rosealee Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 I'm perplexed and could use some advice... I'm divorced six years, financially and emotionally stable and in my 50s and dating a man my age who has been divorced three years. We spend a good bit of time together. I am looking for a life partner and can see us together. We are mature and are compatible in many ways. (No time limit or demand on what this might look like) We have been dating for 15 months and get along great. I am feeling sad because I realize that I am going to be spending another Christmas Eve and morning alone. He has asked for no gifts to be exchanged... not a big deal because Christmas means more than gifts to me. To me you spend Christmas with loved ones... I would like to wake up with the person I love on Christmas morning. But this will not be happening... he is spending Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with his grown kids. I am not invited. I have invited him to come to my big family celebration and mid day meal on Christmas. My grown kids will be joining us at this celebration. There is no animosity at all between anyone's extended family... we quite like each other. I can help but be hurt by what feels like distance and disregard on this special holiday. Although I have other invitations form friends and family who love me, I know that I will be lonely and disappointed not being with him and feeling left out from my favorite person/significant other. He also did not spend Thanksgiving with me. Do I say anything? Am I being silly for feeling sad? Does this mean I am not a priority? 1
fishlips Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 After 15 months he should pretty much include you in everything. Has he given a reason for excluding you on big occasions? Yes, I would say that you aren't a top priority.
lurker74 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 25 minutes ago, rosealee said: Do I say anything? Am I being silly for feeling sad? Does this mean I am not a priority? Yes, you communicate your feelings. You don't do it with vindictiveness (e.g. "How could you dare to not invite me and leave me alone on Christmas morning?!?!") but with a guiltless expression (e.g. "You deciding to not invite me to spend Christmas with you makes me feel like I am not a priority. Am I?"). Communication is a requirement regardless of age or length of time together. It could be he's a jerk or it could be that he doesn't actually understand how important it is to you. Before you invent thoughts to put in his head, ask him what his actual thoughts might be. 1 1
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 Do express your concerns & preferences but be sensitive to his feelings too. In your shoes at 15 months in I would never expect to be included in somebody else's holiday traditions. It would be overwhelming & awkward to me. If invited, I'd decline. If the person pushed it, I could see it being one of those issues where'd I'd freak out so bad, I'd break up with them. It's not to say you are not a priority. Last year it was waaaayyyyy too new. This year is the year to figure it out. Just understand the whole big blended family thing isn't everybody's cup of tea. As must as he cares about you, he may not be ready to do holidays with Yours, Mine & Ours. His kids may not be ready to deal with dad dating; they could be open to the idea but not receptive to having to share their holiday with you. You two perhaps can carve out some compromise for next year . . . Christmas Eve dinner with his then you split; he's there for his kids / grandkids Christmas morning then he comes to your afternoon Christmas event & the two of you spend all day on the 26th together.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Hmm, I'm in a fairly new relationship (I'm 43, he's 54) and he bought me tickets to spend the holidays with him out of state where he has a house, and initiated the idea of introducing me to his grown kids. While I wasn't expecting this so early, I was pleasantly surprised. If I were 15 months in and he still wasn't spending holidays with me, I would absolutely bail. There are great men out there who want the whole enchilada. As long as you stick with this guy, you're missing out on them.
FMW Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 You should certainly talk to him about your feelings. You start it with "I feel", not something that puts him on guard feeling he has to defend himself. Different people are comfortable with different paces in relationships. Some jump in with both feet - some just dabble a few toes and slowly wade in over time. 1 1
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) I see you came here to test out our reaction. Yes I would expect to be with my BF of 15 months, on Christmas day. Should have had a discussion about it right when plans were being made. Sitting there expecting/assuming him to "just know it by now" what you want is ridiculous. Like most guys, if you don't say anything, they think everything is OK with you. Talk to him about it, because your expectations are not out of line. Now if he gives you guff about it, or doesn't understand or sympathize how this makes you feel, then you two are too far apart in what you want out of this relationship. Is this why you haven't brought this up to him? In fear of finding out he isn't in it as much as you expected? Edited December 12, 2019 by smackie9 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Not spending two holidays in a row with you is a huge red flag. I could see if you two just started dating, but you've been together a while. My guess is he is not that into you.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) Anytime you feel this kind of sadness ... or hints of not being prioritized ... in my view is time to talk. Doesn't matter if you're "right" or if you're "over-reacting." The point of a relationship, a good one, is that the other person can hear where you're coming from ... and reassure you. And by speaking out, you reassure yourself and sometimes feelings pass once you speak your truth ... Right now, he might have no idea how you feel. And/or ... he might just be insecure about his family in ways you don't understand. There are many ways for him to meet this desire of yours to be with him for Christmas. Having you go with him to his family is one way. There are a thousand other ways. Speak out your feelings ... don't criticize ... just share your concern and feelings and see how he reacts. Withholding requires a lot of work. You have to hide your body language ... you have to do all kinds of pretending. And you're abandoning yourself. Speak to him! Edited December 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon 1
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 I really vehemently disagree with everybody who is saying he's just not that into her. Holidays are stressful & some families are tough to navigate. Not wanting to dive head first into a huge morass like Christmas is not necessarily an expression of disinterest. rosealee -- you have to talk to him about your mutual expectations. He may have no idea that you feel slighted. I lived with a man for 10 years. We spent 1 Christmas together & that was just fine with us. Yes, we may be outliers but it proves my point that not everybody celebrates the same way. Talk to your guy before you work yourself into an emotional lather convincing yourself based on zero facts that he doesn't love you. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 d0nnivain, you're making me realize that there's likely a spectrum of preferences on this topic, as on most. There are people like you who are content and even prefer a less close, connected, bonded, familial relationship, and others like me who prefer a very close, connected, bonded, familial relationship. My boyfriend and I are living almost like a married couple already, and we both love this so it comes very naturally to us. Neither of us needs the other to get along - we're typically lone wolves who do better than average on our own, but prefer all the wonderful things a closely bonded relationship brings. rosealee has expressed that she feels sad, lonely, and disappointed spending Christmas away from her man - perfectly natural for someone in the camp who wants a close bond. A person like this can never pretend to be satisfied with the more arms-length bond that some others might prefer. Therefore, it seems the relationship isn't going in the right direction to meet her needs and desires. 1
fishlips Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 44 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I really vehemently disagree with everybody who is saying he's just not that into her. Holidays are stressful & some families are tough to navigate. Not wanting to dive head first into a huge morass like Christmas is not necessarily an expression of disinterest. They've been together fifteen months though, not fifteen days. That's more than a year of dating. If he didn't celebrate Christmas then that would be a different story, but if it's important to him then why wouldn't he want her around? And I'm saying this as someone who doesn't actually celebrate Christmas, but I realize what a huge deal it is to some people. That seems to be the case for her and her bf. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) 1 minute ago, fishlips said: They've been together fifteen months though, not fifteen days. That's more than a year of dating. If he didn't celebrate Christmas then that would be a different story, but if it's important to him then why wouldn't he want her around? It may have to do with his kids' reaction to him bringing somebody else other then their mom around on the holidays. He could simply be clueless. He could feel not ready to mix together "Christmas". I'm serious, the idea of spending Christmas with somebody I had been dating for only 15 month would have me puking. . . as in please God don't make me do this. People have visceral reactions to holidays. We have no idea why he didn't include her. My point remains that she has to talk to HIM about how she's feeling. She can't just conclude he doesn't love her. Edited December 12, 2019 by d0nnivain 1
fishlips Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) Well, yes, I agree that she needs to ask him. However, what his kids think doesn't matter. He said they were grown, so it's not the same as if they were small children. Edited December 12, 2019 by fishlips spelling 1
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 I think it was quoted in her post that both him and her are close to each other's families, so this is why she is so confused as to why they are not spending Christmas together, with his kids. They get along really well. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 (edited) What the adult kids think does matter if they are going to be dreadful about it. Why force the issue? Just because she thinks they get along doesn't mean the kids want her there at Christmas. They could simply be too polite to say to her face, Christmas is family time & we don't want her here. He may also have thought she wanted to spend time with her family. If she never told him otherwise, how was he supposed to know what her expectations were? Yes it would be nice if everybody could get along at the holidays but you have to realize that is not always the case. At 15 months he may not be ready to take on his kids even if they are adults. If OP & her guy talk much of this could be resolved. Edited December 12, 2019 by d0nnivain
smackie9 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 Both me and my husband can't stand Christmas, and all the family crap that goes with it. But as bad as we feel about it, we just suck it up and plow through it, and have a lot of alcoholic beverages afterwards.
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