jessie-ivy Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 Hi, I posted on another section of the forum and got some great advice, but I now have a more specific question that I think could be answered in this section. My husband has said that when he thinks about this woman he was in love with before he met me (she was just his friend, her feelings weren't mutual), that he has feelings for her. He says that if he saw her he might also have those same feelings--but then when I say I don't know if I want to stay with him if he has these feelings (we've been married a little over a year, he hasn't had any contact with her for about a year, she lives in another state and their friendship died about two years ago) he says "No, this won't affect our marriage, I don't think I would feel anything for her" (even though he jsut told me he WOULD). I'm so confused. This discussion has been going on for several months (of him wavering about how he feels about her or felt about her during the first six months of our marriage when he had several sexual fantasies about her). I know a lot of people might think that if he loves me (which I know he does--it shows) and if he doesn't prusue his feelings for her (he wants to put all this behidn him and just build our marriage, he stopped the fantasies about six months ago) that there's no real problem. However, I don't think I could let myself stay married to someone who has--for the years since we've been together--maintained these somewhat dormant feelings for an old interest of his. I also don't want to be married to someone who, if he runs into this woman or if she comes into his mind, would start to have romantic feelings for someone else. He cries and gets SO upset when I say all this b/c he thinks it's not really a part of our marriage/lives and that he wants to be with me and not with her, so I shouldn't be upset. But I don't know what to do about these feelings of his. Especially since it's been SO long since their friendship ended. I used to like other men too, before i was married, and all that faded. I don't get it. Any thoughts? I'm so confused. Thanks!
LucreziaBorgia Posted October 3, 2005 Posted October 3, 2005 I can understand your hurt and apprehension. However... Being married isn't some magic ring and piece of paper that causes the brain to reform itself so that the natural desires, attractions and feelings for others simply truncate themselves down to one person. That simply isn't how it works. Being married doesn't mean you won't ever have feelings for someone else. Being married doesn't mean you won't have sexual interest in someone else. Being married, though - for most people anyway, means that having those feelings is natural/normal, it is just a matter of choosing not to act on them or pursue them, and choosing to focus on one's spouse instead. Monogamy is a choice. Your husband is choosing that, regardless of these feelings he has. You are lucky that you and he have the sort of relationship where he can tell you this. The very fact that he can work this out in his head with you is what will allow for him to work out his feelings without having to turn to someone else in order to do that. It is when your partner HIDES this sort of thing that you have to worry about. At your current rate of how you are reacting to this, he will simply start hiding how he feels from you. Why would he share his true thoughts and feelings with you, if all you can offer in return is the threat of divorce? It is unfortunate for him that his honesty with you is met with threats of punishment for having very natural and normal feelings and sharing them with you. Just because he had them for an ex - and trust me, memories and feelings for an ex will stick around for a long time - doesn't mean he will have them for new women. It sounds like he has unresolved issues with the ex which never got a chance to be worked out and perhaps things in his marriage triggered some of the unresolved issues. Punishing him for his honesty and openness with you by threating divorce will do nothing but simply cause him to shut that honesty and openness with you off. When that happens, those feelings he is having will become more intense and he will begin to see himself as "trapped" instead of "married". When that happens, fantasy sneaks into those feelings and he will begin to actually form a yearning on top of those feelings and begin to wonder if someone else will be more accepting of him than you are. That is a worst-case scenario, of course. It will be unfortunate though. Its rare to find someone who loves you enough to be willing to open up about how they are really feeling instead of hide it from you and end up having an affair anyway. If it is really causing problems in your marriage, then suggest marriage counseling. It sounds like you and he have a lot to say to each other, and a lot to listen to and actually hear as well.
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