The Morning After

[Malin889]

28 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At this point I don't think there is anything here.  You two were never on the same page.  If you have now called 2x without a response from him & it's been 2 weeks, I think he's ghosting you.   

 

In the beginning if you have to ask for a kiss. . . things are not going well.  I don't understand why you didn't just kiss him if you wanted a kiss.  

 

FWIW I still think that as a grown adult if two people have not yet have sex, they have absolutely no business sharing a bed.  It is just inappropriate, confusing & makes you look like a tease.  I get that you don't share my views on the subject & you are free to conduct yourself anyway you like but I prefer clean bright lines.   

Also it wasn’t the “beginning” that I asked for a kiss... he kissed me several times on several occasions. He initiated The first kiss, and initiated the kissing and then some several times when we went out, he was all over it. I only initiated the kiss this time because I think he was afraid to because he wasn’t sure what I was thinking after what happened. 

[Art.at.Heart]

I obviously don't know the entirety of what's happening on your end but reading the thread it seems like you want to have sex now because you think not wanting to have sex before pushed him away. Add that to what seems like his ghosting you and I would just say to leave this one alone.

[stillafool]

You said you don't want to have sex until you are in a relationship.  Now you are saying you want to have sex with this guy but you are not in a relationship with him.  It sounds like you are willing to give into sex just to keep him around because he hasn't said anything about a relationship with you.  Your friends are telling you things to make you feel better but the truth is no guy goes missing when he wants you.  This one is barely lukewarm.  Standing you up for a booty call is proof of that.  You can have sex with this guy but I doubt it will catapult you into a relationship with him.  I agree with dONNivain, don't get in a man's bed if you don't want sex.  It makes you look like a tease.

Edited December 14, 2019 by stillafool

[smackie9]

How about inviting him over for a nightcap? Ya that's a little old fashioned lol. I'm sure "dessert" will work.

[Saracena]

1 hour ago, Malin889 said:

A few weeks ago he had plans with me, he stood me up and made a booty call date with someone else.

Eh? You mean he actually  told you this?

I suspect he's resumed things with her again. 

[Malin889]

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

Invest in some lingerie.  Maybe not for this picture but something soft & pretty is fun. It really sets a good mood.  

 

Wrapping yourself in a sheet or a bath towel could work too if you are open to smackie's suggestion.  Her approach will most likely get this guy in your bed. 

 

Can you bring him to the party?  If so I would say something along the lines of. . . Hey I'm headed to a party tonight.  I'd love to bring you with me.  Afterwards I thought we could come back here & pick up where we left off the other morning.  

I wanted to bring him to the party and was going to ask him days ago but I didn’t cause I didn’t hear from him. He may have plans already. I could try that, and say “let’s pick up where we left off”.

[Els]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You can have sex with this guy but I doubt it will catapult you into a relationship with him.

 

Pretty much this.

 

I mean, if you want to have  sex with him, then by all means have sex. You're fooling yourself if you think it will turn a lukewarm man into a LTR candidate, though.

[dramallama]

I was casually seeing a guy in summer and he told me he wanted to see me again, then never responded to my message saying when I was available until 2 weeks later - by which point I'd moved on.

 

He was a bit shocked to be turned down, but as far as I'm concerned if someone wants you in their life in any context (casual, serious, whatever) there needs to be some fairly regular contact. I had a f-buddy arrangement with a guy for a year and we spoke weekly, despite not seeing each other for months on one occasion!

 

I'd read this situation as a guy who wants casual but quite likes the girlfriend experience which is why it feels confusing. You acknowledge your communication is poor, so when he's saying 'are we on the same page' - ARE you? What is he actually saying his intentions are? He might be claim to be a one-woman kinda guy but if he stood you up to hook up with some random woman, he's not behaving like you're the one-woman for him.

 

If I were you, I'd cut your losses at this point. You are invested, he's not behaving like he is, and if you chase him he might succumb because it's easy, not because he really really wants you; and that just leads to a whole load of anxiety and insecurity.

[Malin889]

15 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Eh? You mean he actually  told you this?

I suspect he's resumed things with her again. 

No, me and my friend caught him, we went out that evening it happened after I didn’t hear from him and ran into him, completely coincidental. I still can’t believe it happened. It was very embarrassing. He said it was just a one time thing. But yes I was afraid since I didn’t hear from him he was perhaps resuming things with her since he was looking for that one thing and I wasn’t giving it to him.  I hope you are not right but who knows. That’s why I’m timid about getting in touch. 

[Saracena]

 

4 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

 It was very embarrassing. He said it was just a one time thing

 

What was a one time thing? Not clear who said it was a booty call. Him?

Malin-You've called twice. This guy knows your interested. Furthermore he knows you want and relationship and it sounds like he doesn't. Hence the ghosting. 

I definitely wouldn't contact him again. Even if he came grovelling back, (which I doubt) I wouldn't take him back. If you hadn't put your cards on the table, it might be a bit different, but you have.

Out of interest, how old are you both?

[Malin889]

46 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

How about inviting him over for a nightcap? Ya that's a little old fashioned lol. I'm sure "dessert" will work.

Thank you Smackie! I would love to ask him and open lines of communication again, but honestly everyone else in this post is making me feel terrible! I wish I never asked for advice. Now I’m not sure what to do.   I was feeling good about not contacting him for the last week, then I was feeling good about thinking about contacting him today, now I just feel awful like he’s off ****** some other woman. Can’t he just be busy like everyone else? Does he have to be off with some other woman?? Ugh. 

11 minutes ago, Saracena said:

 

 

What was a one time thing? Not clear who said it was a booty call. Him?

Malin-You've called twice. This guy knows your interested. Furthermore he knows you want and relationship and it sounds like he doesn't. Hence the ghosting. 

I definitely wouldn't contact him again. Even if he came grovelling back, (which I doubt) I wouldn't take him back. If you hadn't put your cards on the table, it might be a bit different, but you have.

Out of interest, how old are you both?

I contacted him only once. I guess I just assumed it was a booty call because when we saw him it was so late at night and he was meeting her after this party he went to. And then when he called me to apologize, I asked if he was seeing her or anyone else and he said no and that he just wanted to see me again. He also said he’s not sure why he did that, there’s no answer for why he did that and that he’s not that kind of guy and he can’t believe he did that to me. We are older, him mid 30s, myself 40. Too old for dealing with this stuff! 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Malin889

[Malin889]

30 minutes ago, dramallama said:

I was casually seeing a guy in summer and he told me he wanted to see me again, then never responded to my message saying when I was available until 2 weeks later - by which point I'd moved on.

 

He was a bit shocked to be turned down, but as far as I'm concerned if someone wants you in their life in any context (casual, serious, whatever) there needs to be some fairly regular contact. I had a f-buddy arrangement with a guy for a year and we spoke weekly, despite not seeing each other for months on one occasion!

 

I'd read this situation as a guy who wants casual but quite likes the girlfriend experience which is why it feels confusing. You acknowledge your communication is poor, so when he's saying 'are we on the same page' - ARE you? What is he actually saying his intentions are? He might be claim to be a one-woman kinda guy but if he stood you up to hook up with some random woman, he's not behaving like you're the one-woman for him.

 

If I were you, I'd cut your losses at this point. You are invested, he's not behaving like he is, and if you chase him he might succumb because it's easy, not because he really really wants you; and that just leads to a whole load of anxiety and insecurity.

You’re probably right. I’m trying to get myself Un-invested. I don’t want to chase him and I haven’t been chasing him. My friend who knows him said she thinks he’s selfish and that his wife had to chase him and she said his alcoholic/destructive rebound ex girlfriend used to beg to get back with him as well. So maybe this is a pattern for him? He ghosts people to see how badly they want him??   I’d rather be the upstanding woman who is not begging/chasing/etc. Yes I may not be the most aggressive but at least I still have my dignity. 

20 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Furthermore he knows you want and relationship and it sounds like he doesn’t.

Yeah I’m not sure if he’s ready to get into a relationship with a nice girl. 

40 minutes ago, dramallama said:

I'd read this situation as a guy who wants casual but quite likes the girlfriend experience which is why it feels confusing. You acknowledge your communication is poor, so when he's saying 'are we on the same page' - ARE you? What is he actually saying his intentions are? He might be claim to be a one-woman kinda guy but if he stood you up to hook up with some random woman, he's not behaving like you're the one-woman for him.

 

When he called to apologize he went on and on saying how he can’t believe he did that to me and is kicking himself that he did that to me, and we talked about going out again, which we did, but didn’t quite make either of our intentions clear. His actions of late definitely say something different than his words. 

I suppose I just assumed since he talked about ”not being that type of guy” and apologizing to me we were on the track to a relationship but I guess I was wrong. 

[stillafool]

Never assume anything.  You have to ask questions to get clarity.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

I think you should just move on. 

There is no point in trying to have sex with a man who hasn't answered your call for 2 weeks  You don't have a relationship, you have a man whom you haven't heard from for 2 weeks.

Exactly.
This man is NOT interested in the OP.
He was never that interested.

[Malin889]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Never assume anything.  You have to ask questions to get clarity.

Well obviously I know that now. Or rather, I “assume” that we are not on our way to that now, since he hasn’t been in contact. I’m hoping it’s OK to assume that at least, because now after reading everyone’s comments I just feel like I would be a fool (no pun intended) to get in touch to get any kind of clarification at this point. 

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Exactly.
This man is NOT interested in the OP.
He was never that interested.

Elaine, while I do appreciate everyone’s comments, I do find your opinion to be a little harsh. He was actually chasing me for the first month we were together and we went out several times based on him initiating. You don’t know me or him and I don’t appreciate the harshness or tone of your posting. But I do appreciate your contribution. 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

He was actually chasing me for the first month we were together and we went out several times based on him initiating. 

OK, but a soon as he stood you up for a booty call, was the minute you walk away.
Nothing that has happened since then indicates interest, you can't force people to want you. 

 

45 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

 My friend who knows him said she thinks he’s selfish and that his wife had to chase him and she said his alcoholic/destructive rebound ex girlfriend used to beg to get back with him as well. So maybe this is a pattern for him? He ghosts people to see how badly they want him?? 

Oh dear...
This is the type of guy you run far away from...

[Lotsgoingon]

You're misunderstanding your agency here, your power, to attract him. 

 

Sex never makes someone like you more. Sex can bring someone around (for sex) more frequently. But after sex and before sex, you have to like the person if you want a relationship.

 

If you want to try out more casual, non-committed sex do it with someone who is more consistent and more consistently in touch than this guy. This situation will only result in heartbreak. Often the sex itself in situations like this would be disappointing and alienating and empty. 

 

Move on. 

 

 

[preraph]

Really, you shouldn't be sleeping in bed and cuddling guys you've never had sex with.  Do you know how frustrating that is for him?  I mean, every time you stay together, it's another sex rejection!  And here you are whining about a morning kiss rejection.  He must be rolling his eyes at the hypocracy. 

[Malin889]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK, but a soon as he stood you up for a booty call, was the minute you walk away.
Nothing that has happened since then indicates interest, you can't force people to want you. 

 

I agree, which is why after that happened I did not reach out to him and did walk away, and only gave him another chance when he came crawling back. But I agree, it’s been lukewarm since and there’s a huge part of me that does not want to get in touch because I feel unappreciated and disrespected. I guess there was the small part of me that thought it was my fault (for not initiating enough, etc— because he claimed I didn’t initiate enough) which is what made me want to reach out. But I need to stop beating myself up and realize this was all his doing— he created the drama where there was none, and I can’t control the behavior of others. 

5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

You're misunderstanding your agency here, your power, to attract him. 

 

Sex never makes someone like you more. Sex can bring someone around (for sex) more frequently. But after sex and before sex, you have to like the person if you want a relationship.

 

If you want to try out more casual, non-committed sex do it with someone who is more consistent and more consistently in touch than this guy. This situation will only result in heartbreak. Often the sex itself in situations like this would be disappointing and alienating and empty. 

 

Move on. 

 

 

Well we had a nice thing going for a little while, but now it’s over. 

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Really, you shouldn't be sleeping in bed and cuddling guys you've never had sex with.  Do you know how frustrating that is for him?  I mean, every time you stay together, it's another sex rejection!  And here you are whining about a morning kiss rejection.  He must be rolling his eyes at the hypocracy. 

Honestly as a woman I didn’t realize this. I do now. But it wasn’t planned and I can’t take it back. I wish it was different but I’m not sure if there’s a way to fix it. I would take Donnavains suggestion and say “can we pick up where we left off” but It is probably too late to go there at this point. 

[Inspire]

So you two have been seeing each other for several months and never once bothered to talk about where all of this is going?  Granted, if he hadn't initiated that conversation then it's in your best interest to either say something or just move on.

Sleeping with him at this point would just be silly and make you look desperate but I agree with the other posters. Sharing a bed with a man you're not going to sleep with can create frustration or send mixed signals.



 

[Malin889]

9 minutes ago, preraph said:

Really, you shouldn't be sleeping in bed and cuddling guys you've never had sex with.  Do you know how frustrating that is for him?  I mean, every time you stay together, it's another sex rejection!  And here you are whining about a morning kiss rejection.  He must be rolling his eyes at the hypocracy. 

 
And we only slept together once. And it was that time of the month. I don’t know why everyone didn’t read that lol.

[preraph]

And look what happened.  

[Malin889]

6 minutes ago, Inspire said:

So you two have been seeing each other for several months and never once bothered to talk about where all of this is going?  Granted, if he hadn't initiated that conversation then it's in your best interest to either say something or just move on.

Sleeping with him at this point would just be silly and make you look desperate but I agree with the other posters. Sharing a bed with a man you're not going to sleep with can create frustration or send mixed signals.



 

No, it hasn’t been several months— it’s been since early October, and then we had a couple wks we didn’t see each other between then Because of schedules with our kids. Jeez!  And yes I want to sleep with him — it was 1 NIGHT sleeping at his house and I had my period. 

6 minutes ago, preraph said:

And look what happened.  

Sorry, what is this in response too?

[dramallama]

Malin do you think you're someone who plays 'cool girl' when you're not really? It's not a criticism, I do it for sure. I'm 3 1/2 months into a thing and we haven't talked intentions since the first date(!) and so even though he texts me multiple times a day every single day I still get the odd anxious day. I'm trying to use my voice a bit more and not play cool if I don't feel cool.

 

There's another forum I visit where everyone is convinced that men know at about 3-4 months if they want a relationship with a woman and can back off then - if you've not managed to get that far without him dropping off the radar for a fortnight it's not looking good.

 

I'm still curious about the 'are we on the same page' stuff - was he saying he wanted a relationship, exclusivity, or was he totally unclear about what that page was? I have a horrible feeling that his page is casual and yours is not.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Malin889 said:

 
And we only slept together once. And it was that time of the month. I don’t know why everyone didn’t read that lol.

It doesn't matter what time of month it was.  If you don't want to have sex stay out of a man's bed.  Lucky for you he was respectful, some men would automatically 

take you crawling into their beds as an invitation to have sex no matter how many times you say NO.  Don't put yourself or them in that position.  I agree with Inspire that to try to have sex with him not would be silly and obvious you are only doing it to try to get more attention from him.  You will get the sex but not more of his attention.  He will still see the other girls.

Edited December 14, 2019 by stillafool