Concern0728 Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 I've been dating a man for several months. He says he loves me and I do have strong feelings for him; he also has several qualities I've been looking for a long time. However, there is certain behavior which may spell trouble, I'm just not sure. Specifically, he is an opinionated type of guy, especially when it comes to food. He is a picky eater as well. So it's hard to find a restaurant he really likes, but we've managed to find a few. If he doesn't care for it, he really puts the place down - I tell him nothing can be that bad (it's fine for me). He can also be dictatorial - kind of "his" way is the best way and somewhat egotistical in some things. However, he does seem to be generally very nice, thoughtful, considerate (to me and my grown kids) and complementary (when it comes to me, he compliments me a lot). The thing is that I broke up a long term relationship because of similar behavior - my ex really only wanted it his way and was very bossy sometimes to me. My new bf is not nearly as bad and is easier to get along with but threads of this behavior do appear. He "tells it the way it is" a lot - a bit on the harsh side...for example, we were out to dinner with my adult son and my son was reading a menu while my bf was talking to him and my bf made a remark to my son that "you should put the menu down when someone is talking to you" - when I brought it up to him, he said "well, you don't want him doing that when he is at a business meal" - he is right and my son is very immature sometimes, but was it his place to say something? Do I discuss this with him and if so, can I really expect any change? He is in his 60s - I've learned you can't change someone.
schlumpy Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 People in their 60's have a wealth of information to pass on. They have seen the outcomes for specific behaviors or they have experienced those negative outcomes themselves and wish for those they care about to avoid the same fate. I sympathize and understand that it can be a nuisance and that you might feel at this early date that he is treading on your territory. I don't see any reason not to tell him so. After all, he may be in your life for five months, five years or forever. There's no way to know right now. If he takes it badly then perhaps that is a red flag you need to see. BTW, I've been guilty of dispensing unwanted wisdom myself. 1
smackie9 Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 Maybe he should have waited to talk to him after he and everyone else puts the menu down right? It's a different world since the 1950's. The way people interact, and manners have somewhat changed. IMO he commands full attention, and if he doesn't get it, he blames it on others being disrespectful. He's making you feel uncomfortable....well guess what.....it's early days, so he's on his best behavior. Just wait when you have been dating for awhile or start living together. It's only going to get worse. This is why we date. To see if they fulfill our expectations, and treat us right. If there are inklings of traits of the ex, your gut is telling you something. Just because he is OK most of the time, those little things become bigger and will become a problem. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 You are sensitive to this because it caused the demise of your last relationship. He does sound like a strong willed guy who is stuck on the my way or the highway path. I don't mind people with strong opinions but they have to be open enough to let others also have strong opinions even when those opinions contradict their strongly held beliefs. Absent flexibility & compromise, including a live & let live philosophy, he may not be the best match for you. As for being a picky eater -- the default always goes to the picky one. I am a picky eater & hate certain kinds of restaurants (mostly national chains with laminated menus). I know they are "fine" for most people but I prefer to avoid them.
TheFinalWord Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 So he's a picky eater and sometimes talks out of turn. I'm not seeing that these are red flags. You women are impossible to please. haha He is a picky eater. I'm sure it's kind of annoying, but I don't see that as a red flag. Him checking out other women at the restaurant or mistreating the waiter is a red flag. He can't change his food preferences. He talks out of turn sometimes. Welcome to the reality of dating an older man. lol I am much younger than him and I catch myself correcting the younger generation with the old "In my day" mentality.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 It's true that people don't change much. So you can accept him, embrace him, and love him with all his shining qualities and flaws or not. My boyfriend is amazing, but he's also an absent-minded mathematician who leaves his stuff lying all over the place and sometimes forgets things I'd prefer he remember. I'm a neat freak and never forget anything, so I'm already accepting that as long as I'm with him, I'll be organizing all his little messes in the house (which he appreciates me doing) and using my elephant memory to remind him of details he's forgotten (which he also appreciates). I definitely have my own annoying qualities as well, and he accepts them as part of the whole package, thank goodness. 2
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 My guess you are a nice person, a people pleaser and you are not strong enough to put "opinionated, dictatorial guys" back in their place so you can have a happy, nice and peaceful life for yourself. Going out to eat has become a stressful event that is all about him making trouble and moaning... You already put up with one of these for years. History repeating. 2
scooby-philly Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 @TheFinalWord - Man - that doesn't help men avoid the stereotypes about us being infantile and whatnot. @Concern0728 - The question is not are these red flags. The question is how you feel and for you to think - are you projecting your own issues, concerns, and past history onto this guy? You've shared that you broke off a relationship because the guy was judgmental and demeaning. If these are non-negotiable for you, then as someone said - it's probably only going to get worse as you become more comfortable with each other. Your son is a grown man and there's better ways for him to try and "help" your son. Not to mention just because we don't do x,y, or z in setting A that we're ignorant that we shouldn't go it in setting A,B, or C. Your son may know full well not to ignore co-workers when out at a restaurant. So it's not only rude, but it was very judgmental and assumed a lot. As for the picky eating - the same rule applies - if you like to try different restaurants and he's got like only 3 or 4 he'd go to, or he skips types that you love you need to discuss it with him - if he can't compromise with you, then it's a "problem". While TheFinalWord was rude about it - he brings up a good point. "Red flags" are more serious issue - like see it and run! While some may consider these red flags, I don't - but it's still incumbent upon you to determine if you want to tolerate it for the sake of the relationship.
preraph Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 So many of these type Loveshack stories come down to kids not being taught basic manners. Now, I don't think it's that bad he was looking at the menu IF he was at least pretending to listen and looking up from time to time and nodding and acknowledging, but if he was just ignoring him, the man is right. And no, you won't change him. He's nearly my age. He probably knows better -- and even if he doesn't, he has no reason to change in that way. Now, it would bother me if he spent more than a sentence or two griping about why he doesn't like a restaurant, because that's also not polite. But I'm very picky about restaurants too and don't like spending my money on a bad one, so....depends on the circumstances.
spiderowl Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Are you comfortable with his behaviour? How do you feel when he denigrates the restaurant or tells your son off? Is that the kind of relationship you want? I think I would find it difficult to cope with someone like that and his pickiness and denigration would be a dealbreaker for me. I am facing a similar situation but with pickiness not denigration. Extreme pickiness alone is enough to concern me. Correcting my son would be a red flag. I would rather a guy mentioned it to me privately so that I could correct my son if I agreed his behaviour was rude.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 I'm gonna level with you: A guy that speaks directly to your son/daughter in a "You should be doing this" type tone, is really not somebody with much experience or personable qualities... Like anyone with half a brain knows that the power of suggestion is going to be more effective than confrontation... When he says "You should put down the menu when people are talking to you", he is giving up all of his power and respect, because if your son does not do what he says, what will he do? Is he going to beat your son up? This in particular is troubling, because he has no recourse, other than to escalate the confrontation even further, when the confrontation that has already happened is just unnecessary in the first place... This is the type of thing I would do when I was 20, dating a woman who had a 12 year old kid and I am talking to this kid like I am his Dad after the second week of moving in... Looking back, It was just an idiotic thing to do, but I didn't know any better. You definitely need to set some boundaries with this guy and your son, especially if your son is acting out.
TheFinalWord Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 11 hours ago, scooby-philly said: While TheFinalWord was rude about it - he brings up a good point. "Red flags" are more serious issue - like see it and run! While some may consider these red flags, I don't - but it's still incumbent upon you to determine if you want to tolerate it for the sake of the relationship. I wasn't rude about it. I included several "LOL" in the post to indicate a joking tone. See OP, here is an example of a guy acting like your BF. Correcting me and assuming about my behaviors. I corrected his misunderstanding and that's the end of it.
todreaminblue Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 i feel when you are with someone you should be with them lock stock and barrel you take the good with the bad ..you can't sweat the little stuff........i guess if there's more bad than good...then that's a red flag....for you......more bad than good means a miserable future together....if theres more good than bad ....the good will supercede....and there will be more laughs than tears.....deb 1
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