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How do I cope with my daughter's grief?


griefstricken

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griefstricken

I lost my husband to illness about 7 years ago and at that time, my daughter was 19 years old. She was away at college when this happened and then after she graduated, she left shortly thereafter to move far away for grad school and never moved back home b/c she has a boyfriend in the new town who she is serious with.  She still loves to come home and visit with me, my adult son (who is older but suffers from autism) and the family cat we've had for 16 years.  But she really doesn't want anyone else in our "circle" at least not for any more than a handful of hours.

But....I started dating within a year or so after I lost my husband and my daughter never seemed to accept who I was with (and in fact, was quite negative). Even though she said she didn't want me alone, she gave me a hard time. The only guy I dated that she seemed to somewhat accept was someone who lived far away and I only saw on Saturday nights into Sunday afternoon. He did go away with us on a family vacation and they got along but he was a docile kind of guy.

I don't know what to say to her.  I suspect she is behaving this way b/c she cannot accept her dad's death (they were very close).  So I don't want to come down on her too hard but it seems that whomever I'm with, she'll find fault with and doesn't want to be around...makes it hard when I'm in a committed relationship. 

If anyone has some advice, I'd appreciate it.

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First off, if she’s “far away”, not sure how much you should worry about this.

 

if she doesn’t have legitimate reasons (does she?) for disliking your BF, then it’s her problem to work through, not yours.  Be open, inviting and available to talk, all you can do...

 

Mr. Lucky 

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It is very rare that the kids like the dad or mom replacement.  Simple fact of life.  It's not complex and her dad's death isn't a good excuse if she is acting out with rude behavior or making you feel bad for having a life, so you be sure and gently let her know that it's not up to her and that it's your life, your choice and that you won't tolerate any rudeness towards him.  And I hope she's not doing the latter, but I suspect she is.  

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  • 5 weeks later...

I'm on the opposite side of this right now, my friend I have fallen in love with has been bereaved for 14 years, he wants to move on with me I think but I think he's worried how his daughter will perceive it, yes even now. And I totally understand, your kids come first, it takes however long it takes.

For my situation I just closed off any communication, it's his birthday so I reached out for the last time but you know what- I also deserve a better response than all this.

To answer your question, how do I fix my daughter's grief? You can't. It's her job as an adult now to fix herself. And you know sometimes, people get stuck so they become controlling and difficult for others, even though it's not really great for them in the long run.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

She's an adult and she has to navigate her grief her own way, but you could suggest she talk to someone about it if she's having difficulty seeing you move forward with your life. It would be one thing if she was younger and/or still lived with/near you. The good thing is that she is living her own life on her own terms and she needs to respect your right to do the same. It's perfectly okay for you to have an open discussion with her on the topic.

Edited by vla1120
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Have you considered telling her to mind her own business and stop being so controlling?  Grief isn't an excuse to be difficult, and you need to make it clear to her that you don't appreciate her meddling in your life to this extent. Expecting you to be alone with only your son for company is just downright selfish and mean of her.  I'd just tell her to keep any negative opinions to herself unless she can justify them.   

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On 12/11/2019 at 1:20 PM, griefstricken said:

it seems that whomever I'm with, she'll find fault with and doesn't want to be around...makes it hard when I'm in a committed relationship. 

Yes. That's normal. A child doesn't want to see their two parents having romance/sex let alone new partners. It's reality. There's no reason why you all have to shake down in the same space for any length of time? So don't force it. 

Everyone will come around, or not, naturally. It's not your problem to make everyone comfortable and happy.

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