yesilikebread Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 I met a man a handful of times, went on dates. It was nice. He was about 10 years older and his mature outlook on life was refreshing. This past week-end we went back to his apartment after a lovely time at The Opera, and when I took out my toothbrush from the cabinet, I saw another toothbrush in the same glass mine was in. It kind of startled me, not because I expected him to be my exclusive, but maybe because I realized then that I did have more feelings for him than I anticipated. It was like all of my logical thinking vanished. He looked at me and obviously noticed that my demeanor had changed, and jokingly asked me something. I finished brushing my teeth and then without thinking about it told him that I was leaving. I didn't explain why, just mentioned that I had a bad feeling. He asked if he had done something wrong. Frankly, I didn't have the balls to ask him about that toothbrush in his cabinet, I just wanted to leave. We later talked and I told him that I had freaked out thinking I had left something on the stove back home. A day later or so we texted and he sent me a message saying that it's not going to work out. Largely due to the lack of communication on both parts. Obviously, it made me sad, but I told him that I understand. So, I was the red flag. I acted irrationally without thinking about the consequences. I didn't take a few breaths thinking about my decision. I didn't communicate openly. Can't deny how disappointed I am in myself, Self sabotage really. More so because it felt like a set-back for me and my personal growth. I'm currently trying to get him out of my head, telling myself there is no point in thinking about him when he has made it very clear he doesn't want to see me again. I wanted to post about it here as sort of a goodbye, and also hopefully it can help someone in the future, not making assumptions and communicate openly with someone they like.
smackie9 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Well no you didn't handle it well, BUT what about that toothbrush??? Was that ever addressed? If he was multi dating, then he simply got busted, and something serious was never on the table to begin with. So sure you messed up, better luck next time. No matter how old we get, we still have more lessons to learn right? Maybe it was all for the best. 2
preraph Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 I'm sorry, I'm laughing a little. People put way too much emphasis on finding a toothbrush. I always have extra toothbrushes on hand, always have. I get them free with every six month dental visit. I remember I offered one to some guy years ago, and he freaked out about it and actually made a judgy comment about me keeping "guest toothbrushes" on hand. Lord. Just so crazy. Get a grip on yourself. I mean, maybe he brushes the dog's teeth with it. Maybe his mom left it there her last visit so she'll have one when she visits again. Who cares? 3
K.K. Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Oh no, that didn’t go well. I’ve been guilty of doing this kind of stuff in the past, so I feel for you. It’s a hard habit to break too. On one hand, you want to ask them what’s up but you’re already so mad and jumped to so many conclusions that you immediately write them off. You have to get a handle on this. Easier said than done, I know. Maybe there’s some way you can just be honest with him and tell him exactly what you thought and felt because at this point, he’s probably thinking it’s not a path worth walking. On a side note though- giiiirl I keep two toothbrushes in my toothbrush holder and there’s only me here! One for now and a brand new one so I don’t have to go looking for it when I want it. I just mainly wanted to say I’m sorry this happened. I’ve been there. Maybe apologize and start over.
elaine567 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 12 minutes ago, yesilikebread said: Self sabotage really Or simply self protection. Your gut told you to get out of there as you were destined to be just another notch on the bed post and it was right. The "gf glass" already contained another toothbrush... New since the last time you were there... Now you are trying to blame yourself and rewrite history for some reason. You liked him, he was playing the field, never a good position to be in. You could have got very hurt there.
TheFinalWord Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) I think he knew the stove excuse was BS. From his perspective, you left after a great date, for no reason he can surmise, and then lied about why. I guess you have nothing to lose at this point so you should tell him why you left, apologize, and see what he says. Tell him what you have posted here. If he has feelings for you, he will understand. If he acts cold when you tell him the truth, then he probably wasn't going to work out in the long run anyway. You keep telling yourself to get him out of your head, he's made it clear. But he's made it clear without knowing the truth. If you really want to grow, do the difficult thing. Call him up and tell him what happened. While the communication was sub-par, you did have a right to ask about multi-dating before getting physical. You may not have known you had feelings, but the probability of that happening when you are getting physical goes up enough that I think you are smart to ask about others before going down that road. With all the STD's these days, I think its nuts people think asking about other people they are intimate with is off limits. Edited December 10, 2019 by TheFinalWord 2
FMW Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 You should have asked about the toothbrush. I know it would have been awkward, but that was the way it should have been handled. As has been suggested, there are innocent explanations for the toothbrush. Or maybe he isn't too bright and has several women keeping toothbrushes in the glass together (which would be weird). But you should have asked. Also, if you actually have a toothbrush at his place after just a few times together I assume you've had sex. I would have already had the talk about whether you're having sex with other people. Contrary to what seems to be popular belief, you can talk about sexual exclusivity without looking for a bigger commitment. Protecting your health is worth a little awkwardness. 3
rjc149 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 There was a non-confrontational, matter-of-fact way to ask him about the other toothbrush. "Hey, I know this sounds silly but there's a second toothbrush in your bathroom, and we haven't been using condoms, so I just want to know... etc" and you'd be 100% in your right. It can't hurt to explain yourself at this point, if you still have feelings for him. If has them for you, he very well may reconsider. Without open communication, something innocent or with a perfectly harmless explanation, like a toothbrush for his tongue, or from a buddy who crashed on his couch last weekend, or that was used to clean some other object like hair clippers or a comb, can be misconstrued as you being another concubine in his harem. A girl I was "exclusively" dating saw a hair tie in my apartment from an old girlfriend, and instead of asking me about it, assumed it was her cue to start keeping her options open too. If he has multiple sidepieces who are regulars at his apartment to the point where they are leaving toiletries in his bathroom, then, you both have your answers.
Shining One Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) Years ago, I had a woman leave abruptly after a great date. I later found out that she left to see the guy she was sleeping with (she hadn't slept with me). He was previously unavailable that night, but suddenly became available and she left me to see him. Of course, she gave me an excuse saying that her neighbor who was pet sitting for her texted her to report a problem with her dog. Unfortunately for me, unlike the man in the original post, I wasn't smart enough to cut ties immediately. Edited December 10, 2019 by Shining One
fishlips Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Oh, Lord, maybe he cleans the grout on his tiles with a toothbrush? You left and didn't explain why you were so upset. Maybe that had something to do with it. Or maybe he really is a player and saw that he got caught with his pants down. In any case, it's weird that he broke up with you out of the blue. Good riddance, and hopefully you find someone else who isn't so quick to blow you off next time. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 If you really like him, I'd get back in touch and just be open and honest. What's so refreshing in my new relationship is that I finally feel solid and strong on my own, which means I feel 100% free to express any concerns I have. I'm not afraid of losing him because I know I can stand on my own, so I let it all out. And every time, he listens and we have a productive conversation. In the past, I was much more afraid of being so open, as I didn't want to rock the boat. Now I feel that if he isn't open to me being me, it'll never work, anyway. So I'm polite, respectful, but fully my womanly, intuitive, emotional self, and he seems to respect and love me more for it. 3
Trail Blazer Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 27 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: If you really like him, I'd get back in touch and just be open and honest. What's so refreshing in my new relationship is that I finally feel solid and strong on my own, which means I feel 100% free to express any concerns I have. I'm not afraid of losing him because I know I can stand on my own, so I let it all out. And every time, he listens and we have a productive conversation. In the past, I was much more afraid of being so open, as I didn't want to rock the boat. Now I feel that if he isn't open to me being me, it'll never work, anyway. So I'm polite, respectful, but fully my womanly, intuitive, emotional self, and he seems to respect and love me more for it. I'm exactly the same, but the male version. It's so important to be open and communicate effectively. In the case of the OP, I think it was very poor form to make such assumptions. I have multiple toothbrushes on the go, sometimes even pink/purple ones as I've bought multipacks from the gas station when I've been out and about. If OP really likes this man, she has nothing to lose except being honest and laying it all out there. The worst he can say is "no" and nothing changes.
rjc149 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) 2 hours ago, Shining One said: Years ago, I had a woman leave abruptly after a great date. I later found out that she left to see the guy she was sleeping with (she hadn't slept with me). He was previously unavailable that night, but suddenly became available and she left me to see him. Of course, she gave me an excuse saying that her neighbor who was pet sitting for her texted her to report a problem with her dog. Unfortunately for me, unlike the man in the original post, I wasn't smart enough to cut ties immediately. !!! Edited December 11, 2019 by rjc149
NomiMalone Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) So y’all just assume that the guy would tell the truth when asked about the toothbrush? “Yes honey, I’m sleeping with 2 other girls on the side”, answered no boyfriend ever. The toothbrush would’ve planted a seed of doubt in OP’s head regardless of whether she confronted him or not. It was just a lose-lose situation. Having said that I do have 2 toothbrushes in my toothbrush holder, one of them being a fancy looking one I got for free from the dentist that I keep meaning to try out. Edited December 11, 2019 by NomiMalone 3
scooby-philly Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 Something as simple as "hey, why do you have so many toothbrushes?" would have given him a chance to explain - regardless of the answer. Maybe he wouldn't tell the truth if he was seeing others, but you can't jump to conclusions based on casual observations. Sure, if there's something OBVIOUS - like a pregnancy test, tampons, etc. that aren't YOURs and wouldn't be something he'd leave around after his mother or sister spent the weekend, that's cause for concern. Even in those cases I'd prefer to confront the issue rather than avoid it. But...something as simple as a toothbrush? Hundreds of possible non-seeing other women uses for a second toothbrush. But to your larger issue, sounds like you were scared of going further or had "second thoughts" and used that as the excuse to leave. Did you have trauma, abandonment, or other issues as a child that might be stirring the flee before he does attitude? 3
stillafool Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 I wouldn't get back in touch with him to ask him anything. If he can dump you over a toothbrush incident he was already planning to do it. If a man was really interested in you he would be flattered that you were a bit jealous over seeing that toothbrush. An interested man would not be turned off by this. He is seeing others and probably has become closer with someone else. 1
lurker74 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 I once had a serious girlfriend with significant jealousy issues spend several hours at the "Opera" with me one night. As she was leaving, she saw my daughter's black pantyhose from her dance recital on the floor near the mudroom. She assumed they were another woman's even though she knew all about my daughter. I explained whose they were but she was still riled up. I broke up with her the next morning as I just couldn't deal with the stress of her over worked imagination. I would guess now she's counting toothbrushes in the medicine cabinet. 2
scooby-philly Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 @stillafool - That's the problem - he DOESN'T KNOW what happened since she left in a hurry and never explained. 2
Author yesilikebread Posted December 11, 2019 Author Posted December 11, 2019 (edited) 22 hours ago, TheFinalWord said: I think he knew the stove excuse was BS. Yes, I agree. Thinking back now, I don't understand how anyone would believe that. 12 hours ago, scooby-philly said: Something as simple as "hey, why do you have so many toothbrushes?" would have given him a chance to explain - regardless of the answer. Maybe he wouldn't tell the truth if he was seeing others, but you can't jump to conclusions based on casual observations. Sure, if there's something OBVIOUS - like a pregnancy test, tampons, etc. that aren't YOURs and wouldn't be something he'd leave around after his mother or sister spent the weekend, that's cause for concern. Even in those cases I'd prefer to confront the issue rather than avoid it. But...something as simple as a toothbrush? Hundreds of possible non-seeing other women uses for a second toothbrush. But to your larger issue, sounds like you were scared of going further or had "second thoughts" and used that as the excuse to leave. Did you have trauma, abandonment, or other issues as a child that might be stirring the flee before he does attitude? No, no childhood drama, but I am on the spectrum (autistic)..which he knows Edited December 11, 2019 by yesilikebread
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 NomiMalone is correct "Yes honey, I’m sleeping with 2 other girls on the side”, answered no boyfriend ever. " If she had asked about the toothbrush, what was he really going to say? How much better off would she be in reality? How could she prove he was not just spinning her a line? Dating is about sussing out what a person is really like. When one feels something is off and IS not adding up, one needs to take notice and act accordingly. 1
scooby-philly Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 But that's a lot to assume from one tooth brush. Unless she had other warning signs she did not share in her message 2
FMW Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 When you ask questions you don't just listen to the answer - you read the reaction, both face and body. Sure, if he's really smooth and practiced he could fake that too. But I would still ask. If we always assume the worst and assume we won't get a truthful answer to our questions then why bother dating. 1
elaine567 Posted December 12, 2019 Posted December 12, 2019 12 minutes ago, Finding my way said: When you ask questions you don't just listen to the answer - you read the reaction, both face and body. The OP being "on the spectrum ", may have found it difficult to read his body language and gauge his reaction..
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