age-gap, possible rebound, or worse, but now my family is welcoming her

[maybeThen]

I need help, I am falling back into this. I had been trying to distance myself in preparation for this ending, but I'm plagued with the same feelings again. Christmas is coming, and so is my birthday. She sent me something. I struggle again with believing this is "fake" or a "fantasy" when very real things such as this are happening. I feel wanted, and valued, and loved. Like I am important to her.

I have had time to clear my mind, and the beginning of January we make 5 months. I know 4 of those months she was in contact with her ex, having physical sex with him, getaway hotels with him, sexting with him after she moved, and saying things in reference to me such as: "I am using him to heal," "I don't know if I'll be speaking with him in a few months," "He makes me feel good, I wanted that from you," and the big ones such as showing a desire to try to work things out with the ex again after time has passed and she has healed. I know they cut ties to let the dust settle. My brain tries to tell me that she was only saying those things to him to lead him on so he is a back up in case she and I don't work out. But, I know for sure I was a rebound. We got together the very day they broke up, and moved lightning fast with talks of love, soul mates, and all of that. But I know if she genuinely believed I was her soulmate, she would not be speaking to him at all, let alone telling him "We had so much in common, I hope we work out in the future." She claims she found her dream man in me, she told me the other day that I am "everything she wants in a man."  How could things feel, or seem, so real, but be so fake? I can't make sense of it. The fact she cut ties with him, and still converses with me, makes me feel I am the real one.

I am once again believing she did all of those things above because she didn't allow herself time to heal. But once she does heal now that she cut ties with him, she will be able to be in a functioning relationship with me. I would be willing to forgive her for the above because I think she was just just operating out of pain. But a lot of it also seemed deliberate and calculated. ie: How she able to verbalize that she was using me to heal. But as soon as that thought pops up, I am right back to convincing myself that she's toying with him so he becomes a backup for her. I must be the real one because she is in contact with me, and everything that comes with it.

I don't care if this is low self-esteem, or I am pathetic, etc. If I chose to forgive her for everything, my choice, do you guys think once she is over him she will be devoted to me? Or is this really a case of someone using me, and then discarding me when she doesn't need me anymore?

Edited December 23, 2019 by maybeThen

[Ruby Slippers]

I think given the character she's demonstrated, it's unlikely this will go the distance. If you can find a way to enjoy it however long it lasts, I see no harm in that. But if I were in your place, I'd match her approach and keep your options open, date and consider others. You wouldn't want to miss out on what could be a real, lasting love because you're stuck on her merry-go-round.

[Kaarek]

Okay, I've tried to read everything you wrote but got lost once you've mentioned her ex got back into the picture so I've skipped until the end. 

The way you described her to us she seems like a very beautiful and genuine person but you should always keep in mind that when someone tells you that they like to be "spoiled" that's slightly a red flag (at least for me personally).

I've dated someone with a considerate age gap before and I can personally tell you that it does and doesn't work at the same time, these relationships are quite fragile and when it comes to long-term is very difficult for them to last. (Obviously there are exceptions but betting with your time isn't the best choice now is it?)

We cannot tell you what to do because that's entirely your choice but if a woman that tells you that's she's deeply in love with you, four months later comes out with a "serious" conversation saying she's still talking to her EX. That is a MAJOR red flag. I will not tell you what to do but only suggest to follow your guts, do not ever ignore your feeling guts, they're never wrong and there is enough scientific proof behind it if you want to dig and understand how it works.

This woman might not entirely love you but just enjoy your attention, money and lust that you could (did partially) offer her, most likely you seem like a rebound for her because "loving" people at the same time isn't quite alright, she's playing around with your feelings and maybe even her ex, can you really know? (don't think about it, it doesn't matter.)

I would try to learn (if I were you) from this relationship in order to avoid being fooled once more in the near future.

There is no such thing as true love because as you can see most relationships now days end in a couple of years, relationships themselves have become overly materialistic over the past 20+ years so just keep an eye open. I am not trying to make you feel worse nor destroy any hope you have left but would you rather lie to yourself or free yourself from something that's not worth investing your time in, remember Life itself is very short and investing your time with the wrong person it's disappointing. (despite the useful lessons we gather from them)

Best Regards

[Gr8fuln2020]

She IS in contact with him. Perhaps not on the social media content you now have open access to, but you know all too well that she is in contact with him. This alone is enough to determine that your relationship is not what you would like or she may make claims of.

I agree with some others. I feel that she is acting like a relationship exhibitionist by putting you online for others to see. She is sticking it to her 'ex' bf and hoping that he is jealous and willing to make the changes so that she can return to him. Sorry, my feeling is, that she is planning exactly that. When you meet someone so 'amazing', mostly in terms of attractiveness, the older we get, the more irrationally enamoured we become....and too quickly and easily impressed. You were moving too fast and she saw this and is playing along...slow down, back out, and reassess. Enjoy what company she is willing to give within reason, but stop talking about a long term, forever, soul-mate form of relationship. Be objective and smart.

I didn't see anywhere that you two are having sex. Are you?

 

Edited January 1, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t think she will ever devote herself to you, no.

This fling has always had an expiration date. The eventual and definitive end is coming.