Double D Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Hi All Sorry for the long message. I just wanted to give as much detail and context as possible to help with any advice you can give. In March an acquaintance I was working with left for a new job. Towards the end of her leaving we were slowly getting close and a connection was forming. She gave me her number when she left and said she would like us to stay in touch. When she left we gradually were texting back and forth, with the occasional phone call added in. I seemed to initiate any contact but when I did she was always enthusiastic to hear from me and I felt she was present in any text or phone conversations. In June I asked her out on a date and told her I liked her as more than a friend. She told me she had a just started seeing someone and that it was new but she liked him but she did say she felt some conflict and confusion as she had some feelings for me too, she just was not sure what kind. We had a long conversation clearing the air and communicating our thoughts and feelings. We pretty much went our separate ways after that. I did not contact her again till August to wish her a happy birthday, she thanked me but the tone of the text she seemed not as present as before, so I decided to respect the fact that I waited to long to make a move and that she had a boyfriend and so left it be and moved on. We were not on NC or anything like that but we did not contact each after my birthday text. So last week she texted me (1st time she initiated contact) and asked if it was alright to contact me and to let her know if it wasn't, as she was not sure. I told her it was fine to contact me. We had a short text conversation but she insinuated that she has had a tough few months. She suggested we meet up during the Xmas period. I am due to travel in the middle of December for two weeks and she was travelling at the end of December for one week. We arranged to meet up last Saturday. It was the first time we were meeting in a social setting. We went to a cafe. We caught up on what each of us have been up too and I told her that she had not heard from me as I wanted to give her space as she was with someone and that I was not upset with her or anything. I just missed my chance. She then talked about what happened. in short she broke up with her boyfriend in September and it was a very abrupt break-up, which she did not see coming. She felt that he was going to be her life partner and this was reciprocated by him and she let her guard down straight away with him, where usually she takes time to build that trust. She said he had problems communicating his emotions and one or two little red flags appeared but nothing to suggest that this could not have been resolved. He told her you want something I am unable to give you and pretty much cut her off. She said it was devastating at the time but accepts it is over. We left the cafe and then went to a bar before she went to a gig. We had a couple of drinks and that is when we just talked. Getting to know each other, shared some stories. It was relaxed and fun. Our body language was very positive and felt a good vibe going on. I walked her to her gig, we wished each other a goodnight, hugged like loads of times, shared an eye contact moment then went our separate ways. I could of gone to kiss her but it did not feel right after what she had told me, did not want to give off the wrong impression. I texted her that I had a good evening, she said liked wise. Thanks if you got to the end So basically any thoughts or suggestions as to what you think is going on here would be appreciated. Also what my next move should be. I am still very much attracted to her but fully aware we don't really know each other that well. I know that sometimes when a woman knows a guy likes her and she is not feeling him, she won't really want to spend time with him. She contacted me out of the blue three months after her break up and she initiated contact, she suggest we meet up before we both travel. I guess I am hoping that means something. Thanks for reading
FMW Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 She's expressed her interest in having contact with you by initiating the text, agreeing to get together, and hugging you. So I think it would be perfectly fine to call/text and set up lunch or dinner or drinks. Keep in mind what she's told you about the guy who broke it off with her, she may not be completely over him. But it appears she was only seeing him for three months, that seems a little quick for her to think he was going to be her "life partner". So maybe it was just an infatuation that won't linger. 1
Mrin Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Ask her out on a date in early January when you are both back in town. If she declined then you have an answer.
smackie9 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 The strategy here is you completely backed off and that made her desire you more. So if I were you I would let her contact you again, and then casually ask her out. Being too eager is a turn off, but being a little bit of a challenge and being mysterious is enticing. She has trust issues from the last guy so it's better for her to come around when she's feeling more comfortable and sure of herself.
Author Double D Posted December 10, 2019 Author Posted December 10, 2019 Thanks for the replies. GeorgiaPeach1 - I am concerned I maybe a rebound that is why I want to tread carefully. Mrin - I think that is the plan, to ask her out in the New Year. Finding My Way - I get the sense that she definitely is not totally over him or maybe more how they broke up and feel that maybe she is just sensing and open to start explore if we have anything. Smackie9 - So you think I should let her lead in some respects and initiate contact again? I was thinking that as a woman she did the brave part of contacting me, with the possibility of me rejecting her and established some interest in me and that as the guy I need to kind of get things moving. What you think? I am thinking that 3 months to contact me after her break up means that she has had a little time to process what has happened, without totally over it but is ready to move on.
rjc149 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) Hmm I don't think you're just a rebound. I do think there is an element of her seeking some validation and support in a rough patch in her life, but I also think there is some genuine interest in something with you, no doubt compounded by your overall generally confident, laid-back, non-needy approach to this. I do, however, think you're communicating a bit too much of a friend vibe. You should not tell a girl your feelings when asking her out. It should be nonchalant, with no strings or expectations "hey, let's grab a drink at this bar I've been wanting to check out" or something like that. When you tell a girl "I have feelings for you, will you go on a date with me?" this conveys that you're expecting a romantic/sexual outcome. Women don't like pressure or expectations being placed on them, especially when sexual in nature. The romance and chemistry needs to develop organically. And you should have gone for a quick kiss at the end of your date -- you were getting clear invitations. What impression were you afraid of giving? That you're a confident, decisive man who is attracted to her and will lead the interaction and makes things happen? But, I don't think you're in the friend zone yet. I do think if you continue with "I respect her too much to make a move on her" you will be. If you don't hear from her by mid-January (seems likely you will), reach out with a friendly "hey, how are you?" or something. Edited December 10, 2019 by rjc149
lurker74 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Just ask her out. All the better if you can get a date in before travel starts (i.e. very very soon). I wouldn't worry about being a rebound...you could be, but it's hard to tell except in retrospect. I also wouldn't worry about coming on too strong...you demonstrated the ability to leave her. So ask her out and this time, kiss her.
Saracena Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 I would leave it up to her initially to contact you, which she probably will. If not then you can get in touch at some point in the near future.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 11, 2019 Posted December 11, 2019 It is a good sign that she initiated contact with you, but if you guys are hugging "Lots" that typically means she is comfortable with escalating the physical contact and that is something you should of done; when it comes to being a rebound guy, you always want to push the limits. Being a rebound means you cannot get comfortable, it means you need to escalate the relationship so that it can reach a place where SHE is comfortable and then you guys can spend time at that place. Rebound guy should never be taking somebody out for coffee, you should of went directly to the bar... Like... Even the term rebound, it means to bounce back, she needs somebody she can rebound the most intimate moments of her past relationship off of so she can continue forward, maybe with you, probably not, but if not, you get to have some fun with her for a while and she gets to be comfortable. And don't get it twisted either, this isn't some like "If you love something, set it free, if it comes back..." nonsense, she knew you two were not a great match, she decided to stick with homie over you and she knew back then that you would be rebound material at best. This is how it goes bro. Maybe something more will come of it, but you gotta keep in mind that you were her number 2 and the second the other guy comes sniffing around again, you'll be old news again. If you want a serious relationship, I would not even consider giving this chick anymore of your time, but if your comfortable being a rebound, then bounce it.
Author Double D Posted December 11, 2019 Author Posted December 11, 2019 19 hours ago, rjc149 said: What impression were you afraid of giving? I maybe over thinking it but I did not want to come across as I was taking advantage of her vulnerability, as she had told me she was very upset at the abruptness of her break-up. but next time I will go for the kiss. @CAPSLOCK BANDIT Thanks for the advice on being a rebound guy, I have not been consciously aware of being a rebound guy before but this time I do realize that this is a real possibility, so your advice will come in handy. I will suggest to her that I will want to take her out in the New Year when we are both back from our travels, so at least she is aware that I am keen to spend some time with her.
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