unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 I met somebody online and I really wanted to meet up with him based on what he said on his profile. He said he's ready for a serious relationship, wants to be there emotionally for somebody and be respectful, etc. so that really hooked me in and he's cute but looks like a pretty boy. I don't usually date those types but I liked what he said on his profile so I wanted to give him a chance. He initially wanted to meet for drinks but I wanted to meet for coffee on a Sunday and football was going on. The coffee shop was packed so we went to a sports bar. I'm not into football but he obviously was but I didn't mind that because I have dated a lot of people who were into football and it has never bothered me. Well, during the date and after, a few red flags came up: -he showed up 30min late to the date. He blamed it on a rainy day with traffic. I was a few minutes late too but even without traffic, he would have been 15 minutes late. -he was ranting a lot about social media and how people these days seem close-minded and judgmental of people. We're the same age but he sounded like a bitter 50 y/o man. He blamed that on his pre-workout that has caffeine in it and it got him ramped up. He was aware that he shouldn't have ranted and said he could be laidback too -he wanted a second date and said we should watch football even though he knows I don't like it. I said no, so he asked what do I want to do, and I said ice skating but he looked reluctant so we agreed on a movie but he's already seen everything -he wanted to talk on the phone to plan our next date and said he'd call in an hour. I was busy and I didn't know where I was going to be in an hour so I didn't say anything until an hour later but he didn't call. Maybe because I didn't say okay and he was at work, something else came up and he got busy at that time but he didn't tell me that. Showing up 30 minutes late to a first date is a huge red flag for me but it seemed like it might not have been the best day to meet because he almost changed the time to see his family and it seemed like he was still trying to figure his schedule out and football was playing. Maybe Sundays for a first date isn't a great idea but we wanted to meet before the next weekend. I don't want to keep making excuses for him but I'd like to meet him for a second date to see what happens. I'm only sticking around because it seems like he's trying based on what he wrote on his profile but it seems like he's oblivious to some dating etiquette. I think I should talk to him about showing up or calling when he said he would or let me know if he can't. I know people try to sound their best on their profiles but he wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it, right? Does he have hope? I guess we'll see after the second date.
dramallama Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Did you like him? Enjoy his company? You talk a lot about what was wrong, and that you liked what he'd written on his profile, but just because he wants a relationship with someone, doesn't mean that he's a good fit for you and vice versa - or that he was even telling the truth! I wouldn't be calling him out on anything after one date personally, but I'd be observing for deal breakers and making my own assessment. You haven't said anything about him that explains why you'd want a second date with him? 1
stillafool Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 As far as what he wrote on his profile goes that just says he's willing to date until he finds the woman he wants to settle into a relationship with which is what everyone does whether they say so or not. So continuing to date based on what he wrote means nothing it's actions that count. But, sounds like he is good looking so I'm sure you will give him time. I agree that it is too soon to call him out on anything. He is who he is. If you don't like it just don't date him.
Author unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 Did you like him? Enjoy his company? You talk a lot about what was wrong, and that you liked what he'd written on his profile, but just because he wants a relationship with someone, doesn't mean that he's a good fit for you and vice versa - or that he was even telling the truth! I wouldn't be calling him out on anything after one date personally, but I'd be observing for deal breakers and making my own assessment. You haven't said anything about him that explains why you'd want a second date with him? I did mean to say what I liked about him. I did enjoy his company and talking to him. It seems like he's not afraid to get into deep and emotionally heavy topics for a guy and I appreciate that I can talk to him without being afraid he might think I'm crazy or that he might make fun of me for talking about serious topics. I also like that he's open-minded because I want to be with someone who's willing to try new thinngs. He's also a good kisser and seems somewhat responsible for owning his own house but he also wants to get an expensive sports car. But that's his money and if he can afford it, then sure. He is a bit different than me but the differences are because he likes guy things and I don't and I don't need to date somebody exactly like me.
Michelle ma Belle Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 As much as I believe in the motto "We teach people how to treat us", I do agree that scolding him for being late after just one date is much too soon. If he continues to do this, THEN you can bring it to his attention. That being said, there is a right way and a wrong way to do that so keep that in mind. If you like him then stop looking for things to pick at and enjoy the ride. If after a few dates there are things that you can't reconcile with, move on otherwise this is what dating is all about - getting to know one another - and that takes time. 1
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 Here is the disconnect going on though: First date, he wants to watch football and you want to go ice skating... Like, the contrast here is pretty stark. If I met some woman and after our first meet up, I suggested something as casual as watching football, especially when you already stated you didn't like it, I would have said that because there was really no intent behind watching football, but rather getting you into my house and on the couch. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with this dude, to me, watching football is like Netflix and Chill. Did he mean like football at a bar or at his house? At a bar isn't so bad i guess, although it is just one step away from asking you to his place.
Author unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 (edited) Here is the disconnect going on though: First date, he wants to watch football and you want to go ice skating... Like, the contrast here is pretty stark. If I met some woman and after our first meet up, I suggested something as casual as watching football, especially when you already stated you didn't like it, I would have said that because there was really no intent behind watching football, but rather getting you into my house and on the couch. Sounds like you need to set some boundaries with this dude, to me, watching football is like Netflix and Chill. Did he mean like football at a bar or at his house? At a bar isn't so bad i guess, although it is just one step away from asking you to his place. No, he didn't mention where. I actually thought he brought that up because he said he liked teaching people how to watch football and he wanted to teach me. But what you said makes sense. That didn't cross my mind though because when he said he wanted to a watch a movie, he said he didn't want to "Netflix and chill". He said he wanted to go out and watch a movie. I actually didn't really want to go ice skating lol. I just threw that out there to give a suggestion but I kind of knew he wouldn't be into it. Edited December 3, 2019 by unlisted
smackie9 Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 I understand about the being late red flag...he never owned it. This is something to take note on. Second red flag was his negativity. Bringing that into a first date is a turn off. Third red flag is that he is a blamer/complainer. A good first date is about asking questions about the other person and observe their answers. The ramblings about this sucks and this bugs me, would have me not saying yes to a second date. Tho he may announce he's looking for a serious relationship on his profile doesn't really mean he is. I wouldn't put that in the pros category. So now you got, looks, and he's got money. What else would have you interested in him? You have anything in common?
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 No, he didn't mention where. I actually thought he brought that up because he said he liked teaching people how to watch football and he wanted to teach me. But what you said makes sense. That didn't cross my mind though because when he said he wanted to a watch a movie, he said he didn't want to "Netflix and chill". He said he wanted to go out and watch a movie. I actually didn't really want to go ice skating lol. I just threw that out there to give a suggestion but I kind of knew he wouldn't be into it. Anyone who suggests going to a movie on the first date, has never been to a movie on the first date... The First date does not have to be something you do not regularly do, it can be something you regularly do, but now you are doing it with them. The thing is, there is so much pressure when you have these "Dates" because you two have to feel out eachother's comfort levels and see what is acceptable and what isn't. The fact that he would even look at you and outright say "I don't want to Netflix and Chill on the first date" means he is looking at you casually. Like obviously we aren't going to Netflix and Chill on the first date, if we are really dating. Or, conversely, maybe Netflix and Chill is what you want. I don't know.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 If all this is his best behavior - which is what you get in the beginning - I shudder to think of his worst. Personally, I would have lost all interest when he failed to arrive on time. Unless he had a true emergency, I would have left after 15 minutes and deleted him.
Author unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 Anyone who suggests going to a movie on the first date, has never been to a movie on the first date... The First date does not have to be something you do not regularly do, it can be something you regularly do, but now you are doing it with them. The thing is, there is so much pressure when you have these "Dates" because you two have to feel out eachother's comfort levels and see what is acceptable and what isn't. The fact that he would even look at you and outright say "I don't want to Netflix and Chill on the first date" means he is looking at you casually. Like obviously we aren't going to Netflix and Chill on the first date, if we are really dating. Or, conversely, maybe Netflix and Chill is what you want. I don't know. He was talking about the second date.
Author unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 If all this is his best behavior - which is what you get in the beginning - I shudder to think of his worst. Personally, I would have lost all interest when he failed to arrive on time. Unless he had a true emergency, I would have left after 15 minutes and deleted him. Yes, it was a turn off. I was on my way already when he told me he was going to be 15 minutes late. But it ended up being 30 because of traffic and parking.
Author unlisted Posted December 3, 2019 Author Posted December 3, 2019 I understand about the being late red flag...he never owned it. This is something to take note on. Second red flag was his negativity. Bringing that into a first date is a turn off. Third red flag is that he is a blamer/complainer. A good first date is about asking questions about the other person and observe their answers. The ramblings about this sucks and this bugs me, would have me not saying yes to a second date. Tho he may announce he's looking for a serious relationship on his profile doesn't really mean he is. I wouldn't put that in the pros category. So now you got, looks, and he's got money. What else would have you interested in him? You have anything in common? No, I did not enjoy the rambling. He said he felt bitter about dating in general and deleted his dating apps. I thought that was a strange thing to say on the first date but he said he thought I was refreshing and wanted a second date if I wasn't turned off by his rants. Not sure what kind of girls he usually dates but that does hint that both of us are not our usual types we date. I guess what we have in common is that we're looking for the same thing. I know that isn't much to hold on to but I'm not having high expectations. I also forgot to mention that before we met up, he would ask me questions I already told him the answer to. And he asked where we were meeting when I already told him. I didn't understand why he couldn't have just scrolled up in his messages to look for it..
preraph Posted December 3, 2019 Posted December 3, 2019 If there's a pattern of lateness, then you simply leave once they've exceeded their 30 minutes or whatever you're allowing them. Also, if there's a pattern of lateness, you can without telling them be 15 minutes late yourself. If they happen to show up on time and are waiting, what are they going to say that you can't say back, "You were 30 minutes late last time, so I figured there was no hurry." His sports thing and thinking that constitutes a date is a problem. That's not a date. That's torture. I somehow think he's looking for someone "convenient" to just fit around his normal routine and habits and hobbies, possibly because his good looks has always made that possible. Again, go out, see what is a pattern and what isn't and then you can talk about it or break off.
Author unlisted Posted December 4, 2019 Author Posted December 4, 2019 If there's a pattern of lateness, then you simply leave once they've exceeded their 30 minutes or whatever you're allowing them. Also, if there's a pattern of lateness, you can without telling them be 15 minutes late yourself. If they happen to show up on time and are waiting, what are they going to say that you can't say back, "You were 30 minutes late last time, so I figured there was no hurry." His sports thing and thinking that constitutes a date is a problem. That's not a date. That's torture. I somehow think he's looking for someone "convenient" to just fit around his normal routine and habits and hobbies, possibly because his good looks has always made that possible. Again, go out, see what is a pattern and what isn't and then you can talk about it or break off. Good point. He let me pick the next date and I picked the museum, which he's never been before.... lol. I find that amusing and wonder what he and his dates usually do... We'll see where this goes.
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted December 4, 2019 Posted December 4, 2019 He was talking about the second date. That makes it less bad?
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