences.
SHE is the one making the most money here...

 

Well, that's quite depressing if most women are like that. Sad to hear.

[Adz]

9 hours ago, schlumpy said:

It doesn't sound like you want to get rid of her so what about she moves in with you?

 

My real advice is to tell her you cannot financially do what she is asking but do give her date when you can. Then it's up to her. It shouldn't take long to find out the answer.

 

 

I've offered that, but nope.... she wouldn't be able to keep 'all her stuff'. So, it's not like there's no possibility of living together and I'm not saying I don't want to live with her, the door is open to this place 100% whilst everything sorts out - and there is space as well as a huge spare room for storage...but that's not even an option in her eyes as she doesn't want to sacrifice anything, she likes 'her place' now.

 

I've mentioned I can't financially do it, but all I'm told is that it's up to me to find a way (I think I've found a way in terms of living here) and if there's no movement by April or my house isn't on the market by April, then it's done.

Edited December 13, 2019 by Adz

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Adz said:

all I'm told is that it's up to me to find a way (I think I've found a way in terms of living here) and if there's no movement by April or my house isn't on the market by April, then it's done.

 

So just let go.  I hate random ultimatums.   Anybody who thinks you ought to subject yourself to financial ruin for this whims is not a good prospect anyway.  She's probably bluffing 

 

Edited December 13, 2019 by d0nnivain

[Watercolors]

17 hours ago, Adz said:

The lease on her flat is up in Feb, the rental price will likley increase apparently. She 'loves it there' and doesn't want to move, but she claims she can't afford it on her own. (She can, but she'd have to make sacrifies which she's unwilling to do)

 

When is my deadline to move in or it's 'all over''? Feb. So, yeah. I think that's pretty much the crux of it. She doesn't want me to move in because it's me, the love of her life, she wants me to move in because I can help share the rent. There's no emotional intamacy because there isn't any from her, she's just dangling that little relationship carrot in the hope it keeps me on side.

 

This is the real issue. She is blackmailing you emotionally and physically so that you will resume the role of her financial safety net. Has she never heard of roommates?!?! She can easily look for a flat that has a roommate vacancy. 

8 months in, and you both have very different values. Something to consider. Do you want to eventually move-in with a woman who will always, always, put her needs and wants above yours? At least it's not 8 years. It could be. But you've been given a preview my friend of who this woman is and if this is what you're willing to settle for (being second best in her eyes, always), then I can give you the name of a good online therapist. 

Do NOT make your family homeless on account of your very manipulative, immature girlfriend. I say 'immature' because the mature response to her financial straits (which is HER responsibility, fyi, *not* yours just b/c you're her significant other) is to handle it alone. She can either get a roommate, or she can give her 60 day notice and look for a roommate situation. She can create a budget for herself and strictly follow it; she can take a community education class on finances and savings. 

Right now she's treating you like an option. Or, has that been the relationship dynamic all along where she's her own priority and you're (feelings and needs) are the option. 

 

Time to assess the value this relationship has in your life. 8 months in, is this what you want for years to come with a relationship partner? To be responsible for someone else's immature behavior all the time? To be put in a parental role with your significant other? 

16 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Well it all about perspective.
Women especially of a certain age want commitment.
They want to at least to move in, if the OP is not capable of providing that, then he may find it difficult to keep any woman interested.
Few women want to enter into relationships with guys who have complicated family living arrangements.
Most want men who are independent of their parents, men who can naturally move things forward, without the worry of making family members homeless or risking bankrupcy.
It could be said he entered into this relationship under false pretences.
SHE is the one making the most money here...

 

Wow, generalize much? That is not true for me at all -- and I'm a woman (esp. of a certain age). 

 

It's clear that the OP's girlfriend is manipulating him to suit her financial straits (needs). She is irresponsible with her money, doesn't want to take responsibility for herself, so she is projecting on to the OP and blackmailing him emotionally and physically so that he'll cave and do what she wants. That is not how an independent woman acts. Not at all. 

And fyi, I had to live w/my mother after her stroke and quit my job b/c my siblings couldn't. Does that mean all adult-children who care for their family members under the same roof are not attractive to the opposite sex? Ridiculous generalization. There are famous celebrities whose parents live with them in their mansions, and these celebrities are married with children. 

I commend the OP for not caving in and putting out his family to suit her childish needs which she can easily take care of by getting a roommate. And getting a roommate, will resolve her financial problems, and shouldn't effect the relationship long-term b/c it gives them both the time they need to put savings aside IF their plan is to move-in together. But right now isn't the right time. That is not the OP's fault. 

What you're suggesting is that it IS the OP's fault. But the OP has financial obligations to take care of family members which shows the OP to be very mature and reasonable. There are no false pretenses here unless you're talking about the OP's girlfriend who pretends to be financially responsible, but, based on her behavior with the OP, really isn't. 

Edited December 13, 2019 by Watercolors

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Watercolors said:

Wow, generalize much? That is not true for me at all -- and I'm a woman (esp. of a certain age). 

But you are not of the age group to which I referred.

Edited December 13, 2019 by elaine567

[GeorgiaPeach1]

22 hours ago, Adz said:

 

So what are you saying? I'm going to have to throw myself into debt, make members of my family homeless, in order to move in with her and then potentially I will get my emotional needs met? I've said I'm willing to give her this and I'm on board, she just needs to wait until I'm in the right place and my father also.

 

Otherwise it just seems the most crazy life choice ever.

You don't have your life and finances together. Why are you dating/in a relationship in the first place? Expecting YOUR needs to be met, while not accommodating hers, is selfish.