Can I just make it stop?

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Inflikted said:

It's too bad "mail order brides" are so pricey.

Many years ago, I worked for this company and one of our customers obtained a "mail order bride".  It was a complete disaster, he complained what a horrible person she was, she wasted his money, etc. etc.  He would tell anyone who would listen.  I called him trying to collect on a past due bill and he went into this diatribe about his horrific "mail order bride"  Last I heard he was trying to "return" her, like she was a shirt that didn't fit.

[Inflikted]

2 hours ago, MetallicHue said:

Ugh you are articulate just too much of a downer. Have a positive outlook. Hang out with other people and things will fall into place. No need to be so glum. 

 

In fairness, I put on the mask of being a "positive person" quite well to the outside world. But in my experience, things don't tend to "fall into place" for me. 

 

1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said:

Many years ago, I worked for this company and one of our customers obtained a "mail order bride".  It was a complete disaster, he complained what a horrible person she was, she wasted his money, etc. etc.  He would tell anyone who would listen.  I called him trying to collect on a past due bill and he went into this diatribe about his horrific "mail order bride"  Last I heard he was trying to "return" her, like she was a shirt that didn't fit.

 

I guess... But at this point, I don't even care. I'd be happy just to have someone to pretend to care for me, even if they were actually using me or abusing me in some way. If I actually had the money to do so, I'd be totally ready to try to "buy" someone's love.

[schlumpy]

There was someone just recently (within two months) that went to the Philippines looking for wife and apparently found one. I can't recall his handle but maybe someone else can and direct you to the thread. It was interesting.

[Inflikted]

17 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

There was someone just recently (within two months) that went to the Philippines looking for wife and apparently found one. I can't recall his handle but maybe someone else can and direct you to the thread. It was interesting.

 

Well, it's not something I can afford, anyway. I may be personally willing to try to "buy" love at this point, but I don't actually have the cash to spare on it.

[preraph]

You're wrong about people not being able to tell something is off.  

[K.K.]

Wow this is the first time I’ve read this thread.. OP I feel so sad for you! I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Stop saying all these horrible things to yourself! You’re just as worthy of love as anybody else! Stop concentrating on it so much and just live your life! You don’t have to “buy love”. 

 

Wow, this thread got me in my feels. 😥

[Inflikted]

1 hour ago, preraph said:

You're wrong about people not being able to tell something is off.  

 

Well, my friends don't seem to notice anything. *shrug*

 

1 hour ago, K.K. said:

Wow this is the first time I’ve read this thread.. OP I feel so sad for you! I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. Stop saying all these horrible things to yourself! You’re just as worthy of love as anybody else! Stop concentrating on it so much and just live your life! You don’t have to “buy love”. 

 

Wow, this thread got me in my feels. 😥

 

 It would be wonderful if those things were true. Sadly, I'm incapable of making it happen for myself.

[Inflikted]

I feel like the things that frustrate me tend to happen in a cycle. Like, for a while, I get struck with this deep, cutting sense of loneliness and sadness, at the thought of never having someone to share life with. Eventually that loneliness and sadness turns to anger and self-loathing, because I blame myself for my inability to find and attract a partner.

 

And now, currently, I've entered the next stage, where I just feel emotionally drained and empty, and I reflect on the bleakness of it all. Right now, I'm stuck on the fact that I lack the "sense of attraction" that most normal people seem to have. Most people can go through life and frequently identify people that stand out to them in some way, and are attractive and appealing to potentially pursue. I can not. Most people have some sense of what they're looking for, and have some idea of qualities they hope to find in a partner. I do not.

 

Back in my younger years, I used to be able to imagine some ideal partner. Not someone "unreasonable", of course. But I used to be able to at least dream up some fictitious girl that I could see myself laughing with and talking with and spending time with, and of course, I would lament the fact that it was all made up and in my head and not real. But now, I can't even do that anymore. I just can't see someone for me. I try to think about who I'd want to be with, and I just can't see anyone. That's perhaps the biggest reason I've come to believe that there simply isn't someone out there for me.

[serene53]

Dear Inflikted,

have you ever asked yourself how things could improve for you? Firstly, things need to improve for you before you can expect anyone to join you. Obviously, nothing is going to become better if you insist on putting yourself down. For one, there is no need for that. It might help to compare yourself with people who will inspire you for the better. You can be whoever you like and you will still be liked. Needless to say, you will find it hard to attract anyone if you keep doing what you are doing momentarily. It is a matter of perspective. One person likes someone who reads, someone else prefers someone who watches movies all the time etc. So, all the negativity is your doing. You have a lot to say for yourself for sure.

However, it does help to start taking up activities. It gives you something to talk about and it is fun for you, too. 

Lastly, no one can know how the future will unfold and please, don't pretend you would have that special skill. Everyone needs to work on themselves, you included. Take small steps, change your life for the better.

[schlumpy]

Inflikted? Please allow me to introduce you to the man with an answer to your problem. His name is Enigma32. The thread is right here on the dating forum and the heading is - Finally decided. Meeting a girl from the Philippines soon.

 

Don't say you don't have the money. Get another job and start saving before you dot another i, Mr. Inflikted!

[Inflikted]

9 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Inflikted? Please allow me to introduce you to the man with an answer to your problem. His name is Enigma32. The thread is right here on the dating forum and the heading is - Finally decided. Meeting a girl from the Philippines soon.

 

Don't say you don't have the money. Get another job and start saving before you dot another i, Mr. Inflikted!

 

I'll take a look when I have some time to read through it. Even still, I don't expect I could afford it, myself. Like I said, I'm focused on saving for a place to live. What would be the point of buying a wife if we didn't even have a place to live? On top of that, I don't know whether she'd be able to eventually start providing an additional income, so I'd have to be able to provide for both myself and her, which I don't think I could feasibly do.

 

I suppose it's probably the realest option for me to be able to have someone in my life, but even that's out of my reach, because I simply can't afford to buy someone's love and affection. Another dream dashed, I suppose.

[schlumpy]

My Korean friend pretty much bought himself a Korean wife. He went to Korea single and within a month was married. She was a domestic dream and one thing she could really do well was stretch a dollar. She made him a better man even though he didn't deserve it.

[Inflikted]

19 hours ago, schlumpy said:

My Korean friend pretty much bought himself a Korean wife. He went to Korea single and within a month was married. She was a domestic dream and one thing she could really do well was stretch a dollar. She made him a better man even though he didn't deserve it.

 

Well, it's not like I'm bad with money, I just don't feel like I could solely support myself AND another person AND a place to live. Ideally, I always hoped I would end up in a dual income relationship.

 

Not to mention, if she doesn't speak much, or any, English, the language barrier would probably be pretty problematic.

 

Then again, I realize I can't exactly be picky about these things. In any case, at my income level, being able to buy someone's love and affection evidently isn't very realistic for me, either. I suppose I just can't win, when it comes to finding someone.

[Happy Lemming]

On 12/10/2019 at 6:49 PM, Inflikted said:

 I want to be able to happily watch my friends grow old together, see them have a family, see their future kids grow up, etc.

Stop living vicariously through these friends... The statement above just sounds creepy.  If your friends saw this statement or knew this about you, I guarantee they would cut ties and I would 100% agree with them.

 

Step 1 - Get out of your parents' home.  You are a 31 year old adult male, time to leave the nest, PERIOD!!  If you have to work a second job, do it.  If you want a house, BUY one.  Yes it is probably going to be a fixer-upper, yes it is probably going to be in a "questionable" neighborhood and yes, you are going to have to work a second job to afford it.  But its time.  You did this to yourself by being wishy-washy about choosing a career or picking some "basket weaving" degree program that doesn't provide a living wage.  Time to fix this error.

 

Step 2 - I actually like the idea by another poster in your other thread about the Philippine bride.  I think you should PM the guy and gather as much information as possible.  It costs nothing to gather information and do research.  As far as providing for a partner, yes you are going to have to figure out a way to "secure a living wage" for the both of you.  If that means going to college at night to take some courses, modifying and existing degree or learning a new skill/trade, do it.  If you want something or someone, you have to work hard to obtain those dreams.

[Inflikted]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Stop living vicariously through these friends... The statement above just sounds creepy.  If your friends saw this statement or knew this about you, I guarantee they would cut ties and I would 100% agree with them.

 

I can see how it would read that way, but all I'm trying to say is that if I can't ever have the life I want, it should be a nice consolation to be close with people that DO get to have the life I wanted. It would be nice if I could just be happy with that.

 

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Step 1 - Get out of your parents' home.  You are a 31 year old adult male, time to leave the nest, PERIOD!!

 

As long as I continue being diligent about saving money like I have been this entire year, I should be ready to make a move within the next 18 months. Which, I know, is still a bit of a ways off, which I agree is not THAT ideal, but I'd rather keep saving money while getting to live relatively comfortably in the meantime, than burn myself out and stress myself out working 12+ hours a day and/ or 7 days a week. Burning myself out that way is not going to be any better for my mental health. I was utterly miserable just working retail for the last 10+ years. Now I at least feel relatively good about most aspects of my life, and I'm desperate to hang on to that feeling, because it's kind of the only thing keeping me going at all, at this point.

 

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Step 2 - I actually like the idea by another poster in your other thread about the Philippine bride.  I think you should PM the guy and gather as much information as possible.  It costs nothing to gather information and do research.  As far as providing for a partner, yes you are going to have to figure out a way to "secure a living wage" for the both of you.  If that means going to college at night to take some courses, modifying and existing degree or learning a new skill/trade, do it.  If you want something or someone, you have to work hard to obtain those dreams.

 

I'll see about looking into it more, but again, that's simply more money than I'll ever reasonably be able to afford, not only to "buy" someone, but to be the sole provider, as well.

 

Listen, I understand the reality, here. The reality is, I'm a failure. And most likely, I will forever be a failure. That fact isn't lost on me. Heck, that's why I cling to certain ideals, because if I'm going to live and die as a failure, then I need to have some bright spots, otherwise my life would just be utterly miserable.

 

In any case, my ideal dating/ relationship scenario is simply not something I'm capable of attaining. I'm not at the point at trying to figure out what IS "realistic" for me, in that regard. A mail order bride, "buying" someone's affections with money, figuring out some way to otherwise trick a girl into wanting to be with me, these are some of my only "realistic" options, and to be honest, none of them are appealing enough to make me enthusiastically want to pursue them. They're just... sad. But then again, such is the life of a failure, yes?

[Piddy]

Don't assume a Philippine bride won't carry her own weight.  My wife has a woman from the Philippines (in her 50's) who works for her and has done very well.  The husband who brought her over was verbally abusive and she divorced him.  She said she will never marry again, but has had a live in boyfriend for years.

 

She owns her own home and has put her two daughters thru college.  On top of that my wife says she's one of the nicest people she's ever met.  Really friendly and outgoing. 

Edited December 26, 2019 by Piddy

[elaine567]

35 minutes ago, Piddy said:

Don't assume a Philippine bride won't carry her own weight.  My wife has a woman from the Philippines (in her 50's) who works for her and has done very well.  The husband who brought her over was verbally abusive and she divorced him.  She said she will never marry again, but has had a live in boyfriend for years.

 

She owns her own home and has put her two daughters thru college.  On top of that my wife says she's one of the nicest people she's ever met.  Really friendly and outgoing. 

I find it actually quite offensive the attitude to foreign brides.
We seem to be back in the days of "They all look the same to me"...
When did an entire nation ever become so uniform, one could assume personality and other traits as being a given.
It is complete nonsense. 
 

[Inflikted]

51 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I find it actually quite offensive the attitude to foreign brides.
We seem to be back in the days of "They all look the same to me"...
When did an entire nation ever become so uniform, one could assume personality and other traits as being a given.
It is complete nonsense. 
 

 

For what it's worth, this isn't what I'm trying to say. I'm speaking more to the notion that plucking someone from a foreign country is inevitably going to be quite a challenge. If they don't speak English, that's a process in of itself. On top of that, I don't know what the process of gaining citizenship and the legal ability to work entails. Then, they have gain experience and/ or education to be able to work.

 

That's all I'm talking about.

[Happy Lemming]

16 hours ago, Inflikted said:

... in the meantime, than burn myself out and stress myself out working 12+ hours a day and/ or 7 days a week.

Now is the time to work 7 days a week, you are 31, not 61!!

 

In order to buy my first home (and repair it), I worked 7 days a week for almost 5 years.  I was a little younger than you when I worked this stint, but there is no reason why (at 31) you can't work a second job.

 

"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work" - Colin Powell

[preraph]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I find it actually quite offensive the attitude to foreign brides.
We seem to be back in the days of "They all look the same to me"...
When did an entire nation ever become so uniform, one could assume personality and other traits as being a given.
It is complete nonsense. 
 

I agree in theory, but the group we're generalizing about isn't because they're specifically from the Phillipines but a group who are willing to marry strangers for monetary gain or other gain.  That is a red flag.  I hope Enigma's lady works out and he went to more trouble to get to know her than most mail-order-bride purchasers do, but it's still no guarantee.  It's a lot of hurdles, even if everyone's intentions are honorable.  

[Piddy]

21 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I find it actually quite offensive the attitude to foreign brides.
We seem to be back in the days of "They all look the same to me"...
When did an entire nation ever become so uniform, one could assume personality and other traits as being a given.
It is complete nonsense. 
 

 

The OP seems to have too many excuses.  There is a stereotype that these women from the Philippines can't speak English and are unemployable.  My wife reminded me that we worked with another Philippine bride years ago and she spoke fine English and worked at the same fortune 500 company we did. 

 

So, his stereotype that they all can't speak English and are unemployable is false in my experience.  They're like anyone else trying to make a better life for themselves.  The OP was born here and has too many excuses why he can't make his life better.

 

Therapy is something I would pursue if I were him.  Far too negative.  

 

 

Edited December 27, 2019 by Piddy

[Inflikted]

6 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

"A dream doesn't become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work" - Colin Powell

 

I know you will probably disagree, but I feel like I HAVE worked hard, for years, working jobs that made me miserable just so I could get by while trying (unsuccessfully) to better understand and connect with people, and trying unsuccessfully) to figure out my place in the world and a direction to go in. I'm incredibly indecisive, yes, and I always fail to make "good" choices that would maybe get me to a better place, but personally, I don't feel like I've lived life as a "slacker".

 

And now, I just feel burnt out. When you try so hard, for years, to push on through and hope you'll eventually get to a good place, only to feel like you've made little to no progress, that's frustrating. And no, I'm not trying to say I'm "entitled" to anything. But I've arrived at a point where I can't help but wonder what the point of it all was. And what the point of it is.

 

55 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's a lot of hurdles, even if everyone's intentions are honorable.  

 

That's all I was really trying to say, yes.

 

32 minutes ago, Piddy said:

So, his stereotype that they all can't speak English and are unemployable is false in my experience.  They're like anyone else trying to make a better life for themselves.  The OP was born here and has too many excuses why he can't make his life better.

 

I'm not trying to "stereotype" anyone, I just feel like it didn't make sense to assume I could import some "perfect", fully capable foreign person here and expect it to go well.

 

In any case, I'm not making excuses, I'm simply a failure, trying to figure out what the most realistic and attainable form of "happiness" is for someone like me.

[preraph]

I know certainly some of them will work. It's a crap shoot, that's all.  I mean, you don't know them at all to know what they'll really do.  My cousin's eventually worked (when her English was good enough), but she NEVER contributes to the household, sends it all to relatives either in Phillipines or San Francisco or uses it to bring people over or go back and forth.  

[Piddy]

3 hours ago, Inflikted said:

In any case, I'm not making excuses, I'm simply a failure, trying to figure out what the most realistic and attainable form of "happiness" is for someone like me.

 

Happiness comes from within.  You have to make yourself happy.   Somehow you need to change your attitude towards life.  Everything is so negative.  Maybe that is your reality, but try not to focus so much on the negativity.  Do you enjoy your self loathing? 

 

If not, seek out help to try and find ways to change you mindset.  Posting on here about how much you're a failure and without hope isn't helping yourself at all.  You have to want to change and you don't seem willing to even try. 

 

 

[Inflikted]

12 hours ago, Piddy said:

Happiness comes from within.  You have to make yourself happy.   Somehow you need to change your attitude towards life.  Everything is so negative.  Maybe that is your reality, but try not to focus so much on the negativity. 

Yeah, I know I'm the only one that can "make" me happy. The issue I have is that I can't seem to figure out how to reconcile what I really want versus what's actually realistic and attainable. Heck, I don't even feel like I know what actually is realistic and attainable for me. I don't know how to find my own little slice of happiness, because I don't know what I can have and what I can't have. All of the "realistic" options in front of me don't seem very appealing. It's hard to stop lamenting over the life I wish I could've had. All I can ever really see is what I failed to have, and I can't see what I could have, that could bring me some degree of happiness.