Said something I shouldn't have said to my boyfriend

[justabottle]

Well, and who goes their entire life without saying something they regret? Surely your partner is not perfect - he must have said something to you at some point that he regretted?

 

I once called my partner a jerk - I was joking, it was not intended in a mean way as it was just something my mom used to say in jest... The look on his face told me that it was not heard in jest. I apologized, he said that’s fine, and we were over it. I try hard not to say it anymore, out of respect for the fact that I don’t want to do anything hurtful. But if I did say it again, it would not end our relationship. We have love and trust between us. And forgiveness.

 

Yes, he said and did something he regretted. I've also long forgiven him because I loved him and I know that we make mistakes. Even if he sometimes also goes back to the same mistake, I'd remind him. But this time, because he said that he has told me before that if I were to say things without thinking, he'd break with me.

[GoreSP]

I have never been violent with him. It's those playful hits and he knows about it. He'd joke along with me.

 

I don't know if this is considered violent, I think it is, but he thinks its not. He once shoved meatballs into my mouth and asked me to ****ing eat the meatballs. Someone cut his queue and he got pissed, and the fact that he doesn't want to be there but he came because I wanted to see Christmas trees.

 

That's what I meant. Couples make jokes like that and unless there has been violence in the past, there is no reason to be so sensitive about it.

 

Shoving meatballs in your mouth seems a lot more violent to me here...

[justabottle]

That's what I meant. Couples make jokes like that and unless there has been violence in the past, there is no reason to be so sensitive about it.

 

Shoving meatballs in your mouth seems a lot more violent to me here...

 

Maybe it was because of what I said 3 months back about my friend's proposal. He probably felt that I neglected his feelings and that he said if I did something like that again, it would really be the end of us.

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

I've talked to him about this before not being so pushy about the reno stuff because it is still my parents' home. He got sulky once but the next day he understood. I know he is really trying to help, he even went to the extra mile. To provide a better living space for my parents and I.

 

THIS IS YOUR PARENTS HOUSE HES FREAKING ABOUT? BRRRUUUUUUHHHH im dead

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

but he said that he wants to get a stable job before he proposes. And in the quarrel that also almost led to a break-up, he said he needed to reconsider about proposing to me because of what I said.

 

So he's shifting the blame to you because of his feelings of inadequacy over not being able to hold down a job.

 

Does it ring true to you that he's bullied in every place he works? He's the common denominator.....is there a reason? What's your employment track record like?

[justabottle]

THIS IS YOUR PARENTS HOUSE HES FREAKING ABOUT? BRRRUUUUUUHHHH im dead

 

Uh, yes. From his point of view is that, he can't bear to see my house's living condition and wants to provide a better living space for us which I thought was very loving. He really went all out to help my family and me. Which is why I felt very guilty over yesterday and sad that our relationship will end like that

[justabottle]

So he's shifting the blame to you because of his feelings of inadequacy over not being able to hold down a job.

 

Does it ring true to you that he's bullied in every place he works? He's the common denominator.....is there a reason? What's your employment track record like?

 

I don't know. Whether is it because of his feelings of inadequacy that's why he does that or what...

 

Yes or like he thinks that others are trying to harm him. He does have a few friends here and there from his workplace. Longest would be 6 months...

[BaileyB]

So he's shifting the blame to you because of his feelings of inadequacy over not being able to hold down a job.

 

Does it ring true to you that he's bullied in every place he works?

 

This is it. He is not happy in his own life. What’s more, he is feeling the pressure to move forward with you, and he knows that he is not able to do that financially or responsibly. So, he is turning his frustration over to essentially bully you. That’s not ok OP.

[justabottle]

This is it. He is not happy in his own life. What’s more, he is feeling the pressure to move forward with you, and he knows that he is not able to do that financially or responsibly. So, he is turning his frustration over to essentially bully you. That’s not ok OP.

 

I know he isn't happy with his own life. There were times he said he'd rather not live. I just felt that I could be the one to help and stay with him during these dark periods.

[BaileyB]

I don't know. Whether is it because of his feelings of inadequacy that's why he does that or what...

 

Yes or like he thinks that others are trying to harm him. He does have a few friends here and there from his workplace. Longest would be 6 months...

 

Two more red flags. Paranoia, worst case scenario this is sometimes a sign of mental illness. And, an inability to maintain stable relationships and employment. Two pretty significant red flags.

 

These two things are consistent with my partners ex and her brother - both of whom have a pretty significant mental illness. Not saying he has a mental illness, just suggesting that you be careful and don’t accept this kind of behavior as “normal.” In its extreme, it’s not normal.

Edited December 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[justabottle]

Two more red flags. Paranoia, worst case scenario this is sometimes a sign of mental illness. And, an inability to maintain stable relationships and employment. Two pretty significant red flags.

 

These two things are consistent with my partners ex and her brother - both of whom have a pretty significant mental illness. Not saying he has a mental illness, just suggesting that you be careful and don’t accept this kind of behavior as “normal.” In its extreme, it’s not normal.

 

My friends have told me that his job situation is extreme.

[justabottle]

I don't know if I should reach out to him again or let him text me. In the past, our quarrels, even if he was angry he'd reach out first.

[justabottle]

Just an update: he texted to say he was very hurt and sad about what happened yesterday. I’ve apologized and he also did. Now he’s saying he needed a while to heal the wound and asked if I would hurt him in the long run. My reply was no, I will not. He asked if I could promise, I said yes. And that was the end of conversation.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boyfriend sounds like an angry, manipulative arse, OP.

 

Why do you not raise the bar and offload the dead weight? You can surely do much better than this. A man who loves you would not treat you this way and you don't seem to recognize that,

[Zinging]

I have never been violent with him. It's those playful hits and he knows about it. He'd joke along with me.

 

I don't know if this is considered violent, I think it is, but he thinks its not. He once shoved meatballs into my mouth and asked me to ****ing eat the meatballs. Someone cut his queue and he got pissed, and the fact that he doesn't want to be there but he came because I wanted to see Christmas trees.

 

Ummm... what?

 

OP, I think you know that he's in the wrong here... I think what you seek here is validation because your self-image has taken a solid beating over the years! (And I don't blame you for wanting to hear 'My sympathies are with you, he's in the wrong. You're the one bearing the weight of this relationship largely etc etc)

 

That said,

 

1) You should provide a good snapshot of your relationship at the start of a thread - it helps you receive advice that's pertinent to your circumstances.

 

2) Regardless, and even without any of the above, I'd still feel he is in the wrong in this scenario - the saying "when the punishment far outweighs the crime" and all that.

 

I get it. He has mental health issues. Added to that is the fact that he must be depressed from all that's happening at the work-front, but it does not give him a right to constantly take it out on you. A matured man would not do any of this, and many things that you've added as the thread scrolls on, leads me to believe that he continues to harbour a less-than-ideal 'woe is my life' mindset. Being supportive to those who are in depression is a noble thing. But, those in depression must be willing to seek help at some stage - or they'll chase away everyone and drag the rest down with them. In your case, I suspect it'll become the latter. (You questioning your stance/self-worth, for instance).

 

Please evaluate this relationship carefully as you proceed, OP. Or, you'll end up exhausted and resentful simply from the constant acrobatics of tip-toeing around the egg-shells forever.

Edited December 3, 2019 by Zinging

[d0nnivain]

You should absolutely NOT text him. Put down your phone. This is so much more serious that a text will not fix it.

 

He feels unappreciated. His work life sucks. You know this. He's doing all this reno work for your family probably for free. That is time he's not looking for a job & not getting paid.

 

Instead of quietly & discretely telling him that the suggestions were out of the price range, you threatened violence against a man who has felt bullied before. Joke or not he didn't take it that way. If he said it to you, most posters on here would tell you to run because the man is abusive.

 

You say you have been together 8 years but yesterday was the 1st time you ever knew he cared about his lunar birthday. How did you go so long without knowing that? You two have some major communications issues if that is the case. However, it's also an opportunity to fix your problem. Bake him a lunar birthday cake. Do some research to figure out the traditional celebration for this & get your butt over to his house with gifts & a real apology. You have some major repair work to do to make this man feel cherished.

 

That said, he is pouting like a small child so you need to examine whether this is a thing with him.

[stillafool]

So this guy is wrong to be upset that OP told him she would "slap him" in front of her parents? What if it was the reverse and he told her to shut up or he would slap her? Would that be okay too? There is no reason for that kind of talk. OP could easily have said "they can't afford that furniture".

[justabottle]

Ummm... what?

 

OP, I think you know that he's in the wrong here... I think what you seek here is validation because your self-image has taken a solid beating over the years! (And I don't blame you for wanting to hear 'My sympathies are with you, he's in the wrong. You're the one bearing the weight of this relationship largely etc etc)

 

That said,

 

1) You should provide a good snapshot of your relationship at the start of a thread - it helps you receive advice that's pertinent to your circumstances.

 

2) Regardless, and even without any of the above, I'd still feel he is in the wrong in this scenario - the saying "when the punishment far outweighs the crime" and all that.

 

I get it. He has mental health issues. Added to that is the fact that he must be depressed from all that's happening at the work-front, but it does not give him a right to constantly take it out on you. A matured man would not do any of this, and many things that you've added as the thread scrolls on, leads me to believe that he continues to harbour a less-than-ideal 'woe is my life' mindset. Being supportive to those who are in depression is a noble thing. But, those in depression must be willing to seek help at some stage - or they'll chase away everyone and drag the rest down with them. In your case, I suspect it'll become the latter. (You questioning your stance/self-worth, for instance).

 

Please evaluate this relationship carefully as you proceed, OP. Or, you'll end up exhausted and resentful simply from the constant acrobatics of tip-toeing around the egg-shells forever.

 

I didn't want to sound draggy to provide so much information. But thanks for your advice! I know, I'm trying to talk to him too. I'll evaluate our relationship.

[justabottle]

You should absolutely NOT text him. Put down your phone. This is so much more serious that a text will not fix it.

 

He feels unappreciated. His work life sucks. You know this. He's doing all this reno work for your family probably for free. That is time he's not looking for a job & not getting paid.

 

Instead of quietly & discretely telling him that the suggestions were out of the price range, you threatened violence against a man who has felt bullied before. Joke or not he didn't take it that way. If he said it to you, most posters on here would tell you to run because the man is abusive.

 

You say you have been together 8 years but yesterday was the 1st time you ever knew he cared about his lunar birthday. How did you go so long without knowing that? You two have some major communications issues if that is the case. However, it's also an opportunity to fix your problem. Bake him a lunar birthday cake. Do some research to figure out the traditional celebration for this & get your butt over to his house with gifts & a real apology. You have some major repair work to do to make this man feel cherished.

 

That said, he is pouting like a small child so you need to examine whether this is a thing with him.

 

In our culture, we don't really celebrate lunar birthday. It changes every year. Even in my family, we don't because it changes every year depending on the calendar.

 

I appreciate your honesty! I've learned my lesson and to be really careful of my words. This is a really bad habit of mine, I say things with no filter. And I'm reflecting on how to be more mindful of my words.

[justabottle]

So this guy is wrong to be upset that OP told him she would "slap him" in front of her parents? What if it was the reverse and he told her to shut up or he would slap her? Would that be okay too? There is no reason for that kind of talk. OP could easily have said "they can't afford that furniture".

 

Yeah, I've learned my lesson. But it'll be at the cost of my relationship.

[d0nnivain]

You missed my point. You need the excuse to go to him with an apology in hand. The cake for the lunar birthday was your entry into talking to him again. Your insistence that you can fix this through a text is going to doom your relationship

[balletomane]

OP, let me get this straight. In various posts in this thread, you've mentioned that your boyfriend throws things when he's angry, that he once physically forced meatballs into your mouth and ordered you to eat them, that he's never held a steady job in his life and feels he's been bullied in every single one of them, that he gets paranoid with you, and more. You don't seem to see these things as all that significant, just as minor details. That's concerning. Together they add up.

 

I agree you should have just told him very clearly that your parents can't afford those prices rather than trying to make a joke. But what would have happened if you had told him that? From what you've described, it sounds as if there is a very good chance that he would have interpreted this as a verbal attack on him or as some sort of humiliation, because that is his pattern. It's no use thinking of ways to improve your communication style if the other person is that paranoid.

[d0nnivain]

, because that is his pattern. It's no use thinking of ways to improve your communication style if the other person is that paranoid.

 

After 8 years this will only stop when you end it.

 

While you should not have threatened to slap him even as a joke all this other stuff when taken together is a pretty good indication that this guy is a lousy prospect for a healthy LTR.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He asked if I could promise, I said yes. And that was the end of conversation.

 

This is pretty ridiculous. You are a human being and so is he. You WILL hurt him and he will hurt you. You can promise to try not to, or not to do so intentionally, but this is a ridiculous standard he's holding you to.

[BaileyB]

Now he’s saying he needed a while to heal the wound and asked if I would hurt him in the long run. My reply was no, I will not. He asked if I could promise, I said yes.

 

OP, do you think that it’s realistic to promise this man that you will NEVER hurt him again? Considering how easily he is offended, do you think this is a realistic expectation?

 

You can try to be on your best behavior, you can walk on eggshells around this man... But, I will guarantee you that some day, somehow, you are going to do something that he does not like - and thus develops this emotionally abusive cycle.

 

How can I guarantee that you will do something he finds hurtful - because you are human. And interpersonal relationships are not perfect - there is always some kind of conflict. What he is asking/expecting from you is not reasonable.

 

Again, his request is the sign of someone who has some personal issues/mental health issues that he is struggling with - he is attempting to control you and control life in such a way that he will never be hurt/he maintains control. But life, and people, are unpredictable and there are things he can not control.