bradt93 Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 I'm 31 and never dated. I don't get out of my house besides school and working out. I try to keep myself in shape and I don't talk to any woman, because I'm afraid of getting looked down upon. All these women at my college are in their early to mid 20's. I wonder if my age is a factor?
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 Do you live by yourself? Roommates? Do you live on campus? Do you have any experience with women at all? Provide your experiences for us. Why would they look down on you?
Ellener Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 You are in the prime of life. Practice your social skills and dismiss or get help with this notion of being looked down upon. Remember, everyone feels awkward and a bit off-balance at times surrounding relationships.
Foxhall Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 7 hours ago, bradt93 said: I don't talk to any woman, because I'm afraid of getting looked down upon. your problem is in your post, you have to talk to women buddy, I would not worry about getting looked down upon, does that really matter?? young women in their early 20s, some of them will have tickets on themselves and "look down on you" but what the hell, lots of nice women too out there, start thinking of things to talk about and start talking to them and you will enjoy it. 1
Author bradt93 Posted December 9, 2019 Author Posted December 9, 2019 I will tell you this, it's very uncomfortable sharing classes with a bunch of 20 something year olds, but I need to finally get my degree. My bipolar has held me back for awhile, plus family problems is the reason why I was not out of college a long time ago. 1
Ellener Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 Well done for not letting setbacks stop your plans and achievements. Good luck! 1
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 If memory serves you previously shared that you have been diagnosed with Asperger's, That makes it difficult for you to pick up social cues. So while I don't know specifically what you are doing wrong. I suspect you are missing certain cues. You may lean in too close or fail to recognize that your behavior is making somebody else uncomfortable. Unfortunately because the other person doesn't know it's a function of your condition, she just concludes you are creepy. Good support groups for your condition. They can hook you up with coping mechanisms that will help you over come the deficit you were saddled with. Try AANE or the Different Brains group. Happy hunting! 1
DarrenB Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 I'd personally consider late 20's/early 30's to be the pinnacle of dating... Do you have other friends or acquaintances that regularly have outings and gatherings? if so, try to tag along as it would be a great starting point to introduce yourself to other people and women
Author bradt93 Posted December 9, 2019 Author Posted December 9, 2019 (edited) 11 hours ago, d0nnivain said: If memory serves you previously shared that you have been diagnosed with Asperger's, That makes it difficult for you to pick up social cues. So while I don't know specifically what you are doing wrong. I suspect you are missing certain cues. You may lean in too close or fail to recognize that your behavior is making somebody else uncomfortable. Unfortunately because the other person doesn't know it's a function of your condition, she just concludes you are creepy. Good support groups for your condition. They can hook you up with coping mechanisms that will help you over come the deficit you were saddled with. Try AANE or the Different Brains group. Happy hunting! I just want to my soulmate and I feel like I've been looking for years. Edited December 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed multiquote
d0nnivain Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 That's all anybody wants. I didn't find my husband until I was 39 Hang in there.
normal person Posted December 9, 2019 Posted December 9, 2019 18 hours ago, bradt93 said: I'm 31 and never dated. I don't get out of my house besides school and working out. I try to keep myself in shape and I don't talk to any woman, because I'm afraid of getting looked down upon. All these women at my college are in their early to mid 20's. I wonder if my age is a factor? Your age isn't a factor, but the fact that you're still in school at your age is. If women go for older men, it's usually because they're successful, mature, and can often provide a lifestyle upgrade. But to the women in your classes (I'm assuming you're an undergrad), you're at least a decade older and in the exact same spot in life that they are. Why would a girl go for a guy who's so behind the ball when they're surrounded by guys their own age firmly on the right track? Plus, the optics of a 31 year old trying to hit on 18-21 year olds are not good. They will not treat you kindly. Also, women your age are likely going to want a guy who's deep into his career and well on his way up the ladder already. What I would suggest is to look for a woman your own age in a similar situation, a student in her 30s. They might be a bit more sympathetic. Also, if you "don't get out the house besides school and working out," why not go out for another reason? Why not go out with your friends and see if you can meet women the old fashioned way? You'd have a better shot than trying amongst teenagers.
mark clemson Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Bipolar, Asperger's, not socializing, fear of being looked down upon, not talking to women. All these things can keep you stuck. Overcoming them is easier said than done, but that's what you need to do. You say you keep fit. If you also look good (e.g. nice haircut, nice clothes) that will help potentially generate some interest. But really it won't overcome the other issues you've stated. And of course women in their 20's are in their most sought-after age range generally, so they will have lots of options. Consider looking for some social skills classes for Aspergers' folks (if available in your area) as a start. Consider an unattractive woman (seriously). There are no doubt women out there who'd be sincerely grateful for male attention even from a guy with "issues" but naturally they are likely to have at least some "issues" of their own. 1
alphamale Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 is your bipolar under control with medications? do you see a doctor on a regular basis?
Author bradt93 Posted December 10, 2019 Author Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) 2 hours ago, alphamale said: is your bipolar under control with medications? do you see a doctor on a regular basis? Yes, it is. 4 hours ago, normal person said: Your age isn't a factor, but the fact that you're still in school at your age is. If women go for older men, it's usually because they're successful, mature, and can often provide a lifestyle upgrade. But to the women in your classes (I'm assuming you're an undergrad), you're at least a decade older and in the exact same spot in life that they are. Why would a girl go for a guy who's so behind the ball when they're surrounded by guys their own age firmly on the right track? Plus, the optics of a 31 year old trying to hit on 18-21 year olds are not good. They will not treat you kindly. Also, women your age are likely going to want a guy who's deep into his career and well on his way up the ladder already. What I would suggest is to look for a woman your own age in a similar situation, a student in her 30s. They might be a bit more sympathetic. Also, if you "don't get out the house besides school and working out," why not go out for another reason? Why not go out with your friends and see if you can meet women the old fashioned way? You'd have a better shot than trying amongst teenagers. You think I need "sympathy" are you kidding me? I'm just fine right now without all the hassle of a relationship. 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: Bipolar, Asperger's, not socializing, fear of being looked down upon, not talking to women. All these things can keep you stuck. Overcoming them is easier said than done, but that's what you need to do. You say you keep fit. If you also look good (e.g. nice haircut, nice clothes) that will help potentially generate some interest. But really it won't overcome the other issues you've stated. And of course women in their 20's are in their most sought-after age range generally, so they will have lots of options. Consider looking for some social skills classes for Aspergers' folks (if available in your area) as a start. Consider an unattractive woman (seriously). There are no doubt women out there who'd be sincerely grateful for male attention even from a guy with "issues" but naturally they are likely to have at least some "issues" of their own. If by "unattractive" you mean a 500 pound woman, nah I think I will pass. 4 hours ago, normal person said: Your age isn't a factor, but the fact that you're still in school at your age is. If women go for older men, it's usually because they're successful, mature, and can often provide a lifestyle upgrade. But to the women in your classes (I'm assuming you're an undergrad), you're at least a decade older and in the exact same spot in life that they are. Why would a girl go for a guy who's so behind the ball when they're surrounded by guys their own age firmly on the right track? Plus, the optics of a 31 year old trying to hit on 18-21 year olds are not good. They will not treat you kindly. Also, women your age are likely going to want a guy who's deep into his career and well on his way up the ladder already. What I would suggest is to look for a woman your own age in a similar situation, a student in her 30s. They might be a bit more sympathetic. Also, if you "don't get out the house besides school and working out," why not go out for another reason? Why not go out with your friends and see if you can meet women the old fashioned way? You'd have a better shot than trying amongst teenagers. A lot of reasons why I'm still in school, trust me I wanted to graduate a long time ago. My bipolar, deaths in my family and other things held me back. It's also not unusual for people to go back to school as an "older adult" Edited December 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator fixed multi quote
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 I don't think the person who said women your age would be more sympathetic meant that you were to be pitied. I think the poster meant more sensitive, people who have enough maturity to not be judgmental. Young collegians can be brutal but another returning adult student who like you is surrounded by college "kids" would understand your struggle more.
Author bradt93 Posted December 10, 2019 Author Posted December 10, 2019 10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I don't think the person who said women your age would be more sympathetic meant that you were to be pitied. I think the poster meant more sensitive, people who have enough maturity to not be judgmental. Young collegians can be brutal but another returning adult student who like you is surrounded by college "kids" would understand your struggle more. Unless those Young collegians just wanted one night stands. I mean you hear women and men in the news date really young partners and even marry. I do agree with though that if I'm not "established" yet and don't have a career going and solid footing in the door, I'm not going to get that far.
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 In college as a young woman I wanted nothing to do with some 31+ year old dude. I didn't care how much money he had or how established he was. Those criteria mattered post graduate. As a 31 year old woman I was a bit hesitant about dating a college student no matter how old he was; ironically my husband was taking college courses on line when we met & married but honestly with my post graduate degree that enabled me to teach college as an adjunct that was a strike against him. My point is like dates like. So look around for other students in your age bracket who will applaud the effort without demanding the results of the established career yet. 1
Author bradt93 Posted December 10, 2019 Author Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) As a young college student, why wouldn't you of dated the 31 year old if you were attracted to him? Edited December 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
basil67 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 Brad, a woman can't be attracted to a man if she doesn't want anything to do with him.
Author bradt93 Posted December 10, 2019 Author Posted December 10, 2019 15 minutes ago, basil67 said: Brad, a woman can't be attracted to a man if she doesn't want anything to do with him. Is that directed at me personally?
basil67 Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 No, I was chiming in with d0nnis comment which you seemed to have missed the point on. dOnni said that in her college years, she wanted nothing to do with a 31yo guy. You asked what if she was attracted to him. I made the comment that a woman won’t be attracted to a man she wants nothing to do with.
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 4 hours ago, bradt93 said: As a young college student, why wouldn't you of dated the 31 year old if you were attracted to him? Because in college between the ages of 18 - 22, I thought men in their 30s were ancient. I did not find them attractive. They seemed too old. I didn't find them attractive. Honestly at that point in my life, on the very rare occasion when I met somebody who's age was above what I thought the norm for college was -- i.e. above 24 -- I wondered what he was doing there. I was not very broad minded. Basically I was a judgmental B***h. My point to remains, stop hitting on the young co-eds. They are not interested. You are too old for them. Yes, there might be 1 in 1,000 for whom your age is not a factor but you will face far too much rejection to find her. Instead find the group of returning adult students your own age, with life experience, so they are closer in age to you & fish in that pond. I'd check out who is around in the evening classes or at the grad school. They will be more receptive to your overtures. If you are still working -- I remember you got a job after you got your AA Degree -- finding a GF in the workforce rather than in class may serve you well. 1
mark clemson Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 13 hours ago, bradt93 said: If by "unattractive" you mean a 500 pound woman, nah I think I will pass. No, not necessarily that. Just one who isn't that great looking (but is "ok") and thus gets passed over a bit. There are plenty of "decent" lonely women out there. You'll need to overcome some of your own issues (like staying at home) enough to meet her, though.
normal person Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 (edited) 14 hours ago, bradt93 said: If by "unattractive" you mean a 500 pound woman, nah I think I will pass. Then you should be empathetic to the fact most college aged women have their own standards too, and most probably aren't going to receptive to a 31 year old college student, especially if he's hitting on 18-21 year olds. That, to a woman that age, could be just as unappealing. 14 hours ago, bradt93 said: A lot of reasons why I'm still in school, trust me I wanted to graduate a long time ago. My bipolar, deaths in my family and other things held me back. It's also not unusual for people to go back to school as an "older adult" I didn't ask the reasons you're still in school -- because I know they don't really matter. Sorry that happened to you, but with regards to dating, no one's really going to care or give you the benefit of the doubt because you've had obstacles or because your situation isn't necessarily your fault. Let's say you found out that 500 pound woman you're so repulsed by is only 500 pounds due to a glandular problem. Are you suddenly going to overlook the fact that she's 500 pounds? No. Because you don't like women who are 500 lbs, regardless of why they're 500 pounds. You're under no obligation to give her consideration because her situation isn't necessarily her fault. So, you also need to realize that women aren't going to give you consideration because your situation isn't your fault either. Bad things happen in life to everyone. Trying to use misfortune to gain sway with people or to get them to overlook your situation might help them understand you a bit better, but it's not likely to make you more attractive. Let's say a girl has burns all over her body because she rescued a child from a burning car. Heroic? Yes. Selfless? Yes. More attractive to men? I don't see it happening. Like you, my family died. It's not that people don't care or aren't sorry to hear it, but I don't think it's ever made someone more or less attracted to me. It's simply expository. If it comes up, I tell people, but I don't need it as an excuse or crutch, because that's not what its function is, and I never expect anyone to change their opinions or expectations of me because of it. That just doesn't happen. I don't do that to people and I understand that they won't do it to me. Not because people are bad, but because they are inherently selfish when it comes to finding a partner for themselves. They aren't going to sacrifice their hand because I, or you, drew a few lousy cards. There's no point in saying "well, I would be more successful if my family hadn't died." What difference does that make to her? And honestly, I think it's more attractive to not use excuses. 13 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I don't think the person who said women your age would be more sympathetic meant that you were to be pitied. I think the poster meant more sensitive, people who have enough maturity to not be judgmental. Young collegians can be brutal but another returning adult student who like you is surrounded by college "kids" would understand your struggle more. Correct. Edited December 10, 2019 by normal person 2
preraph Posted December 10, 2019 Posted December 10, 2019 I'm sorry you're uncomfortable coping at school, but try to stay focused at school and forget about the social aspect of it. I went back to night school in my 30s and I can tell you I was invisible to all the young 20-something students. Not my crowd! It used to be that night school had more older people in it, but that wasn't the case when I did it decades ago, so I guess it's a mixed bag. Anyway, just focus on your education. College coeds are at the top of the food chain and have a lot of options. 1
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