I like her, she seems into me, but still i feel the need to be prudent

[gringoloco]

Hi everyone, 

 

I met this girl through an app and have been seeing for the past 2 months, around 2 times a week.

At first I wasn't really sure she was my type and I kept asking myself wether I should continue seeing her or not.

The context when we met was not what you would call "normal". Her father had been sick from cancer for a year, and to cut it short he died 3 weeks ago. I was on a date with her the night before it happened, and she pretty much texted me about everyhting that was going on up until his last moments. 

 

To sum it up, the girl is not the "ideal girl" I had created in my mind after my last breakup, but has tons of charm. I can tell she is genuine and would really be a caring partner. What bugged me at the beginning is that we are from quite different backgrounds. She stopped school at 16yo to start working, while I did very long studies. Her family is also very modest while mine - although we're far from being rich - is doing allright. Up until now she has been the one chasing me all time, texting pretty much everyday and displaying signs that she would like the relationship to go further (holidays, ...). On my side, I have been reluctant to let myself fall in love with her. I have been very hurt from my past relationship with a girl who happened to have very deep-rooted mental issues (fear of abandonment). I loved her a lot and it ended badly. I have carried that weight for a year before getting better and enjoying myself again.

 

Now that was background elements

The issue is that I feel I m starting to like her more and more. I always wait for her texts. I check on her social media to see if she might be seeing other guys. All that seems to be distracting me from my "previous lifestyle".

The one thing that annoys me, is that she told me herself she has low self-esteem. That plus the death of her father 3 weeks ago, I feel like she is not as stable as you could be. I don't know what could happen if she goes to a party, gets drunk, meets a guy. Will she have sex easily with him? Can I trust her when she seems to be so into me? 

I am afraid to open myself only to get hurt again

 

Any advice would be welcome, it's a tricky situation

 

Thanks a lot

 

 

 

Edited December 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[introverted1]

39 minutes ago, elpandillero said:

The one thing that annoys me, is that she told me herself she has low self-esteem. That plus the death of her father 3 weeks ago, I feel like she is not as stable as you could be. I don't know what could happen if she goes to a party, gets drunk, meets a guy. Will she have sex easily with him? Can I trust her when she seems to be so into me? 

I am afraid to open myself only to get hurt again

 

Have you had a conversation about exclusivity?  Have you talked about what a relationship would look like for the two of you?  That's the place to start.

 

If you are already concerned about her having sex with another guy (are you two having sex?) then either she has shown some serious red flags, or you have brought past issues into this relationship. Which is it?

[Piddy]

Sometimes you just have to jump back into the deep end and swim.  I've only had one bad breakup in my life (luckily), but when that happened I never let the bad breakup affect me as far as new relationships.  Every relationship takes on it's own life and although being prudent can be wise, sometimes you need to go with your gut.    

[gringoloco]

9 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

 

Have you had a conversation about exclusivity?  Have you talked about what a relationship would look like for the two of you?  That's the place to start.

 

If you are already concerned about her having sex with another guy (are you two having sex?) then either she has shown some serious red flags, or you have brought past issues into this relationship. Which is it?

 

She has been in long term relationships in the past (up to 4 years) so my guess is she was faithful during that time.

We’re having sex and the sex is amazing probably the best sexual connection I ve had with someone.

Now you re spot on when you say she displayed red flags. Once I was having a drink with her friend and her, and her friend started talking about all these stories of her having sex with guys at parties etc... that made me feel really not at ease and a bit jealous/disgusted. Obviously she was single at the time, I can’t say I haven’t done that either.

But it’s the lack of self confidence issue that makes me think she could seek validation through other guys. 

On the opposite, I was never worried that my ex would be unfaithful and to my knowledge she hasn’t been.

I can tell that she wants me to talk about relationship plans, she wants to introduce me to her friends etc...She has always told me she wants to find the right guy with who she’ll spend her life with. So far I ve been the one hesitating to go that far and I haven’t really discussed the topic with her, nor talk about exclusivity.

I guess with the death of her dad on top of that I feel that things could change at anytime and it keeps me alert...

[d0nnivain]

It's not a tricky situation.   Judge the woman in front of you, the person she is now.  Not her family, not her background.  All the things in her past made her the woman she is now.  

 

Her father just died.  She is grieving but she is leaning on you for support.  For you to assume that will cause her to cheat on you is absurd. Yes, sex in the face of death is life affirming but she is having sex with you.    I can't guarantee that while drunk she won't seek out other men,  but the idea that you think that first & foremost tells me you are really damaged by past relationships.  However, the fact that some one in your past screwed you over does not in any way shape of form mean that is how this woman will act.   It's so unfair for you to punish her for some transgression committed by one of your EXs or worse that you are judging her against horror stories you read on the internet.  Newsflash:  More people are faithful but they don't post.  You only read about the heartbreak so it seems like everybody is a mess.  

 

Her friend's lack of discretion is unfortunate.  That woman needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  She had no business spilling her friend's sexual past to you.  They weren't her stories to tell.   I'd steer clear of that chick & never trust her with a confidence.  She has already proved herself to be indiscrete at best but a false friend at worst.  

 

Let go of whatever this "ideal" is.  That doesn't exist.  Looking for that & giving up a nice woman who is obviously into you will guarantee you will be alone forever.  

 

You are fine to keep your eyes open & guard your heart. You haven't known her all that long yet.  Just don't turn caution into paranoia.  

 

At this point, the farthest forward you should be thinking is whether you will have a date with her on NYE.   Don't worry about anything past that yet.  Slow & steady is fine.  

[gringoloco]

33 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It's not a tricky situation.   Judge the woman in front of you, the person she is now.  Not her family, not her background.  All the things in her past made her the woman she is now.  

 

Her father just died.  She is grieving but she is leaning on you for support.  For you to assume that will cause her to cheat on you is absurd. Yes, sex in the face of death is life affirming but she is having sex with you.    I can't guarantee that while drunk she won't seek out other men,  but the idea that you think that first & foremost tells me you are really damaged by past relationships.  However, the fact that some one in your past screwed you over does not in any way shape of form mean that is how this woman will act.   It's so unfair for you to punish her for some transgression committed by one of your EXs or worse that you are judging her against horror stories you read on the internet.  Newsflash:  More people are faithful but they don't post.  You only read about the heartbreak so it seems like everybody is a mess.  

 

Her friend's lack of discretion is unfortunate.  That woman needs to learn to keep her mouth shut.  She had no business spilling her friend's sexual past to you.  They weren't her stories to tell.   I'd steer clear of that chick & never trust her with a confidence.  She has already proved herself to be indiscrete at best but a false friend at worst.  

 

Let go of whatever this "ideal" is.  That doesn't exist.  Looking for that & giving up a nice woman who is obviously into you will guarantee you will be alone forever.  

 

You are fine to keep your eyes open & guard your heart. You haven't known her all that long yet.  Just don't turn caution into paranoia.  

 

At this point, the farthest forward you should be thinking is whether you will have a date with her on NYE.   Don't worry about anything past that yet.  Slow & steady is fine.  

 

I agree on the slow & steady, It went too fast with my ex. I loved her, but we burned ourselves by getting so serious so quickly

 

Now with this girl, she has quite a chaotic past. She was a heavy weed smoker, dropped out of school early, and probably easily had sex with guys while she was single due to her low self esteem. My ex was quite the opposite. Yet as you say the girl I have in front of me now is charming. I could totally fall for her. But I just don't want to let my guard down and get smacked in the face right after. Same time last year was one of the worst times of my life when I tried to get my ex back but could not. My ex had mental issues, and it destroyed our relationship. I just don't want to live a complicated situation like that anymore

[smackie9]

Some of the most successful people in the world dropped out of school. As for the partying, she's gotten it out of her system, and like a lot of people....they grow up. Low self esteem can be many things, and not always a person who sleeps around. She simply might be someone who may lean on you a little more for support. She probably mentioned that because she really needs you as she grieves, and quiet possibly worried that you will reject her because of it. She's had some hard knocks...that can be a good thing. These lessons/experiences have taught her about life, and probably can cope better than you through the rough times. If you want this to work, you have to communicate your vulnerability to her, from what you have experienced with your ex so you both can see where you are all coming from and understand each other better.

Edited December 10, 2019 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

take some deep breaths & remember that this woman is not your EX.  If she is not a weed smoking promiscuous train wreck now, assume she grew out of her wild child ways. 

 

In college I was the female equivalent of a player; my sorority sisters joked that my idea of a double date was having one boy take me to lunch & a different boy take me to dinner.   Once out of graduate school I was all about long term serial monogamy with  multi-year stable relationships so if I was single it would be a mistake for a man to not date me now as a middle aged woman based on how I behaved 3 decades ago. 

 

Similarly like you I come from an upper middle class background & my family was always comfortable.  When I started dating my now husband he was in his 30s going to college on line with no degree.  I had been an adjunct professor on the college level & in 2 different post grad programs.  Many people told me DH was beneath me.  All they saw was the blue collar upbringing.  I saw the industriousness.  I listened to my own instincts & have a wonderful man in my life.  He'd had his heart stepped on by an EX & it took him years to trust again but I'm glad he took a chance on me. 

 

Love is about risk but if you go slowly, guarding your heart until you know you can trust you should be fine.  I meant what I said, don't look too far into the future, not past NYE, just yet.  It's all still early.   In mid January you can think about Valentine's day but you can't even think about summer yet.  Slow. . . slow . . .slow. . . cautious.  

[Saracena]

On 12/10/2019 at 7:29 AM, elpandillero said:

But it’s the lack of self confidence issue that makes me think she could seek validation through other guys. 

 

I'm not sure why you think one could lead to the other? It's certainly not something I've experienced. Also I find it strange you find low self-esteem annoying. Or your expectation she'll go off the rails because her father has just died.

 

Reading your post, you appear to be doing a lot of assuming.

Edited December 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed formatting

[gringoloco]

So she has this birthday she's going to next saturday evening. Obviously she's planning on drinking quite a bit (she told it to me). She asked me to come but I just didn't feel like going ; most of her friends are much younger than me (she s 22 and i m 29).

 

I'm trying not to care and do my own things ( I have plans too), but still I feel afraid that she might do something stupid with a guy there. Only reason I would want to go would be to look at what she's doing.

 

I don't know why I'm so obsessed, I should just enjoy time out with my friends and let her do her thing, but I feel stressed about it

[d0nnivain]

You need to show up at her friend's birthday.  If you want to be a couple, you participate in the couple's events which includes being their for the birthday's & other celebrations of your SOs friends.   By refusing to attend you are sending the message that she doesn't matter.  If she thinks you don't care she will have more justification to do whatever & whoever she wants.  

[basil67]

You say that in terms of sleeping around, your past is similar to hers.    Now, you feel that her past means that she's more at risk of sleeping around, so I'm guessing that you're projecting your own indiscriminate sexual behaviour onto her.   Perhaps you need to take a look at yourself rather than projecting onto her.

[gringoloco]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to show up at her friend's birthday.  If you want to be a couple, you participate in the couple's events which includes being their for the birthday's & other celebrations of your SOs friends.   By refusing to attend you are sending the message that she doesn't matter.  If she thinks you don't care she will have more justification to do whatever & whoever she wants.  

I agree that when you are a couple that has been dating for a long time that makes sens.

But i have already spent quite a few time with her best friend, she has seen my best friend too, and i feel like going to this birthday where there will be like 20 of her friends might be a bit too much for only 2 months of dating.

I have loved my life as a single person. I took the time to rebuild myself and I feel quite happy about what I have become since my last breakup. 

The mistake I made with my ex is that we spent too much time together too soon. I was seeing her all weekends etc...I neglected my friends a lot, and as for her she had no social life and I was everything to her. This was just toxic.

I feel like to be happy in a relationship I also need to preserve time with my friends as much as she needs to preserve time with hers. I just need to be able to control the fear that she might sleep around. I know it is mostly in my head.

I don’t really like the fact that I start becoming too focused on her. It seems to make me less productive and sharp than before...

[d0nnivain]

I am not suggesting you spend all your time with her.  I am saying that she is looking forward to showing off her new BF at this party.  She may tell you it's fine if you don't attend but it won't be. When you don't go, all those friends are going to be whispering in her ear, telling her you don't care.  Go the party but let that be your only weekend date / encounter.    Do your own things Friday & Sunday.