Dating a students parent ....is it feasible or am I crossing a line?!! ***Updated***

[CallingBeau]

Hey guys!

 

The basics: I’m 29, the gorgeous gal I’m dating is 35. She was widowed 3 years ago by a car accident. She also has two kids from that marriage a son (11) and a daughter (16).

 

heres where it gets complicated: I teach geography at a school, I teach kids from 12-19. This is the school that her daughter ‘Ella’ (names changed) goes to. I’ve known this girl since she was 12, Since before her dad passed.

Shes a great kid, you can’t have favourites, but if I could, she’d make the list. Always engages, always asks questions, supportive of others and most of all because she’s so funny, there isn’t a class that goes by that she doesn’t have me in stitches!

These are the kinds of kid that make you realise why you left conservation work in sunny Africa to spend hours upon hours planning a 10min starter activity in damp grey England! Haha!

Then obviously she hit a rough patch when the accident happened but even then she never used it as an excuse, never played the sympathy card.

I’m not just her geography tutor, I’m her class tutor, so over the years of group tutorials, and 1-2-1’s and lessons I’ve built up what was a genuinely good relationship with the girl.....

 

......then I went bowling and who was in the lane next to me but her mum ‘Lauren’.

I recognised her from parents evening and school events.. I always knew that she was good looking but obviously those things are completely professional and we only ever talk about her daughter, this time was different..

We got it off big time and we haven’t stopped hitting it off since! 
She’s gorgeous, but she doesn’t even know it so she plays with her hair while she talks to me and it’s so damn cute. She’s so creative, and so passionate about it, and when she talks she gets more and more excited by it and then she thinks she’s brining me, but in reality I could just listen to her forever because so love people who are passionate about things, whatever it is! And I love watching her paint, whether it’s a picture or just her nails, her focus is insane!

Shes really affectionate too, not like in a ott way but just in a sweet way.. she’ll leave me little notes and give me surprise little kisses on the cheek.

Plus she’s fantastic mum, which doesn’t go unnoticed by me, she does a stellar job and that on its own is something to be commended!

 

the issue: her daughter, she’s not okay with the fact we’re dating! We decoded to tell her (and her brother) 7 weeks ago, so admittedly not long, and considering the circumstances in another scenario I’d probably just sit it out, but in this scenario I need to see the girl every day for school!!

Ive never known her be like this!!

I tried to just be extra nice - and she just completely took the p!ss in class
I tried to just give her space, not rise to anything - and she just completely took the p!ss in class

i tried confronting her ‘in school’ behaviour - and she kicked off!! Actually had to tell her to get out the room and I’ve never ever had to do that!

 

I just don’t know what to do!! I’m in love with this woman. I’ve had longer relationships.. but I’ve never felt the way I do right now, I’m really really sweet on her!

But this is my job, what do I do, I feel guilty, I feel like I was in a position of trust in this girls life and although it was never my intention, she apparently feels let down! Whatever the reasoning, the girls got another two years of school, I can’t have her kicking off left, right and centre!

Edited December 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spelling

[d0nnivain]

You can't fix it.  All you can do is be consistent.  Mom has to be the adult.  As the teacher if you are being disrespected in the classroom kick it upstairs to the Vice Principal.  The daughter has to learn boundaries.  No matter how mad she may be she can't disrupt school.  

[basil67]

One of our school's aides lost his job for dating a child's mother.   Be careful.  

[fromheart]

The only concern is your partners age, she's quite a bit older than you.  At some point you'll probably want a younger woman.

[Ami1uwant]

You can date a students parent.

 

at her age...her mom dating anyone can be a problem.

 

i dates a single mom whose daughter was 15 at the time we started dating.  Her father was not in her life for different reasons.

 

what has mon done in talking to her?

 

did she like you before you dating her mom?

 

 

 

 

[Shining One]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

One of our school's aides lost his job for dating a child's mother.

Is this an actual policy violation in your area?

[mark clemson]

First question - is it against policy. If not, you're ok.

 

Second question - IF the relationship goes sour, is there potential blowback? It sounds like there could be while the daughter's in your class (e.g. the Mom unfairly complaining). So that's a risk to be aware of.

 

Third question - can you get the daughter to deal with this to at least neutral (may be easier said than done).

 

I think once you pass all 3 of these hurdles then it's safe to date this woman.

[CallingBeau]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You can't fix it.  All you can do is be consistent.  Mom has to be the adult.  As the teacher if you are being disrespected in the classroom kick it upstairs to the Vice Principal.  The daughter has to learn boundaries.  No matter how mad she may be she can't disrupt school.  

No she can’t, and that is why I really did tell her off the other day! There has to be basic respect!

 

That said, whilst there’s nothing I. My contract/policy about dating a kids mum (I’ve check) I’m still really hesitant to ‘kick it upstairs’ A) I’ve never been that kind of teacher, I mange my own classroom

B) I keep waiting for this to be temporary and her to walk back in tomorrow with her trademark big smile and ‘omg sir, you’ll never believe this...’. I know she’s a good kid really!

C) I’m worried about getting others involved, like it’s an awkward a thing isn’t it. I’ve tried to be really discreet and not to find myself at the centre of a storm everyone at work will have an opinion on!

[CallingBeau]

6 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

what has mon done in talking to her?

 

did she like you before you dating her mom?

 

Her mum talked to her when she told her we were together, I wasn’t there. I feel like maybe I should have been.

 

She talked to her again more recently about the difficulties were having... said she focused on how we weren’t trying to replace her dad etc etc and she thought that chat went okay.... but clearly not because here we are!

 

 

Yeah! Honestly we had a good relationship before this!

Shes one that I have always put a little more time into because I think she really benefits from it, so every time she has some new idea.. school bands, school lottery, school rainwater conservation.. guess who’s the mug that gives up his lunch hour, pitches to the principle, brings in his recording equipment! Because I love inspiring kids passion.. and she has it in spades!

We’ve always had a good relationship as a result.. she talked to me quite a lot when she lost her dad (didn’t want to upset her mum), and she’ll always hit me with her dramatic stories every morning (she’s a comedian), she was even part of a little group of 5 kids who baked me a cake for my birthday, haha! 
so yeah, no issues previous!

[CallingBeau]

16 hours ago, mark clemson said:

First question - is it against policy. If not, you're ok.

 

Second question - IF the relationship goes sour, is there potential blowback? It sounds like there could be while the daughter's in your class (e.g. the Mom unfairly complaining). So that's a risk to be aware of.

 

Third question - can you get the daughter to deal with this to at least neutral (may be easier said than done).

 

I think once you pass all 3 of these hurdles then it's safe to date this woman.

1) Not against the policy. Also not a situation that has ever happened as far as I know.

 

2) Hmm.. tough because I guess whenever you’re in a relationship you don’t see the potential blowback, in theory yeah that’s always a risk.. but I think the more likely scenario is that I’m already having trouble teaching this girl now, if things went sour I’d probably have hell to pay from her! But that’s obviously very worst case scenario.... I’ve never had a relationship that ended with any real bad blood!

 

3) I’d like to think so.... I just can’t decide how to go about it! I’ve always got on with her, like genuinely got on. Honestly, I never saw this problem coming!!

[Watercolors]

CallingBeau sorry to hear your girlfriend's daughter is having difficulty adjusting to your new role in her life. Since she is a teenager, her rebellion of the idea of her mom and her teacher dating probably scares her b/c she lost her dad. Despite her mom's reassurance and your consistency in and outside the classroom, she may just never accept your role until you're engaged to her mom. 

 

Maybe take the approach of hanging out with her and her mom together doing some fun activity on the weekend. Until she calms down. Don't involve her school guidance counselor or anyone there yet because that will feel like a betrayal to her of trust. You know how teenagers are. I think patience and consistency are what she needs from you and her mom. You and her mom need to be a consistent team. And you unfortunately may have to put up with her winding you up every day in class and taking the piss, b/c she's mad that you're dating her mom. So she's testing boundaries with you. Treat her normally. Send her out of the classroom. Eventually she'll stop taking the piss and winding you up once she sees that you're not going to back down or leave her mom. Good luck!! These situations are never easy, are they!

 

[fishlips]

Give the girl time. She is probably resentful that her mother is dating, but that is normal. However, she doesn't get to dictate whom her mother dates. Just continue to enforce the rules, but be kind. Eventually she will come around.

 

I can see how this might be a little embarrassing for you though. Is transferring to another school an option?

[lurker74]

Dating her mother is unethical. It may or may not be against policy but dating her mother violates the basic premise of a student-teacher relationship, similar (though different) from having your own child in your class. And expecting the daughter to react well to this situation is problematic at best. She's the child; you're the adult. The only reasonable thing I can think to do is to not have her in your class, but moving her makes her the bad person, so that would entail you changing classes or having the school bring in a long-term sub.

 

Now, I recognize that is not going to happen because you are in love, and I am sympathetic in some ways. The only way I can think to mitigate some of the damage is through counseling (outside of the school) for her. But choose the counselor carefully since the messaging will essentially come down to helping her deal with a bad situation that she can't change.

 

We had a similar situation a few months ago where the mother wanted, I think, to date a teach, but not her child's teacher. That can be doable, I think. But if the girl is in your class, the best solution is to stop dating her mother completely until she's no longer in your class. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Sounds to me that you really bonded with daughter as your student. Sounds to me like she really was a favorite--and yes, we teachers have favorites ... or people who just impress the heck out of us or people who know how to make us laugh. 

 

You mention here that good moments with her make leaving your previous work seem worth it.  Where I'm going is ... I think you can go for a heart-felt conversation with the daughter. And share with her sentiments just like that!

 

Slow down and tell the daughter how much joy she has brought you as a teacher.  For purposes of this conversation, push her mom aside ... The goal is for you to connect with this girl outside of school ... the way you already connect with her in school.

 

Describe her gifts ... Pick some moments to recount her acting in some amazing way. Tell her how exciting and fulfilling and meaningful it is when a teacher feels connected to a student. Share tears ... share feelings ... you gotta really go for it.

 

And then tell her you realize it is awkward that you're dating her mom. Admit that it's awkward to you ... That you didn't imagine this happening ... Make clear you don't want anything to interfere with your teaching and you don't want the relationship with mom to disrupt the bond you and she (the 16-year-old) have. And say you love her mom and want to bring the best to the mom and to her and the other sibling. Do the concession and acknowledge you can never be her father or replace her father. 

 

If daughter still doesn't come around, you go from there. (And I'm not assuming the answer is to back off if daughter is still distant.) One day the daughter will look back on this moment and cringe at her reactions now.   I would say keep this future perspective in mind. 

 

I'm wondering if the daughter feels a loss in having you get together with her mom. Perhaps the bond with you was indeed quite special and meaning to the daughter and all the more special because you allowed some side of her to flourish outside of her mom's influence.  I can't help but wonder if she's worried that mom's going to hog you ... and that this special teacher relationship now ceases to be special and unique--because mom has even greater claims on you. 

 

Maybe ask daughter to hang out with you for a day ... on a weekend ... and have this talk over the course of a day ... and let her speak ... don't block her or try to argue her out of her position. Listen fiercely and sensitively! ... Which will be easy because you really like her!

 

I'm just thinking she may be afraid of the loss of that teacher bond ... might be something she didn't like about her dad (that she likes about you) ... that she fears is going to be lost if you marry her mom. Perhaps you spending a day or half a day out with her ... will allow her to see that your strengths as a teacher ... and the bond between you two ... can indeed expand to outside of school. 

 

 

 

 

[Zinging]

15 hours ago, CallingBeau said:

Yeah! Honestly we had a good relationship before this!

Shes one that I have always put a little more time into because I think she really benefits from it. We’ve always had a good relationship as a result.. she talked to me quite a lot when she lost her dad (didn’t want to upset her mum), even part of a little group of 5 kids who baked me a cake for my birthday, haha! 

 

This explains a lot. According to her, she confided in you as a friend, spoke to you about the death of her dad - things she did not do with her mom! Had an amazing rapport with you... all in all, it seems you were her hero.

 

Then, out of the blue, her mother informs her about her relationship with you, which might have broken her faith. (That is how her young mind views it. 5 years later, she'd be more matured and handle it differently.)

 

The only thing that can change this is time. She would have to mature and not view this as something so black and white. Or, you'd have to wait it out till she's no longer your student. 

 

You seem like such a great guy. I hope it works out well for all of you.  

 

Edited December 12, 2019 by Zinging

[elaine567]

You were her special friend, her confidante, the person she shared her stories with, the one who supported her and in view of her age I guess, her "crush".
Now you are dating her mother of all people, she is hurt, jealous and embarrassed, you have "betrayed" her.
She has in her mind been downgraded from someone of importance to you, to being merely your new gf's kid, and that is not where she wanted to be, so she is "not happy".
Her mother to her mind is an "old woman", how could you possibly have chosen her???

[SincereOnlineGuy]

 

Let me begin with (gasp!) a double standard: 

 

If you live in a little house... say, on a prairie...  with the small enclave that comes with it...  then it has to be less concerning that you'd be dating the parent of one of your students than would be the case were you in the middle of Tokyo.

 

So there's that...

 

(and IF you are teaching kids  "from 12 to 19"...  then it seems realistic that your area might be small enough to render standards designed for much larger schools to be relatively unimportant in your case)

 

Sentimentally, the fact that this single parent was widowed by a car accident also serves to make you look more reasonable.

 

I don't have any negative vibes about it...  though of course if anything is written in school policies tangent to anything you're doing, then those policies should be adhered to.

 

Lastly, I would err on the side of interacting/engaging with the daughter on the subject of dating her mom...   because you CAN'T let such a relationship run its course one way or the other, and only later learn that the girl was (caused to alter a whole childhood of feelings because she was scared to express herself to either of you)

 

But engage the kid as a somewhat-adult in such discussions, without talking down  to her.

 

 

[SincereOnlineGuy]

After greater focus by me, I sense this young lady does indeed have a bit of a  (it doesn't have to be "CRUSH", but, rather, perhaps an important formulation of a male 'ideal' in her mind, using YOU as a 'template' for that.   (more important to her than to others, who still have their main male role model around)

 

If I were a 13yo girl, and my father suddenly died, I might be so in shock that I might derail myself from taking to boys as my peers were doing at that age, and just... go into an emotional pause...

 

And then, slowly, I might begin to re-emerge... perhaps sometimes upset with myself for slowly seeming to lose a sense for just who my father was as an individual...  I mean, I loved him, and all, but I've suddenly forgotten the reassuring feel of his hand on my shoulder, or his presence at my soccer games, etc.

 

SO when I emerged...   this outline of male ideals...   might begin to form in my mind...  and the CONstant talk about boys from girls all around me would have me stirring a bit...  but maybe I'd need a safe-seeming image of a male... which I might even begin to perceive to be perfect in my mind...

 

and that image in this girl's thoughts might so easily be you.   (particularly as you are already emotionally tested  by the daughter's having confided in you in the past)

 

(*** let me remind you that SO often in the 2000's people gain a first ***image OF*** a potential mate online, wherein they sense/see/paint PERFECTION at first, and only then sculpt away small bits of that perfection...  before often comparing some random person online who seems  "93% perfect"   to some real-life individual who is merely 70% perfect  - so this is a behavior pattern far more prevalent during your lifetime than ever before)

 

SO it is 'fair' that there is a possibility that you represent such an image in her thoughts...      and unlike Jennifer, who sits beside her in class, and who "ELLA" exPECTS to be "competition" for any nearby male attention, Ella is blindsided when her own mother seems to now command the romantic attention of the (image of perfection) in Ella's thoughts.

 

You are NOT "wrong" in the event of such a scenario... yet recognize that Ella...  Ella without a father...   has nowhere to channel the potentially deep let-down she might feel for reasons over which her mom had zero control.

 

You need open channels of communication in all three related directions... (and don't forget/leave-out Ella's brother, even though he isn't entirely invested as Ella might be)

 

I say that you should still pursue with confidence...    and keep your mind wide open to various possibilities as to just whyyyyyyyy Ella is responding as she has.

 

 

[CallingBeau]

On 12/11/2019 at 9:27 PM, Watercolors said:

Maybe take the approach of hanging out with her and her mom together doing some fun activity on the weekend.

I’m going over for dinner on Sunday and my gf said she’s told her Daughter she wants her to attend, so I will see her then, maybe not the fun activity you have in mind though, maybe I’ll see if I can organise something after.

Quote

You know how teenagers are.

sure do! And, fool that I am, I didn’t think there was a behavioural issue I couldn’t deal with in the classroom and yet here I am!

 

its tough bc when it was a rough month I kinda figured that was to be expected, but with no sign of improvement even now it’s making me stress a bit!

 

23 hours ago, lurker74 said:

The only reasonable thing I can think to do is to not have her in your class, but moving her makes her the bad person, so that would entail you changing classes or having the school bring in a long-term sub.

 

But if the girl is in your class, the best solution is to stop dating her mother completely until she's no longer in your class. 

Fact is she can’t not be in my class as long as she’s taking geography. I’m the only geography teacher for 14+

Plus I’m also her classes tutor, and that’s for her half of her year group, it’s not fair to move her (which would have to be requested by her anyway) because she’s been in that class/tutor group since she was 12, and she can’t stay in her tutor group but under a different tutor, it would be completely impractical.

[CallingBeau]

23 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Sounds to me that you really bonded with daughter as your student. Sounds to me like she really was a favorite--and yes, we teachers have favorites ... or people who just impress the heck out of us or people who know how to make us laugh. 

You know it! 

 

Quote

I think you can go for a heart-felt conversation with the daughter. And share with her sentiments just like that!

Yeah... see I kinda wanted to talk to her in the first place but my gf wanted to deal with it and who am I to argue with that!

 

See I’ve got her coming in for detention Friday lunch... do I talk to her then?

 

or if I do that am I really blurry in the lines between outside school life and inside school life?

 

Quote

Maybe ask daughter to hang out with you for a day ... on a weekend ... and have this talk over the course of a day ... and let her speak ... don't block her or try to argue her out of her position. Listen fiercely and sensitively! ... Which will be easy because you really like her!

i feel weird pulling her for a chat outside school 

because... as a teacher (especially as a male teacher) boundaries are crumbled into you so hard that even though our ‘outside school relationship’ has changed, I still feel weird about it, like I’m breaking a rule (which I guess means I can understand why she might find the adjustment odd too)

so I don’t know... inside school or outside school for a chat? 

 

Quote

I'm wondering if the daughter feels a loss in having you get together with her mom. Perhaps the bond with you was indeed quite special and meaning to the daughter and all the more special because you allowed some side of her to flourish outside of her mom's influence.  I can't help but wonder if she's worried that mom's going to hog you ... and that this special teacher relationship now ceases to be special and unique--because mom has even greater claims on you. 

I think that’s maybe my best guess too, not necessarily her mum ‘hogging’ me, but I get the vibe, she projects as someone that feels ‘let down’ by me. She’s fine with her mum, it’s me.

 

And I know teenagers, I know how they can hit out when they feel vulnerable in anyway.. but I’ve always been able to reason with her and talk on a level, but I’ve lost all control of her at the moment!

[CallingBeau]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Now you are dating her mother of all people, she is hurt, jealous and embarrassed, you have "betrayed" her.
She has in her mind been downgraded from someone of importance to you, to being merely your new gf's kid, and that is not where she wanted to be, so she is "not happy".

 

22 hours ago, Zinging said:

 

This explains a lot. According to her, she confided in you as a friend, spoke to you about the death of her dad - things she did not do with her mom! Had an amazing rapport with you... all in all, it seems you were her hero.

 

Then, out of the blue, her mother informs her about her relationship with you, which might have broken her faith.

I think you’re probably both pretty on the money!  I don’t think she has a crush on me - I have been in that situation before, so I feel like I know what it looks like and I don’t think she does! But have we had a bit of a ‘special relationship’ over the years.. yeah we have. And I feel a bit weird about the change in dynamic so I can see why she does.

I do get how she feels.

 

...I need to talk to her, but I’m so split on whether the right thing to do is do it in school (good opportunity, feels like a ‘safe space’ for her and normalises our environment, however does it cross a line) or doing it outside school (little opportunity - will have to ask my gf to arrange, I will probably feel more out of sorts, but maybe doing it outside is actually more fitting of our ‘new’ relationship)

18 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

You are NOT "wrong" in the event of such a scenario... yet recognize that Ella...  Ella without a father...   has nowhere to channel the potentially deep let-down she might feel for reasons over which her mom had zero control.

 

You need open channels of communication in all three related directions... (and don't forget/leave-out Ella's brother, even though he isn't entirely invested as Ella might be)

Yeah.. I guess the the people she’d normally come to when things feel a bit much are her mum ..or me!

I do get it, I get why she feels a bit shaken.. I just wish I had a fix for the situation!

 

Her brother I’d never met (he’s still in primary school) but he’s been totally easy going about me and my gf! I think he likes me well enough, I’ve played a bit of football with him in the garden and he likes my cooking. I feel like on that front I’m doing alright!

[Lotsgoingon]

This is not the typical circumstance where the man doesn't know the daughter ... and daughter is resistant to the relationship. Yes, in that circumstance it's mom who will do most of the heavy-lifting talking to the daughter. 

 

This situation is different--you bonded with the daughter BEFORE you bonded with her mom, before you began dating her mom. And daughter is 16 ... and 16-year-olds think they're 30! Therefore, I think it make sense for you to talk to daughter directly. But here's the thing ... My idea is to go out with her ... and talk about her! .. first focus on her and her life. Show her that you still are available to her even if you're dating mom (the reality is you'll be more available--much more). Go out with daughter, and at some point, the relationship with mom will come up ... You won't be able to avoid that--so you don't have to force it. Either she'll raise it or you'll see the right moment to raise it.

 

I wouldn't use the school time to talk to her about about this subject unless she's really distant and shutdown ... in which case, just check in with her ... and go with your teacher gut ... Great teachers, especially in their relationships with students they like, tune into some amazing gut instinct for how to respond in the moment.  You know what I'm talking about.

 

Just stay in your good teacher mode and you'll know how to deal with daughter when you see her. You'll know the right thing to say to this student you feel close to! You'll feel it. And of course, students can read their favorite teachers like a draftsman can read a blueprint. So, you won't be able to fake it too much--she knows you. (I still remember the time for a unit on comedy that a student did a stand-up comedy imitation of me before the class. He was spot on!) 

 

And really, I think you can suggest to mom that you really think YOU can, and you want, to talk to daughter because of the longstanding bond that predates your new bond with mom.  I really have a sense that daughter fears that if she gets you as a step-dad, the wonderful guy in the classroom will be gone. The truth is ... she'll have MORE of you! 

 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

My idea is to go out with her ... and talk about her! .. first focus on her and her life.

Should a 29yo male teacher be "going out" with a 16yo female pupil?

[Lotsgoingon]

Sure, he can go for a walk with her ... go out to eat with her ... and then a walk. Sure! 

 

He's the mentor ... in the parental role, so to speak ...  and he'll have mom's permission. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

Ok but she is now hostile to him...
She could allege all sorts, how does he prove nothing happened...