Money matters

[Love2015]

So I posted a while back about a date who initially wanted a gf / bf relationship and then asked me for money and then gave little back. He was hot and cold all along. Eventually he said he wanted to just be friends. I did feel bad because I wanted to get to know him more but I feel I never really truly did.  Now at present he still owes me money and he has stopped talking to me properly. I send him texts (like forwards) and he react really badly. He says just because he said no to relationship doesn't mean he won't give money. Then when I say that my friends believe he scammed me..he gets all offended and mad at this scamming word. As a result he now days I will give you money by x date and then that's it he doesn't want anything more. I only send him texts that are forwards and he truly reacts badly.he will msg back saying STOP or HE IS NOT INTERESTED. These are quotes or good morning msgs. All my friends receive it. Anyways bottom line is I feel bad for asking my own money back because he makes me feel I am not worthy of getting to know more. Like I feel very bad ....

[basil67]

Ok, so first of all, stop sending him rubbish texts.   Perhaps you and your friends have this casual texting thing going in your group and you're all cool with it, but to anyone else they'd be very annoying.   I'm not sure why you told him that your friends thing he's a scammer, but if you're trying to get money out of him, then goading him into a fight him isn't going to help your cause.

 

How much money are we talking about?  Is it enough that it's really worth fighting for?   If it's not too much money, then it may be easier to write it off in order to save your sanity.  However if it's a large amount of money, have you set up a payment plan with him?  Do you have evidence that you lent it to him?    Have him agree to a final date to pay it back and if he doesn't pay...and you have evidence...then take him to the small claims court.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Money should either be a gift or not given, loaning money to people you know, even good friends, is just an ill-advised decision.

 

Furthermore, any guy that is asking you for money outright is probably not interested in dating you; I mean, the sugar mama narrative is really cool and all, but being a sugar mama implies you aren't going to ask for the money back or you two have come to some sort of arrangement... Us men know how bad it looks when we have to outright ask for money, so the outright request of you is definitely a red flag if you are a woman.

[d0nnivain]

If it's enough money to justify filing a lawsuit print out the texts & sue him.  He admits he owes the money. 

If it's not enough money to justify the filing fees & taking a day off work for this, just be done with him.  he's more trouble then he's worth. 

[stillafool]

I agree that depending on the amount of money he owes you I would take him to court if he doesn't pay by a certain date or just forget it if it's a small 

amount.  It sounds like he doesn't want to hear anything from you so he can forget you and that he owes you money.   How much does he owe you?

[lurker74]

8 hours ago, Love2015 said:

Anyways bottom line is I feel bad for asking my own money back because he makes me feel I am not worthy of getting to know more. Like I feel very bad ....

 

This is the part of your message I want to address. The replies above are all right...don't lend money to strangers, don't send frivolous texts to people that don't want it, consider legal action, etc. But in this line above, you say you feel bad for asking for your own money back, which you have every right to do. Then you say that you do not feel worthy..and then you feel bad again.

 

It is clear from your message that you have a severe self-esteem issue. That's OK. Lots of people do. But you need to work on keeping that issue from affecting your relationships. Not only will it prevent you from getting back what is rightfully your, your money, but it also may be a cause for why he lost interest. While some men make themselves feel better by victimizing low self esteem women, many men just don't feel attracted to women (or people in general) that exhibit severe lack of self-worth. 

 

So, do not be embarrassed about asking for your money. Screenshot the texts where he says he will pay it back by X date, since that will be admissible in a small claims court. Then use that money to hire a therapist so you can work on feeling worthwhile about yourself. Because you are worthwhile...you just have to learn to see it.

[Ruby Slippers]

Why in the world would you ever loan a date/potential boyfriend money? Never, ever do this again.

 

I get the impression you have very poor self-esteem. I've had my issues with self-esteem due to a poor upbringing - but I would never in a million years loan a romantic interest money. Only a complete loser would ask for money from a romantic interest - male or female.

 

If I were you, I'd take him to small claims court for the money. Keep all your evidence about the loan (texts, emails, your own record of events, bank statement) and file the claim. You may not recoup anything, but at least it will send the message that this behavior is not OK.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Ruby Slippers

[Love2015]

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies. I don't truly care about the money...not really except for my ego ...sending a message may be good

 

...in the end I wanted to feel so much loved that I didn't want to see the obvious red flags...learning my lesson..and need to work on self esteem. 

[stillafool]

If you truly don't care about the money then stop texting him and move on.  We've all been rejected one way or another and it's just a part of life.

This is not a guy that is going to give you his love but the guy who will is still out there.

[Love2015]

So the day he said he was going to pay back is today. Guess it's not happening. I stopped all contact ...just venting at this point. I guess I learned a very important lesson but I the end didn't loose much. Ego hurt and taken for fool but lesson learned. Oh well....must be open to someone worth it yet must go slow next time...

[Love2015]

Oh surprise! He did send me money ..half of what he still owes. To my own stupidity...I asked him now that money stuff is out of the way...will he want to connect? He says to leave him in peace. Ouch...hurts...hurts to know you are not worth getting to know or opening upto. 

[d0nnivain]

Be happy he sent the money.   You are only using the money as a way to stay connected.  You want him back but he wants out.  Life defaults to the one who wants out.  Sorry. 

[Love2015]

Agreed I wanted to be respected and he show interest. Not happened so move on... breathe and take a step forward....

 

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Love2015 said:

Oh surprise! He did send me money ..half of what he still owes. To my own stupidity...I asked him now that money stuff is out of the way...will he want to connect? He says to leave him in peace. Ouch...hurts...hurts to know you are not worth getting to know or opening upto. 

 

I can't believe you'd want to reconnect with someone who treated you this way.  Please raise your standards.

[Ruby Slippers]

2 hours ago, Love2015 said:

Oh surprise! He did send me money ..half of what he still owes. To my own stupidity...I asked him now that money stuff is out of the way...will he want to connect? He says to leave him in peace. Ouch...hurts...hurts to know you are not worth getting to know or opening upto. 

You are worth getting to know and opening up to, but this isn't the man for you.

 

I'm also in consternation that you would try to get back with this guy. 

 

With all due respect, this suggests to me, again, that you have very low self-esteem and you'd really benefit by giving some attention to self-respect, self-love, and all that good stuff.

 

One of the best ways to do this is make some goddessy friends who love themselves and set a good example for you on how to love yourself and demand excellence from the people in your life. All my best friends are divine badasses and queens who remind me all the time to hold myself, life, and others to a high standard.

 

In the past, I stuck with men I should have kicked to the curb way before I did, out of low self-esteem and fear I couldn't do any better. Now, finally, I'm blissfully in love with a dreamy guy who has it all and adores me as much as I adore him. I'm so glad I held out for real love and didn't settle for any old situation out of loneliness or fear. 

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, Love2015 said:

Oh surprise! He did send me money ..half of what he still owes. To my own stupidity...I asked him now that money stuff is out of the way...will he want to connect? He says to leave him in peace. Ouch...hurts...hurts to know you are not worth getting to know or opening upto. 

 

Besides the "money stuff" is not out of the way.  He still owes you the other half.

[smackie9]

He is not disrespecting you at this point but you were disrespecting him. He wanted to be left alone but you wouldn't hear of it and kept messaging him. It's not that he doesn't think you are worth it, he is simply not interested, so stop taking it so personally. He feels the way he feels. Just because you desire someone so bad, doesn't mean they feel the same way and desire you back. That's not how it works. You pursue if there is reciprocation. You got pushy and that's a turn off.

Now this money business. Obviously he's bad with money and couldn't pay you the full amount. If you don't want to cut your losses yet, tell him to pay you in full, and expect it by a date you both agree on. After that quietly go about your life and forget about him.

Edited December 16, 2019 by smackie9

[Love2015]

I understand it seems I was pushy but....the truth is at some point I blocked him and he started calling me non stop every day ..three times a day...from a private number until I finally had picked up. Then he said sorry. Then he starts the hot and cold again. I literally then didn't block him and would not message him at all...and he would message. When I reply, he would ignore. So finally i asked point blank and he wanted friends...so I said ok but let's be proper friends. Till date after four months ..I don't know anything truly about him.so I raised my concern as he knows where I live and all. And he would start with the whole I rejected you and that is why you are acting weird....etc etc....hence I lied and said I started dating and eventually told him I had a bf. My curiosity was high to know who he truly is yet I never got to know for real. I then let him be and felt upset I gave him money and he could not just show me his basics. My lesson learned. Work on self esteem for sure. Now I don't message him at all. So yes....I would always leave him alone...but at some point my frustration level became high. 

 

Edited December 17, 2019 by Love2015

[Love2015]

A New Year and my old two time date who I lent money too was supposed to give me the remainder of the money Dec 30th ($200). 

I find this allows for me to close the chapter and move on..I know I should forget about the money. I just blocked him again.  Why? Simple he keep on making me feel I am too much and once he gives me money ..he says we done.

Now honestly I helped s complete stranger as I had feelings and he doesn't even value or respect me! Dating with him was out of the window a while ago. I haven't msgd him for over a month except for Merry Xmas and Happy New Year and he still is in fighting mode?

He takes offence to me telling him or better asking him if he was a con or scammer as my friends said. He doesn't like it but I backed off when he said he was giving me the money Dec 30 (which didn't happen And asked for extension till Jan 15) . I dated him two times. He knows where I live but I don't know anything about him. 

Not knowing resulted in me being insecure. He then proposed friendship but even then would not treat me well.

I guess I hate he can't understand I didn't know him and deposited trust and to top it off now he disrespects me! Will be ever understand?

The way it feels is he is picking up fight cause he doesn't want to show who he truly is...can he really be angry at my saying (I said sorry after) or is he hiding something? I find his behavior bizzare. As I said I don't even msg him except to wish him twice. Why still angry? My crazy mind thinks ..is it because he has feelings? Havent ever met someone so weird in my life. 

 

 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Love2015

[Ruby Slippers]

If I were you, I'd leave the door open only for him to repay the money by a certain date, then once that date comes, block and delete him either way.

You seem to be fixated, nearly obsessed with, this guy and how it all played out. He's already proven himself to be a Grade A Loser, yet you still desire interaction and some kind of validation from him.

I think counseling about your low self-esteem would help.

[Love2015]

I disagree I am fixated. Before yes ..been over a month I have not msgd except twice ( merry Xmas and new year..my way of keeping door open) . I get upset at his attitude belittling me which is why I vent. He fixed the date himself to give back the money which was Dec 30. He didn't give it back! And now he is saying Jan 15. I did like him before and he did state he wanted to be gf / bf. I did have to realize it was a big fat lie and he kept on doing hot and cold ...that hooked me up . If anything I wanted to feel respected but it didn't happen and it's still not happening. I have worked on myself so much O can tell you I am much more loving to myself. F* him. I hate it that something simple as wanting to feel treated properly ends up being so dramatic. He was drama from day one. Now I have blocked him because guess's what...I realize he gets energized from this and keep hooked me up with it cause there is money in the middle? How about thank you for helping me when I needed it instead ? I am more angry at his manipulation than anything else. 

[chillii]

Yeah , that's just exactly all it all is from him , a manipulation type thing. He hasn't got the money so he's just sorta turning it all around and mixing it all up into bs , to kinda take the focus of the money cause shyt and then he can walk off and forget the money.

Maybe you should leave him unblocked though for a few more weeks , just encase he does intend payin ya back. He won't be able to if he can't get hold of you.

Could you unblock him without messaging him ? Doubt you'll see the money but you never know.

[Love2015]

I can unblock him without messaging him. I had done it but I just feel he does get off from when I actually message him for the money and he pulls me back in. He now said Jan 15. I will unblock him on 14 and then be done. See it's been several attempts now and it's money that not worth going to court or anything for. I used to want respect so much and not care of money. I learn my respect is in my hands and he will not care for it.  I have blocked him in past long time when I was into him and he started calling non stop from a private number for a week. I did like him at that point and he said sorry. The issue here is truly either he knows what he is doing and is a manipulator or he is clueless. I only have issues of insecurity but I think even if I am healthier and much much better from where I was..he genuinely is an a*. 

I haven't never encountered such a person. 

[Ellener]

It's always annoying when someone borrows money and doesn't pay it back, and most people who don't aren't likely a con or scammer, just feckless and undisciplined.

I have a rule I don't 'lend' money ( alright I would to my son ) and I am careful about who I give it to also: there's a difference between genuine hardship and not working hard enough for the things desired in life!

Happy New Year, put it behind you and have a good year.

[Love2015]

Thanks Ellener...I am putting it behind. And I tried doing that even when I blocked him. The sad thing is he did use my emotions against me like a bone being dangled in front of me for relationship. And then it didnt happen and I did respect it hence I shifted towards being friendly no relationship talk ( in fact told him I have someone else!) but he never changed. I don't think it's the money is the whole dynamics. I don't think I am obsessed with him but only mad for me allowing him to even enter my life. He was a complete waste of time and I am even saying this without thinking relationship but just normal interaction. Trust me I haven't met anyone like this. Guys I dated and either they or I don't want anything ..even if the other wants..we wish each other well with respect and move on and then proceed to not interact. Here was a lot of pulling me back in to then not wanting to point of me blocking him to he calling ...

He plays offended that I think he could be a con. I understand in my heart he is not but the actions shows he may be. Reason cause he asked for money after first date and then when we were technically just "friends" he still didn't show me who he is. He knows me, where I live, has seen pics of friends and family. I have never been to his place, don't know his job exactly nor has he ever sent pics. I mentioned this and I find any normal person would realize what I was talking about.  .he used my thinking and shows anger and says oh here I will give you the money but after we done and tell the people who telling you stuff like this to f"o*. ..I gave it time and he still behaves same making me wonder.....

 

This is a 4 months ...now entering 5th month experience. I met him end July. And got caught. I dated others ...non were so abnormal. 

Edited January 4, 2020 by Love2015