Horrendous experience after I said I didn’t wish to date further (1st date)

December 12, 2019

16 hours ago, Twizzlestick said:

Towards the end she directly put to me “so, if you didn’t want to see someone again, would you tell them on the date”.

So far, I can't find anything to assure the reading audience that the question above automatically intimated that it wasn't her who didn't want to see him again.

All of the swearing may have been at his having automatically assumed this was about him potentially not wanting to see her again.

Furthermore it was he, not her, who instead of answering the direct questions, attempted to dodge them, perhaps in the process effecting his own later fate.

It remains entirely possible that she was looking for permission to explain to him that she didn't want to see him again, and she got mad when he assumed something else.

December 12, 2019

As a woman I feel her behaviour was unacceptable.

She 1) Should have respected your time and not have assumed and ordered more drinks

2) Asking for a second date on the first in that manner is intrusive and not giving either party some down time to analyze the date and decide if they want to go forward for a second

3) Her screen shotting her Whatsapp is pathetic and manipulative

4) You explained clearly and have every right to decide not to see her again. Might be disappointing if you liked someone but if she had any sense she would have just realised you were complete strangers anyway and no real loss.

It is sad as you may have ended up with a new friend if she was not bat s*** bonkers.

Well done on having your instincts sharp and keep trusting them. I read a good quote the other day about giving people the benefit of the doubt.... ‘Animals never give predators the benefit of the doubt - because they end up being eaten’.

December 12, 2019

5 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

So far, I can't find anything to assure the reading audience that the question above automatically intimated that it wasn't her who didn't want to see him again.

All of the swearing may have been at his having automatically assumed this was about him potentially not wanting to see her again.

Furthermore it was he, not her, who instead of answering the direct questions, attempted to dodge them, perhaps in the process effecting his own later fate.

It remains entirely possible that she was looking for permission to explain to him that she didn't want to see him again, and she got mad when he assumed something else.

Right, first off you’re wrong. She made it CRYSTAL clear she wanted to see me again. I did put that in the post. She categorically stated....

“I really want to see you again” during the date.

She kept telling me how even prior to a date she was just knew if she would click with someone and only went on a date with those people and told me that’s how it is isn’t it? I just nodded as it was clear she was quite forceful.

Further more, it wasn’t just “swearing” as you call it - it was a stream of abuse sent over twelve hours, using multiple platforms and two different phones (she said she thought she’d been blocked adding -fair enough). One of those things where you have to be on the other end of it to appreciate it.

further more, I’m not sure how you think it’s acceptable to force someone in person to tell you if they didn’t want to see you again. This person wasn’t asking once and letting it go. She spent a good solid ten mins, trying to force an answer. I’m a confident sort of person but this made me incredibly uneasy. For good reason it seems. I didn’t dodge as you infer. I answered the course of action that was least likely to have a drink Thrown at me by someone who clearly wasn’t operating on all cylinders.

so just to clarify, all of what you wrote above is incorrect.

And just to get to the bones of one thing. Even if you were correct, which is not the case it does not justify the behaviour I received or even explain it. Many people get disappointment during dates and don’t act like that. If I did that to a woman in the U.K., it’s a 50/50 as to whether the police would be involved. It’s not on.

Edited December 12, 2019 by Twizzlestick

December 12, 2019

9 hours ago, Saracena said:

You mention she apologised, out of interest did she offer any excuse for her behaviour?

Hey Saracena. Yes, It was quite strange. The first sort of apologetic message wasn’t really an apology really. A “sorry, but I did it because I found your message odd”. This was a repeat of what she’d said before she blew up.

After I sent my polite message explaining I didn’t feel the spark. What she meant by this thing “ I found it odd” was that I didn’t wish to see her again after in her eyes “we’d got on so well”. So it’s hardly anything odd really - it’s something that unfolds on most dates. Just not a click for one person. To take it to her view anyone who goes on a date and is liked by the other person must continue dating otherwise that would be odd. Strange.

(This bit took place before she started sending abusive texts). That was when I replied that yes, we did get on, but in my eyes as you would in a friendly fashion and that for me the spark wasn’t quite there, it’s hard to explain etc and it’s just how I felt.

I found and still find it bizarre that I had to explain or justify to someone that you can have a nice chat but your romantic feelings are naturally a complex beast and to be respected. Anymore than chatting with someone in the supermarket que doesn’t infer love. But I sense she was quite a controlling person who didn’t respect people’s feelings and why she found it odd was that she had decided she liked me and her mind couldn’t permit that I would feel differently. In essence the rejection made her furious.

The later apologies that kept coming became more apologetic but never gave an answer however lacking, as to why (drink etc). I think she was apologetic for her own benefit, rather than sincere, as she stated that she had used a different phone as I had blocked her first one. She added that was “fair enough” that she’d been blocked ( I hadn’t actually blocked her, just fallen asleep)

She also referred to it all as “sorry I had a little bit of a go at you”. So it wasn’t really an apology and she didn’t acknowledge or own how bad it was instead diminished it all down to a “little bit of a go”. A bit concerning to think what she regards as really losing her temper!

I think she woke up and realised what she’d sent could land her in hot water with anyone else and thought she’d better send something nice to try and save grace and put something on record that wasn’t so vehement in language.

I didn’t reply to any of it after she blew up. As a friend said “just watch the fire embers die down from a distance, don’t go and fan them”

December 12, 2019

1 hour ago, Twizzlestick said:

But I sense she was quite a controlling person who didn’t respect people’s feelings and why she found it odd was that she had decided she liked me and her mind couldn’t permit that I would feel differently. In essence the rejection made her furious.

Exactly. Yes, she most definitely is controlling. I got that sense as well when you wrote about how insistent she was. As I said I've met people like that who plough on regardless no matter how uncomfortable the other person is about responding.

So no 'apology' like I forgot to take my medication. Or I was high on coke or whatever etc? Out of interest (if you don't mind revealing) was she from UK?

December 12, 2019

28 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Exactly. Yes, she most definitely is controlling. I got that sense as well when you wrote about how insistent she was. As I said I've met people like that who plough on regardless no matter how uncomfortable the other person is about responding.

So no 'apology' like I forgot to take my medication. Or I was high on coke or whatever etc? Out of interest (if you don't mind revealing) was she from UK?

Yep she’s from the U.K. same as myself

December 16, 2019

You're totally in the right, she's probably just wants to meet someone and get off the internet as quick as she can. I respect that you are honest by telling her straight, because sometimes it takes more guts to do that then it does to Ghost them, good luck with the next one

December 16, 2019

To all those who come on here to b%$^& and complain about being ghosted on or ignored....this is why. Most people accept and move on np...BUT then you have ones that are potentially dangerous.

OP, if this keeps up for days, then yes let the police darken her doorstep. Harassment is harassment no matter who's doing it.

December 16, 2019

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

To all those who come on here to b%$^& and complain about being ghosted on or ignored....this is why. Most people accept and move on np...BUT then you have ones that are potentially dangerous.

OP, if this keeps up for days, then yes let the police darken her doorstep. Harassment is harassment no matter who's doing it.

I guess they're the people who wouldn't dream of behaving like her , so difficult for them to understand why someone just disappeared on them. Also it's not the only reason ppl ghost!

I'm sure if she'd turned up at OP's place of work in a leather coat, saying she'd two tickets to some opera or other and would like to make it up to him for her OTT behaviour last time, he'd have let us know by now!

December 16, 2019

Doesn't matter what she thought. Her actions were crazy and unacceptable, blowing up the phone of a near stranger. (or anyone really).

December 16, 2019

38 minutes ago, Saracena said:

I guess they're the people who wouldn't dream of behaving like her , so difficult for them to understand why someone just disappeared on them. Also it's not the only reason ppl ghost!

I'm sure if she'd turned up at OP's place of work in a leather coat, saying she'd two tickets to some opera or other and would like to make it up to him for her OTT behaviour last time, he'd have let us know by now!

I for one would never dream of behaving like her because I've never been so delusional to think I'm everyone's cup of tea. Saying if this woman showed up in a leather coat naked OP might go for it isn't giving OP the credit he deserves.

December 16, 2019

Had an experience last night that made me think of this thread. This guy texted me last night and I answered because I didn’t want to be rude and he’s a nice enough guy. I just don’t like him like that. There’s zero interest on my part.

So after obliging him for awhile, I’m trying to just fade away with the conversation. Trying to just stop talking.

But he doesn’t take the hint. He asks me if he can come down on New Years Eve and be with me. I said no politely but he said he was going to show up.

All of sudden, I don’t know what came over me but I had such a self preservation mode going that I just blurted out “NO!!! I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU. I don’t want to spend anything with you !! “

He says “ wow you’re mean.” With a stupid sad face.

I should’ve never answered.

Edited December 16, 2019 by K.K.

December 16, 2019

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

I for one would never dream of behaving like her because I've never been so delusional to think I'm everyone's cup of tea. Saying if this woman showed up in a leather coat naked OP might go for it isn't giving OP the credit he deserves.

Gosh no, that's not what I meant at all! I was responding to Smackie's post In the first part I was referring to people who come on here to complain about ghosting ie namely those who don't realise this OTT behaviour can be one of the reasons folk do it, simply because they, like you or I, would never have behaved like that themselves! I'd never known anyone behave like this, for instance until I read about it on here and wouldn't dream of acting like this myself, ever. I wasn't defending the woman at all for this crazy behaviour. My comment had nothing to do with her! Or justifying her behaviour.

The second part was referring to the scene in Fatal Attraction when Glenn Close later visits Michael Douglas's workplace out of the blue to ask him out again. Again something already referenced in the thread, not to be taken seriously! Where have I said OP would go for it? Or she was naked? All I meant was that is she'd been harrassing him, he'd more than likely come back to us here to let us know! He had mentioned at one point that although he'd blocked her, she knew where he worked!

December 17, 2019

She does sounds wildly over the top and a potential stalker. She does not know your address I hope. Does she know your full name? You said she knows where you work.

Just be cautious, she is weird enough to take this further. I hope she lives far away from you.

December 17, 2019

Ok. This story makes my hairs stand on end. I'm already put off by the whole dating scene n staying single for awhile.

Now I might become a nun .

That's seriously mental health issues. I'm glad you didn't feel the connection. Imagine if you did!!!

December 17, 2019

Who knows what she was thinking? Maybe she was desperate to at least have a prospect she could text over the holidays. Maybe earlier that day her sister made a cutting remark about how she could never keep a man. Maybe she was drinking. Maybe she's just legitimately unwell. Her explosion was definitely not about you---that seemed like a very specific frustration, or perhaps a lot of rejection, coming out at once. At any rate, it doesn't matter because it's not your problem. You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a missile.

Most women have bad experiences like this very early on when online dating. (I had guys threaten to track me down and rape me.) It for sure changes the way you approach people and consider your personal safety. All of the rules you suggested sound very good, but I'd add a few more:

1) Always tell someone when you're going on a date, and include where you're going and when.

2) Never give a new date your address and don't talk about the specific location of your home or work. Don't reveal location information about your daily routine (e.g. "oh yeah, I go jogging there every morning") until you trust the person.

3) Awful dates deserve great whisk(e)y. Pour yourself some Lagavulin 16 or Oban. The High West Bourye is really good too.

We've all been there. I'm glad you're safe. At least you have a new low benchmark; the next few dates will probably seem blissful in comparison.

Edited December 17, 2019 by lana-banana

December 18, 2019

If the actions you described constituted your "horrendous" experience, then you seem to be a bit on the softer side. I really expected something like, she started stalking my family, slit my tires, killed my dog, badmouthed me at work, etc. Her behavior would lean more on the annoying side.

December 18, 2019

On 12/12/2019 at 1:03 AM, Twizzlestick said:

further more, I’m not sure how you think it’s acceptable to force someone in person to tell you if they didn’t want to see you again. This person wasn’t asking once and letting it go. She spent a good solid ten mins, trying to force an answer. I’m a confident sort of person but this made me incredibly uneasy. For good reason it seems. I didn’t dodge as you infer. I answered the course of action that was least likely to have a drink Thrown at me by someone who clearly wasn’t operating on all cylinders.

The bottom line is this:

You brought yourself to the setting, and then instead of having the guts to be honest as is expected, appropriate and fair once in that setting, you dodged clear questions without answering and then later became irritated when she was put-off by your unwillingness to be fair once in the shared setting.

Beyond that, you have zero understanding as to the word "force". No one "forced" you to do anything.

The reality in the equation is most probably that she (has so many options that she need not waste time), and that you, through your own unwillingness to answer a simple question, further hinted at your moral fabric, and things went south from there.

In addition, there was nothing "CRYSTAL clear" in your message about whether she wanted to see you again. In fact, your first reference to what she (could/might/may have) wanted was when merely attempting to justify your evasion of her question.

You then admitted you "indicated (while on the date, you were) interested (in her)".

Somehow you first "parted ways" and (then?) were "discussing" your would-be next date. (It takes two to "discuss").

The group here can't even tell how much alcohol she had during this fiasco, but alcohol likely exacerbated what is the most typical (woman has better options) scenario.

Eventually you'll ascend to "honesty is the best policy".

December 18, 2019

2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The bottom line is this:

You brought yourself to the setting, and then instead of having the guts to be honest as is expected, appropriate and fair once in that setting, you dodged clear questions without answering and then later became irritated when she was put-off by your unwillingness to be fair once in the shared setting.

Beyond that, you have zero understanding as to the word "force". No one "forced" you to do anything.

The reality in the equation is most probably that she (has so many options that she need not waste time), and that you, through your own unwillingness to answer a simple question, further hinted at your moral fabric, and things went south from there.

In addition, there was nothing "CRYSTAL clear" in your message about whether she wanted to see you again. In fact, your first reference to what she (could/might/may have) wanted was when merely attempting to justify your evasion of her question.

You then admitted you "indicated (while on the date, you were) interested (in her)".

Somehow you first "parted ways" and (then?) were "discussing" your would-be next date. (It takes two to "discuss").

The group here can't even tell how much alcohol she had during this fiasco, but alcohol likely exacerbated what is the most typical (woman has better options) scenario.

Eventually you'll ascend to "honesty is the best policy".

You don't think it's awkward asking that while on the date? Most people don't like being put on the spot like that.

December 18, 2019

7 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

The bottom line is this:

You brought yourself to the setting, and then instead of having the guts to be honest as is expected, appropriate and fair once in that setting, you dodged clear questions without answering and then later became irritated when she was put-off by your unwillingness to be fair once in the shared setting.

Beyond that, you have zero understanding as to the word "force". No one "forced" you to do anything.

The reality in the equation is most probably that she (has so many options that she need not waste time), and that you, through your own unwillingness to answer a simple question, further hinted at your moral fabric, and things went south from there.

In addition, there was nothing "CRYSTAL clear" in your message about whether she wanted to see you again. In fact, your first reference to what she (could/might/may have) wanted was when merely attempting to justify your evasion of her question.

You then admitted you "indicated (while on the date, you were) interested (in her)".

Somehow you first "parted ways" and (then?) were "discussing" your would-be next date. (It takes two to "discuss").

The group here can't even tell how much alcohol she had during this fiasco, but alcohol likely exacerbated what is the most typical (woman has better options) scenario.

Eventually you'll ascend to "honesty is the best policy".

I think you’re trying to have a go at me for the sake of argueing because you wish your point to stick. You’re the only one on this thread insistently and with some energy trying to make me feel I’m responsible for all this. Your astonishingly misplaced conviction is surprising given you weren’t actually there.

That she wished to see me again was abundantly clear in my post. “explaining she wanted to see me.”. You seem to have a problem with this but it’s pretty clear. You’re the only person again having an issue with it.

As for mentioning it takes two to discuss you’re now picking apart semantics to have an angle. It’s clear you just want to blame me and have a go. I’ll entertain it for a second. It’s a turn of phrase that’s all . As I’ve said before this woman was incredibly insistent and had made me feel uneasy by things she said prior to the date and during the date, I needn’t remind you her behaviour subsequently COMPLETELY validation my concerns and decision to not reject her there and then. Are you missing that elephant in the room?

I didn’t doge due lack of moral fibre as you keep trying to tell the world (I did more than some guys, explained I wasn’t interested after and never exploded back at her), I answered in the best way to get out of there without her exploding. I just had instinct. You weren’t there, I was. I don’t owe that woman ANYTHING. No one has the right to be interrogated for ten mins and then have to say what’s truly in their mind lest some unpleasant finger pointing individual on a chat forum calls their integrity. No one. As for this “two to tango” it was more her sayain’t that on my next date she’d come to we’re I lived and me making “mm yeah” noises. Happy now? It’s all rather by the point. Anymore than if a girl tells me I’m interested it doesn’t justify if I then go and stalk her.

I’m actually astonished you’re trying to put this on me by questioning my moral fibre. How dare you. There is nothing wrong with my moral fibre and in this scenario I did NOTHING wrong. I didn’t answer her as I’ve told you, it was not pleasant. You weren’t there

im further astonished that you’ve reduced and diminished her entire behaviour and ownership down to a product of my moral fibre. What are you a white knight? Are you this person? What she sent was bad. Leave it at that.

if you’re going to comment on things you weren’t witness too and have a go at people you might wish to dial back your finger pointing a little.

I won’t acsend to anything. I know I made the correct judgement in this case. I AM a person with a high moral code and have been told before by people I’m too nice. For once in my life I feel happy I didn’t do anything wrong here and didn’t deserve this.

December 18, 2019

There actually was a further update. I did get stung (right term?) by her again ha. What happened that night knocked my confidence a bit after the breakup from a ten year rele last year and sent back some painful feelings of the past. I had a pick yourself up chat with myself after reading the posts on here, decided to shelve it and forget about it. Absent mind-idly looking whilst bored one day, I swiped on a girl with a nice few photos and a couple of lines near me that really chimed. We matched and I sent a pleasant opening line.

Blimey, what I got back was her again. Saying stuff about my job, how people at my firm doing my job are “worse” than at another company (I won’t name them or what I do but it’s info she knows as she used to work in the same field for said other firm). It went on, basically swearing at me calling me a sad lonely person who’s likely shxggxxg my way around the world and is now lonely and wants a wife. It was her, she’d made a fake profile. Everything in the new tirade a repeat and info no stranger would know. Some of it was comical in its childishness if it wasn’t so damn sinister she’d gone to the effort to do that. I went to “report” and she unmatched as quickly as you like.

That was a week back and luckily nothing since. She doesn’t know the town where I live or my address.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Twizzlestick

December 19, 2019

Wait so you matched the same lady? Lol

Yikes though, This kind of stuff is the reason many people choose to ghost and ruin it for normal people. Sounds like her ego couldn’t handle it.

Edited December 19, 2019 by Cookiesandough

December 19, 2019

Hope to god she doesn't find this site and post a thread asking "why do guys keep ditching her after the first date". *eek!*

December 19, 2019

A sad situation really--she obviously has mental health issues

December 19, 2019

I think every woman who has ever done online dating has his this same exact experience in reverse, and sometimes it's even before a first date! So, now you know what women mean when they say they are afraid to tell a man the truth about not being interested.

I've never actually heard of a woman doing it. She sounds unhinged.

Edited December 19, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic

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Horrendous experience after I said I didn’t wish to date further (1st date)

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