Jet8419 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 I just started seeing this guy 2 months ago and we’ve been getting along well. He’s never mentioned other women before, and every time I asked what’s he been up to over the weekend, he always said he’s working (he did send me a picture of him at work once, not that I asked for it though) or spending time with his mates. Last Saturday, I dropped by his place for a short visit and he picked up a call from a woman, put her on loud speaker and I obviously heard everything. The conversation went like this: Woman: Hey. I’m driving now. So breakfast tomorrow? Him: Yup, whatever time you like. I’m up by 5am anyway. Woman: Yeah ok, we could do it early I guess. Him: Ok. Just text me when you’re in the car and I’ll be ready. See you. Woman: Yeah ok. See you. Bye. And then he hung up the phone and resumed our conversation as though we were never interrupted. I was curious about who that was but didn’t ask him since I thought I shouldn’t pry too much into his privacy, but here I am still wondering who she is and whether that was a gesture to openly tell me he’s seeing someone else? Of course I understand he’s got the option of seeing others since we aren’t exclusive, but would be nice if he could just straight up tell me early on?
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) Are you sleeping together? What is the basis of your "relationship"? You may not be " exclusive", but if you are looking for a relationship then you need to find out where he stands, in order to not waste your time. There is also the STI risk to consider. Why do you ask what he has been up to over the weekend, do you rarely see him at week ends? If not that may be suspicious too. Edited December 11, 2019 by elaine567
Author Jet8419 Posted December 11, 2019 Author Posted December 11, 2019 No, we aren’t sleeping together. We’re still in the stage of getting to know each other. I was away for a month, so we texted only a few times then, hence I was asking him how he’s keeping busy over those weekends. I have been to his place a few times during the day on weekends, and all these while he’s been home even if I spring a last minute visit when I am around his area.
dramallama Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 Could she be a female friend? A colleague? If they were seeing each other, surely there'd have been *some* affection / indication in the conversation (can't wait to see you, bla)? I don't think anyone would be so crass as to put the other woman on loud speaker, but it does take all sorts.... 2
Art_Critic Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 He obviously wanted you to hear his conversation or at least wanted to be transparent to who he was seeing... IMO taking any call on speaker in ear shot of someone he is dating shows this, he was either being transparent, trying to invoke jealousy, or just showing off.. Honestly you should expect him to be seeing others, till you are only seeing each other then the answer is always a yes.
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 If you want monogamy & exclusivity perhaps you need to bring it up.
Wanderlust2018 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 Why assume the worst? I could totally see myself having a conversation just like that (and probably have) with my sister, as we’re close and it’s not uncommon for us to make plans to meet for breakfast or lunch. 2
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 Just now, Wanderlust2018 said: Why assume the worst? At 2 months in, which is really only one because she was away, before they are intimate assuming he is multi-dating is prudent. It's not a worst case scenario. It's just a fact of modern life. You have to assume you are not exclusive until you both make mutual promises to be exclusive.
stillafool Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 Why don't you just ask him if he is seeing other women?
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 He should have casually mentioned after the call whether she was a friend, co-worker, date, etc...so that you wouldn't be put in a position to guess. The fact that he didn't means he doesn't think highly enough of you to care what you assume. 2
Wanderlust2018 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 1 hour ago, d0nnivain said: At 2 months in, which is really only one because she was away, before they are intimate assuming he is multi-dating is prudent. It's not a worst case scenario. It's just a fact of modern life. You have to assume you are not exclusive until you both make mutual promises to be exclusive. I’ll take pragmatism over assumptions any day... People can assume anything, that doesn’t mean those same assumptions are remotely accurate or true. 2
Watercolors Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) 50 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He should have casually mentioned after the call whether she was a friend, co-worker, date, etc...so that you wouldn't be put in a position to guess. The fact that he didn't means he doesn't think highly enough of you to care what you assume. I agree with GeorgiaPeach1. He doesn't respect you at this point to consider your feelings. He sounds like a multidater the way he put that call on speaker for you to hear, without bothering to give you any context after he and this woman finished speaking. Kind of immature the way he did that to you. The call would have rattled me enough to prompt me to ask him, "Hey, is that your girlfriend?" Never assume you're exclusive whether or not you're sleeping together. And don't wait for any guy to "tell" you anything. Most of the time, if a guy can get away with keeping secrets, he will. So you have to take the initiative here in your situation and ask this guy who she is, tell him what your expectations are (do you want to date him, or just be friends) and then give him a chance to respond. Do not let him have the control here. You have to take charge of your situation and not wait for this guy to divulge any information about this mysterious caller's identity. If you want an answer, you need to ask the questions. Edited December 11, 2019 by Watercolors 1
Lotsgoingon Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) He totally should have mentioned that this was a friend or whatever after that call. He should have explained their friendship ... assuming this was a friend. Which you don't want to fully assume! You have GOT TO--absolutely, totally and completely GOT TO!--get the nerve up to politely say, "who was that?" Note: in this case, you could literally speak in a calm and curious voice. Literally say, "Who was that?" Like your voice would rise at the end--to signal a curious tone, not an angry tone. If you cannot ask that question in such a situation ... or come back later and ask him that question, then you are jumping into a hole covered with dirt. You can't be happy in the relationship, however it's evolving. Not asking that question invites jerks to manipulate and lie to you. Let's imagine he is dating this woman (I'm not sure that's the case) ... but say he is ... Your silence ... is an endorsement of him dating this person. He can legitly come back and later and say, "but you knew I was seeing so and so. You were here for her phone call and you HEARD the call." So ... call him now ... and ask. I know things are early. But I do want to ask who that woman was that called you. If he reassures you (not technically but reassures you as in your body physically feels relieved and better), then that's a good sign. If your body doesn't relax and feel great ... then that's a bad sign. Time to have the discussion with him about what you want! Edited December 11, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 If you are not exclusive why do you care, it is none of your business.
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 He set you up. Anyone straightforward would have said something. A client, my coworker, a friend, my sister, my mother, my daughter, my squash partner... etc. As it was he left you guessing and if you bring it up you may be accused of being insecure or jealous or it is none of your business... I guess it is a game. He is in control and you are left feeling a bit upset. 3
Author Jet8419 Posted December 11, 2019 Author Posted December 11, 2019 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: As it was he left you guessing and if you bring it up you may be accused of being insecure or jealous or it is none of your business... I guess it is a game. He is in control and you are left feeling a bit upset. Yes, that was my thought, that’s why I didn’t ask him or else I’d look clingy. It’s more of I left being confused, as he was back to being touchy feely after that call, and hugged & kissed me when I left, so I started wondering if he’s a player or that woman was just an old friend thus no need for explanation. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) 9 minutes ago, Jet8419 said: that’s why I didn’t ask him or else I’d look clingy. How on earth do you figure asking about some woman who he may have been rubbing your face in makes you look clingy? In contrast asking about a conversation you had to listen to warrants a follow up. Who are you having breakfast with? That is not clingy. OMG who was that? can I come? or worse, how dare you / no you can't go . . now those would be inappropriate. Sticking up for yourself by understanding the score & the playing field in a relationship you are in is not clingy. Him putting that call on speaker was either complete cluelessness (which I don't rule out) or some kind of game playing. Neither are good but both allow you to make further inquiry. Edited December 11, 2019 by d0nnivain
Lotsgoingon Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 There is no such thing as "looking" clingy. You either ARE clingy or are not clingy. And you're completely getting clingy wrong. Clingy is you see him three days in a row and spend all kinds of time together ... and on the fourth day, he wants to chill at home and catch up on laundry and you (because you can't spend time alone or don't have a life outside of him) instead insist that he spend time with you. And it's clear from your voice that this desire for more time is not just a "want"--it's a deep, desperate need. Standing up for yourself and speaking up--hey who's this woman who just called?--that's a sign of assertiveness and confidence. Assertiveness, the message that I won't go along with any ole b.s. that you do, is the opposite of clingy. Assertiveness says I'm not desperate for a relationship. Assertiveness says I'm here and awake and paying attention and I will speak up if you do some crazy stuff with me. A confident non-clingy woman can be quite asserting and demanding. I want you to pick me up here and take me to x place. I don't like to do x and y. Here is what I expect. Nothing clingy about that at all. By remaining silent, you come off as someone with no confidence, who will put up with any crazy, mean behavior. And worse, you send this message to yourself as well as to him. 2
Magicmontazzle Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 You are only clingy/psycho if you are actually clingy/psycho. It could have been anyone. Please just ask him. Also abide by Pattis rules... ‘No sex before monogamy’ if that is what you want.
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