Horrendous experience after I said I didn’t wish to date further (1st date)

[Twizzlestick]

Hello - for those that don’t know me I’m a man.

 

Met a lady for a date. The lead up had been pretty swift. Pretty quick into the date. I realised I didn’t find her as attractive as I’d hoped when we met. Regardless I’d made the effort to come to see her, and she’d made the effort, so best foot forward I wanted to enjoy a nice few drinks and chat as that’s manners. We chatted for a couple of hours. I did want to leave after about an hour, but when I went to the bathroom she’d bought more drinks. So it kind of span it out. 

 

Towards the end she directly put to me “so, if you didn’t want to see someone again, would you tell them on the date”. Mm. I knew where this was going. I tried to fence this off in various manners. She became quite insistent. It went on for a solid ten minutes of her trying to fence me in on this. She basically wanted to know if I wanted to see her again, explaining she wanted to see me. I can’t explain it, but I felt DECIDIDLY uneasy. All my instincts were firing off that this wasn’t right, I’ve never put a girl on the spot like this, or been so insistent and equally I like to go away and digest my thoughts in my own time. It’s basic respect. I also didn’t trust how she’d react. Something just niggled. Perhaps it was her insistence. So I said “sure”. We parted ways and already she was discussing our next date.

 

i drove up the road and received a text from her saying she liked meeting etc. Mm. I thought, I need to sort this out and communicate it’s not for me. I wrote a message explaining I’d had a lovely time but that on the drive back I’d considered the spark wasn’t there for me and that when put on the spot I’d indicated I was interested but in hindsight i wasn’t correct. I apologised and wished her well. Bare in mind this isn’t a rele we were in. It’s a FIRST date with a stranger I’d “known” for 3 days.

 

What I received  next over the next 12 hours still shocks me. At first an “ok”. Then a series of escalating texts escalating into a tirade. Getting angrier and angrier .It went on all night. I responded once after the first angry text,  explaining I had every right as a person not to choose to see someone again, that I don’t deserve to be spoken in such a fashion. and that I hoped she would respect my wishes. And then I went to bed.

 

Well I fell asleep. The phone was blown up all night, inc a missed call with abusve swearing texts called my “fxxxx” idiot a “xxxx” etc. You get the idea. Included in this period was a missed call, using more than one message app to try to reach me and using a different number incase id blocked the first. The next morning a series of half hearted apologies from her. The reason I didn’t block immediately is I felt really really alarmed by this and wanted to keep an eye incase she started getting even more weird. In the end she stopped. And now I’ve blocked. I’ve screen shotted everything.

 

This girl had the utter ordacity to say this is why she didn’t use dating apps. What? Because someone didn’t wish to see her again and had the gaul to actually tell her? All that she had was a perfectly pleasant drive a good way to meet her, treat her with manners who politely explained he didn’t wish to date further. And I did that quickly. Women moan like anything about ghosters etc.  I did it right. I do not feel bad for the date as she made me downright uncomfortable with her passive aggressive insistence I give her an answer. I just felt unease and didn’t fancy a drink thrown in my face. My gut just told me. Turns out I was right!

 

if anything it was I who felt pretty low the next day. I hadn’t done anything wrong and received all that. I can’t help but perceive if it were I that had sent that to a woman then the local Police might be darkening my doorstep the next day. 

 

It was a low moment and hope it doesn’t happen again 

Edited December 11, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Blind-Sided]

WOW.  Ummmm...  Don't even know how to respond.  I guess this is why I haven't tried any on-line dating.  Just never know what kind of crazy you will meet.   But I'm glad you wound up safe.  Anyway... from your story... you didn't do anything wrong... and good luck with the next one.

[Saracena]

She sounds nuts to be honest and your initial instincts proved to be right. When I read about her insistence, alarm bells went as a hate people like that who, despite it being obvious you don't want to tell them something, plough on regardless. Shows a very insensitive, disrespectful, if not controlling side.

 

You're right in that heaven knows what she'd have done if you'd given her an answer on the date! Count yourself lucky you acted the way you did! 

[Cersei]

You did everything right. She is a hot mess.  

 

Don't worry about this as she is the one who is making herself look stupid. 

[d0nnivain]

Yikes.  She was in the wrong.  You were honest & didn't ghost.  That puts you head & shoulders above many. 

 

Alas I had the same experience.  After a 1st date that I decidedly didn't enjoy when the guy started talking about marriage I point blank said no thanks.  He was never mean & certainly not as psycho as this woman but he made a pest of himself to the point I had to threaten a restraining order.  

[Wanderlust2018]

Wow, this is pretty crazy and you dodged a bullet! She’s probably telling her girlfriends “what a jerk” you were...not that that matters to you, but... 

 

I’m glad you shared this. As a man, I really get tired of how often we’re “stereotyped” by women as being the ones who behave badly or act crazy. I’ve encountered similar situations as you over the years with women, who I’ve met both online and organically.

 

Try not to let this experience jade you. 

 

 

[stillafool]

This is why men just ghost these days.  You dodged a bullet for sure.  No wonder she's having problems but it sounds like she goes through this a lot and that is why she's so frustrated.

[lurker74]

Be thankful. You don't have to worry about having any doubts on this one. She did you a favor. 

[K.K.]

Yep, this is exactly why people ghost. No way in hell Im telling some guy that he doesn’t give me a spark. I want to live. 

[Watercolors]

Your situation reminds me of this clip from the movie HER. 
 

 

Edited December 11, 2019 by Watercolors

[fromheart]

She's a psycho.  And she wonders why men aren't interested.

Block her, if it somehow continues notify the police.  Thankfully you didn't go to a private place with her, so you don't have to worry about false sexual abuse allegations.

[Twizzlestick]

Thank you folks, all of you. I’ll tell you a couple of things.

 

Something I found distinctly sinister and actually makes me shudder was she presented an air of being utterly balanced, very friendly, if somewhat forward. The only thing that showed the flag to me - and luckily I trusted my instinct on this - was when she became incredibly insistent towards the end. She was far from unattractive (just not my spark personally) so I can see someone being lured in and agreeing to subsequent dates.

 

God only knows what maladies await if you dumped her after 6 dates or forbid say a full rele. She certainly had more victims in the pipeline as one of those numerous explosive texts contained a screenshot of her WhatsApp showing other men she was talking to (I noted all her comms with them were timed after I’d expkained I no longer wished to se her). She added underneath “this is how bothered I am - your loss - onto the next”. Well it wasn’t a case of into the next, as the rest of the night was more angry texts sent my way.

 

 

The other thing was she texted prior to the date that she was watching the film “Fatal attraction”. We joked that it was the one about the rabbit that gets boiled in a pot. She said that film put men off and gave women a bad name. . The irony. I think she must have been using it as study material.

 

This has taught me one thing, my gut instinct is spot on. I’m quite perceptive and in the past I’ve been known to override it. From now on I’ll trust that gift like I did that night.

[Ruby Slippers]

This woman is crazy. You did nothing wrong, just bad luck. Maybe screen a little more carefully next time for someone with an upbeat, positive attitude and self-sufficiency.

[mark clemson]

Call yourself Neo, cuz that bullet just whizzed by. Whew! 

[fishlips]

She's nuts. Maybe you should change your number, seriously. She doesn't know your address, hopefully?

[Twizzlestick]

13 minutes ago, fishlips said:

She's nuts. Maybe you should change your number, seriously. She doesn't know your address, hopefully?

 

No she doesn’t know where I love thank God other than the county (I’m in U.K.). I’ve blocked the number. So far no weird calls. She knows who I work for though (fairly high profile firm) which does concern me a little. I’m hoping she has blown her crazy psycho steam and that’s the last of it. Any hint of anything weird and I’m contacting the Police to register it.

[Lotsgoingon]

1 hour ago, Twizzlestick said:

 

This has taught me one thing, my gut instinct is spot on. I’m quite perceptive and in the past I’ve been known to override it. From now on I’ll trust that gift like I did that night.

 

Twizzlestick, sounds like you dodged a bullet ... well the bullet was aimed at you after the date, it seems! ... But you had some distance.

 

So it's great to learn to trust that gut ... now, I'll suggest going one step further. Seems like you got a bit trapped in being nice and kind and playing out the date and all of that.  Seriously, why not leave after an hour? Heck, after half an hour?!

 

I have generally found that the longer I spend with someone on a date, the more they think I like them for dating (where I was just going along because I liked them as people.)  And vice versa, when I was younger and bad at reading people ... if someone spent several hours with me on a date, I assumed she was into me.  You sound like a warm type ... and one downside of having that great quality is that you can be so charming and friendly that people mistake that quality for romantic interest. Just something to be aware of. 

[Twizzlestick]

19 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

 

Twizzlestick, sounds like you dodged a bullet ... well the bullet was aimed at you after the date, it seems! ... But you had some distance.

 

So it's great to learn to trust that gut ... now, I'll suggest going one step further. Seems like you got a bit trapped in being nice and kind and playing out the date and all of that.  Seriously, why not leave after an hour? Heck, after half an hour?!

 

I have generally found that the longer I spend with someone on a date, the more they think I like them for dating (where I was just going along because I liked them as people.)  And vice versa, when I was younger and bad at reading people ... if someone spent several hours with me on a date, I assumed she was into me.  You sound like a warm type ... and one downside of having that great quality is that you can be so charming and friendly that people mistake that quality for romantic interest. Just something to be aware of. 

 

Thanks lots going on. Good point!

 

Yes I’ve thought about that one too. I do subscribe to the thought that it’s not my responsibility to alter folk from their second guessing before they wait for me to directly communicate I wish to continue. But it is a good suggestion to protect myself from such potentially (who knows) dangerous individuals as this one in the future haha.

 

I’ve got to come up with better excuses up my pocket as to why I’m going early. It’s a real takeaway thing I’m going to do in future.

 

Funnily my attempts at not appearing interested romantically worked to some degree because she said during the date and thus was another point she became very insistent on getting answers to (and seemed quite miffed) that she couldn’t “read me”. That I wasn’t giving anything away. This was probably subconscious on my part because I was not interested and seemed to be well placed by my brain as I didn’t want to give her any ammunition to feed a curious hunting mind. 

 

The way I work myself if I’m with a girl she might be giving me alsorts of signals to me. I allow myself to read into it, but I don’t hold her mentally responsible if she says afterwards she’s not interested. I’m lucky to be emotionally switched on enough to recognise that people have the design of choice and unless she specifically communicates she wants to see me again, it’s all guess work and that’s all on me. And even then folk change their minds. And that’s cool. Free will and all.

 

Take away points I've learned that hopefully will keep others safe.

 

1/ trust your gut instincts 

2/ don’t hang about. Go early if it’s not for you, even if they keep buying you drinks. Just make excuses.

3/ never ever be coerced or manipulated into saying you don’t want to see someone again during a date. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited December 11, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Saracena]

3 hours ago, Twizzlestick said:

 

 

 

The other thing was she texted prior to the date that she was watching the film “Fatal attraction”. We joked that it was the one about the rabbit that gets boiled in a pot. She said that film put men off and gave women a bad name. . The irony. I think she must have been using it as study material.

 

3 hours ago, Twizzlestick said:

Actually, this is what crossed my mind as well when I read how she reacted and ironically I meant to refer to this in my first post but forgot.  Which of course begs the question, what on earth was going on in this woman's head? Of course she crazy but what she hoped to achieve is completely beyond me!! Yes, you're absolutely right you'd never have managed to extricate yourself had a been in a relationship with her!

 

Out of interest how old was she?

 

 

 

 

[an0nym0us123]

I had one who i never actally met just chatted with that threatened to "come find me"

 

One thing i do these days is not give out my true location when they ask. I tell them in near a town which is 10 miles away. Bear in mind most of my matches are 50miles away they wont really know.

[preraph]

She's an unbalanced person and probably a stalker type nut.

[Twizzlestick]

1 hour ago, Saracena said:

 

 

 

She was 33 and had a responsible job. I don’t know what she hoped to achieve. Just pure rage. It was rage at being “rejected” I think. Makes me wonder if I stepped on the toes of someone with a genuine nefarious psychological issue like psychopath or something. Who knows. 

Edited December 11, 2019 by Twizzlestick

[Watercolors]

Maybe there's a reason she has the movie Fatal Attraction memorized....

 

 

[Saracena]

You mention she apologised, out of interest did she offer any excuse for her behaviour? 

[The Outlaw]

People should at least respect your decision if you decide you don't want to date them without going off the rails like she did. It's almost thought you were obligated to date her and when you didn't, here comes the craziness. You dodged a bullet.