The Morning After

[Malin889]

I had a great date with the guy I'm seeing the other night. I ended up staying over his house for the first time (we did not have sex; we have not done that yet, I want to but I want to wait until we are officially in a relationship first.) I was tired and we ended up falling asleep, it was actually really nice to fall asleep together. The next morning, we cuddled a little bit, and kissed briefly but didn't make out too much. He said he's not really a morning person and doesn't usually do that in the morning. He just likes giving a quick morning peck. We have never seen each other in the morning, so far it's been after work/evening dates.

 

Of course, I take it personally that he didn’t want to kiss me...But, should I? We kissed and then some alot the night before. We weren't drunk, we both drank maybe 2 drinks, if that. When I asked him why he didn't want to kiss in the morning, he said, "I told you I'm not a morning person and you keep going in circles with this." (I was making a big deal of it.) He then walked me to my car when I had to go, and I joked I was going to come back after work that night to see if he would kiss me. I said "I'm not joking" and he said "I know you're not." (We were laughing about it.)

 

I didn't end up going back there because it was snowing horribly on my way home, plus I thought it would be weird. But anyway, is this normal that guys won't kiss in the morning? I haven't been with someone in awhile, but when I used to be more “active,” I felt like kissing/etc happened quite often in the morning with people I was with.

 

Or is it something else?

 

Also, our kisses suddenly seemed, while still great, were more "gentler" the other night than before. (Not that that's a bad thing.) It's only been a couple months. The first few dates he kissed more aggressively (but still great and passionately), but the other night, it was more gentler. I feel like it's a good sign, but I question everything which is not good! My friend says perhaps he's really starting to care about me? I don't know, I guess because of the morning and him "not being a morning person" I feel weird. Am I making a big deal of this?

 

We had a couple of intimate moments the night before, we kissed a lot and it was very sweet. I don't know if he was freaked out because perhaps we're getting closer, or if I'm just taking it all too personally.

 

We haven't spoken since (It's been 2 days.) Eek! I guess if we spoke since Sunday I'd be ok with everything, but because we haven't, I'm worried.

 

He said we'd go out mid week but because we haven't made plans yet I'm a little worried. Help! We’re in a good but weird place before a relationship where we are “almost there” but not quite. What should I do?

[Happy Lemming]

It is possible he is pissed off that he didn't have sex with you. You spent the night but said "no" (to sex) and shut him down. He might have been laughing about it (next morning) to "save face", but I can tell you that he was pissed.

 

Personally, I've never spent the night with a new girlfriend and NOT had sex.

 

Just a working theory... I could be wrong. I guess we'll find out after the outage.

 

Best of luck.

Edited December 4, 2019 by Happy Lemming

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Damn, you got homie waiting MONTHS?

 

Bruh, get on with it, lmao

[Scarlett.O'hara]

1) Morning breath kills the mood.

 

2) Men typically wake up aroused. What do you think kissing is going to do? Answer: Make him sexually frustrated because he knows it isn't going to go anywhere. Can you see how that would be hugely frustrating for him?

 

By all means, don't have sex until you are in a relationship if that's important to you, but don't go spending the night either. You may think it's sweet and a way to bond with him, but it is likely having a totally different effect on him, and not in a good way.

 

If it's hard to see things from his perspective, look at it this way. If you were ready to have sex, let him stay the night and tried to get him in the mood, and he wasn't interested, how would you feel? Unattractive, undesired, disappointed, or confused? That's the closest comparison I can think of. It's a hit to the ego.

 

You have been seeing each other for a while now, perhaps it's time to have an open conversation about what you're doing and what you want from each other?

[ajequals]

I admit. I want to brush my teeth first. as far as waiting to have sex I waited 6 months for my first girlfriend when we were a couple. when we feel it's worth it we will wait. been my wife most of my life

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I admit. I want to brush my teeth first. as far as waiting to have sex I waited 6 months for my first girlfriend when we were a couple. when we feel it's worth it we will wait. been my wife most of my life

 

When were you waiting 6 months? How long ago?

[Happy Lemming]

Damn, you got homie waiting MONTHS?

 

A couple of months is way too long... I'm betting he is bailing on her.

 

I've been dating women for 38 years, six weeks is my "drop" timeline. I've dated A LOT of women and only had to invoke my six week "drop", once.

 

Your boyfriend thought he had crossed the finish line and was finally going to have sex and you shut him down; yes... he is DONE (in my opinion)!

[salparadise]

Yea, I agree. Upside down, inside out. No sex after two months, and you wonder why he doesn't want to get all revved up in the morning? You deny-deny-deny his physical-emotional-sexual needs despite him having been patient for months, and then you expect him to engage in titillations, and concoct theories as to why he is not thrilled?

 

If I were him, I'd be thinking it's time to cut my losses and find someone who isn't so puritanical. I'd surmise that this is your MO, the way it's going to be, and even after it happens once or twice you'd still want to keep me on a starvation diet. Women tend to fall into one of two modes sexually: free-flowing, expressive, excitable, uninhibited, joyful, or reticent, controlling, limited, guilt/shame oriented. I've dated both, and guess which I do not care to date again?

 

Your boyfriend needs a woman-woman, and you need a monk, a choir boy or a eunuch. I know it takes all kinds to make a world, but certain types are better off flocking together.

 

I remember a woman once telling me about what a good, honorable person she is... that she had been married for a few decades, and that she and he husband only had sex for purposes of procreation. They had two children. I thought... damn, what a lucky guy!

Edited December 4, 2019 by salparadise

[Malin889]

I admit. I want to brush my teeth first. as far as waiting to have sex I waited 6 months for my first girlfriend when we were a couple. when we feel it's worth it we will wait. been my wife most of my life

 

I did brush my teeth and used his breath freshener as well. But yes that could still be it.

[Legatus]

It might not be about your breath. I used to be way too self-conscious about my morning breath. Now I'm not but I always check if somebody is comfortable kissing in the morning and if they're not, I stop.

 

Also Scarlett O'Hara touched on the second point. Guys very often wake up with an erection, it's just biology, though sometimes frustrating. Despite just waking up and not everybody being into it, some intense kissing can get all the blood boiling. I agree he could be trying to avoid frustration. It actually hurts, physically

[d0nnivain]

Here's a thought:  don't get into bed with people you are not having sex with.  Don't be a tease.  

 

He's not a morning person.  He didn't want to get revved up to be shot down again.  

 

Stop trying to read the tea leaves.  You slept in the man's bed, in the man's arms.  Call him.  Don't sit on your hands trying to figure out what he's thinking.  Talk to him. 

[carhill]

Hopefully the OP will return and update.... my question is what they consider an 'official relationship'? Sounds like they're dating regularly and sleeping together regularly without sex.

I'll echo the suggestion to discuss the kissing thing, and the official relationship thing, outside the bedroom, preferably in person, or at least on the phone. Take the initiative.

[Malin889]

Thank you everyone for your comments. I tried to answer last week but the site was in read-only mode, and I didn’t realize it was back up until yesterday. Sorry for the long post, I didn’t want to leave anything out.

So I wasn’t being a tease… I didn’t want to mention before, but it was that time of the month (I was trying to not give TMI). And, honestly, I felt like that was good timing, because, first off, we hadn’t seen each other in a couple weeks. A few weeks ago he had plans with me, he stood me up and made a booty call date with someone else. We never talked about being exclusive, and him making another date isn’t a big deal, it was the fact that he stood me up that was so insulting and disrespectful.

Then - He called me up after and explained how sorry he was. He had no idea why he did that. We talked about how we felt, he said he felt terrible because he didn’t know what I was looking for, he thought I was looking for something casual because I acted cool and didn’t initiate much. Then went on to say how he loved hearing my voice, much he liked me, I forgave him after a lot of groveling, and we decided to go out again.

So going back to the other night... The other night was not supposed to be us hooking up. We were at his house talking, I asked him if he was going to kiss me because it had been awhile and I really wanted to. He said “oh, ok, I thought you just wanted to hang out” because he thought I was still upset, but then he went ahead and kissed me.

I think it being that time of the month was good timing, because I didn’t want to have s** with him for the first time after what had happened with him standing me up, and I wanted to make sure that we were on the same page before we moved forward. Sleeping over was not planned at all. I don’t want to feel bad or pressure for not having s** him yet.

I told him that I wanted to be in a relationship before having s** with someone and he understood.

Present time - I haven't hear from him. I called him last Thursday. He did not pick up, I left a nice message saying “hope you’re doing well, wanted to see if you wanted to catch dinner tonight, would love to see you again.”

No response.

I talked to my friend who I met him through and she said “maybe he’s actually starting to care about someone other than himself”, so he got a little freaked out at us getting closer.  And my other friend who knows him said he’s probably trying to take it slow because "everything else he’s been in has crashed and burned quickly.” Ok I understand that, but I feel like he should have reached out, to say ANYTHING, AT ALL. Even if he couldn’t see me. 

But now, it’s been almost two weeks… I don’t want to contact him because I feel he should contact me.

But – I really would love to talk to him again and clear the air and actually talk about things and start over because I feel like we have a good connection, our communication just stinks.

And I would really like to have s** with him. Now! But I feel like we keep taking one step forward, two steps back. We both have a past and have been through bad relationships. Now I’m ready to get into a new relationship. I’m not sure if he is, as he’s had a couple of bad relationships, including a long marriage that ended in infidelity and after he had a rebound alcoholic/destructive girlfriend. So we’ve both been through a lot.

But I’d like to try. But I don’t want to chase him. 

I ended up going out on a date last night, I went on a dating app earlier this week because I hadn’t heard from him and I figured I should move on, because I thought maybe he was moving on when I didn’t hear from him. The date was terrible. The guy ended up still being married (he claims the divorce wasn’t final yet). What the heck???

I know he did something sh*****, but people make mistakes, and I was trying to forgive him. But if he didn’t call me back, so what now? I’d love to reconnect and make things better but I’m afraid to get in touch again in case he doesn’t want to see me.

I may text to say I miss chatting with you (cause he said on multiple occasions how he loved our chats). What do you all think? I just want to be honest and open but I don’t want to say too much over the initial text.

I’m open to all judgment. And I'm not a prude, I was just taking things slow, lol!

On 12/9/2019 at 9:59 AM, carhill said:

Hopefully the OP will return and update.... my question is what they consider an 'official relationship'? Sounds like they're dating regularly and sleeping together regularly without sex.

I'll echo the suggestion to discuss the kissing thing, and the official relationship thing, outside the bedroom, preferably in person, or at least on the phone. Take the initiative.

Hi carhill, yes I want to discuss this with him. We had gone on several dates (6-7) and were talking regularly until something happened a couple weeks ago— I put it in my post just before this one— but that was the first time I stayed over. I want to discuss this with him but I haven’t heard from him. I was considering texting this morning something light and fun “hope your having a great day, miss chatting with you” or something— I really want to open lines of communication because I’m not sure if he knows how. I know that sounds weird but his dating experience isn’t very good. Let me know what you think. 

On 12/9/2019 at 9:48 AM, d0nnivain said:

Here's a thought:  don't get into bed with people you are not having sex with.  Don't be a tease.  

 

He's not a morning person.  He didn't want to get revved up to be shot down again.  

 

Stop trying to read the tea leaves.  You slept in the man's bed, in the man's arms.  Call him.  Don't sit on your hands trying to figure out what he's thinking.  Talk to him. 

Ok I will text him this morning to open up lines of communication and see what happens. If I say “I miss our chats” or something is that weird? I feel like, even if he feels weird about us getting closer/more intimate, it’s now been almost two weeks so it’s about time someone say something. 

Edited December 14, 2019 by Malin889

[Malin889]

On 12/4/2019 at 6:42 AM, Legatus said:

It might not be about your breath. I used to be way too self-conscious about my morning breath. Now I'm not but I always check if somebody is comfortable kissing in the morning and if they're not, I stop.

 

Also Scarlett O'Hara touched on the second point. Guys very often wake up with an erection, it's just biology, though sometimes frustrating. Despite just waking up and not everybody being into it, some intense kissing can get all the blood boiling. I agree he could be trying to avoid frustration. It actually hurts, physically

Thanks, that’s really good insight! 

On 12/4/2019 at 12:41 AM, Scarlett.O'hara said:

1) Morning breath kills the mood.

 

2) Men typically wake up aroused. What do you think kissing is going to do? Answer: Make him sexually frustrated because he knows it isn't going to go anywhere. Can you see how that would be hugely frustrating for him?

 

By all means, don't have sex until you are in a relationship if that's important to you, but don't go spending the night either. You may think it's sweet and a way to bond with him, but it is likely having a totally different effect on him, and not in a good way.

 

If it's hard to see things from his perspective, look at it this way. If you were ready to have sex, let him stay the night and tried to get him in the mood, and he wasn't interested, how would you feel? Unattractive, undesired, disappointed, or confused? That's the closest comparison I can think of. It's a hit to the ego.

 

You have been seeing each other for a while now, perhaps it's time to have an open conversation about what you're doing and what you want from each other?

Yes I want to have the conversation. I wish he would reach out. But I suppose I will since he’s not. 

[elaine567]

Please take the hint, he is NOT interested in you.
He stood you up to go on a booty call with some other girl...!!!
He thought sex was on the cards when you stayed over but it wasn't.
Now he is blanking you.
Have some self respect.

[Malin889]

On 12/9/2019 at 9:48 AM, d0nnivain said:

Here's a thought:  don't get into bed with people you are not having sex with.  Don't be a tease.  

 

He's not a morning person.  He didn't want to get revved up to be shot down again.  

 

Stop trying to read the tea leaves.  You slept in the man's bed, in the man's arms.  Call him.  Don't sit on your hands trying to figure out what he's thinking.  Talk to him. 

And you're right, I was in his arms, and it's just so confusing that when we chatted a couple weeks ago after his indiscretion (I call it that), we talked about how he didn't know how I felt and he told me how he felt and how he's a one woman man and everything and wanted to go out again. But then after this night, he didn't reach out. It's just so confusing. 

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Please take the hint, he is NOT interested in you.
He stood you up to go on a booty call with some other girl...!!!
He thought sex was on the cards when you stayed over but it wasn't.
Now he is blanking you.
Have some self respect.

Well Elaine567, that’s the hint that I’ve already taken, but everyone is telling me to reach out to him, so I’m trying to get their opinions, giving them the whole story. I appreciate your honest opinion. Thanks for being so kind. 

[smackie9]

I know what will fix this.....have sex!

[Malin889]

3 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

I know what will fix this.....have sex!

Agree! I really want to reach out to him. I’m so ready. What should I say?  Be honest. 

[d0nnivain]

At this point I don't think there is anything here.  You two were never on the same page.  If you have now called 2x without a response from him & it's been 2 weeks, I think he's ghosting you.   

 

In the beginning if you have to ask for a kiss. . . things are not going well.  I don't understand why you didn't just kiss him if you wanted a kiss.  

 

FWIW I still think that as a grown adult if two people have not yet have sex, they have absolutely no business sharing a bed.  It is just inappropriate, confusing & makes you look like a tease.  I get that you don't share my views on the subject & you are free to conduct yourself anyway you like but I prefer clean bright lines.   

[smackie9]

1 minute ago, Malin889 said:

Agree! I really want to reach out to him. I’m so ready. What should I say?  Be honest. 

Send him a tasteful photo of you in lingerie and say dinner AND desert at my place?

[elaine567]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

I know what will fix this.....have sex!

She doesn't want to have sex with some guy who does not want to have a relationship with her, having sex with him will just make her feel used when he still doesn't pick up afterwards... which is what I predict will happen, she is too invested to have NSA sex.
He has every right to walk away if he is not feeling it for whatever reason.
Hounding him is a bad idea..  He has had ample opportunity to keep in touch  but he has CHOSEN not to.

[smackie9]

3 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She doesn't want to have sex with some guy who does not want to have a relationship with her, having sex with him will just make her feel used when he still doesn't pick up afterwards... which is what I predict will happen, she is too invested to have NSA sex.
He has every right to walk away if he is not feeling it for whatever reason.
Hounding him is a bad idea..  He has had ample opportunity to keep in touch  but he has CHOSEN not to.

 

9 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Agree! I really want to reach out to him. I’m so ready. What should I say?  Be honest. 

She just posted this^^^^^ elaine.

[Malin889]

8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At this point I don't think there is anything here.  You two were never on the same page.  If you have now called 2x without a response from him & it's been 2 weeks, I think he's ghosting you.   

 

In the beginning if you have to ask for a kiss. . . things are not going well.  I don't understand why you didn't just kiss him if you wanted a kiss.  

 

FWIW I still think that as a grown adult if two people have not yet have sex, they have absolutely no business sharing a bed.  It is just inappropriate, confusing & makes you look like a tease.  I get that you don't share my views on the subject & you are free to conduct yourself anyway you like but I prefer clean bright lines.   

I only reached out 1 time. I understand what you are saying. I want to have sex with him  and probably would have by now if we had gotten together in the last couple weeks. When we talked a couple of weeks ago we were on the same page (he actually said to me, “ok we are on the same page”) and said how we wanted to see each other again. I want things to be clean and bright as well.  

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

She doesn't want to have sex with some guy who does not want to have a relationship with her, having sex with him will just make her feel used when he still doesn't pick up afterwards... which is what I predict will happen, she is too invested to have NSA sex.
He has every right to walk away if he is not feeling it for whatever reason.
Hounding him is a bad idea..  He has had ample opportunity to keep in touch  but he has CHOSEN not to.

I haven’t been “hounding” him but I appreciate your opinion. 

14 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Send him a tasteful photo of you in lingerie and say dinner AND desert at my place?

Oh boy! I‘m not very good at this. don’t really have lingerie... I’m going to a party later tonight. Can I say dessert at my place? I can’t just say I miss chatting? I have to imply that there will be s**? How do I do that without the lingerie picture?

[d0nnivain]

Quote

9 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Oh boy! I‘m not very good at this. don’t really have lingerie... I’m going to a party later tonight. Can I say dessert at my place? I can’t just say I miss chatting? I have to imply that there will be s**? How do I do that without the lingerie picture?

 

 

Invest in some lingerie.  Maybe not for this picture but something soft & pretty is fun. It really sets a good mood.  

 

Wrapping yourself in a sheet or a bath towel could work too if you are open to smackie's suggestion.  Her approach will most likely get this guy in your bed. 

 

Can you bring him to the party?  If so I would say something along the lines of. . . Hey I'm headed to a party tonight.  I'd love to bring you with me.  Afterwards I thought we could come back here & pick up where we left off the other morning.  

[Els]

I think you should just move on. Regardless of what the reason was, this bridge seems to be mostly burnt now, there's no point in trying to go back.

 

There is no point in trying to have sex with a man who hasn't answered your call for 2 weeks IMO, ESPECIALLY if you only want to have sex in relationships. You don't have a relationship, you have a man whom you haven't heard from for 2 weeks.