We built a beautiful home and life together, but I feel betrayed, insecure, and unappreciated

[Prettylittlefool]

I am in a very dark time. My boyfriend of 5 years was going to propose to me in April. However, when the light of this proposal came to news in our close knit indian community of friends/ acquaintances, there were rumors going around about him sexting other girls-multiple times throughout our relationship. He “came clean” and expressed that he loves me and “got” serious when he bought the ring.

 

After some thought, I decided to give him a chance. In the last 6 months we started Therapy, went on our first trip (preplanned), and I moved in with him. Fast forward to November, more information was spreading about his infidelity. He then came clean about cheating that goes beyond sexting (actually going to another girls apartment in the middle of the night and kissing many others behind my back).

 

And today I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to further clean this up. I moved out and am living with my parents for some time. He says he hasn’t done anything since he bought the ring. He says that he left out the details before because he couldn’t “stab” me in the heart.

 

We built a beautiful home and life together. But I feel betrayed, insecure, and unappreciated. I’m having second guesses on leaving because he hasn’t “done anything” since he got “serious”.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

 

Thanks,

always indecisive

[d0nnivain]

You were together for 5 years but he only stopped cheating on you approximately 5 months ago & you got trickle truth about the extent of the cheating. Oh dear.

 

I wouldn't trust him.

 

One slip up -- like he kissed a girl at a party 4 years ago while drunk -- I could probably forgive but this guy was actively auditioning your replacement throughout your entire relationship.

[schlumpy]

He won't stop. He has a different viewpoint on sex then you do. He sees it as a recreational activity and as long as he giving you what you need why should you complain.

 

If you marry him make sure you have a good supply of Xanax because you are going to need it.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS, unfortunately after tonight replies will be delayed while the site transits to new software. However, some questions...

How old are you and your boyfriend?

Did he actually propose and offer you the ring he bought along the way when dealing with this stuff? If yes, did you accept or decline? I was unclear on that part.

It's interesting that he was apparently outed by the community once and went back to the well with full knowledge that they'd likely out him again. In retrospect did you see any clues absent the 'rumors'?

You say you 'moved out' and are living with your parents. Do you have a financial interest in the home you lived in? If rented, responsible for rent?

 

 

 

Most likely, this will be tuition at relationship university and you'll move on to another, hopefully more faithful, man. If choosing to remain in this, tough, IDK, probably individual therapy for him on his repeated lying to a committed partner would be the first step while remaining separated. If he can lie like that, lying is a lifestyle for him IMO. Best wishes in your decision.

[Mrin]

Dude here I'm sorry but no. Just no. You didn't build a life together. You built a lie. Pure and simple. Move on. He's not good husband material.

[ExpatInItaly]

No way would I continue dating him, let alone marry him.

 

He’s not the man you thought he was and there’s almost surely more you don’t know about the extent of his cheating. This is not the person to build a life with.

 

Im sorry but I would be permanently done with him.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

Yeah, if everyone knows before you do, there are more people lacking respect for you than just your man.

[snowboy91]

Call me jaded, but neither a ring nor a ceremony changes anything about the dynamics of your relationship.

From your post he came clean twice, adding detail. I wouldn't be surprised if there's yet more detail he's not including - which brings into serious doubt whether you can trust him in future. Don't put yourself through that.

[Watercolors]

Are you familiar with that phrase, "a leopard never changes its spots" because you wasted 5 years with a leopard who has very different values than you do, where relationships are concerned. 

 

Your boyfriend doesn't believe in monogamy. And he told you this fact: twice. Unfortunately, you can't change your boyfriend's behavior because it's rooted in his character. For 5 years he's cheated on you with other women. Just because he stops temporarily, doesn't mean he won't start-up again. When you've shown him that you're willing to put his needs before your own. 

 

Like Mrin observed, you didn't build a life together -- you built a lie together. The upside is that this was only 5 years, not 20 or 30 years of your life wasted with a cheater. Time to extract yourself from this guy. The ENTIRE community you live in knew he was a cheater too, so what does that tell you about those people? 

[usa1ah]

Sorry you are going through this. 
 

Glad you have found out before the wedding. 
 

How could he love you while cheating On you your entire relationship. 

[smackie9]

I would say your life together was built on lies. He dishonored you, your relationship and your family. He hasn't a thread of integrity, or respect. He is not man enough to be a loyal husband. The ring means nothing, so give it back, and kick him to the curb.

Edited December 18, 2019 by smackie9

[kendahke]

On 12/3/2019 at 8:04 PM, Prettylittlefool said:

He says that he left out the details before because he couldn’t “stab” me in the heart.

 

 

Interesting---details of what he did would have been "stabs to your heart", but the act of OK-ing himself to do it in the first place is what? No more than flatulence?  You do know he's admitting to lying by omission, right?  You like being with a bald faced liar?

 

And just because he says he stopped 5 months ago, that's supposed to just erase what he did of his own free will and volition for the previous 4 years and 7 months?

[Lost33]

I wouldn't marry him. The beginning of the relationship is supposed to be exciting, new, and learning about each other. If he didn't get consumed in 100% interest in you the first few years, I don't really see him keeping the focus on you down the road.

[Kaarek]

I am sorry you have to go through this but as many others stated above, the best thing to do is to move on and find a man that respects you, forgiving him is like slapping your own face.

Best Regards