I think my girlfriend may be breaking up with me? I haven't heard from her in days.

[mrs rubble]

13 minutes ago, fly_five said:

by getting me to beg and try to get her back.

You got that from that message? Wow. She has no desire to have your selfish self back.

[fly_five]

4 minutes ago, mrs rubble said:

You got that from that message? Wow. She has no desire to have your selfish self back.

Yea by saying trying to call or show up to fix things like she had hoped.

[basil67]

She had hoped that you'd do this much earlier of your own volition.    When you didn't do anything, she decided that she was done with you and wrote the Dear John letter.

[fishlips]

I can't figure out if you are really this clueless or this poor girl is correct that you don't give a damn about her.

If you want her back, then you have no choice but to apologize profusely and hope she gives you another chance. I think you are better off letting her go, though. 

[preraph]

Well, even IF she wanted you back after that, she'd never convince her family and friends again that you were a good guy, so it's done.  

[fromheart]

Was it just the drive that stopped you from going?  And was she going to drive back with you?

[fly_five]

47 minutes ago, fromheart said:

Was it just the drive that stopped you from going?  And was she going to drive back with you?

yea, it was the drive and no she wouldn’t be driving back with me. She would be going down Christmas Eve night and then driving back Christmas night because she has work the next day.

[greymatter]

FF, is she correct - do you not love her? I think that is the core issue here, as brought out by her message that you shared. You've never told her you love her and there have been a number of instances where you could have said it, but you haven't. Your actions show that you don't. Is she right?

 

Do you love her?

Edited December 11, 2019 by greymatter

[NomiMalone]

No, DO NOT turn up at their doorstep on Christmas Day to try and fix things. It’s too late. Leave things be and let the girl go and find herself a man who can give her what she deserves in a relationship.

 

Take this experience as a valuable lesson for future relationships (and life in general). There’s some really good insights in this thread. Maybe take some time out from dating and spend some time learning about emotional intelligence and working on yourself. 

[d0nnivain]

On 12/10/2019 at 9:49 PM, enigma32 said:

I might catch some flack for this OP but I think that if you tried hard enough, you could get her back. 

 

I am betting that if you do show up one day, preferably with some flowers, and you work her living room like Jerry Maguire, you might have a shot.  

 

I agree that he could get her back but the flowers need to be delivery not in person & the sooner rather than later. I agree with whoever said don't show up on Christmas.  

 

However, given fly five's umbrage at her message, he's not willing to make the effort because he still doesn't see how hurtful & dismissive his unilateral breech of promise was.  

Edited December 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quotes

[fromheart]

14 hours ago, fly_five said:

yea, it was the drive and no she wouldn’t be driving back with me. She would be going down Christmas Eve night and then driving back Christmas night because she has work the next day.

Well I wouldn't expect a gf to spend 4 hours on Christmas day driving, so your feelings are understandable.  If she had made time to spend the evening of Christmas day with you, say driving back together and spending the evening together, would that have made a difference to you? 

[fromheart]

If I were in her position and wanted my gf to meet my family on Christmas so much, I would have driven her to and from the parents house or shared the driving.  If we couldn't sleep there, we'd leave together. 

If she wants to take the step for a committed relationship, that's usually what couples do.  Her expecting you to do all the driving and not spend private time just you and her, is a bit off and quite demanding on her part.

The comparisons with you and her exs suggests she is not really over her exs.

I would have done the same in your position, but not mentioned I'm going to my friends.

What I would reply in your position would be along the lines of;

'I did want to spend time with you and your family on Christmas, but having considered it 4 hours of driving on my holiday is a bit much for me.  If we'd planned to travel there and/or back together, and spend some alone time together then that would have been great.  This is usually how couples visit their family over Christmas.
If you'd like to work this out, let me know.  I'd love for us to be able to communicate in a loving, mature fashion over any issues we have.'

Then I'd advise give her overnight to respond after seeing the message (I usually give about 3 minutes).  If she doesn't respond, or is still unwilling to communicate in a loving fashion, then she'll probably never change.  She'll always be putting you in the proverbial doghouse every time there's a challenge.    

Declare yourself single and move on.  Reflect on your game, analyze any mistakes you may have made and what you would do differently next time. 

[Emmafive]

47 minutes ago, fromheart said:

If I were in her position and wanted my gf to meet my family on Christmas so much, I would have driven her to and from the parents house or shared the driving.  If we couldn't sleep there, we'd leave together. 

If she wants to take the step for a committed relationship, that's usually what couples do.  Her expecting you to do all the driving and not spend private time just you and her, is a bit off and quite demanding on her part.

The comparisons with you and her exs suggests she is not really over her exs.

I would have done the same in your position, but not mentioned I'm going to my friends.

What I would reply in your position would be along the lines of;

'I did want to spend time with you and your family on Christmas, but having considered it 4 hours of driving on my holiday is a bit much for me.  If we'd planned to travel there and/or back together, and spend some alone time together then that would have been great.  This is usually how couples visit their family over Christmas.
If you'd like to work this out, let me know.  I'd love for us to be able to communicate in a loving, mature fashion over any issues we have.'

Then I'd advise give her overnight to respond after seeing the message (I usually give about 3 minutes).  If she doesn't respond, or is still unwilling to communicate in a loving fashion, then she'll probably never change.  She'll always be putting you in the proverbial doghouse every time there's a challenge.    

Declare yourself single and move on.  Reflect on your game, analyze any mistakes you may have made and what you would do differently next time. 

You couldn’t be more wrong about the situation.

 

you sound like one of those PUA

Edited December 11, 2019 by Emmafive

[Ruby Slippers]

13 hours ago, enigma32 said:

I might catch some flack for this OP but I think that if you tried hard enough, you could get her back.

I agree he could get her back. But if he's not even willing to make the trifling effort to spend Christmas with her, what's the point? He's obviously not that into her, given that he sees this as such a burden.

 

I've had boyfriends drive 9 hours overnight, even fly halfway around the world, to see me. This guy can't even drive a few hours on a special day, or figure out a way to make it work - air mattress, hotel room, whatever? Give me a break.

[elaine567]

Truth is the OP got a  better offer. 
A "nightmare" day with the "in law" parents and no sex, versus a three day  break with his friend to do what he wanted to do in NY.
Of course he didn't want to "discuss it"  as it was a done deal.
There was no  way he wasn't going,  he was not open to any "persuasion", so he kept quiet till the last minute.
He thought he could get away with it, a pissed off gf yes. but she would have calmed down by the time he came back...

I guess he posted here to show her she was indeed "overreacting"...

[fly_five]

1 hour ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree he could get her back. But if he's not even willing to make the trifling effort to spend Christmas with her, what's the point? He's obviously not that into her, given that he sees this as such a burden.

 

I've had boyfriends drive 9 hours overnight, even fly halfway around the world, to see me. This guy can't even drive a few hours on a special day, or figure out a way to make it work - air mattress, hotel room, whatever? Give me a break.

How can I get her back if she’s blocked me?

[d0nnivain]

Just now, fly_five said:

How can I get her back if she’s blocked me?

 

 

Send her flowers & a written apology with a written plan to see her on Christmas as scheduled. 

If you aren't willing to show up, acknowledge that you were wrong & ki$$ her a$$ on Christmas don't bother.  

 

You can't get her back through a phone or computer.  Don't try.  

[Ruby Slippers]

^ But if you're not ready or able to fully step up and be a real man in this relationship, don't waste her time. 

 

If you don't truly love her - and it seems to me you don't - don't bother.

Edited December 11, 2019 by Ruby Slippers

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, fromheart said:

'I did want to spend time with you and your family on Christmas, but having considered it 4 hours of driving on my holiday is a bit much for me.  If we'd planned to travel there and/or back together, and spend some alone time together then that would have been great.  This is usually how couples visit their family over Christmas.
If you'd like to work this out, let me know.  I'd love for us to be able to communicate in a loving, mature fashion over any issues we have.'

Then I'd advise give her overnight to respond after seeing the message (I usually give about 3 minutes).  

 

The time for him to have said all that was before he chose to make other plans after agreeing to Christmas.  Holidays are a big deal & it was a big deal to this woman. 

 

Remember the OP originally railed that his GF overreacted. 

 

For him to draw some line in the sand now is obxious.  His selfishness & lack of consideration caused this.  If had talked to her instead of blowing her off then some negotiation & compromise on her part would be in order.  Now it's her way or the highway. 

 

You give people a whooping 3 minutes to respond to you?  Generous much?  That is absolutely absurd.  Adults have lives & jobs.  Most are not glued to their phones. 

[SunnySide0418]

Do you love her??

[Highndry]

Dude, you blew it.

[greymatter]

4 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

Do you love her??

I asked him that earlier in the thread and he completely ignored the question, which means he doesn’t. OP has she told you she loves you (and have you met that with silence)? What is the story here?

[SunnySide0418]

And how old are both of you?

[fly_five]

22 minutes ago, greymatter said:

I asked him that earlier in the thread and he completely ignored the question, which means he doesn’t. OP has she told you she loves you (and have you met that with silence)? What is the story here?

I do love her. I was the one who brought up marriage and kids. I was the one thinking of moving in together before her. Last week I made a post and tagged her in it that said love is just a word but she brings it definition. I wanted to her to see it when she landed but it had timed out before she saw it.

21 minutes ago, SunnySide0418 said:

And how old are both of you?

I’m 29. She’s my first girlfriend. First person to ever meet my parents. First actual relationship.

Edited December 11, 2019 by fly_five

[Piddy]

There's still time to fix this.  Call her and apologize profusely.  Admit you were an immature selfish a**h***.  Then tell her you'll be there for Christmas.  Maybe use your ignorant naivete as far her being your first girlfriend as an excuse.  But definitely take all the blame on this one.  If she tells you it's over, then learn from this and don't ever pull something like this again.  

Edited December 11, 2019 by Piddy